O’CONNELL HAD ABSOLUTELY no intention of letting me dictate the pace of our relationship. Every night that I wasn’t at the gym, he’d stop by my apartment after training to say goodnight. The training schedule that Danny had him on was brutal, and by the time he reached my door, he was dead on his feet. He didn’t stay long before he ambled back to Kieran’s to stockpile the calories and squeeze in as much sleep as he could, but those twenty minutes were the best part of my day. He didn’t kiss me again, but every time he touched me or looked at me, it was like he was savouring the moment to remember it later. Although he only grunted when I asked him how training was going, he devoured details about my day as though he’d missed me for every minute of it. With O’Connell training so much, I still had time to work and study and the joy of finding his notes in random textbooks was priceless. How he slipped them in without me noticing was a mystery, but I saved each and every one. His strategy was foolproof when I thought about it. Left to my own devices this week, I would have been filled by now with self-doubt and would have undeniably convinced myself that any attempt at a relationship with him was a car crash waiting to happen. Instead, he’d sown the seed of hope between us and had spent every day since watering and nourishing it, so by the time Friday rolled around, I was beginning to think we might have a chance.
I opened the door to a freshly shaved O’Connell, who smelt so incredible that it took all of my willpower not to stand there slack jawed and gawking. His black shirt moulded perfectly to his sculpted torso and with his sleeves rolled back, even his forearms looked sexy.
“Wow, Em, you look beautiful.”
Seeing him look so fine immediately made me question my own appearance, but the look of hunger on his face restored my confidence. Once again, Nikki had come to my aid with another outfit. Although I felt slightly shamed to be scrounging from her, she really didn’t seem to mind. If anything, she treated me like her dress-up doll. Although I often balked at some of her outfit choices, in truth I bathed in the affection that I imagined sisters might share. It was an affection that my own mother had denied me, and Nikki was unknowingly filling that void. For all intents and purposes, I was like an awkward gangly teenager, struggling through the quagmire of adolescence. Most fifteen-year-olds had more figured out about themselves than I did at twenty. Looking at O’Connell’s face, I said a silent prayer of thanks for Nikki’s help. My buttery soft skirt ended above my knee but was still a respectable length, but the knee-high boots she’d loaned me made my legs feel ridiculously long. Teamed with a fitted black top, my favourite long, silver heart locket, and understated earrings, I was out of my comfort zone, but a lot more at ease than I would have been in my own clothes.
“Shit, Em, those legs go for miles. I’m gonna be cracking heads left, right, and centre tonight.”
I smiled at the implication, but I seriously doubted that he had anything to worry about. I still thought that he was disillusioned for feeling as he did about me, and I worried for the day he would find enlightenment. He held my jacket out to me like a true gentleman, and like that gentleman, he didn’t comment on the fact that the jacket clearly belonged to Nikki. Once I locked the door, I tucked the keys into my pocket.
“Aren’t you taking a bag?” he asked.
“No. I’d only end up leaving it somewhere. My money is in a hidden pocket in my skirt, and I’ll just keep my keys in my jacket.”
“Do you want me to carry them?”
“Thanks,” I replied. Handing them over, I was bemused that it seemed like such a couple thing to do. He slipped his huge fingers between mine and squeezed gently as we walked down together. His black Ford Mustang sat gleaming outside my apartment building, and he grinned as he rushed round to open my door.
“O’Connell, this is your car? It’s gorgeous.”
“Thanks. I figure it’s mine for another month before I have to sell it, so tonight, make the most of having your very own chauffer.”
“You’re not drinking then?” I asked, figuring that he’d want at least a couple of beers tonight.
“Nope. I promised Danny I wouldn’t. Until I get a few decent wins under my belt, this amusement park is now a temple.” He tapped his stomach as he said it, like there was a pinch of anything other than skin on his perfect body.
“Do you have to train in the morning?” I asked, hoping that he’d stay over, knowing how wrong it was for me to lead him on.
“Half day tomorrow. Danny told me to give myself a break and come in at eleven, so we get a lay in together.”
I didn’t say anything as I pondered how to deny him what we both so obviously wanted, but even if he had been my boyfriend, in my heart I knew that I wasn’t ready for sex. Letting him sleep over was unfair when I knew it wouldn’t lead anywhere.
“Hey.” He tilted my chin up, getting inside my head again. “Just friends, right.”
“We’re blurring the lines, O’Connell. We’re not together, but I feel like this weird idea of friendship between us has me reaping all of the benefits and you none of the rewards.”
“Why don’t you let me worry about that, Em.” I looked down at my hands, and I couldn’t help but feel concerned.
“You stress about this shit far too much, okay? Who’s to tell us what friends should or shouldn’t do? If someone tells me that holding your hand, or being close to you when you sleep at night, is wrong because we’re just friends then they can go and fuck themselves. I do it because it makes me feel good, and if you enjoy it, too, then why’s it wrong?”
