There’s a huge difference between true Christians who love and honor God and those who I refer to as ‘lukewarm church people,’” Porsha heard Pastor Gwyn Shepherd say.
Porsha had been power walking on her treadmill for nearly an hour and could barely take her eyes off the television. Before becoming a minister, Porsha had rarely watched any televangelist, but once she’d decided to take on that position, she’d watched as many of them as she could. She’d done so because she’d known she could learn a lot about ministry and how to deliver a Christian message.
But for the last few months, it was mainly Gwyn, a prominent local pastor, who held her attention, and Porsha admired her—partly because she was a woman and she had a noticeable way with words, and partly because unlike Porsha and Raven, she seemed to live the same kind of godly life she encouraged others to live. Porsha enjoyed Gwyn’s sermons so much that she rarely missed a single morning broadcast. There were times when she did get up a little later than normal and needed to get to the church, but even when she missed the early airings, she watched the DVR recording in the evenings.
“The Bible says, ‘Beware of false prophets who come disguised as harmless sheep but are really vicious wolves,’” Gwyn said matter-of-factly, and Porsha swallowed hard. Then, strangely, she realized she was fighting back tears. It wasn’t that time of the month for her, so she wondered why she was so emotional. But the more Gwyn spoke, the more Porsha identified with the sermon—and the guiltier she started to feel. Her parents had taught her to love and honor God, but she knew her real reasons for becoming a minister had nothing to do with that. And deep down, she struggled with her deception. This was also the reason that Porsha sometimes wondered why she did some of the things she did, although she couldn’t deny that much of her wrongdoing had seemed to escalate when her father had passed. As it was, she’d lost her mom when she was only a young teenager—she’d been thirteen, to be exact—and then she’d lost her dad just a few years ago. Worse, she was an only child, the same as her parents had been, so she felt all alone. She was alone, and she’d finally had to accept that she’d been left fending for herself in this cold, cruel world.
But it hadn’t been long before all the money her father had willed to her had begun to fill part of the void. Not to mention, even when her dad had been alive, she hadn’t wanted for anything. He’d made sure of it. But when she’d learned soon after his death that he’d left her his entire estate—a few million dollars, plus all his properties and personal possessions—she’d begun traveling to new countries and beautiful islands she’d never gone to before. And while visiting those places, she’d purchased high-end clothing, handbags, and other accessories without paying much attention to the cost, and well…she’d simply enjoyed herself in every way she knew how.
The only problem with that, though, was the fact that traveling and buying material luxuries had only been able to hold her attention for maybe the first full year after her father’s passing. It had all soon become old and boring, and what she’d ultimately realized was that she needed someone to love—and someone to love her back. Someone to happily spend the rest of her life with. So, of course, it hadn’t been long after she’d stopped traveling and had begun attending church regularly again that she’d found herself strongly attracted to Pastor Dillon Whitfield Black. More than she’d ever been attracted to any man.
At first, he’d acted as though he wasn’t interested, but once she’d made her intentions known to him, one Sunday after another, he had eventually surrendered and had driven over to the northwest suburb that she’d moved to outside of Chicago. She’d since sold that home and moved to Mitchell because of her dedication to NVCC, but it was there that Porsha and Dillon had become close. They’d quickly recognized and fully embraced the intense chemistry they shared, and their relationship had blossomed into something she’d been sure would lead to marriage. It was true that at the time, Dillon had been married to Raven, but Porsha had seen Raven as nothing more than a mere technicality. Surely—at least she’d thought so, anyway—if Dillon had genuinely loved Raven, he wouldn’t have been sleeping with Porsha every chance he got. She’d been positive that it would only be a matter of time before he asked Raven for a divorce, and she would agree to it. Then Porsha and Dillon would finally become husband and wife.
But, sadly, not only had things not turned out the way Porsha had hoped, Dillon had begun having another affair. He’d cheated on Porsha with another mistress, and Porsha’s discovery of this disturbing news had sent her into a fury. She’d become so upset that her love for Dillon had slowly turned to hate, and she’d soon decided that she couldn’t let him get away with what he was doing. Of course, Dillon hadn’t known it, but Porsha had recorded a couple of their sexcapades and had stored away the DVD for safekeeping. So, needless to say, when she’d learned about this Taylor woman, she’d contacted Raven right away. She’d told her everything and had then driven over to Mitchell to Dillon and Raven’s home to bring her a copy. Porsha could still see the hurt yet seething look in Raven’s eyes, and Porsha had understood completely. It was the reason, too, that Porsha had apologized to Raven more than once for sleeping with her husband. And her apology had been sincere. Porsha had very much regretted what she’d done, and surprisingly, Raven had thanked her for bringing her the ammunition she needed in order to get what she wanted from Dillon: to be named co-founder and co-pastor of his ministry.
But as it had turned out, Dillon’s church had burned to the ground before that could happen, and Raven had divorced him and founded her own ministry. Porsha had fully supported her vision, and because of the guilt she’d felt about having an affair with Dillon, she’d quickly offered to invest 100 percent of the funding that Raven had needed. Still, if Porsha could do things over, she wouldn’t have acted so irrationally. Especially since there were times when she wondered if Raven might ever try to use that video against her or Dillon. Porsha hoped not, but with the way Raven had been acting lately, Porsha worried that Raven might be capable of anything.
Porsha watched more of the sermon broadcast and sighed. What was wrong with her, and why did she continue making such awful choices? She’d slept with a married man two years ago, and she was sleeping with another one now. Her parents would be so disappointed. They wouldn’t be happy about the sins she was committing, and in all honesty, she wasn’t sure why she couldn’t just stop what she was doing. Why couldn’t she simply be the good girl her parents had raised her to be and leave well enough alone? She also didn’t understand this new desire she had to reach more people. Although, maybe she needed something that connected her to others because she didn’t have much to be proud of on her own. She had money—lots of it—but money didn’t validate a person. It couldn’t provide unconditional love or guarantee happiness. It couldn’t comfort or protect you. It couldn’t shield you from loneliness and heartbreak.
Porsha swallowed more tears and revved up the pace on her treadmill. She watched more of Gwyn and couldn’t stop crying. Then she wept harder and worked her legs even faster, trying to push the woe-is-me thinking from her mind. But soon, she finally regained her composure, picked up the remote from one of the machine’s cup holders, and turned the channel. She flipped through a few programs until she spotted a rerun of Scandal. As usual, Olivia Pope was taking total control of some wicked situation and fixing things in a powerful, no-nonsense fashion. Olivia was the person everyone turned to when they needed something handled, or worse, they needed some crime or sin they’d committed to go away. Porsha didn’t want to be a fixer per se, but she did want to be a go-to person. She wanted folks from every walk of life to know her as a woman who could help them. She wasn’t sure how she would go about accomplishing this, but she knew anything was possible if a person had the right kind of resources and connected with the right people. So just as Porsha had been thinking yesterday, all she had to do was figure out her true calling. Because if there was one thing she knew for sure, every human being on this earth had one.