Four days in a row. That’s how often Dillon had called Porsha, and once again, she was happy to hear from him.
“So you do realize we just talked last night, don’t you?” she asked, leaning back in her office chair at the church.
“Yeah, but what does that have to do with me calling you today?”
“I guess I don’t understand why you’re calling. Not after all the drama we’ve been through.”
“That’s all in the past.”
“Maybe, but I still remember every single thing that happened.”
“I’m sure you do, but I’m not giving up on us. I’m going to keep calling until you agree to see me.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Why?”
“I just don’t.”
“Okay, wait a minute,” he said, as though he’d had some huge lightbulb moment. “Are you seeing someone? Is that why you keep turning me down?”
Porsha scooted slightly away from her desk and crossed her legs. “As a matter of fact, I am.”
“Is it serious?”
“Why do you want to know?”
“Because if it is—or even if it’s not—I want you to end it.”
Porsha chuckled. “Wow, you have some real issues.”
“No, I just know what I want, and I’m not afraid to go after it.”
Porsha didn’t comment.
“Are you there?” he asked. “Because I don’t hear anything.”
“What do you want me to say?”
“That you’re willing to give me another chance. That you never stopped loving me. Because I certainly still love you.”
Porsha closed her eyes, trying not to let his words affect her. But they did. She didn’t need this kind of thing happening in her life right now. Not when she was already struggling with her conscience and the fact that she knew she wasn’t honoring God the way she should. What she wanted was to focus on her singles ministry for women, figure out a way to end things with Steve, and also tell Dillon that they could never be a couple again. That a relationship between them would never work. But she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She couldn’t convey any of what she was thinking, because in all honesty, she did want to see him. More than ever.
“You only think you still love me,” she finally said. “Or who knows? Maybe you never loved me at all. Maybe what we had was only about sex.”
“The sex was out of this world. You and I both know that. But I also cared about you and loved you.”
“Right. You loved me so much that you started seeing that woman, Taylor, and then you asked her to marry you.”
“I know, and I realize now how much I hurt you. I mean, I always knew that I had, but talking to you this week has let me know how much it really affected you. And I’m sorry.”
“Sorry won’t change what happened. It also won’t guarantee that you won’t hurt me again.”
“No, but if you love me you have to at least try to trust me again. I know I don’t deserve anything from you, but it’s like I just told you. I’m not giving up.”
Porsha wanted to tell him how much she did want to give him a chance but also that she was terrified of what the outcome would be. Especially since she had so many scenarios playing out in her head. What if Dillon was only using her to eventually find out all he could about Raven? That way, he’d be able to possibly get back at her. Or what if he simply just wanted to start sleeping with her again? What if he was merely looking for yet another woman to mess around with? For all Porsha knew, Taylor could’ve ended things with him because he hadn’t been faithful to her. It was certainly possible.
“So can I come over?” Dillon asked.
“We’ve already discussed that.”
“Well, like I said, I’m not giving up. So if it means calling you every day until you say yes, then that’s exactly what I’ll be doing. It’s up to you.”
“I really wish you wouldn’t do that.”
“Why, because you don’t want me to or because you know you want the same thing I do?”
“I have to go,” she said.
“I’ll bet you do, because you know I’m telling the truth.”
“Good-bye, Dillon.”
“Talk to you tomorrow.”
Porsha could barely contain herself, and she didn’t like how she was feeling. She wasn’t happy about the way she was steadily allowing Dillon to wear her down. At first it had been easy to tell him no, but now she struggled with it.
Porsha took a deep breath and pulled her laptop closer. Before Dillon had called, she’d been writing her inspirational message for Sunday morning’s service, and she wanted to get it finished. This would only be her second time delivering one, but the entire process already felt natural to her. It was as if she didn’t have to think hard about what to write or say, and the idea of hopefully helping one or more of their parishioners on a weekly basis made her feel even better about it. Then, what excited her more was her singles ministry, which she was planning to spend all of this afternoon working on.
She spent the next hour finalizing her message, but then her cell phone rang. She looked at the display and hesitated. It was Steve, and although she was tempted to let his call go to voice mail, she didn’t.
“Hey,” she said.
“Hey, baby, how are you?”
“Good. You?”
“I’m great. So have you made a decision about our trip?”
“I have, and I can’t go.”
“You can’t or you just don’t want to?”
“Steve, please try to understand my position. I love you, but what we’re doing isn’t right.”
“Porsha, where in the world is all of this coming from?” he yelled. “I mean, why don’t you tell me what this is really about.”
He rarely called her by her first name, so she knew he was livid. “Steve, all I can say is that I’m sorry. I know this isn’t what you were expecting to hear, but I don’t feel good about our relationship any longer.”
“Just like that? In a matter of days, you somehow fell completely out of love with me?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying. I do love you. That part hasn’t changed, but there’s something inside of me that’s different. Something I’ve never felt before.”
“Yeah, and what is that exactly?”
“I don’t want to keep sleeping with another woman’s husband.”
“And you just woke up one day this week and decided that?”
“I know it sounds strange, but yes. I mean, I’ve always known that what we were doing was wrong, but now I feel really bad about it. Much worse than I used to.”
“So I guess you don’t want me to come over tonight, either.”
Porsha didn’t respond because a part of her did want to see him, but a part of her didn’t. Her whole way of thinking was so wishy-washy now. So baffling and worrisome.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” she said.
“Baby, please don’t do this.”
“I’m sorry. I really am.”
“And that’s supposed to make me feel better? Because right now, the word ‘sorry’ isn’t doing very much for me. It means nothing.”
Porsha wasn’t sure why, but tears filled her eyes. She was so torn over this.
“Baby, I know you’re going through something,” he said. “That part I believe. But please don’t end things between us. Let me come see you. We don’t even have to make love. Just let me come hold you and spend time with you.”
Maybe it was best to see Steve at least one last time. Because it wasn’t as though they’d just met a couple of weeks ago. They’d been seeing each other regularly for months.
“Okay, fine.”
“I’ll see you tonight then. And baby, please don’t give up on me. Please give me a chance to make things right.”
Porsha didn’t respond, but she couldn’t help thinking about the conversation she’d just had with Dillon. He’d spoken similar words, except he’d professed how he was the one who wasn’t planning to give up on trying to be with her.
“I’ll see you later,” she said.
“I love you, baby,” he told her.
Porsha saw the call ending and set the phone down. She’d agreed to let Steve come over, but she still knew it was wrong. It had always been wrong, and if she could do things over she would never have begun sleeping with him in the first place. She never would’ve begun sleeping with Dillon when he was married, either. But this was all wishful thinking, and it wasn’t possible to change what had already been done. That was the unfortunate truth when it came to making terrible choices, committing awful sins, and hurting innocent people. A person couldn’t erase any of it. But what she did know was that different choices could be made, and that even though everyone fell short sometimes—just as the Bible confirmed—there were still certain sins that could be eliminated for good. Because again, it had to do with choices.
She still didn’t know why her conscience had chosen this particular week to overwhelm her, but then she remembered something her father used to say. “When God decides that it’s time for you to make a change, a change you will surely make. He will get what He wants, and you won’t be able to stop Him.”
Porsha missed her father so much, and now tears streamed down both sides of her face. There was no doubt that she was going to have to make lots of changes, and she just hoped she was strong enough to do the right things. She wanted to become a better person, and she knew there was one thing in particular that she had to stop doing: pretending that God had called her to preach. She wasn’t sure how or when she was going to make this known to everyone, but she knew it was inevitable. It was time she stopped playing with God before something bad happened.