Eleven
Connor didn’t see her for the next two days. There was an endless amount of tasks that required his attention. Nay, he corrected himself- he had made himself busy. Kiel was up and about, doing very well. Maddie had done an excellent job at healing him and stitching his wound, Esther had said. Iain told Connor that she had asked when her father would be sending for her and he hadn’t known how to respond.
“What did ye tell her?”
“I told her in a little less than a fortnight, Connor.”
“She wants to leave here.” It was a statement, not a question.
Iain shook his head in response. “I doona think so, Connor. Her eyes were sad and it looked as if she hadna been sleeping well.”
“It will take time to negotiate. I’ll have to think of something to say to lay her questions to rest.”
“Why not the truth, then? There’s a novelty, Connor,” Iain said heatedly. After a closer look at his brother, he said, “Ye still intend on her returning to England, doona ye, even after ye know her father doesna give a damn about her?” Iain’s eyes were wide with scorn.
Connor looked back at him. Conflicting emotions played on his face and then he exploded.
“I doona know, Iain! She confuses me. I want her near yet I want the vengeance! ‘Tis nay an easy decision.”
“Mother and Katie would resent yer efforts to avenge Katie’s violation at the expense of Maddie, who they deeply care for, I might add!”
“Leave me! It is my decision and mine alone, Iain.”
Connor walked away, fuming. His strides were fast and purposeful.
Iain shook his head. When was he going to figure out that he cared for Maddie? And love? That wasn’t too far behind.
Connor went outside to practice and train. His movements were forceful, and charged with energy fueled by anger. He was hard and unyielding on his warriors. His stance was rigid, and his body was tense. After a particularly demanding bout pitting him against five men, he roared. The physical exertion felt good to him. The adrenaline coursing through his veins was heady and powerful.
At the noon break, he turned towards the castle. Sweat dripped down his body. He looked to his right, and Maddie was there, as if haunting him. Her smiles and laughs with the children echoed around him. Then he took a closer look at her face. She was tense and ill at ease.
Maddie crumpled to the ground.
The children screamed and he heard a bellow. He recognized it as his own as he knelt next to her.
“Maddie?” his voiced sounded strained.
Katie went to get Esther. Connor carried Maddie inside.
He looked up only briefly to make sure he didn’t trip. Mostly, his eyes were trained her. Sweat beaded on her forehead. Her face was bright red and she was breathing through her mouth.
What was wrong with her?
“Esther! Esther, she just fell!”
Esther ran to Maddie’s side and felt her forehead.
“My God! She’s burning up, milord. She has a terrible fever. Katie! Have Aimee prepare a bath with tepid water, nay cold nor hot. Laird, we must get her upstairs!”
Connor picked her up. She was as light as a feather! Her eyes looked sunken in. Had she been eating?
Connor rushed her upstairs and laid her on the bed.
“Has she been exposed to the season?” Esther asked, looking up.
Connor silently nodded. Miriam was in the room and looked at her son.
“Aye. We were caught in the rain two nights passed.”
Esther clucked.
“‘Tis nay good, milord. She’s not used to our season. Cold rain and cold air. Her body is quite used to something different.”
The tub was hurriedly filled with water.
“We must strip her dress off, leaving only the shift,” Esther said and both she and Miriam looked at Connor expectantly.
“Nay. I willna leave her side. Take off the clothes, but I’ll nay leave.”
Esther didn’t argue and neither did Miriam. Connor gently placed Maddie into the water.
“Here, Laird. Take this cloth and start patting her forehead. I will grab herbs and make tea.”
Esther left and Miriam looked over to her son.
“What happened?”
“Let it go, Mother,” Connor said through clenched teeth.
“Nay, I willna! She is sick with a high fever, and quite possibly lung fever! She hasna eaten since that night in Kiel’s room. She has looked forlorn and sad. Also, Maura has been making trouble. She has made it clear that ye havena visited with her and she blames Maddie for that.”
He locked eyes with his mother’s.
“What has she been doing?”
“Talking about her to the clan. Calling her names. More of the clansfolk have stopped their children from visiting with Maddie.”
“What is she saying?”
