Chapter 40

Evelyn

Tanner’s tiny, soft hands flutter across my big belly like butterfly wings. At twenty-six weeks, I feel ready to pop already.

Shawn takes such amazing care of me. I’m lying on the couch with my feet up, and Shawn is handling the pancakes. I can smell sweet vanilla and warm butter wafting from the kitchen.

“…and then, we’ll go bike-riding down the long track. We’ll go camping on the holidays, I can show you this spot where the deer goes.” Tanner looks up from his conversation with my belly to eye me seriously. “Mom, do you know if I’m getting a brother or a sister?”

I rub my belly lightly. “I don’t know, Tanner. But maybe you shouldn’t try bike riding and hiking right away.”

“Why?”

I chuckle, rubbing my belly and covering Tanner’s little hands with mine. Against our hands, my belly feels big, tight, and very warm.

“Well, babies don’t come out ready to go, not like deer babies or even duck babies. Human babies need time, at least a few years to grow up before they can do things like bike-riding.”

Tanner frowns, scowling at my belly. “Well, that doesn’t sound very fun. Why is that?”

I stroke Tanner’s cheek gently, brushing back his hair.

“That’s just the way it is, sweetie. You’ll see. I’ll show you how to hold our new baby and feed him or her.”

“But when can I play with him?”

“It will take a while. Don’t worry, Tanner. You’ll fall in love with the baby. And remember, it may not be a brother.”

Tanner snorts, the way only a young child can. His voice and manner declares quite boldly that he knows everything and has been everywhere. Meanwhile, he displays a vivid excitement at discovering new things. It’s true that kids these days become teenagers before they’re ready.

Tanner gives my belly a final pat and goes back to playing with his trucks on the mat. I stretch my shoulders and wiggle amongst the soft cushions propped against my back and legs.

Pregnant women can never get truly comfortable, no matter how many pillows we use.

Shawn stands at the door of the room with a small plate of pancakes.

“Hey, Tanner, buddy. You want to eat there while you play?”

“Sure, Dad! Thanks. Is it okay, Mom? Remember how James always said I had to sit at the table.”

I smile for my son, shrugging lightly. “Sure is. It’s our house, sweetie. Our rules.”

Tanner starts breaking the pancakes into pieces while playing. I look up at Shawn, my smile trailing away. He gives me a grim smile and returns to the kitchen.

I feel cold and angry, like I always do when someone mentions James. It’s not Tanner’s fault—we fucked up part of his childhood.

The poor kid will grow out of this. He’ll leave it behind. It won’t take him long. Kids are resilient that way. I have to work on doing the same.

I can’t let the past ruin the beautiful life we have now.

Shawn returns with two plates of pancakes, slathered with fresh maple syrup. He puts his plate on the coffee table, handing mine over to me. I take a bite, and they’re fantastic—creamy and sweet with crispy outsides.

“How did you make these?” I balance the plate on my belly as I cut through the pancakes.

Shawn grins, starting on his own.

“It’s a secret. One day, I may tell you.”

“Hmm,” I waggle my eyebrows up and down. “You’re not the only one with a secret.”

“Yeah?” Shawn digs into the food, looking up to give me a wink.

“I don’t think I’ll reveal it just yet.”

“Tease.”

“You know it.”

Shawn laughs, and I eat a bit more. He finishes, and I hand him my plate with about half a pancake left.

“They’re beautiful, honey, and I was so hungry. But I just get full so fast. I can’t seem to finish anything.”

Shawn rubs my belly lightly as he stacks my plate on top of his and demolishes the last of my pancake.

“That’s okay, babe. I can always make some more later. I got the house cleaned, too. Honestly, I have no clue how you get the kitchen floor as clean as you do. I got the laundry in as well.”

“Oh.” I reach out for him and he leans in, snuggling my neck as I kiss him on the forehead. “You spoil me.”

He pulls back, grinning. “I haven’t even started spoiling you yet.”

“I like the sound of that.”

