Chapter 4

Evelyn

One thing is sure—life as a single mom is tough and it doesn’t get any easier.

With a sigh, I glance at Tanner who is doing his best to ignore me.

“Do you want to see my collection of Pokémon cards?”

He’s looking at James with his best puppy dog impression. I’m sure any other man would have melted at this sight, but not James. I think James tries to accept Tanner and like him, but deep down he’s not that fond of my little six year old boy.

He’s never said anything and he’s always been pleasant to Tanner, but I can tell. A mother has a way of telling these things.

“Tanner,” I put on my serious voice and a little scowl.

“It’s okay,” James starts, but I stop him.

“Don’t worry, it’s called a stalling tactic. Someone doesn’t want to go to bed.” At my words, my son’s shoulders slump forward and his chin drops onto his chest.

“But I’m not tired,” grumbles my six year old, who’s been yawning for the last hour and rubbing his eyes.

“I know,” I say and smile.

“Ehm,” James looks from me to Tanner and back again.

“Let’s see James out and then off to be with you.” I take charge and wrap my arms around my little boy.

This is clearly not what James had in mind. His face betrays him.

“Good night, you two,” he smiles, and it’s a forced smile.

“See ya,” Tanner yells and scurries away—no doubt to find something else to try to prolong the inevitable bedtime.

James lifts his hand in a wave but drops it, realizing the little boy is gone already.

“You’re sure?”

His eyes run from my lips to the top button of my tight blouse, and I suddenly wish I’d chosen something a little looser to wear.

It still doesn’t feel right to have another man look at me like this. The only one who should be looking at me this way, with desire, lust, and passion is Shawn.

Shawn.

How I miss him.

I miss him every second of every day. Those who say it gets easier are wrong. Maybe if there’d been a dead body it would be, but I doubt it.

Not a day goes by when I don’t think about Shawn or wish he were here by my side. It’s even worse when something significant with Tanner happens.

Tanner.

Poor Tanner was going to grow up without a father. Sure, James will be his stepfather, but it’s not the same. James will never ever be able to replace Tanner’s father, Shawn.

“You okay?”

I blink and nod, drawing my right arm around my waist. A little shiver runs down my back.

“Just a little tired,” I mumble and give him my brightest smile.

It’s so hard. Part of me knows I should be grateful for James, for being here for me, for helping me get over Shawn. And yet, a tiny part in me is angry with him. Why did he make it and Shawn didn’t?

“I could stay?” James leans forward and whispers into my ear.

His breath on my cheek feels odd and I need to put distance between him and me.

“It’s fine,” I say and take a tiny step back. “I need to get Tanner to bed and then catch up on some things I haven’t had a chance to do during the day.”

It sounds lame, but he seems to be accepting my decision.

“Good night then, babe,” he murmurs and goes to kiss me on my mouth.

I’m not ready for it. As he leans toward me, I turn my face and his lips touch my cheek.

For a few seconds, I stay by the door and watch his tall figure disappear into the dark.

When he’s out of sight, I shut the door and lean against it—breathing in and out. A tear rolls down my cheek.

Life just isn’t fair—and it sucks.

“Mom,” Tanner yells, and I’m snapped out of my wallowing in self-pity.

With a deep sigh, I force a smile to my face, wipe any remaining tear from my cheeks with the back of my arm, and find my son.

“Will you read me a story?”

To my surprise, Tanner is in his pajamas and sitting on his bed. His short legs move back and forth. On his lap, I see he’s holding Dog.

Out of all his toys—and Tanner has lots of toys—Dog is his most favorite. Dog is a big brown plush dog. By now his left ear is a bit tattered, the collar he once had is gone, and one of his legs has had several repairs to it. Dog is well loved.

I still remember the day Shawn and I went to a fair and he won Dog. It was early in the relationship.

“Dog needs his right leg repaired,” Tanner’s voice brings me back to the here and now.

“Again?” I walk into the room and sit next to him.

I take the animal out of his hand and examine the damage. It’s not bad.

“Remind me in the morning. He’ll survive the night.”

“Can he have a Band-Aid?”

“Of course darling. I’ll go and get one.”

When I return, Tanner is in bed and holding Dog out to me. The Band-Aid is applied and the dog goes under the cover.

“Shall I read ‘Romper goes on a journey’?”

Tanner nods.

By the time I’ve read the first page, his eye lids are drooping. Before I continue reading, I lean forward and give him a kiss on the cheek. Then I ruffle his hair—it’s the only time I can do it without him complaining.

“I’m not…” he doesn’t finish his sentence.

For a while I stay by his bedside and watch him sleep. His face is snuggled into Dog.

For the umpteenth time I think how much Shawn would love to see his little boy like this. But he never will.

Just like Tanner will never get to know his father. Sure I can tell him about Shawn, what a brave and amazing person he was. But it’s not the same, is it?

Before I leave the bedroom, I lean over my little boy one last time and give him another kiss.

As I walk out, I turn off the light and head back downstairs.

There’s a knock on the front door.

I furrow my brow. Who could this be? Was James back because he’d forgotten something, or had he come back to try and convince me to let him stay the night?

The last thing I need now is an argument with him.

There’s stuff I need to do. If I now have to fob off James, it will take away from the precious me time I get.

As I walk down the stairs, I rehearse what I’m going to say, and so far my excuse has always worked.

We can’t, not with Tanner. He’s not ready. And so on.

Of course once we’re married I know these excuses won’t wash anymore. Fingers crossed the wedding won’t be for at least another twelve months.

Now I’m replaying the proposal. It was so public, so unexpected, so—it’s too hard to put into words. All I know is, I felt put in the spotlight, which I kind of was, and had to say yes.

With a sigh, I realize I’ve made a mess of things.

How can I marry another when my heart and soul belongs to someone already?

I stop at the bottom of the stairs and close my eyes briefly. I need to be strong. It’s not the time yet—it doesn’t feel right. Whenever James touches me, there’s no spark, only a reminder of how much I miss Shawn.

Perhaps I better resume my counseling. Expert help might help me get over Shawn and move on with my life.

Deep down I know, if Shawn were dead, he’d want me to be happy.

But here’s the problem.

Actually, here are two problems.

First, if Shawn is dead, he’d want me to be happy.

What if he’s not dead?

Sure, people are telling me I’m clutching onto a straw if I tell myself he’s not dead. I mean it’s been seven years now.

Second, I want to be happy with Shawn. I don’t fucking want to be happy without Shawn. I want to have my happily ever after and be happy with…

I rouse myself into action. Time to face James and fight whatever battle I need to tonight, to make sure he doesn’t stay.

As I take the final steps to my front door, I straighten up and pull my shoulders back. A ballet teacher in my youth told me to always pull my shoulders back to appear confident. Her motto was if you dance with confidence no one will know if you’re making a mistake.

I need to dance this dance with James with confidence. I need to lead.

The words of rejection are already on my lips as I open the door.

As my eyes move over the man standing in the doorway, my instincts scream at me to slam the door shut in his face.

It can’t be, it simply cannot be.

Either my eyes are deceiving me, or I’m suffering a severe mental breakdown.

“Can I come in?”

When he speaks, I nearly scream out loud.