Miriam shook her head sadly.
“That she is a witch. That they shouldna allow their bairns around her. That her eyes were proof. No one has yellow eyes. ‘Twas a sign of witchcraft.”
Connor seethed with anger. It must have been difficult for Maddie.
“And Maddie has kept quiet about this, not confronting Maura.” Connor shook his head, annoyed. Maddie was too sweet of a soul to speak up. Miriam laughed, catching him off-guard.
“Oh yes she has! Yesterday, in the courtyard, she told Maura to saunter off for there was a line of men seeking her services outside of her cottage!”
Miriam’s grin was wide with mirth. Connor’s eyes were wide and he let out a deep laugh.
“How could I ask such a question? Our Maddie wouldna take anything lying down,” Connor said, taking hold of Maddie’s hand.
“Our Maddie?” Miriam asked, scrutinizing his face closely.
After a few minutes of ignoring his mother’s invasive and pointed stare, he looked up.
“Why do ye fight it when everyone knows, Connor?”
“Knows what?”
“That ye lov- umm, care for her.”
Esther came in, saving him. She dumped a couple of herbs in the cool water and knelt down next to Maddie.
“This mint herb tea shall cool her insides, and the herbs that I tossed in the water will cool her outsides. Continue to wipe her forehead with the water.”
A few minutes passed before she spoke again.
“Laird. Lady Miriam. Please go about yer duties. ‘Tis below yer stations and ‘tis my duty.”
They both shook their heads.
“Nothing is below my station when it involves her.”
Miriam looked at her son with astonishment. He came very close to admitting his true feelings. She looked over to Esther and said, “Maddie said that there are no stations, Esther.” Miriam laughed and grew serious again. “I would like to stay with her a little longer.”
Esther nodded. Connor refocused on Maddie, and patted her forehead with a cool cloth. Miriam held and stroked her hand. Esther slowly tried to get the cool tea down Maddie’s throat.
After some time, Esther said that Maddie’s temperature fell a little but that it was important to monitor her in case her fever pitched up again. Connor didn’t allow anyone to pick her up. He gently lifted her up from the water and into his arms. Maddie moaned quietly. He dropped his head near hers and murmured to her softly. Miriam caught a few words.
“It’s alright, sweetheart. Rest, love.”
Connor placed her down onto plaid and dried her off. Miriam insisted Connor turn around when the two women changed Maddie’s shift. Truly, it was unnecessary since the damned thing hid nothing when wet, he thought. He respected the request, however, and turned. Once the task was complete, Connor turned around again and saw Maddie underneath a thin blanket. Esther began to apply a fresh ointment on her pulse points. It smelled minty.
“This smells like the salve Maddie used on Kiel,” Miriam said.
“Aye,” Esther nodded her head, smiling. “It’s made with almost the same herbs with only a slight difference. This will soothe away the burn of the fever.”
Once done applying it, Iain and Malcolm paid a visit. Connor didn’t leave Maddie’s side and it was Miriam who spoke to them. Katie and Kiel came in next.
The hour was growing late, and Esther turned to both Miriam and Connor.
“I will stay here. Go get a night’s rest.”
Connor shook his head.
“Nay. I’ll not leave her side.”
Miriam looked at Esther and shrugged.
“Connor, ‘tis nay proper. Ye know what this will imply.”
His eyes were steady. “I care not what others may say.”
“Ye arena the person I’m concerned about. They’ll either think ye have serious intentions towards Maddie, or they’ll think her with loose morals.”
“Then they shall become familiar with my fist.”
Miriam groaned. “Connor, at least go have a quick bath and eat. Esther shall stay here with Maddie until ye return. I willna take no for an answer.”
Connor looked up at his mother and down at Maddie. He nodded and together they left the room.
Connor quickly bathed and ate a small meal in his anteroom. His gaze roamed over to the letter she had written to her father and he reached for it. He opened it without remorse, and read the contents.
Maddie apologized to her father for the irresponsibility that led to her being abducted, and asked that he not to be too angry with her. She promised that when she returned, she would clean and work extra hard to make up for the mistake. She thanked him for always being patient with her and for showing her the way to salvation. She would do him and her mother proud, she vowed. She mentioned that Laird Connor Ramsay was being very gracious with her.
