Chapter 29

Dallas

I love you.

I felt as if I was suddenly falling from a great height, my stomach felt hollow and emotion churned like a storm inside of me. I stared at Audrey’s text. I was alone in my apartment at a few minutes past four in the morning. My heart was pounding so hard and fast, you’d think I’d just run a race. I generally considered myself prepared. Yet, I wasn’t prepared for this. My thumbs hovered over the screen as I contemplated how to respond. I'd had a vague idea that I would tell her I missed her, and she’d stop shutting me out. I hadn’t thought beyond that. Perhaps I could go see her in New York on the weekends. My reaction against love wasn't about Audrey per se. It was about how I knew everything could blow up and scatter.

My mother had been the glue that held our family together. In hindsight, she was probably the only person who kept our father from being stupid sooner. Her stroke had sent all of us spinning sideways, and I still grieved her loss. My father, whom I had once admired despite his distant way of parenting, had disappointed me so painfully and betrayed so many people. Letting yourself love someone meant setting yourself up for loss. Audrey should know that after what Matthew did. Even though it sounded like she hadn't quite loved him, she'd given him her trust.

It wasn't that I didn't trust Audrey. I trusted her completely. It was just…

Fuck. I must've waited too long before replying. My phone vibrated in my hand again, and I looked back down at the screen.

Okay, I went too far there. I don't expect you to want what I want, or to feel the way I feel. I just needed to let you know how I felt. We can go back to the way things were and see each other once in a blue moon. I won't be a cliché.

What the hell did she mean?

Cliché?

Her response to my single word question was swift.

Hoping and waiting for something that's never going happen. I shouldn't compromise just for the sake of compromise. I'll wait and the right person will come along, but I won’t be that cliché person who waits for someone only to wait alone forever. I’d say have a good night but morning is already here.

Even though I couldn't see Audrey, I could feel the sadness in her.

I won't be here for Christmas. I'm turning my phone off now.

Wait.

She never replied to my last request, and I never fell back asleep.

***

Several days later, I was back at the office when Cole came around the corner into my office. “Hey cranky,” he said by way of greeting.

I glanced up and rolled my eyes. “What can I do for you?”

“The New York team helping on that messy finance case wants to have a conference call this morning. You got time?” he asked.

I glanced at the clock above the door behind him. “I've got another meeting in an hour, so now would be better. Can you make that work?” At his nod I continued, “Where? My office or yours?”

Cole glanced around my office and shrugged. “Can I start some coffee?”

At my nod, he stepped to the small table in the corner and started a fresh pot. He tapped the button and spun around to slide into the chair across from me.

“You look like hell,” he said conversationally.

“You don't say?” I asked.

“I do,” he replied with a chuckle. “You’ve looked like hell for a full week now. When are you due back in Haven’s Bay?”

“Day after tomorrow.”

I batted away my near constant thoughts of Audrey. I’d been seriously considering telling Thea I needed to cancel my part in her plans for Christmas, but I knew she’d be disappointed. This would be the first Christmas all of us had spent together since the year after my father went to jail.

Cole promptly zeroed on the very topic I preferred not to discuss. “What's new with Audrey?”

“Nothing. Why do you ask?”

I managed to keep my tone level, but the second he mentioned Audrey’s name, I was irritated. I didn’t need anyone pushing me on this. I’d screwed up, and I just needed a little more time to return to my baseline.

Cole shrugged. “Oh, maybe the fact you've been more of an asshole for the last few days. Kinda made me wonder if something was up.”

An angry weariness hit me. I missed Audrey like crazy, and I was pissed off about it. It had been radio silence from her. My last response to her, an entire single word asking her to wait, had been met with complete silence. The following morning I’d texted her again.

Can we try this again?

Still nothing.

At my silence, Cole angled his head to the side. “You know, you could ask for advice if you ever wanted it. I know that's not really your thing, but there are some areas where you're not the expert.”

I shifted my shoulders and rolled my head in a circle, trying to ease the tension in my neck. I'd been beating back a headache for what felt like days at this point. Ibuprofen was doing nothing more than keeping the edge off of it.

“What the hell do you mean?” I finally asked.

“All I have to do is say Audrey's name, and you look at me like you're ready to punch me. You don’t have much of a temper, so I figure it's a sore spot. What gives?”

Fuck it. I quickly summarized my last text conversation with Audrey.

After I finished, Cole stared at me, his mouth hanging slightly open. The coffee maker beeped.

“Hang on. I need coffee for this,” he said. He stood and poured a cup, looking in my direction. “Want some?”

At my nod, he stepped to my desk and set the cup down quickly before returning to pour another cup for himself. Once he was seated, he took a long swallow and then met my eyes.

“Okay, let me get this straight. She told you she loved you and some other stuff, and you said ‘wait.’ Do I have that right?” he asked.

I sighed. “Yeah, that about sums it up.”

“If I'm getting this right, you want to have some kind of something with her, but you're not sure what it is,” Cole added. He leaned back with a sigh, shaking his head slowly. “Man, you're an idiot. Here's the thing, if she loves you and she wants more and you don't, then you need to leave her the hell alone. That's it. It's the only fair thing to do. Is that what you want?”

I fucking hated his questions. I took a gulp of coffee and eyed him. “Well, I know I want to see her.”

“Yeah, but she loves you. So, if there's not even a chance of more than being fuck buddies, you can't see her. It’s not cool.”

Cole actually looked pissed off.

“Man, I'm not trying to be an asshole,” I muttered.

“Oh I didn't say you were being an asshole. You will be an asshole if you try to take things further and you know you don't want more. That's all I'm saying.”

Emotion rocked me. Fear mingled with longing. I was afraid to lose this chance with Audrey, and I was furious with myself over the whole mess. I did not enjoy feeling out of control of my emotions.

“You want my opinion?” he asked.

I stared back at him and finally shrugged. “Sure. What's your opinion?”

“I think you're stalling because you want more, and you don't know what the hell to do about it. I've been married to Shelly for three years now, and we were together for three years before that. It's not always easy. I'm not saying that I ever wonder whether I love her because I don't. But life is messy. Some days I'm in a bad mood, and some days she is too. Throw two little kids in the mix, and it gets even more challenging. That's what commitment’s about. You deal with whatever comes your way. The easy stuff is a piece of cake. Great sex, fun dinners, days when nobody's tired—those are the good days. It's sticking it out when it's not so easy that matters.”

I stared at him, my gut churning. I finally nodded tightly. “Fair enough. Why do you think I want more?”

“Because if you didn't, you would've let her go already. I'm joking around about it because I can deal with it, but you are seriously being a jerk around the office. You’re cranky, and you're on edge all the damn time. I'd say you just need a good lay, but I don't think that's gonna cut it.”

I let out a sharp laugh, startled when it came out. “That bad, huh?”

“Well, I mentioned it a week ago. Hasn't gotten any better. I think you need to decide what you want to do. Either you let her go, and I mean really let her go, or you stop being so damn scared about facing this.”

I took another gulp of coffee and nodded slowly. “I appreciate your opinion,” I finally said.

Cole chuckled. “Anytime, man. Now let's make that call.”