Chapter 10

Evelyn

I’m tempted to strip off all my clothes so that I could feel much needed cool air against my skin. Had someone turned up the temperature?

It feels stiflingly hot. Maybe I should just have a cold shower. Although if I’m not careful, I might melt into a puddle of water on the floor.

Thoughts are racing through my head faster than a whirlwind. With so much going on inside my mind, it’s difficult to make sense of anything.

But holy shit.

Shawn Tucker is in my guest room, across the hall from me. He’s within easy reach. If I wanted to, I could just go over to him and touch him—if I wanted to.

Trouble is, I haven’t got a clue what I want to do right now. To say I’m torn is the understatement of the year. Possibly the century.

Images come and go. Thoughts tumble over each other. I gnaw on my bottom lip and plop down on the bed.

It’s a king-sized bed and would be big enough for the two of us. Heck, it would be big enough for the two of us with room to spare.

What am I thinking?

I shouldn’t be having these thoughts.

At the end of the day, I’m engaged to another man.

But here’s the problem: do I really want to be engaged to that man? I mean, James had to ask three times before I finally agreed.

If he hadn’t asked in such a public place, I doubt if I would’ve agreed.

I roll over and stare at my bedside table. Had it really been seven years since the man in uniform brought that terrible news to me?

There are times when it feels like it happened last week, and then there are days when it feels like it happened a long time ago.

My hand trembles as I reach out and grasp the handle of the top drawer. Slowly, I pull it open and rummage around until my fingers find what I’m looking for.

I pull it out and stare at it.

It’s Shawn and me on our wedding day.

Everyone told me to put it away so that I can move on. But I couldn’t. As a compromise, I keep it in this special place.

This way, it’s close to me always.

We’re both smiling at each other. Our eyes are filled with love and devotion.

It’s my absolute favorite of all the photos taken on that glorious day. It had been the happiest day of my life.

I sigh and feel a tear roll down my cheek.

Life sucks.

Why can’t he come back, and then we’ll automatically have everything back to normal? Why was he the one who got injured in that bloody war? And why did he have to come back damaged goods?

It’s still unclear to me exactly how damaged he is.

For all I know, it won’t take him long to recover, and he’ll back to his old self.

Is he really all that different, anyway?

From the little time we spent together tonight, he seems nearly the same.

Although…there is something about him that’s different. And yet I’ve not pinpointed exactly what that something is. It could be the fact he’s trying to remember all the time he’s forgotten, or it could be the wounds and scars that he’s carrying with him.

Wounds are meant to heal, but what about scars? Were scars meant to fade, even those in our psyche? Did he have scars that ran too deep?

So many fucking questions, and so few answers.

Unable to lie still any longer, I get up again. I start pacing the room, careful not to make too much noise.

The last thing I want to do is wake Tanner. Tanner needs his sleep. If my little boy gets awakened and thus becomes sleep-deprived, he won’t be pleasant company in the morning.

Another sigh. Tanner no longer is just my little boy. Tanner is now our boy.

It sounds foreign, yet I let the words our boy roll of my tongue a few times.

A different thought occurs to me. So far, Shawn hasn’t actually said why he’s back. I mean, he may just have come back to find some missing pieces of the puzzle called his life.

I may be jumping the gun to think that he wants to get back together with me. Reuniting with his ex-wife may be the farthest thing on his mind.

Am I his ex-wife? What am I?

My thoughts drift again.

He asked me about James, but I certainly didn’t ask about his past.

Did I want to know? I don’t think so. No, I definitely don’t want to know—or do I?

I run my hands through my long hair and take deep breaths. It’s all so messed up. The whole thing is one big mess from beginning to end.

In a way, it was almost easier when he was missing in action.

Had I done wrong?

Of course, I have, my inner voice screams at me loud and clear. I should have never let James into my life the way I had. And I should have never accepted his marriage proposal.

If I had been strong, there would be one less problem to solve right now.

And what of the legality of all this, anyway?

I never did lodge the paper work to have Shawn declared dead. So technically, I guess I’m still married. Would that mean I actually can’t marry James and need to divorce Shawn first?

My head is aching, and I’m starting to feel nauseous.

Near my bedroom door, I hover.

Shall I go and speak to him? What will I say? ‘Please tell me more?’

It’s obvious he doesn’t remember more than what he had already told me.

But…what if he wants to have a shower?

Yes. I should go and give him a towel. It’s a perfectly good reason to knock on his door. To have a shower, he’ll need a towel.

Better I knock on his door now to give it to him than to have him knock on my door later when I’m in bed already.

With a slightly shaking hand, I pick up a dark blue bath sheet and tiptoe across the hallway.

I knock and open the door.

“I thought you might want to have a shower. You’ll need a …” The last words die on my lips.

Shawn is standing in the middle of the room with no clothes on at all.

To my horror, I feel an instant desire to go over and touch him, kiss him, and run my fingers over those scars.

There are several scars across his chest. I’ve not seen those before.

Prior to his tour of duty to Afghanistan, he had no scars. Now, he sports a few of them.

So, not only did he have mental scars, he also bore physical ones. Did they still hurt? They didn’t look red and angry.

And then my eyes move to his manhood.

It’s just like I remember it.

I swallow.

My throat is parched.

He takes a few steps toward me and smiles.

The muscles in his chest ripple as he moves. The perfect biology text book six-pack is definitely eye candy.

All in all, it confirms my fears. A man as well built, sexy, and hot as Shawn is bound to have been with at least one other woman since he’s been missing—if not more.

Not remembering he’s married would be the perfect excuse for his behavior. I, on the other hand, don’t have such an excuse. I didn’t lose my memory, and I knew all along I was married, with my husband merely missing in action.

“Thanks. How thoughtful.”

No apology for his complete lack of clothing or any attempt to cover himself up. He’s perfectly comfortable to face me naked.

Unable to respond, I turn on my heels and flee from the room.

If I stay any longer, I may not be able to control myself and give in to my growing lust.

What’s wrong with me?

Back in my room, I practically rip my clothes off and get into my en-suite bathroom. There, I turn the shower on to full blast and step under it. As the water assaults my naked skin, I close my eyes and allow myself to fantasize about my husband across the hallway.

The situation is so absurd, I nearly burst out laughing.

If I’d read it in a book I would’ve thought, As if. And yet here I am, living it.

Could things get any worse?