I stretch my neck to the left and right and feel the ache in every muscle. It’s been two days and I’ve not left Ruby except for the necessary toilet breaks. I grab a coffee on the way back from my mid-morning call of nature to find Joel staring at Ruby from the end of her bed, a loose piece of paper in his hand.
“Any change?” I sidle up and soak in some of the comfort his nearness affords. He’s left me only for a few hours to go home, shower, change, and return with an overnight bag for me and him. Harper and Cameron have been camped in the relatives’ lounge the entire time, and I have had so many unanswered messages on my phone’ I’ve had to give it to Harper to field the concern. I don’t want to ignore the kindness, but I just can’t focus on anything except Ruby. I’m a barely functioning zombie, and I won’t wake up until she does.
“You tell me.” He turns and steps away from me. Coolness and confusion clouds his eyes’ and his jaw is tense.
“Joel? Are you all right?”
“If I said I wasn’t, it would be a massive understatement.”
“What’s wrong?” I rush to Ruby’s side. I don’t get the chance to check her IVs and take in the most recent information on the machines beside her bed. Joel grabs my elbow and steers me into the corridor.
“Walk with me.” His grip is firm, and I have to run to keep up with his scarily determined strides.
“Joel, you’re scaring me. Is Ruby all right?” I pull and struggle to free myself. He crashes us through the fire doors to the stairwell. The cold stale air halts my footing. His statement, however, floors me.
“Ruby’s mine.” He levels an accusatory glower that makes me reel for a moment until what he’s said actually sinks in.
“What the fuck? What do you mean: She’s yours? She’s not yours.” I almost laugh at the preposterous claim, only I’m too angry, and this isn’t remotely funny.
“But that’s where you’re wrong.” He calmly holds up the loose paper that I recognise. The results are filled in and it takes a whole moment to sink in what he’s done.
“What? How? I don’t understand? You did a paternity test on my daughter? What the actual fuck!” My mind is racing with a million questions.
“I requested a donor test, and I’m a match, not just a match, I’m her perfect fucking match, Regan. Do you mind telling me what the hell is going on? Did you know?”
“Did I know what? That you fucked my sister? No I didn’t fucking know—”
“Did you know I was her father?” His tone, stern and still, has an accusatory edge that would have my hackles rising if they weren’t already on end and stretched taut.
“Does this look like the face of someone who knew her boyfriend fucked her sister?” I yell.
“I never fucked your sister,” he claims with absolute seriousness. I laugh out, then check myself, again, this is not so funny.
“And you realise how ridiculous that sounds right? Oh, wait, maybe it was an immaculate conception. After all, you did always fancy yourself as God.” I scoff. “I can’t believe this… Wait!” I rush at him, fisting handfuls of his sweater and roughly pulling him to me, a surge of utter joy exploding like fireworks in my veins. “Oh, my god! So you can give Ruby the marrow?”
“No.” His response is brutally brief and shocking. My hands fly off of him like they have been burnt by the flames of hell.
“No? What do you mean, no? You said you were a perfect match.” I shake my head, desperation cracking at my voice and wobbling the words as they leave my mouth.
“I am, but I also don’t qualify.” He closes his eyes, hurt and disappointment evident in the slump of his shoulders and sadness in his tone. I can see the tortured pain is real, yet I’m filled with fresh fury that rips from me and attacks him.
“Oh, yes, that’s right, you wouldn’t qualify because of your deviant and depraved sexual history.” I recall my knowledge of transfusion exemptions and spew my accusation with vitriol that leaves a bad taste. I regret the instant I hear them in my ears.
“If you call fucking you deviant, then yes.” He retaliates and I’m struck dumb as he recites one of the biggest no-no’s on the list of ineligible criteria for donor candidates. “Unprotected sex with a person with a hepatitis in their history does disqualify me.”
“No! No, no, no, no!” I start shaking my head as soon as he starts to speak. I know this list by heart, and he’s right. I crumple to my knees, my hands tearing through my hair and gripping large chunks in despair. I can’t believe this. I look up to a god that can’t possibly exist. I’m utterly broken. Sobs wrack my body, and heartbroken cries echo off the walls, deafening us both. Endless agonising minutes pass, and I’m vaguely aware that Joel has crouched beside me, his heavy arm rests across my shoulders. My head drops to my knees, and I voice my very worst nightmare to the eerie silence that has settled between us. “My daughter might not live because of me.”
“I’m sorry, Reggie.” His softly genuine voice is like a high voltage shock from the national grid, and I leap to my feet. Turning, I face him as an ungodly storm of hurt, betrayal, and unbelievable rage vies for dominance inside me.
“Don’t you fucking Reggie me,” I grit out through clenched teeth.
“She’s my daughter too.” He reaches for me, and I step back. My finger points for him to stay where he is. He heeds the warning and even steps back for good measure. A wise move.
“No! No she isn’t yours. Fucking my sister does not make you a father. It just makes you a complete fucking asshole.”
“I will say it again: I never fucked your sister,” he states, and, as ridiculous as it sounds, I actually believe he believes that. It doesn’t matter; nothing matters now.
“Don’t come near me.” I curse the tears glazing my vision and scream when he touches me. His hand curls briefly on my arm, and I yank it from his hold and fire everything I have left at him.
“You don’t get to touch me, ever! Stay away from me, and stay away from Ruby.”
“You’re hurt; I get that, but don’t do this, Regan. Trust me, you don’t want to do this.”
“It’s done.” I couldn’t feel anymore numb. My cold response sends a chill the length of my spine. I reach for the door and push through without a backward glance.
It’s done.