Chapter 28

Dallas

I glanced at the clock above my office door. It was close to midnight, perhaps a little later than usual, but not insane for me to be at work at this hour. I stood to pour another cup of coffee and returned to my desk. Spinning my phone around, I stared at it for a moment. Checking my phone had become an annoying habit over the last few days. For probably the thousandth time, I pulled up Audrey's name in my contacts. She hadn't responded to any of my messages or texts. I was beginning to wonder if she’d actually blocked my number. My fingers moved of their own accord. I quickly typed out a text. This one different from all the others I’d sent so far.

I miss you. I wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye. I don't suppose there's any chance we could talk?

My thumbs hovered over the screen as I considered what else to say. Coming up blank, I hit send and then set the phone down. Cole had been on me, pointing out yesterday that I was still a cranky asshole. His words, not mine, although I couldn’t disagree. It had been a full week since I’d departed Haven’s Bay. Christmas was a week away.

I’d have thought by now I would've gotten past the ache in my heart. I wasn't sleeping well. At all. I missed having Audrey beside me. It was incredible how quickly I’d gotten used to sleeping beside her. It wasn’t just the sex I missed. If anything, I missed her simple presence the most. I’d been accustomed to sleeping alone all the time for years. In fact, when I did date, I went out of my way to avoid letting things get too intimate. Yet, inside the span of a few nights of sleeping with Audrey, I didn't like sleeping without her warm, lush body beside me. At all.

Working until midnight had become a habit this past week, if anything because I didn't want to go home to my quiet, empty apartment. I spun away and clicked onto my computer screen again, opening up a report from a team in our New York Office. They were handling one arm of a massive financial investigation. My vision was bleary, and I clicked away quickly because I was too tired to process any information. Instantly, I was staring at my phone again as if willing Audrey to reply.

Dude, it's midnight. She's probably asleep.

Logically, I knew that was probably the case, but I didn't want it to be. I wanted her to miss me as much as I missed her.

If that's what you wanted, maybe you shouldn't have left the way you did.

Oh, shut up.

Aside from my own internal arguments, I'd replayed my conversations with Russ, then Thea and then Cole repeatedly, trying to sort out what it all meant. There'd been a damn good reason I put up boundaries between Audrey and me years ago. I'd wanted her too much, and she was too young. She deserved somebody other than a man like me.

Yeah. Look how that worked out. She ended up with Matthew, the fucking asshole who screwed her friend.

I gave my head a shake, snagged my phone off my desk and my jacket off my chair, and left. I needed to attempt to get some sleep. I drove through the cold, still night down Boston's narrow streets to my townhouse in Charlestown. I lived in a nice part of Boston near the Charles River in a townhouse, and I hardly ever spent time here. I let myself in, dropped my keys on the table by the door, and flipped on the light, scanning the quiet space. Once upon a time, as recent as a month ago and before a few weeks of Audrey had made me lose my mind, I used to enjoy coming home to nothing more than peace and quiet. Every so often, I might grab dinner with a date who had no expectations. Aside from a few friends at work, that was the extent of my social life.

I fell asleep into a restless sleep. Sometime in the wee hours of the morning, I woke to the sound of my phone buzzing. I rolled over in the darkness, snagging it off the nightstand and expecting to see a call from somebody at the office. The clock on my phone read 4:00 AM. Audrey’s name flashed on the screen.

I sat up abruptly, propping myself on the pillows against the headboard. Giving my head a shake to nudge me out of sleep, I swiped the text to open it.

I'm sorry you didn't have a chance to say goodbye either. We can talk if you'd like.

Even though it was just a text and there was no real way to know how she felt, her reply felt dry and controlled. There was that side of her and then the fiery, feisty side.

I wanted more, so much more. It was strangely gratifying to realize she was up at this hour texting me. I wished I were in Haven’s Bay, so I could wake up beside her. For a moment, I considered what to say.

I didn't particularly care to keep pretending though, so I stopped trying to plan my response and simply typed what I felt.

I meant what I said. I miss you.

The little dots appeared, indicating she was replying. My heart twisted in my chest, and emotion lashed at me. This was an unfamiliar place for me. After a moment that felt like forever, her reply came through.

I miss you too.

What are you doing?

:-) Sitting in my bed, having trouble sleeping. What are you doing?

I chuckled to myself.

Same thing. I miss sleeping beside you.

After my last comment, I didn’t see the dots appear, and I wondered if she was going to reply. After another minute or so, they appeared and my heart eased slightly.

I'm not sure what you're doing. You said we could only have sex. It was probably stupid of me, but I accepted that limit. You’re confusing me now.

I stared at her text. Fuck. I leaned my head back and stared at the ceiling. She had every right to point that out. I had set some clear limits. Unless I knew what I wanted, I needed to be careful. I looked back down at the phone and decided maybe I should just be honest about how mixed up I was.

The only reason I pushed you away five years ago was because I thought you should have a chance to see what you wanted first. My life isn't simple. I respect the hell out of your father. He's the next closest thing I have to a father after everything that my dad did. I don't know if this is making any sense, but I was trying to respect him and you.

Another long pause with my heart in my throat and my gut churning while I waited for her reply. I wondered if she was going to ignore what I said. The little dots appeared and went on for a bit. I considered myself a patient man, but it was fucking hard to wait.

Oh. All this time I didn't understand how you felt back then. Would've been nice if you’d told me sooner. Thea told me I should tell you how I feel so here goes. Five years ago, I had a crazy crush on you, like the worst kind. I thought you thought I was ridiculous after what I did. I never stopped wanting you, but I set out to find somebody else because I thought that's what I needed to do. You saw how well that went. It’s not just sex for me. It never was. I love you.