He gets up. “I better get the dishes done.”

“No, stay. Cuddle me a bit.”

“How can I resist?” Shawn snuggles beside me, sliding one arm across my belly as he leans against my shoulder. I stroke his soft hair, gently.

“No nightmares?” I ask him softly.

He nods against my chest. “A few. But not like the ones before. The work with the sleep therapist is really working. I’m not helpless in my dreams. That crippling anxiety which caused the panic attacks before is just about gone.”

“Excellent! Did the psychologist want to do another follow-up?”

“Not for another couple of months at least. She said I’m doing great. ‘A very clean mental process’ were her exact words, I think.”

“Oh, baby,” I pull his face up to mine and we lean in for a kiss.

Shawn takes his time, lingering over my lips. I bring my hands up around his neck and let him fall in to me.

“You guys are gross.” Tanner yells from the floor, bashing two trucks together making big ‘vroom’ and ‘smash’ noises.

Shawn laughs, settling in beside me. Cartoons race crazily across the screen. The characters and the scenes change, but the plots remain the same—crazy characters constantly evolving to new heights of comedy.

Our lives are like that—how we become several different versions of ourselves until we come so far that, by then, we don’t know who we are anymore. Thank god Shawn and I found each other, right when we needed each other the most.

“How did your appointment go the other day?” Shawn rubs my belly, kissing it gently and whispering to it. “I just took Tanner to the park because he was howling right there in the surgery. I so wanted to be with you, but we couldn’t just bring him in with you.”

“What was the tantrum about?”

“Oh, he wanted a new Spiderman figure. I refused, and Tanner thought Santa couldn’t see his bad behavior when he’s out of the house.”

I chuckle lightly. “Yeah, that’s a good one. Once he calmed down, what did you tell him?”

“That Santa sees you everywhere and that, if he wants that figure for Christmas, he better be good.”

“I am being good!” An indignant yell from the floor and some more smashing of trucks. Both Shawn and I smile.

Looking into his eyes, having his body so close and warm against mine—it’s like a dream. I dreamed of him so much.

I feel like my dreams called him back to me. He saved us. He was the only one who could have.

He saved me from myself. He saved my heart and my soul. I didn’t even know I needed saving.

He didn’t just save me physically from James. He showed me that bad things don’t have to define your entire life.

He taught me to be a fighter. To not regret the necessary actions and keep moving forward. And we will keep moving forward—together forever.

“The appointment was fine,” I rub my belly as I answer the question, our fingers brushing against each other as we both stroke in soft, circular motions. “You know how those baby appointments go. Poking, prodding, and lots of questions. Usually the same questions, over and over.”

Shawn stares at my belly as if he’s trying to look inside. “So long as everything‘s well, that’s all that matters.”

I smile a cheeky smile. “You know what else?”

“What?” Shawn puts an ear to my belly.

“They had the results from the ultrasound.”

“Did you get pictures?”

“Yes, I did. They’re in my purse.”

“May I see?”

“Sure. But I need to tell you something first.”

Shawn sits up, focusing on me properly. “What? Is something not right? Whatever it is…”

“No, no, silly billy,” I pull him down and kiss him, smiling reassuringly. “It’s nothing like that. But once you see the photos, you will know, so I can’t really keep it a secret anymore.”

“What? Keep what a secret?” Shawn’s looking at me like a bomb about to go off, and he has no idea how to diffuse it.

I pull him close again, getting him to lie next to me. Our bodies press together, delicious warmth and tingles of closeness.

“It’s a girl.”

Shawn’s face crumples, and he tears up a bit as he puts his arms around me. He hugs me tight but with extreme gentleness. I wrap my arms around him, mingling us together.

Tanner throws his trucks down and comes over, throwing his arms around us both. We wriggle around on the lounge until we all fit.

Warm, cozy, together, and safe. Life can be dark, hard, and dangerous. That’s why she gives us these moments in between.

These moments of comfort and love. Just so we always know what we’re fighting for.