“She’s in remission. Hang on a sec.” I wedge the phone to my ear with my shoulder, as I zip up the back of Ruby’s onesie pyjamas. She races from me as soon as she feels it close completely at the top, making the most of the remaining minutes before bedtime. I pull my knees to my chin and snuggle back in the sofa, enjoying this normalcy for what it is: precious.
“How is she doing?” Harper asks.
“Honestly, looking at her tearing around the living room, you’d think I was making this up.” My wide smile falters with the burden of truth.
“If only.”
“Yeah, if only.”
“I can’t believe they let you take her home.” Harper’s bright tone swiftly keeps the mood of the conversation as optimistic as possible.
“It’s a waiting game now, and she would rather wait at home. It helps that her mother’s a nurse.”
“And that her father’s a doctor.”
“Yes, that helps too.”
“Is he still there?”
“No, I sent him home. They were ganging up on me, bedtime is bedtime, and Joel seems to think that’s a fluid arrangement, totally negotiable.”
“Trying for Brownie points.”
“Oh, he doesn’t need those. Ruby adores him. I haven’t seen her like this with anyone, not even Cam.”
“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.” Cameron’s disgruntled voice chips in like a surprise echo.
“He’s there with you? Shit, sorry, Cam.”
“Yeah, yeah, tell it to my broken heart. You Jones women are all the same.”
“Go and fetch me some wine, Cam. Let me finish my conversation in private.” I can hear the tussle of Harper no doubt pushing a reluctant, lazy Cameron to his feet.
“We have no secrets, my queen,” Cameron calls out, clear and faint at the same time.
“Queen, hmm? Something you need to tell me, Harper?” I’m intrigued enough to tease.
“He’s just messing.” Her dismissive tone falls on deaf ears.
“Has he moved in with you without you telling me?”
“You have enough going on without Cameron’s drama.”
“True, but also not. I’m still here for you guys; you know that, right? Besides, the drama might be a distraction from the crisis that is my life right now.” I’m only partially joking. Any distraction from the constant fear that courses through me is a welcome reprieve.
“He’s staying with me for a bit, sleeping on the couch.” She adds with unnecessary emphasis. They are perfect for each other, but it’s still none of my business. “Just until I can get his crazy ex out of his apartment. It’s nothing I can’t handle and nothing that needs your help.”
“You sure?” You’re not just saying that?”
“Regan, come on now, you have enough going on. Just pencil us in for an evening next week. I know that would make Cameron happy.”
“Absolutely! I’d like that, anything that is remotely normal is just what I need.”
“And there’s nothing more normal than your best friends getting shit-faced on wine at your place.”
“Exactly.” I smile at the thought of a night in with friends and only realise that I’ve gone a little too quiet when Harper softly asks.
“How are you doing? Really?”
“I’m okay.” It’s an impossible question to answer, and I’m glad when Harper doesn’t push for more. I feel like I’m made of tissue paper, walking a precipice in hurricane winds, and I have no idea how I keep myself from falling in shreds.
“Reggie, I know it’s probably a no, but if you ever need me to watch Ruby to give you a break, let me know?”
“Thanks, Harper, but I said I would let Joel take her if I needed a break. Honestly, I don’t want to let her out of my sight, but I know that’s not good for either of us. I’ve actually decided to let her stay with him, maybe next weekend. I don’t know, but soon, I think.”
“What don’t you know? I thought Ruby liked him?”
“Ruby loves him, it’s just…” I drift, unable to justify my reservation even to myself. She’d love to stay over, and he’s great with her. I know in my heart, from this last week alone, that I have no genuine concern with Joel taking care of Ruby.
“You could always take him up on his offer and move in with him, or are you afraid?”
“Afraid?”
“Afraid it’s not only Ruby that’s in love with Joel.”
“I don’t love Joel,” I snort with a flat laugh.
“Of course.”
“If I love him at all, it’s as a friend.” I correct myself since her tone is thick with scepticism.
“Of course.”
“Fuck off, Harper. I have to go; someone’s at the door.”
“Coward,”
“Pot-kettle, my queen. And really, there’s someone at the door.” I counter her comment with my own passive-aggressive observation. “Sorry, got to go.”
