Chapter 29
Shawn
The music plays as I look out at our guests. Our closest friends and family have all gathered to watch us renew the vows we took so long ago.
Everyone smiles and nods. The mood in the room is electric—the kind of feeling that can only be called happiness. I’ve never considered myself lucky until this very moment, in this church, waiting for my family.
I look at the doors and wait for Evelyn to walk toward me; to say that she is mine again in front of everyone we know and love, to tell me that she never really stopped loving me.
It is so hard to imagine a time when Evelyn and I didn’t exist. I love her that much, but when I look at all of the faces staring back at me, I understand that these are our people.
These people helped her through one of the hardest times in her life, and they helped her to realize that she always had someone to love her and to help her, if need be.
The organ begins the song again, but the doors don’t budge.
Where is she? After everything, she can’t really be thinking about not doing this.
My heart is pounding as the wedding march begins to feel like the longest song I’ve ever heard. There is no way Evelyn would leave me standing here—not like this. We are bigger than that, and she would never hurt me that way.
After all we’ve been through, there is no way she would not walk up that aisle to me. It’s the way things are meant to be. She knows it, and I know it, too.
As the music plays again, all I can really think about is how long I’ve been gone, and how hard it must have been for Evelyn and Tanner.
Maybe she didn’t want to do this again, to try to raise Tanner and be a family, with me.
I am sure Evelyn has her own issues, but I’m not sure if they would be big enough to keep her from opening those doors. I understand that Evelyn is mine forever, but maybe she doesn’t feel that way about me anymore. Maybe I’m the fool, about to have my feelings shattered.
This day is supposed to be perfect, but, for some reason, it’s starting to feel like a nightmare waiting to happen or like falling into the same terrible habit over and over again, with no real way to stop.
Maybe I’m just a habit Evelyn had decided to kick.
I step from side to side; my smile feels tense and fake as everyone starts to wonder what the hell is going on.
I can’t lie—I’m wondering the same thing. Evelyn hasn’t expressed anything even close to doubt, so I don’t know why I can’t raise my eyes.
I force myself to look toward the doors again, and they swing open to reveal Evelyn.
In the next instant, she is running to me at full speed. It isn’t until she reaches me that I see she’s been crying, and the fear on her face is as clear as day.
She looks at me and says, “Tanner is gone. I had him one minute, and when I turned around, he was gone. Tell me he’s here with you,” she pleads looking around.
She is despondent, and she’s shutting down. No one could blame her for it. “Excuse us for a second, everyone,” I say.
I take her hand and lead her down the aisle of the church, confused glances following us.
First thing’s first, I need to make sure Evelyn is okay. I make her sit down and take a deep breath.
“Where and when did you see Tanner last?” I make sure I sound totally calm.
Evelyn looks at me, “I told you, he was with me, but then he ran out of the room. I assumed he was running to be with you, but he isn’t with you either. I’m really worried, Shawn.”
It makes sense that Evelyn would think Tanner is with me. If he isn’t with her, who else could he be with?
“He didn’t come down here, and the last time I saw him, he was with you. When he ran out of the room, did you see which way he went?” I ask.
Evelyn looks at me, “To the right, I think. Why?”
I want to tell her I’m trying to figure it out, working through it in the way I do operations: steadily and mechanically.
“I’m trying to piece it all together, so maybe we can figure out where he may have gone.” As I look at her, I zero in on what we know so far.
“Has Tanner ever done this before, run away or hid when something seems overwhelming or when he is scared?” I ask. “Do you think he was nervous?”
Evelyn looks at me. “No. He doesn’t just run off, and you saw him this morning yourself. He’s excited about today. Normally, he wouldn’t leave my side.”
I nod. Of course, a mother knows her son best.
“Did he say anything before he ran off? Try to think back,” I urge her.
In my mind, I’m already getting ready to put our guests into groups to start searching for the little boy.
She shakes her head as she tries to remember.
“There were so many people in the room. I made sure his tie was straight, and I fixed his jacket. I was ready and heard the music and thought he left with the girls or that he was with you,” she croaks out.
I shake my head. This doesn’t make any sense.
“No, I thought he was with you, getting ready.” My heart sinks in my chest because I have no idea where our son could be, and neither does Evelyn.
It’s tearing me apart not knowing where Tanner is. I can only imagine what it must be like for Evelyn, his mother. She must be beside herself with worry and fear.
I need to start looking for our son. We fucking need to find him right now.
“You stay here. I am going to tell everyone what’s happening. The more eyes looking for him, the better. Plus, someone might have seen him after he left you.”
“I’ll come with you.”
She takes my hand, and I squeeze it tight, reassuring her.
I make the kind of announcement no parent ever wants to make, and one I never thought I would have to make today.
“Dear family and friends, sorry for the delay. But we need your help. Tanner’s gone missing.”
A hubbub erupts, and I lift my hand to quiet the room again.
“Time is of the essence. We need everyone’s help to look for Tanner: in the right and left sides of the church, at the back of the church, and the reception area. Any signs that could lead to his whereabouts should be reported to me immediately.”
I watch everyone move to the area I asked them to search.
“And what do we do?”
I take Evelyn’s hand and head to the confession cubicles.
“We look everywhere for Tanner until we find him.”