Chapter 2

Evelyn

The lump at the back of my throat is getting bigger, and I feel tears well up in my eyes.

Holy shit.

Why is it that, wherever I go, I still notice all the happy couples around me, reminding me of what I no longer have, as opposed to reminding me to count my blessings?

“Mom.” Tanner pulls at my jacket.

“Yes, darling?” I look at him and hope he doesn’t see the way my eyes must be shimmering from the tears welling up in them.

At six years of age, he can be remarkably perceptive when it comes to my moods. Try as I might to hide my sorrow from him, there are times when he’ll pick up on it.

The other day, I stood at the kitchen sink, consumed with sadness over Shawn missing in action—no, worse, presumed dead. Tanner came into the kitchen and just walked up to me and gave me a big hug.

He’s like that, my Tanner, so thoughtful and considerate of others, just like his father, Shawn.

I sigh.

And he looks just so much like his father, too.

“Can I have one of those?”

I let my gaze follow the path of his finger. Try as I might, though, I can’t quite see what he’s pointing at.

“What, sweetie?”

“I think he wants one of those baseball bats,” James says and turns my head a little to the right, until I see what my little Tanner’s pointing at.

Instinctively, I pull back from James’ touch.

James, the good soul that he is, either doesn’t notice my reaction or chooses to ignore it.

I suppose I should be lucky to have James here.

James and Shawn were best friends. In their youth, they were inseparable. But war tore them apart.

He returned from active service in Afghanistan. Shawn didn’t.

That was seven years ago.

I sigh.

People are wrong when they say it gets easier. It’s just as hard now as it’s always been. I still half-expect him to walk through the door, for me to wake from this nightmare. But he hasn’t, and of course, he won’t.

There’s never been a body.

At first, he was just listed as missing in action—MIA. Eventually, he was declared ‘presumed dead’.

“I’ll get it for him.” James’ voice brings me back to the here and now.

I give him my most cheerful smile.

“You don’t have to,” I protest, but James is already on the way, and Tanner is following excitedly.

As I watch them make their way past the other spectators, I go back into my little shell. If it were up to me, I’d be at home with a hot chocolate in my hand, watching one of Tanner’s favorite children’s shows in bed.

As my eyes drift over the crowd at this baseball game, I can’t help but think about Shawn. He loved baseball.

In fact, I think about him day and night. Not a moment goes by when he’s not in my thoughts.

Over time, I’ve come to accept this as part of my life. In the beginning, I fought it until it hurt.

Now, I know it’s a way for me to deal with it. It might not be a very healthy way, but it’s the best I can do right now.

Maybe if there had been a body, it would be different. Without a body, there’s always that shred of hope, no matter how miniscule.

Sure, James came back and told me he saw Shawn die before he got dragged out of their fatal position in Afghanistan, caught in enemy fire in an old crumbling building. But somehow, my mind refuses to accept this.

For a while, in the early days, I used to see a counsellor, but after a few sessions, I gave up. All the counsellor was focused on was getting me to accept reality.

James has been pestering me to have Shawn declared dead since it’s been seven years. But so far, I’ve not been able to make myself do it.

It might be silly, it might be wrong, but I just can’t get myself to say it aloud. And I figure, what’s the rush?

Of course, I know why James is pressing the issue. So far, I’ve resisted his advances, and to give him credit, he’s not been too pushy.

The few times he tried to kiss me, I resisted.

James, it seems, works on the principle of ‘persistence pays off’.

Sure, he’s okay with Tanner, but there’s no way he’d be as good with him as his own father—as Shawn.

I don’t have any evidence of this, other than a gut feeling. I only found out I was pregnant after Shawn went MIA. It was one of the worst times in my life.

“Look at this, Mommy.” Tanner waves a baseball bat in front of my nose.

“That’s great, sweetie.”

“It’s even got a signature on it.” He holds it so close in front of my eyes, I can barely focus.

I laugh and push it back a little.

“If you hold it that close, I won’t be able to see a thing.”

“When will it start, James?”

His big eyes look up at James in anticipation.

James looks at his watch. “Five more minutes, and the first ball will be thrown, my friend.”

Tanner can’t sit still. He’s bouncing up and down in his seat, and when he actually sits for a moment, he starts kicking the seat in front of him.

“Tanner.” I put my hand on his leg to try and calm him down. But it’s hard for a little six-year-old to sit still.

“When will they start? Why is it taking so long?”

These are all valid questions—and reasons I didn’t want to come to this game too early, but James insisted we had to have the whole pre-game experience and not be late.

“Not much longer, Tanner,” James replies and gives me his biggest smile.

I hope he won’t ask to stay the night again. It gets harder and harder to come up with excuses. Every time I tell him it’s too soon, he rolls his eyes.

The other day, he actually made some sarcastic remark about it having been seven years since Shawn went missing.

I don’t think he appreciates how much we loved each other.

“Mom, Mom, look!” Tanner is shouting.

“What?”

“We’re on the jumbotron.”

Holy shit. We really are.

Tanner jumps up in his seat and does all kinds of acrobatic moves. As I’m about to grab onto him, James takes my hand.

I look at him, and he’s on his knees, a little velvet box in his hand. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see we’re still on the big screen.

My heart starts to beat faster, and I fear I might pass out. Please, no. Oh my God, don’t do it.

“Evelyn,” he starts, and I hear the general hubbub around us die down.

Suddenly, it’s so quiet, I understand the expression “you can hear a pin drop.”

“Evelyn. Will you marry me?”

My eyes start to water, and I feel several hundred thousand eyes upon me. It’s difficult to breathe. Tanner is unaware of exactly what’s going on; he’s too busy performing for the camera.

Tanner.

Is it fair to Tanner to stay single? Surely, he deserves a father, particularly since his real father won’t ever be there for him.

Quickly, I outweigh the negatives and the positives of this marriage proposal.

James is a good man. He’s not Shawn. No one will ever replace Shawn.

But Tanner needs a father, and while James doesn’t adore Tanner the way I do, he gets along well with him and makes an effort. And it seems like Tanner usually enjoys having James around.

A male figure and all…

I look at James, who looks hopefully at me. I look around. Everywhere, people are staring at me.

“Say yes,” some start to whisper around me, and soon, the entire stadium is chanting.

Just then, James holds the ring up to me. The diamond catches the light, and brilliant little sparkles dance across my eyes.

I sigh.

I close my own eyes.

It’s the right thing to do. It won’t get any better than this.

Shawn is gone.

According to James, he’s dead, a victim of war. Is it really fair to anyone that I keep living my life based on some unrealistic hope?

“Yes,” I say softly.

When James continues to stare at me questioningly, I repeat my answer, a bit firmer.

“Yes.”

Around me, the stadium erupts, and applause and fireworks appear on the screen and finally replace our image.

James puts the ring on my finger and stands up again. Before he can plant his lips on mine for a kiss, Tanner throws himself into my arms, blocking James’ mouth from reaching their target.

“Mom, I was on television. Did you see me?”

I nod, and tears roll down my cheek.

Tanner grabs my face with both his hands and gives me a big kiss.

“I wonder if any of my friends saw me?”

I’m so relieved he’s not aware of my emotional turmoil for once and focused on himself.

“I bet they did,” I tell him and hug him tight.

I’ve made the right decision. I’ve made the right decision.

I repeat it, mantra-like, hoping that if I say it enough, maybe I’ll come to believe it myself.