“Love you, bye.”
“Love you too.” I end the call and leap to my feet, Ruby is already reaching on her tiptoes to unhook the chain.
“You know you’re not to open the door, Ruby, what are you doing?” My stern voice freezes her hand on the chain before she snatches it back and spins to face me.
“Is it Joel?” She bounces with excitement, all the while, wide-eyed with worry that I’m about to tell her off. I am, sort of.
“That’s the point of the chain, Ruby. I don’t know who it is, and we don’t open the door to strangers.” My tone is enough to make her little shoulders drop.
“Sorry, Momma.” It’s no wonder Joel is putty in her hands, and I’d happily challenge Super Nanny to remain unaffected by those large blue eyes and wobbly bottom lip.
“Forgiven.” I ruffle her hair and wrinkle my nose playfully. Slipping my hands under her armpits, I lift her up to balance on my hip while I make a show of checking the spy hole and then open the door.
“Trinity?” My voice mirrors the shock on my face. Joel’s sister’s slender frame fills my doorway. Dark jeans hug her impossibly log legs, and the large college sweater hangs almost to her knees, yet fails to hide her curves. She has her mass of blonde hair scraped away from her face and held at bay by dark sunglasses. Her lightly tanned skin is flawless without a scrap of make-up, and if she didn’t look so worried, she would be quite stunning.
“Regan, may I come in?” She hesitates when she notices Ruby. Her tentative smile vanishes, and she looks instantly paler than only a second ago. Her large blue eyes fix on the little girl on my hip for a moment before she looks back at me.
“Sure. Is Joel all right?”
“Joel is fine. He doesn’t know I’m here.”
“Momma, who’s this?” Ruby rests her head on my shoulder, tiredness already taking its toll despite the intrigue of the stranger at the door.
“This is Trinity, Joel’s sister.”
“Hello, Ruby. Joel has told me all about you.” Trinity gives a little wave.
“Hello.” Ruby wriggles to free herself, and I let her down. She returns the wave with a full arm wiggle and then dashes down the corridor to her room.
“Sorry, she has the attention span of a goldfish.”
“That’s all right. She looks like you.”
“That she does, but I see Joel in her now too.” I let the warm spread of something I’m stubbornly refusing to acknowledge saturate my insides, and I let out a happy breath.
“Yes, I suppose. Um, maybe this isn’t the right time.” Trinity pulls the strap of her bag back to the top of her shoulder and starts to step back.
“No, it’s fine, Ruby is just going to bed. If you can give us twenty minutes for story time or—”
“Oh, yes, that would work. Thank you.” She steps inside, and closes the door behind her. She follows me to the kitchen.
“Would you like some tea?”
“Tea?” Her faces scrunches with confusion. It wasn’t a trick question, still it does tend to throw coffee drinkers into a tail-spin.
“It’s a throwback from my British heritage, in times of crisis, everything is better with a cuppa, or so my mum used to say. Not sure this is a crisis, but you are definitely giving off that vibe.”
“Tea might be a good start, although I may need something stronger.” She crosses her arms around her waist, biting down on her lip like she’s already said too much.
“Momma!” Ruby calls from her room.
“Are you all right?” I ask, even though it’s clear from the nervous look on her face that she isn’t.
“I will be, please don’t let me keep you.”
“I’ll be as quick as I can.” I forgo making the tea and decide I’ll crack open the wine as soon as I’m finished with story time. I have no idea why she’s here but I get the feeling this is definitely a wine situation.
“Chardonnay okay? It’s the only thing that’s cold. I have some Barolo but I don’t really drink red, it gives me the most horrendous headache.” I wave the chilled white and place two glasses on the coffee table. Trinity is perched on the edge of the one armchair, and I take my seat opposite on the sofa. She pinches out a tight smile as tension rolls off her in sizeable waves and seems to continue to crash around us both.
“I was only partially joking about needing something stronger. I was perfectly happy with a cup of tea,” she offers, nervously laughing and clenching her jaw at the same time.
“Any excuse for a glass of wine, really. I think the milk’s on the turn, so—” I uncork the wine and pour both glasses to almost brimming. I suddenly feel like I need this as much as she seems to.