What was her secret? What was shackling her and worrying her to an early death?
Connor walked over to her room and took his place beside her. He asked Esther whether she woke up and she shook her head no, only saying that Lady Madeleine was mumbling.
“Call me if there is a change, Laird.”
Connor nodded and Esther left.
He looked down at her, picked up her right hand, and he kissed it. Maddie had come to mean much to him, and he didn’t want to lose her. He couldn’t lose her. He would go into the bowels of purgatory and rescue her, if that’s what it took. The same purgatory she had prayed to keep Connor away.
Why had it taken him so damn long to realize it? Why had he denied his feelings for her? He felt like a damn fool.
Connor spent all night with her. On the following day, his family stopped in, and even some children and their parents came by when they heard she was ill. He realized just then how much she meant to everyone.
Especially to him.
Miriam brought him food and though she insisted he go rest for a while, he declined. Connor simple refused to leave her side. He wasn’t reneging on his duties. His brothers were more than able to carry on for him in his absence.
That evening, she had a nightmare.
“Stop! Please!”
Connor looked up from what he was reading. Although she had been mumbling throughout her long sleep, her words were more coherent now. They also sounded fearful.
“Stop!”
Connor grimaced in confusion. What was she living through again? She had had a nightmare before when she had fallen asleep in the sitting room.
“Maddie. Wake up,” Connor urged.
She was obviously in the throes of a nightmare. Locked in it, was more like it.
“Maddie, wake up,” he said more forcefully.
Her eyes opened and her hands flew up to her face.
“Henry?” she asked, frightened. She was panting. “Please don’t,” she whispered.
“Maddie, ‘tis I, Connor,” he said soothingly.
The tension left her body. Her breath was shaky as she lunged into his arms. Forceful sobs escaped her. She was trembling. Connor straightened up, and still holding her in his arms, he got into bed. Her grip on him was surprisingly strong and she wouldn’t let go. Slowly, her sobs quieted.
“Oh no, what am I doing? I’m sorry!” she tried to get out of his arms but he wouldn’t let her.
“Nay, Maddie. Doona be sorry. Tell me what has ye so upset. Tell me about yer night terror.” He paused. “Tell me about this Henry,” he said, and noticed her shiver when he said the man’s name.
She struggled to get out of his grasp. “What are you doing here?”
“Ye had a fever, Maddie. Ye’ve been in a deep rest for almost two days now.”
“Ye’ve been here all along?”
“Aye. Now tell me what’s wrong.”
She felt warmness blossom within her until it chased the chill from her dream away. He had cared enough to stay with her. She remembered his question.
“‘Tis nay important, Connor. Self-pity. ‘Tis not a good thing.”
Connor’s heart broke for her. What had she lived through? His hold grew tighter around her. He wouldn’t let her mentally retreat away from him again.
“Please let me go,” she said shakily.
“No, Maddie. I am here with ye. I will listen. I’ll protect ye.”
Fresh tears welled in her eyes as she turned her golden gaze onto him. Doubt and longing were swimming in their depths. He touched his forehead to hers. She shook her head.
“Doona fight me, Maddie. Tell me what’s wrong. What had ye so scared?”
The act of them speaking thusly coupled with his gentle whisper lent an intimate feel to their shared connection. Maddie felt so good with him. She didn’t ever want to leave the safety of his arms.
“He did. H-henry,” she said sniffing.
“Who is this Henry?”
He felt every pump of his heart as he waited for her response. His breath sounded harsh to his own ears. It felt like an eternity before she spoke.
“He is a friend of my father’s.”
She rested her head back on his shoulder. Even though he was solid muscle, her head was never before so wonderfully pillowed. Maddie felt protected, and almost cherished. She relished his strength and power. It took everything in her not to ask him to hold her like this forever.
“What did he do, Maddie?”
She buried her head into his chest. The smell of him left her awestruck. Surely, this had to be bliss- being here with him, being held by him. Her heart was airborne, soaring above the clouds with strong emotions propelling her forward, towards him. She didn’t want to tell him, lest he think differently of her. She voiced her concern.
