I feel his heat and comfort like a warm blanket that cloaks and cossets. His arms rest on either side of me, gripping the sides of my chair. As safe as I always felt in his embrace, I can’t let myself be seduced by his nearness. He tips my chin up and wipes the tears from my cheeks, and his thumb traces a tear to the corner of my mouth and I suck in a shock of surprise when his lips tenderly cover mine.
“Regan, please, we don’t have to do this.” His forehead rests on mine, and hope fills the words that brush with the warm breath across my damp skin.
“I can’t believe you told your lawyer that.” I’ve lost any of the fierceness in my hurt-filled accusation.
“I can’t believe you let Harper take a picture of your bruises.” He dips his head to keep the eye contact.
“I didn’t. I didn’t know she took them.”
“Neither did I. I mean, I didn’t tell Alison, not directly, and not the way she interpreted.” His large hand sweeps my face as the tears won’t seem to stop. He looks deep into me, and I know he’s telling the truth. He may be a lot of things, but he really isn’t a liar. “I was on the phone talking to my sister. I needed some advice, and Trinity has become a really good source of what’s real and important recently. Anyway, I was telling her about Ruby and you, and that you’re an amazing mom, and I was questioning my right to interfere.” He falters and pain etches his handsome features so much, I find myself returning his touch. I press my hand to the side of his face, and he leans against my palm, stubble scratching the skin for a moment before he lifts his head and continues. “I just want to get to know that amazing little girl, Regan. I want to be her father because I’m never going to get that chance, otherwise. She’s my daughter too.”
“And telling your sister how I fucked up, how did that come up exactly?”
“I asked Trinity if I was doing the right thing, and that surely it’s better to have two parents. She actually disagreed, and that’s when I told her what you told me. I never judged, Regan. You can ask her. If anything, I told her in the context of how incredible I thought you were to raise Ruby on your own, as your own.”
“I’m not on my own; I have friends, Joel.”
“Who have their own lives. I’m not disparaging their support, really I’m not, but you know it’s different. Ruby isn’t their priority, and that isn’t true for us, is it?”
“I think it’s a little premature to be wielding the ‘us’ badge, don’t you think?”
“I have to prove myself. I know that, and I will. I promise. That’s all I want, Regan, a chance to prove myself.”
“And to discredit me as a mother, don’t forget that bit.” I can’t help myself; the slice across my chest is raw and raging.
“I never meant for it to be used against you. I was working with Alison when I took the call from Trinity, and she overheard. She told me I needed to use it, and I said no. Simple. She should never have said anything, however cryptic.”
“She told Harper.”
“What?”
“She told Harper this morning, said that you weren’t going to use it now, but if I pushed for court, it would all come out.”
“That’s bullshit. I told her I wouldn’t use it, period. She’ll be lucky to keep her license after that little stunt.” He curses under his breath, and I know he means every word. I almost feel sorry for her. Yeah, maybe not.
“And the bruises?” he asks, a deep frown troubling his brow.
“Same sort of thing, Harper took photos I didn’t even know existed until this morning. I told her hell, no. What we do…what we did was consensual and I’d never—” I shake my head as he interrupts.
“I know, but I wouldn’t blame you.” He quirks his lip with a half-hearted attempt at a smile filled with resignation and sadness. “I’m not trying to take her from you Regan, I just want to be a part of her life.”
“I know, and I’m just scared shitless. I can’t lose her, Joel, and I’m terrified of letting you back in, because I won’t survive you when you change your mind and decide fatherhood isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.” I confess in a rush of truth that shocks me as much as it does him.
“I give you my word, Regan, that won’t happen.”
“And you are a man of your word.” I exhale.
“I am.”
“So what now?” I roughly dry the last of my tears that seem to have stopped falling.
“I actually had an idea.”
“Of course you do.”
“We can do the joint custody thing if that suits. I’ll have Ruby every other weekend and she can stay with me at my mother’s or…” He leaves the option dangling like a juicy fruit I have to bite.
“Or?”
“I childproof my apartment, and you move in with me. You and Ruby.” He grins wide and wicked at his genius plan, and I snort with a laugh at his joke.
“You’re funny. Oh, wait…you’re serious?” My humour flatlines with the sternness of Joel’s expression.
“Perfectly serious.”
“Oh, Joel, I don’t think that’s going to work.” I back off with a slight shake of my head and a nervous laugh.
“Just think about it,” My phone starts to vibrate in my back pocket at the same time Joel’s mobile sparks to life. The number of the Peds floor flashes across my screen, and my heart stops. Ruby! Too terrified to press the button, I freeze with my phone jumping unanswered in my hand. Joel takes the device and ends the call; his eyes meet mine. He checks his cell phone and smiles.