“Wine it is, then, thank you.” She takes the glass and sips while I kick my slippers to the floor and make myself comfortable. She goes to place her glass on the coffee table and changes her mind, her fingers gripping to the point of white knuckles.
“Are you okay, Trinity?”
“I don’t know, sorry. You must be wondering why I’m even here?”
“A little intrigued, not gonna’ lie about that one. I take it, it’s something to do with Joel?”
“Sort of.”
“I’d say nothing is going to shock me about him, but I happen to know that’s a sweeping statement he would just love to challenge.” I’m not entirely joking with the first part of my comment. “Unless you’re going to tell me he’s married or something?” I snort at my ridiculous notion and only when I look up at her glassy eyes does my stomach drop and bile quickly fills my mouth.
“That’s it, isn’t it? He’s fucking married!” I growl, furious, and yet still whispering the curse words in case Ruby is still awake. “I can’t believe this! I’m going to rip his perfect bollocks off when I—”
“He’s not married.” Her quick, assertive interruption is timely, as I’m about to explode. She waves me down from the launchpad and tries to explain what the hell she’s doing here. “I mean I know he wants… Look, you’ve got the wrong idea. Joel isn’t married. Really, this isn’t about him. This is about me.”
“What about you?”
“You have to move in with Joel. He’s completely child-proofed his apartment, and his office is now a wonderful little girl’s bedroom.” She stares at me as if she hasn’t just said something hilarious.
“Excuse me?” Wine spills from my lips with a burst of humour and a flat laugh.
“Joel told me last night that he thought you were going to let Ruby stay there with him at his mother’s house with my father, is that true?”
“Yes, I mean probably. I was thinking about it, yes.”
“You can’t let that happen.”
“Why?” I clip my response because she sounded very much like she was giving me an order.
“All I’m saying is, if the alternative is staying at his mother’s house, with my father, then you have to move in with Joel. He has a nice apartment and he lov—” I hold up my hand, not interested in what Joel loves. This is unbelievable.
“That’s not all you’re saying.” I pause, and she tightens her lips. “Fine, don’t tell me, but I’m not moving in with Joel because you don’t get on with your father.”
“What?” She jolts, and panic in her eyes softens to sadness when I explain.
“Joel said you never got on with your father, but that’s not my problem. Joel wants to have Ruby stay with him and—”
“He raped me.” She rushes the words so quickly, only the dreadful silence and agony in her face makes me realise I did actually hear what she said. I place my glass down and sit forward, waiting for some explanation. She’s here for a reason.
“My father raped me when I was twelve, but I wasn’t much older than Ruby when he started touching me,” she states, and the icy tone of her delivery sends a chill through my veins that makes me shudder.
“Oh, god, Trinity. Does Joel know this?”
“No one knows this, and no one is ever to know.”
“Trinity, you have to tell Joel. You have to tell someone.” I don’t know her well enough to reach out and hug her like I want to, so I ease myself on to my knees and crawl to sit beside her. I offer my hand, and she takes it, her other arm wrapped tight around her waist. Her crystal blue eyes sparkle with fat tears that roll slowly down her cheek.
“Why? So they can look at me the way you are right now?” She sniffs, and her lips pull into a resigned grimace as physical pain distorts her pretty face. “And what do you think Joel will do, hmm? He’d kill that motherfucker and end up in jail. My father isn’t worth it.”
“But—”
“There’s no but here, Regan. This isn’t your story to tell; it’s mine, and I’m only telling it now because there’s another little girl in real danger.” She takes a handkerchief from her pocket and gracefully dries her eyes. She sucks in a breath and looks at me expectantly.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“And that’s why I keep this between me and my therapist. I don’t expect you to understand; that is the burden of a victim. No one really understand unless…” She shakes her head and sucks back whatever tortured memory is bubbling inside. “Look, everyone copes in their own way, and this is mine.”
“I get it. I’m sorry, Trinity. I didn’t mean—”
“I don’t want your pity, Regan, and I don’t want your judgment.” She steadies herself and forces a smile that looks like it’s taking all her effort. “I want you to respect my decision, and I want you to believe me.”
“I do.”