“Nay, Maddie. Noting ye could say would make me see ye differently. Nothing at all, sweeting.”
Her breath faltered. Her chest felt like it would seize from renewed terror.
“He came into my room once and wanted to, you know…” her quiet voice faded at the same rate his fury increased.
It felt like he had been struck in the stomach. He understood what she meant, but he needed to know more.
“Did he force himself on ye, Maddie?” His voice sounded hollow to his own ears. His fast pumping heart was deafening him.
Maddie shook her head.
“He tried. I yelled out for my father and brothers. I remember them opening the door to my chamber. They stood there in the candlelight looking at us and closed the door again.”
“They left ye there alone with that man?”
She nodded, bumping his head. Rage burned within him. He wanted badly to kill them with his hands at that moment.
“But I don’t blame them, Connor. I must save myself. It is the only way that I can save my mother and me.” Her voice was small and he hurt for her.
Connor was confused but he held on fast to his patience. It wasn’t that he was angry or annoyed at the lack of details. Nay, it was that he wanted to ask her a thousand questions, but he knew that probing too rapidly now could ruin her willingness to share with him. His hand slowly played with her hair. She sighed.
“Ye didna like this man?”
She furiously shook her head.
“He’s too old.”
How old could he be?
“How old, Maddie?”
“He’s a year older than my father.”
Fury exploded through Connor savagely like fire. He clenched his jaw and controlled his breathing for her sake.
The ingrate allowed that old man to have his way with his daughter!
“How did ye get him to stop, Maddie?”
“Ramsay. He attacked him when I yelled, and I started heaving violently, pretending I was about to hurl. Truly, it didn’t take much effort on my part since he was loathsome. He left the chamber. He ran, actually.”
Connor smiled at her cleverness. He sunk his face into her hair and inhaled her scent. It acted as a balm for the temper that threatened to overwhelm him. So that’s why she had a special liking for her hound and why she kept him at night.
“How did ye manage to keep him away?”
“I spoke to my father. I told him of my intent to go into a convent. That was the best solution for all, Connor.”
“What do ye mean?”
“No one had offered for me or showed interest. It was the best way that I could think of to save my mother and me.”
He would save that question for the end. He kept asking her little questions to keep her talking. His hand slowly drew random paths on her back.
“How old were ye, Maddie?”
“Fourteen.”
Connor closed his eyes. She must have been horribly frightened. She had been so young.
“What happened? What did he do?”
“I felt someone in my bed and cold lips on my neck. He was panting harshly, as if he’d exerted himself. He’s a big man. Around the middle, that is. Even after all these years, the memory still haunts me, Connor. He climbed on top of me and started to part my legs…” her voice faltered and fresh tears fell from her eyes. She dug her face into his chest.
“It’s all right, Maddie. I’m here. I willna let that happen again. No one will touch ye.” He paused, breathing in her scent. “I’ll protect ye.”
She moved her head closer to his neck.
“Thank you.”
It was barely audible but he’d heard it. He decided to broach the subject.
“Maddie, what do ye mean when ye say ye have to save ye and yer mother? I thought she died.”
She sounded so small and defeated.
“She did. She died birthing me, Connor. ‘Twas I who killed her.”
He ran his fingers through her soft hair.
“Nay, Maddie. Ye didna kill her. ‘Twas how the birth resulted, Maddie. Yer mother would have died a thousand deaths to bring ye into this world.”
“How do ye know? I’m not special.”
“Aye, ye are.” His inhale was shaky from the storm of emotions in him. “She would have loved ye, Maddie. As everyone does.”
“I was a mistake, Connor.” Her voice was unsteady.
“What do ye mean?”
“I wasn’t supposed to be conceived. My father told me. Because of my birth, a birth that was never supposed to happen, my mother died. Don’t you see? If I’m not good, she’ll be stuck in purgatory forever and I’ll join her. It is up to me to save us.”
He was beginning to understand.
“So ye think that by working yerself to death each day, it will allow both ye and yer mother to be welcomed into Heaven?”
“I don’t work myself to death, but aye. My father told me so. Service does good for the soul. I thank God for that, that there is a way to save us.”