When he put it like that, I couldn’t see why the thought had me so worked up. I wanted so very badly to throw my lot in with him and tie my life to his as tightly as I could, but Frank had done his work well. The death and destruction of a child’s spirit was not the work of a moment, but a campaign of dedication to that cause. Whether I liked it or not, a few weeks with O’Connell couldn’t repair the kind of damage that Frank had inflicted. I still wasn’t sure that what he had broken inside could ever be fixed, but I did know that when I was with O’Connell, every good, clean part left in me felt alive. As long as he treated that as the gift that it was, I didn’t see any reason to give up on that feeling.
“Listen. Just because I’m staying over, doesn’t mean that things are gonna go any further between us. I need to know that you respect me, and that I’m not just a piece of meat to you before we go all the way.” He was so sincere and sombre faced that I couldn’t help but laugh out loud.
“You’re making fun of me.” I said, not in the least bit offended.
“No, sunshine, just lightening the mood. I told you that we’re gonna take this slow, and I meant it. Now, tonight I want you to cut loose and have fun, not borrow worry about what other people think. When things go further between us, there won’t be any hesitation because you’ll know you’re ready. So, until then, fuck everyone else.” He grinned.
I smiled back at him, just a little bit more smitten than I was before. After a time, I started tapping my knee up and down, thinking about who would be there tonight and all of the conversation that I’d have to make.
“You okay?” O’Connell asked.
“Sure,” I lied.
We parked up and walked to the club, my hand clasped firmly in O’Connell’s. It was absolutely freezing outside, but my shivering was attributable to more than just the temperature. My stomach clenched at the thought of going into the club. The last few weeks I’d become quietly confident, and my individual contact with each of the fighters had strangely made the gym a safe place for me. It was rare that I spoke to all of the guys as a large group, and now that I’d met everyone, it wasn’t often that I saw any new faces around the place. I was never great with crowds and the last party that I’d been to hadn’t been the best experience. O’Connell was right, though. Tonight was about having fun and celebrating with Mac, and if I could stay out of my own head long enough, it would be a great night.
The bouncers at the door smiled and did the one-handed backslap shoulder bump with O’Connell that told me he knew them well. They shot the breeze while I stood by silently, contemplating how long it would take hypothermia to set in. After a few minutes, we bypassed the large queue and entered the club. The noise inside was deafening. O’Connell turned to speak to me, but it was pretty clear that I couldn’t hear him this close to the speakers, so he led me toward the back of the club. I felt a small amount of relief when I spotted our guys already seated there.
“Em!” they all seemed to call out in chorus.
I blushed, but I was happy that they were pleased to see me. It amazed me how many shoulder bumps and backslaps the guys gave O’Connell, given that most of them probably only saw each other a few hours ago.
“What do you want to drink, baby?” O’Connell spoke into my ear from behind me.
It was easier to hear at this end of the club, but I loved the way that his lips softly skimmed the shell of my ear as he spoke. It sent delicate shivers down my body, and I knew that O’Connell felt it too when he squeezed my waist.
“I’ll have an orange juice, please.”
“You don’t want to drink?”
I studied my surroundings and bit my lip. A drink probably would help me relax a little more so that I wasn’t so uptight and on edge, but the idea of voluntarily conceding control of my senses in a public space made me shudder. It made me more vulnerable than I was usually, and despite the small army of gladiators around me, I couldn’t help but wonder whether they’d notice if I went missing. From a place like this, it would only take Frank seconds to snatch me, and nobody would be any the wiser. Most of them clearly looked as though they got an early start at the bar, and given the number of women they were attracting, I would soon be lost in the crowd. I knew I was paranoid, but the foundation of my fear was strong, and I had the scars to prove it. It was scary how O’Connell could read me so well already, enough to sense my insecurity. He hadn’t pressed me about my past, but he knew that something had happened. The fact that he didn’t push the subject made me fall for him a little deeper. Strong arms wrapped around my waist, and he pulled me into his embrace, my back tight to his chest. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply as he buried his head in the crook of my neck and everything just fell away. The blaringly loud music, the shouts of drunken men vying to be heard over one another, the high pitched giggles of flirtation, the chink of glasses, everything. It all fell away until there was only O’Connell and I. There was the tantalisingly sweet aroma of his aftershave, the warmth of his hands spread across my hips, and the strength of conviction in his voice.
“Don’t panic, sunshine. I’m here with you, and I’m not going anywhere. If I go to the bar or the bathroom, then one of the other guys will be watching, and I promise that they won’t let you out of their sight. You’re mine, and that means you’re un-fucking-touchable, okay, baby?”
I nodded and relaxed against him. I didn’t know how he did it, but inside of O’Connell’s embrace, the rest of the world ceased to exist. None of the bullshit on the outside could touch us. I gave him something to protect, and he gave me something to cherish.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“There’s nothing to feel sorry for, sunshine. It’s going to take time, but eventually you won’t need my touch to know that I’m there. One day, you’ll know that you never need to be afraid again, but right now you’re here, and that’s something.”
