Steve was out of breath and sounded as satisfied as always. He and Porsha had just made love—at least that’s what he likely had thought it was, but to her, they’d merely had sex. Actually, Porsha hadn’t been in the mood to do anything with him, but being intimate was the norm for them so she’d gone along with it. Now, though, she was glad it was over. She was puzzled by her feelings because for the first time since they’d met and had slept together, she hadn’t enjoyed herself. She’d even felt an unusual amount of guilt, almost the same as when she’d woken up this morning. And, as much as she hated to admit it, she’d also spent part of the last few minutes thinking about Dillon. She so didn’t want to keep doing this, but no matter how much she tried to push Dillon from her mind, she couldn’t. If anything, she was thinking about him more and more, and she didn’t know what to do about it.
Porsha turned her back to Steve.
And he obviously knew something wasn’t right. “Baby, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Then why are you acting this way?”
“I’m fine.”
Steve sighed. “Look, I’m sorry about my situation. I’m sorry I can’t leave my wife the way you want me to.”
Porsha didn’t even bother responding.
Steve caressed her arm. “But tell me what I can do to make things better.”
“Maybe you should just get dressed. Go home to your family.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s not like you can spend the night, anyway.”
“No, but what if I start visiting you more? Maybe seeing you no less than three times a week? And I can take you on some of my business trips? We can start with the one I’m traveling to at the end of this month. You know, the health care conference I told you about.”
Porsha still didn’t comment, but she did like that he was trying to make her happy. She knew most women wouldn’t see Steve’s offer as anything spectacular, since traveling to a work conference still didn’t compare to his divorcing his wife. But for some reason, it made her feel better about their relationship, because maybe if she could spend more time with him, she’d then be able to make him see that it was her who he truly loved and wanted to be with—it was her who he wanted to be married to.
Still, she responded less positively. “I’m not sure any of that will make a difference.”
Steve moved his hand away from her. “Then I’m not sure what else I can do. I mean, what is it that you want from me?”
Porsha sat up and squinted at him. “I’ve already told you what I want. The whole package. I want to be your wife and not your mistress.”
“But we’ve already discussed that. And it just can’t happen. Not right now.”
“Well, I’m tired of living this way.”
“Then why did you start seeing me? Huh? Because you knew I was married. You knew I couldn’t see you whenever I wanted to.”
“That’s beside the point. What matters now is that I don’t want to be your nasty little secret anymore. I don’t want to be some petty side chick. I want more than that.”
Steve shook his head. “You’re impossible.”
“Why? Because I know my worth? Because I’ve changed my mind about what I need?”
“You should’ve thought about that when you first laid down with me.”
“And you should’ve thought about the fact that not every mistress is crazy enough to wait years for a man to leave his wife.”
“So what does that mean exactly? You don’t love me anymore? You want us to end things?”
Porsha hated herself for not being able to say “yes,” but she couldn’t. And it was mostly because she didn’t have anyone else. She didn’t want to believe that something was better than nothing, but she sort of did. “Look, I know this isn’t what you were expecting, but the last thing I want is to be hurt. I also don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. Can you understand that? I mean, here I’ll be thirty-five next year, and I’ve never been married. And I want to have children, too.”
Steve pulled her closer to him and wrapped his arms around her. “Sweetheart, I would never hurt you, and things won’t always be this way. At some point, I will leave Denene. I just have to wait until Stevie finishes high school and leaves for college.”
“I know you keep saying that, but isn’t he only going to be a sophomore this fall?”
“He is.”
Porsha sat up straight again and looked at him. “And you think it’s fair for me to wait another three whole years? Not to mention how long it will probably take for your divorce to be final.”
“I know it seems like forever, but if we start spending more time together three years will pass quickly.”
“I don’t think so.”
“You just have to be patient. And if you really love me the way you say you do, you will.”
“And if you love me, you’ll do whatever you have to to make me happy.”
“Where is all this coming from?” he asked, dropping his feet onto the floor and sitting with his back to her.
“I told you. I want more. Life is short. And I don’t want to spend the next three years hiding out here at home with you.”
“I understand that, and that’s why I suggested you go on some of my business trips.”
“Why? So I can hide out in your hotel room?”
“This is crazy.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way,” she said, “but if you want to know the truth, I also don’t want to keep sleeping with someone else’s husband.”
Steve laughed. “Oh, so now I guess you’ve turned into some sort of saint.”
“You know as well as I do that what we’re doing is wrong. You’re an ordained deacon, and I’m a minister.”
“Yeah, well, we didn’t just become them. You were a minister when I met you, and I’ve been a deacon for years. So, as much as I hate to say it, we’re not perfect. But who is? The Bible says that we all fall short of the glory of God.”
“Yeah, but it also says that you will know the truth and the truth shall set you free.”
“Did you read that scripture before you slept with me the first time or just this week?”
Porsha didn’t respond, but that same feeling of guilt she’d struggled with this morning was consuming her again. It was so intense, she felt dirty.
So she finally got up, grabbed her maxi-length robe, and slipped it on. But then her phone rang. She couldn’t imagine who might be calling her this late in the evening. Interestingly enough, though, when she went over and pulled it from her handbag, she saw that it was Dillon again. She wondered what he wanted, but she hit Ignore and dropped her phone back inside her purse.
“Who was that?” Steve asked.
“Nobody important.”
“Yeah, right. Maybe that’s why you’re all of a sudden trying to act so holier-than-thou.”
“Meaning?”
“You’re seeing someone else.”
“Steve, please. Don’t turn this on me. You’re the one who’s married, and the only reason you’re upset is because I’m not okay with that anymore.”
Steve stood up. “Whatever you say. And you know what? Maybe I should just leave.”
“Do whatever you think you need to.”
Steve rolled his eyes at her and went into the bathroom.
But at the moment, Porsha couldn’t have cared less. Not when she was still trying to figure out why Dillon was calling her. Regardless of what his reason was, she knew it was best to leave her past exactly where it was, because she didn’t want any trouble. She didn’t want to create more problems for herself than she already had.