Chapter 24
Evelyn
I can’t lose him—not again—not after I’ve just gotten him back.
“Shawn!” I cry out.
It’s hard to keep my voice under control. Mindful of neighbors and a sleeping Tanner, I don’t want to yell too loudly.
He doesn’t stop, and soon, he’s stepping onto the street.
I speed up to catch him, practically running as if my life depended on it—and it does. That may seem dramatic, but can you blame me after what I’ve been through with this man?
First, he’s listed as missing in action, and then, I’m told he’s dead. Out of the blue, he shows up after seven years; and now, he wants to simply walk away again, out of mine and Tanner’s life.
I won’t give up without a fight.
My arm reaches out quickly to grab his arm. I yank on it, trying to stop him, and pull him towards me, but he’s determined to keep going, and my feeble attempt does nothing.
“Shawn, stop! Where are you going?” I dig my nails into his bicep.
He finally stops right in the middle of the road.
“Shawn, talk to me. Why are you trying to leave?”
He looks at me in disbelief.
“What do you mean, why?” he asks. “You were there, Evelyn. It was your throat my hands were wrapped around.”
His voice breaks slightly. He has a look on his face that I can only describe as the look of a man who has been broken and now appears like a lost little boy. His eyes are filled with raw emotion—sorrow, anger, and devastation.
“I was there…but you were having a nightmare. I’m fine, and it’s al—”
“Do not say you are fucking alright!” he growls. “What just happened is not okay, Evelyn—it will never be okay. And I know you are not fine. Your voice is raspy, so I know I hurt you, and you still have a hint of fear in your eyes.”
He’s right—my voice is starting to rasp a little, and my throat feels a little scratchy. It could be worse, though, but it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that he doesn’t leave me.
There are multiple reasons for my symptoms. For starters, I’m faced with him walking out of my life again.
“Let’s go back into the house and talk about this, please,” I beg him.
His eyes widen.
“No, Evelyn! I was just choking you not two minutes ago in that house, in your own bed. How can you even be standing here asking me to come back into the house after what I just did?”
My blood is getting colder by the minute. He’s freaked out about what happened—I understand—but it’s terrifying to think that I can’t convince him to not let this pull us apart.
“I’m too unstable and dangerous to stay with you,” he continues. “I had no control over what I was doing to you because of a damn dream—I wasn’t aware of what I was doing. I refuse to put you in harm’s way, even if it means I have to remove myself from your side.”
We are both silent for a while. Then he goes on, “Look, I hurt you. What if I do it again or next time it’s Tanner I’m hurting? No, just no. I’m not going to let that happen.”
He runs his hands through his hair in utter frustration. My heart aches for him. Trouble is, I know he would never hurt me or Tanner. Not on purpose.
Deep down I know he’d always stop, and, deep down, I believe those nightmares will get better over time.
“You’re not going to hurt me or Tanner,” I exclaim. “I trust you. You realized what was happening instantly and backed off. I saw the shock and fear in your eyes when the dream cleared. I know you didn’t mean to react to the dream in the way you did, and that’s all that matters.”
He lifts his hands up to thread them through his hair again before gripping his head tightly. I can feel the frustration he is exuding right now.
“It does matter, Evelyn. We can’t just ignore it. Yes, I backed off, but I still had my hands around your throat before that. If it happened once, it can happen again. That’s why I can’t stay and it’s why I’m leaving.”
He turns away from me, but I latch on to him, pulling with all my might.
“No! You just came back to me! Don’t you dare leave me again, you bastard!” I yelled the last statement to him.
Tears are now streaming down my face. I can’t go through the whole ordeal of losing him again. I’ve never gotten over the first time I thought he was gone, and my heart shattered when I was told he was killed in Afghanistan.
If he leaves now, there will be nothing left of me. And this time, I would know for a fact that he is alive, but not by my side.
“Please, Shawn,” I frantically beg. “Not again. I thought you were dead, and now I know you’re not. You leave, and I might as well be dead, too.”
Shawn is staring at me with a tortured expression.
Over Shawn’s shoulder, I see one of the neighbor’s lights turning on. Shawn turns to see what I’m looking at, and we both see the curtains twitch as someone looks out onto the street.
He turns back to me and pulls me into his arms. I grip him with every fiber of my being.
“Don’t leave me, please,” I mumble into his chest.
“It’s okay, sweetheart,” he whispers to me. “I’m not leaving you. Let’s go back into the house.”
I pull my face back and notice the tears I’ve left on his shirt before looking him in the eye. I’m still crying, but I manage to nod my head.
We walk back towards the house with Shawn’s arm wrapped around my shoulder and mine wrapped around his waist. I refuse to let him go, afraid that if I do, he’ll run scared again.
Before this moment, I haven’t realized how terrified I am of losing him again. I’ve never really allowed this thought to take root in my head.
When he came back, it sort of felt like he was here despite the fact that he had amnesia, despite the fact that I was engaged to another man, or that neither of us knew what to do now that we were back together.
I also haven’t realized the extent of how much this man means to me. I loved him with all my heart before he disappeared. Knowing what it was like to live without him made me realize how empty my life was—even with James by my side.
Experiencing the fear of losing him a second time revealed yet another aspect of just how much I need and want Shawn in my life. He means everything to me. He’s the love of my life, my best friend, and the father of my child.
Without him, I’m nothing. He completes me.
I can’t and won’t let him leave me again.