He had no idea of the gift that he was giving me. His strength and confidence gave me strength. In simply being here, I was saying “fuck you” to Frank. I just needed O’Connell to remind me that courage isn’t the absence of fear, but the will to carry on regardless.
“Thank you,” I answered.
“You’re welcome. Now show me how grateful you are for lending you this rock hard body as your protection for the night.”
I turned around in his arms and kissed him softly when the whooping and whistling brought us back down to earth.
“Fuck off!” O’Connell called over my shoulder with a grin, and I buried my face into his chest in embarrassment. He nuzzled my neck then, pulling away, he grabbed my hand and led me over to the sofa where Mac was lounging.
“Mac, look after my girl for me, would you? Nobody fucks with her while I’m gone, understand?”
Mac grinned at him, offering him a two-finger salute. With a wink to me, O’Connell was gone.
“Well, baby girl, you sure look pretty tonight. I guess you’re around the gym so much it’s hard to remember that you’re an honest to God woman and not one of the boys.”
“That’s just the way I like it,” I admitted.
“You know you’re a good influence on him,” Mac told me, nodding toward the bar.
“So I’ve been told. But I don’t think that Danny is crazy about us being friends.”
“He’s protective of you, that’s all. He loves Con like a son, but he’s unstable. If things go to shite for Con, he’s worried about you getting hurt in the fallout.”
“I appreciate his concern, but I think that being O’Connell’s friend is worth the risk.”
“He’s a lucky bastard, Em. I hope he knows how lucky he is.”
“He knows, shithead,” Kieran retorted as he sank onto the sofa next to me. Mac grunted at him like he wasn’t so sure, but I was glad to let the subject drop. Determined to steer the conversation elsewhere, I pitched in.
“We have to find you a girl tonight, Kier,” I told him.
“Don’t worry, Em. I plan to find at least one tonight.”
I frowned back at him in response.
“Not that kind of girl. A nice girl, Kier.” Mac and Kieran laughed.
“Sunshine, I’m pretty sure that nice girls don’t troll bars like this,” Mac told me.
I was slightly affronted that they were laughing at me, but looking around, I could see they were right. Most girls here were rail thin with ridiculously large, and I was guessing mostly fake, tits, too much makeup, and way too much fake tan. Skirts were just below the underwear, and any jeans were air brushed on. I tried not to let my insecurities swamp me, but I needed O’Connell back and soon. I missed the bubble that we’d been living in since I met him. I looked up to see two girls walking toward us, and to my horror I realised that one of them was Katrina Bray. Her friend clearly knew Kieran intimately because she didn’t stop when she reached our sofa, but climbed onto Kieran and straddled his lap. Okay, so that wasn’t at all awkward with him sitting right next to me. The tiny mini skirt around her waist rose to her hips as she did it, giving Kieran, and most of the club, a look at her underwear. If I had any guts at all, I would have coughed out the word slut, but most of the girls in this club looked ready for a punch up, and I really didn’t feel like getting bitch slapped this early in the evening. If that was the sort of girl that Kieran wanted to hook up with, that was up to him. Clearly, my demeanour of disapproval did little to dampen his horniness anyway. When his hands started moving up her thighs, though, I took that as my cue to find O’Connell. I wasn’t lucky enough to make it to the bar before Katrina intercepted me. Blocking my path with her hands on her hips, she looked me up and down with an expression of disdain that made me feel like mould.
“I fucking knew the goody-two-shoes thing was all an act,” she sneered. “You walk around with your nose stuck up in the air, lording it over the rest of us, but when it comes down to it, you’re not above slumming it on a Saturday night.”
It wasn’t so much that I wouldn’t stand up for myself, although I was naturally non-confrontational. It was just that I was stunned. I barely knew this girl, and yet it seemed like she hated me. It never occurred to me in all those months of trying to keep my head down that she’d see me this way. Not so long ago, I would have stared at the floor and made my escape, as apologetically and as unobtrusively as I could. It didn’t matter what I said now, though. I was in her territory, and she was pissed.
“I’m not slumming it,” I told her quietly but with dignity. “I’m here with friends.”
“What friends, bitch? From where I’m standing, the little princess looks all alone.”
“Then I suggest you open your eyes, bitch, ‘cause her friends are right here.”
I looked around in surprise to see Nikki, as fierce as ever and shooting daggers at Katrina. Behind Nikki stood Ben, Albie, Ryan, and Nikki’s roommate, Lauren. I was stunned, but there was no way that I was going to let Katrina see. You see, hyenas were essentially pack animals. They bonded together with other scavengers and did the best they could to pick off the easiest prey. But when they were separated from their pack, they became cowardly, especially when confronted. Katrina was definitely a hyena, and as my pack grew bigger, her courage began to crumble.
“Whatever,” she sneered and knocked me aggressively as she shoved past me. I couldn’t even bring myself to be bothered about it as I turned to greet my friends.
“What are you doing here?” I asked in surprise.