“She’s awake.” Joel jump-starts my heart, and I explode in a burst of pure joy and a fresh flood of tears as I throw my arms around his neck, and I let him pull me flush to his firm body. I wrap myself around him like a vine and relish the strength of his hold. I love that we are already heading for the door. Long strides carry us away from this drama and to our little girl.
I call over Joel’s shoulder as he eats up the distance along the corridor to the stairwell. Harper’s face is a picture of confusion.
“She’s awake! Our baby’s awake!”
“Woohoo!” She dashes to catch up, skidding as she reaches the door. “Is she okay?”
“Let’s go and find out, together.”
I rush out as soon as the elevator doors open and pause only for a second so as not to frighten Ruby as I come crashing through her door. Joel and Harper are hot on my heels, and I swear I don’t draw a breath until I fix my eyes in her, sitting upright and smiling weakly at the nurse taking her temperature.
“Hey, baby girl.” My hands fumble to touch every part of her. Her cheeks are impossibly soft, and I sweep her unruly locks from her forehead and run my fingers lightly the length of her arms until I can hold her hand and calm my erratic heartbeat.
“Momma, I’m itchy.” She reaches for the cannula in the back of her left hand but actually starts to scratch all over her body.
“I know sweetie. I’ll give you a bath and that will help.”
“Is it the sleepy dust?” She rubs her eyes and then carries on rubbing at random spaces all over herself.
“Could be,” I’m not concerned, some of the drugs she has been given have side effects, and itchy skin is not uncommon after waking from a long sleep.
“I thought that was only in my eyes,” she grumbles, fully fidgeting now that the nurse has finished taking her vitals.
“Well, you’ve been a sleep for a little while.”
“I have?”
“Yes, baby.” I lean in to kiss her forehead as relief saturates every cell. As utterly exhausted as I am, I don’t think I will ever be able to sleep again for fear of missing this. I keep the fear at bay, locked away down in the darkest part of my mind, but it’s there, the fear that time is running out.
“This hurts.” She points to the back of her hand and I get a clench in my chest that I can’t help ease her pain.
“I know baby, I know.”
“Here, let me put some of this on, now that you’re awake. It will help.” Joel puts a little numbing cream around the plastic film protecting the cannula.
“Hello, Joel. What are you doing here? Are you my doctor now?” Ruby’s eyes light with recognition, and she bounces a little, only to flop back on her pillow with obvious fatigue.
“Would you like me to be?”
“No, I don’t like doctors, and I like you.” She shakes her head adamantly, and then nods her approval.
“Okay, Ruby. I’ll just take away the pain, how about that?” he offers, and my heart sinks.
“Yes, this hurts, and it hurts here too. Can you take that pain away too?” Ruby points to her tummy, her chest, and legs.
“Joel,” I keep a tight smile and nod toward the door. “Can I have a word?”
“Sure. Hey, Ruby, would you like me to bring you some ice cream?” he asks, as he steps backwards, following me outside.
“Yes, please. Cherry Garcia, please, that’s my favourite.”
“You got it.” He salutes with two fingers, just as Harper enters the room.
“Auntie Harper!” Ruby squeals with delight, and Harper envelopes her little body in a hug, as I tug a reluctant Joel away from the window. We reach the end of the corridor, and I decide we need more privacy. I drag him into the stairwell.
“Joel, you need to rein in what you can promise her. I know how tempting it is to make promises to ease her pain.” I let out a heavy sigh when he stiffens. “Trust me on this, you’ll want to make it go away, but you can’t. You just can’t make promises you can’t keep, and until she gets that transplant there are just no guarantees.” My eyes fill with tears, I feel desolate saying this out loud, and it breaks me in two when his eyes close.
“I know,” he says after an unbearably painful second of silence. Even so, I can’t risk this not getting through.
“Do you? Because I’m pretty sure you were just about to promise to take all her pain away, and you and I both know with aplastic anaemia, there’s no such thing.”
“When did you get so hard?” he retorts, and I gasp at the agony of his complete misinterpretation of my current state.
“Hard? How dare you! I’m not…” I stutter and he has the grace to look mortified. “I’m not remotely strong enough to deal with this, Joel. I just won’t make it worse by telling Ruby something she wants to hear, because, for a brief second, it will make me feel better. This isn’t about me, and it isn’t about you. “
“You’re right.”
“You’d never make that kind of promise to one of your patients, so don’t do it to Ruby. She deserves better than lies. You wanted to prove yourself? Now’s your chance. Be the father she needs you to be, not the one you want to be.”
“You’re right.” He swallows thickly, his face contorted with anguish I happen to share, and, like me, he’s going to bury it deep, for Ruby. “Can I buy her some ice cream?”
“Yes, that you can do.” I flash a smile, as we brush the ugly truth away and return to the ward.
“This is going to be hard.” He says when we reach Ruby’s room. I press the handle to open the door and reply to his biblical understatement.
“You have no idea.”