Chapter 27

Shawn

As we walk into the restaurant, the vibe is upbeat but quiet. All around there are contented murmurs and occasional bouts of laughter erupting. There is the constant hum of conversation that hangs on the air when everyone is comfortable and happy.

It never ceases to amaze me—how dull and yet glittering our world is. These people…these people have no idea how it feels to bleed in the dirt. To beg your buddy not to die. To scream for help, but nothing comes.

At times like this, I don’t know which one the real world is. Both can’t be real. How can that dark sharp place exist on the same planet as these carefree, bright people? The only thing they’re worried about is if the chef nailed that new sauce.

I tell myself to get a fucking grip. When I was over there, all I wanted, actually I can’t fucking recall what I wanted. But now I am home, I should stop being a goddamn wuss and get on with it.

Do you want to become one of those guys who sleeps on the floor and jumps when cars backfire? The guy who can’t let the violence go?

No. Not gonna happen. I’m going to show Tanner how to be a real man in this world. That it takes a real man to survive without fighting.

Evelyn weaves through tables ahead of me, looking amazing in a clinging dress of soft, shiny fabric. She has this light smile that she hands out to anyone who looks up at her—a few do.

She’s not just pretty. She has a light. A definite radiance—and people just respond to her.

I feel my troubles slip away as I admire her easy expression. If only they could slip further away, so far they can’t just float back to me and come up at the worst possible time. Always just below the surface.

James is already at the table and he stands up, grabbing my hand as we approach. We clasp hands and lean in, slapping each other on the shoulder. I can’t tell you how close brothers in war were, because I can’t fucking recall, but I feel a bond. And, of course, I’ve been told we were best friends.

As we pull back, James grips my hand once more, smiling. We mouth the usual platitudes that mean nothing; our voices joining the meaningless murmur in the room. I help Evelyn into her seat then sit down across from James.

A waiter leaves some menus and water and hurries away again. Evelyn immediately picks up her menu, but James and I just look at each other. We know we aren’t here for a dining experience. Something has to be said.

We love the same woman. I can’t blame him. I can’t even be angry. I’m a bit sad over it—conflicted, sure. There’s absolutely nothing I can do for the poor guy.

Evelyn realizes no one else is looking at the menu, and puts hers down. She watches us for a moment, sensing that there’s more in our shared stare than words can say.

“Everything okay, boys?” Evelyn tries to keep it light, but I can see the tension rising in her. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be. I know, she’s a kind, good hearted person and doesn’t want to hurt James. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone. None of us asked for this.

“How’s Tanner?” James turns to focus on Evelyn, “Did he ever finish that elephant puzzle?”

Evelyn lights up, her face going soft with love as she thinks of our son.

“Yes, he did.”

James looks down, swallowing hard. “I’m sorry I didn’t see it. I miss him.”

My chest twists. I’m not just thinking of how awkward this is now, or how hard it must be for James. I admit to just a little jealousy. James has been watching my kid grow up. I can’t help but feel slightly territorial.

Evelyn smiles, reaching across the table to squeeze James’ hand.

“You,” she starts and stops. James is holding up his right hand.

His eyes dart between us.

“Yeah. Look. I’m here to tell you,” he stops and sighs. “I asked you here to tell you something.”

“What?” Evelyn sounds worried.

“It’s not serious.” He smiles, including both of us in his easy expression.

“I don’t want this to be harder than it already is. I wanted to tell you, I’m just going to get out of your way. That’s the best thing. You guys need to be a family, get used to being together. It’s a miracle, really. Completely unexpected. There’s no way this should have happened.” He shakes his head just a little, gaze slipping off to a distance.

“Never should have happened,” he whispers to himself, rubbing his chin.

“James, is everything okay?” Evelyn reaches out for his hand again, but James takes them back, shaking his head. I can tell by her face that it hurts her.

“I mean it, James. We don’t want to cut you out of our lives.”

He shakes his head, “I’ve made up my mind, Evelyn, honey.” He looks into her face, smiling. “You need to be with the man you love.”

I can see her lip trembling, just a bit. What does she want to say?

“That’s a hell of a thing to do, buddy. Are you sure you’re okay with this?” I watch James’ face closely as I speak, wanting to understand how he feels. When he looks back at me, he looks sad, but determined.

Jesus. He looks like he’s about to go on a bomber run. A man before a firing squad. This is just fucked-up—every last moment of it.

“Shawn, I mean it. I’m not just doing this to get out of your way. I’m not doing it so Evelyn and Tanner can get used to being with you, or anything like that. Well, partly for those reasons. Mostly, I’m doing this for me.”

He sighs, leaning back in his chair to stretch and run his fingers through his hair.

“I need to get away. For myself. I need to figure out what I’m going to do. I don’t want you guys to worry about me. I’ll figure things out. I just need time, and so do you. The best possible thing I can do here is step away.”

Evelyn has control of herself, looking calm. She nods—her eyes are shining with tears that won’t fall.

I’m trying to think of something positive to say but I can’t find anything. Fuck it, I’m not a sympathy card. There is no possible way to make this right.

James leans forward, looking far more composed and determined. He raps the table lightly with his fist.

“Also, I want to talk about the wedding. You know it’s all paid for. There’s a significant amount of money sunk into it.”

Evelyn looks more concerned and worried now, wiping at her nose briefly. I’m feeling cold in my stomach.

Can you get a refund on this type of thing? Does he want me to pay him back?

James looks up, first to me, then to Evelyn.

“I want you guys to have it. I mean it. I think you should get married. It’s all organized and paid for, you should kick off your new lives with it. You could use it, like to renew your vows. I’m sure such a minor change can be arranged.”

I can’t speak. The room roars around me as I stare at my friend, heart swelling with gratitude. I expected a few things, but I certainly didn’t expect this.

Evelyn lets the tears roll down her cheeks as she reaches out to grip James’ hand. He lets her, squeezing her hand back and looking up into her eyes with a soft, sad look.

“It’s okay, baby. You’re still going to get that perfect wedding, with the perfect guy. Just like I promised you.”

“James…” Evelyn shakes her head, still hanging on to James’ hand. “I can’t believe this. Thank you, thank you so much. You don’t have to…”

“Yes,” he nods, firmly. “Yes, I do have to do this. You guys deserve the best. You need to get on with your lives, you’ve missed out on so much time.”

For a few moments, Evelyn and James look into each other’s eyes, and I let them. I understand that something is between them that I can’t ever share. It doesn’t threaten me, because it’s over, before it ever really began.

No one’s a villain here. We are all just victims of life’s cruel games.

“I appreciate this, James.” I’m trying to find the right words—appreciate is not even close. He looks up at me with a half-smile.

“I need to do right by you and this beautiful girl.” He shrugs, “It’s the only thing I can do.”

“I’m so sorry, old buddy,” I murmur, almost to myself.

Then I have to think, what am I apologizing for? For living? For being loved by my wife?

Or just sorry. Sorry for it all. It doesn’t have to be an apology—more a recognition of shared circumstance.

James nods. “It looks like the waiter is on his way back. How about I buy a round of nice strong drinks, we’ll talk, we’ll eat, and enjoy ourselves. There’s no hard feelings here, okay?” He smiles at both of us, and it feels warm.

I return the smile, feeling like the brothers you make under fire are closer than blood.

I’m the luckiest guy in the world.