Connor expelled his breath.
“That night, after our swim in the loch,” he felt her tense and looked down to see her blush. He continued. “I passed by yer door and heard ye praying for me. Why?”
“I self-indulged in you. ‘Twas my fault. Through my coercion and manipulation I made you kiss me. It was just like that night with Henry. ‘Twas my fault then as it was with you, due to all the evil I carry around me. My father told me. The only difference was that I cared where you went after death, Connor. I couldn’t allow you to suffer eternity in purgatory because I forced you to kiss me.”
He almost laughed but he didn’t, to spare her feelings. Her coercion? It made her sound like a seductive licentious wench.
Connor closed his eyes. The amount of guilt she lived with day in and day out was extreme. He knew that attacking her father wouldn’t get her to listen, so he tried a different approach. She had to see the truth.
“Maddie, my mother’s mother died when birthing her, yet my mother is healthy and happy. She doesna tire herself by cleaning as hard as ye do.”
“She is purely good, Connor. I am fundamentally evil.”
He spun her so that she was on her back and he was hovering over her. “Nay ye’re not, Maddie! Ye are all that is pure and good.”
Eye wide from the switch in positions, she shook her head.
“Yes! If ye were so evil, why would my family adore ye, Maddie? Why would children play with ye? Why would their parents let them? They came by to see ye. If ye were so evil, they’d see it. I’ll not allow ye to speak so ill of yerself,” he squeezed her. “Cleaning isna a way to show yer love. It isna a way to save yerself or yer mother, Maddie. Neither of ye were ever in jeopardy of going to purgatory. Yer mother is in Heaven looking down upon ye,” he kissed her head. “Ye are an incredible woman, Maddie. She would be proud of ye.”
She looked up at him with furled eyebrows. He kissed her nose and she smiled.
“If a mother dying while birthing her bairn is cause for both to be sent to purgatory, and their only means to escape that fate is by the bairn working hard, then no one would be an exception, correct? Yet my mother doesna work like ye at all and ye say she is saved. ‘Tis a contradiction, that is. ”
Maddie chewed on her lower lip as she looked away in thought. Connor knew it was hard to let go of beliefs you’d had your entire life, especially ones that were reinforced by the people who allegedly loved you. The logic of his argument wasn’t lost on her, though. He waited long minutes before she looked at him with amazement. Elation replaced worry, and her eyes grew vibrant again.
She was breathtaking.
“You’re right, Connor!” she said laughing. It was such a lighthearted giggle, that it made him feel ten years younger.
Maddie hugged him. “Thank you! It makes sense,” she said laughing. “You’re right!” She lunged up to hug him, but grew dizzy and held on to his forearms.
“Easy, Maddie. Lie back down here,” he said, his eyes studying her.
She was laughing and giddy. It was so refreshing to see her like this. He felt good having lifted the burden she’d carried all these years.
“Why would my family tell me different?”
He wanted to lie to her, to not shatter the illusion she had of her father and brothers, but he couldn’t. He wouldn’t feed the lie, but he wouldn’t destory it either.
“I doona know, Maddie.”
She yawned. “Why am I still tired?”
“Ye need yer rest. Yer fever was high.”
She sighed. He saw sleep working its magic over her. Her hold on him tightened, though.
“Please don’t leave my side, Connor. ‘Tis inappropriate to ask, but I feel better with you here.”
His heart skipped a beat. “It would take a legion of men to drag me away.”
Maddie smiled. Her heart beat faster in her chest. His words made her feel that good.
Connor thought she was asleep, until she spoke again.
“How fitting that you and my pet are called Ramsay,” she said sleepily.
“Why do ye say that,” he asked blandly.
His tone made her giggle. He couldn’t help smiling in response.
“Both Ramsays saved me.”
Connor stayed awake for a time after she fell asleep. He recognized the irony in the situation. He cursed her father and that lecherous old man, but the truth was, it had been his plan to use Maddie for his own ends, too.
Even though he felt good holding her in his arms, he couldn’t help the disgust he felt for himself. Not only was he was a bloody idiot, he was a hypocrite, too.