Five Years Ago
“You need to tell him. This is his baby too, Regan.” Harper lifts a heap of the clothes I have piled on my bed to one side, creating enough room for her to sit beside me. Her pale blue eyes and nearly invisible blonde brows crinkle with genuine concern. Harper is everything I wish I could be: confident, carefree, and borderline genius. She’s stunning, too, long blonde hair and legs up to her armpits, curvy, and well, just drop-dead gorgeous. And if she wasn’t my best friend, I’d probably hate her. Maybe not hate exactly. I’m not sure I could hate anyone; even when my sister pushes me to my absolute limit, there’s still space for a smidgen of love, empathy, and compassion. It kind of goes hand in hand with my vocation; it’s in my DNA.
“A baby he categorically doesn’t want.” I sniff out a humourless laugh. I press my hand to my tummy when it surges with a roll of nausea. This isn’t a pregnancy symptom; this is a stupidity symptom.
“You don’t know that,” Harper coos in a soft tone lifted with a hint of her trademark optimism. She stroke-pats my hunched over body, her palm smoothing over my back as I curl into myself and try to rock away the feeling of impending doom.
“Actually I do.” I let out a puff of breath filled with hurt and inevitability. Straightening up, I swallow the pooling water in my mouth. She takes my hand in hers, and I explain. “The irony is strong like bull.” I try to add a little levity but it falls flat in my mouth and I tell the sorry tale straight. “The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. We had this very conversation last weekend. I mean we’d never actually spoken about kids at all before then, not even in a hypothetical way.”
“What triggered it now? Do you think he knows?” Her eyes widen to comical Disney princess proportions. I shake my head.
“No, no, not at all. Hell, I only found out on Saturday. There’s no way he could know. I don’t have a single symptom. I only took the test because I can set my watch to my period. Anyway, that is not the issue here. I told him my sister was pregnant. His response was instant, adamant, and heartbreakingly final but also…right.” Fat tears glaze my vision, but I blink them back. I don’t even feel this emotional, but my damn body is acting like a jilted prom queen. I stiffen the muscles in my body, hoping it will somehow help me to get through this without crumbling. That’s not me, that’s not what I do. I’m the sensible, realistic, surviving, matter of fact, and I can sort this shit, type.
Harper gasps. “Wait, what? Your sister has a boyfriend?” I raise my sardonic brow silently waiting for the realism to hit her. Her face scrunches with a knowing grimace. “Sorry, my bad.”
“Her new career plan was apparently to get some rich sucker to knock her up.”
“That has to be a first, that one of her plans actually worked,” Harper snarks.
“I did say the irony was strong here. Anyway, she’s pregnant and she intends screwing the guy for eighteen years of child support payments.”
“Who’s the lucky daddy?”
“She can’t be sure her target is actually the daddy so she’s going to wait until its born, then hit him with the paternity test.”
“Classy.”
“That’s Raleigh,” I scoff though it has absolutely no humour. I swallow the acrid taste her despicable behaviour leaves in my mouth. “It makes me physically ill that I’m related to her.”
“In blood, babe, and that’s where it ends.” She pulls me into a quick hug then pushes me back, holding my shoulders. “Can’t she can get the test done now?”
“She could but she wants to hit him with the visual, she says it will have a ‘better impact’” I air quote for the exact emphasis my sister used, although her vile grin was a little more sickening.
“Poor guy,” Harper’s face softens with empathy for this unknown, unsuspecting sucker.
“I didn’t think I could have less respect for her than I already do. If I had any other options to live somewhere else, I would. I can’t stand to be in the same room with her most of the time.”
“I wish you could share with me. Maybe when my lease is up, we can look into getting something bigger, together?”
“I certainly don’t want to be around for the big event, because I know exactly who will get left holding the baby. Raleigh doesn’t have a maternal bone in her painfully skinny body. I can’t believe she’s going to be a mother. I actually feel sick.” I hold my hand to my mouth with the very real surge of bile rushing from my stomach to my mouth. I swallow back and pause, waiting for my body to settle. I wonder if this topic of conversation is causing these physical reactions of whether I’m experiencing my very first pregnancy symptoms. Harper interrupts my thoughts just as my hand absently rests over my tummy.
“But what has this got to do with you and Joel? He loves you, and you love him. It’s entirely different.”
“He’s never actually said that, Harper. He tells me I’m special all the time, but those three little words have not crossed his lips, even when I said them.”
“Really?”
“Yes, I told him I loved him two months ago and all he said was, ‘You’re so damn special to me, Reggie’.”
“Maybe he’s one of those guys that can’t or won’t ever say it, and what he said is his equivalent. Maybe it’s the same thing to him.”
“You believe that?”
“I don’t know him; you do. What do you believe?”
“I believe I am special to him, he cares, and I think he does love me, even if he can’t say it. What we have works for us. I’m happy.”
“Really? Do you regret telling him you love him?”
“No, not at all. I do love him, and I wanted him to know, feelings don’t always have to be expressed with words.”
“No they don’t.”
“I know my situation is different from Raleigh, but Joel’s reaction to the news left no room for misinterpretation.” My arms are now wrapped protectively around my waist.
“What did he say?”
“Well, we were on the same page about Raleigh being a low life, money-grabbing bitch, but he then said, if it was him, at this point in his life, he’d hope for sense to prevail. I asked what that meant, and he said that a termination is the only sensible option. He even gave all the points like he’d seriously considered them, each one, and not just off the top of his head. These were counterarguments he had ingrained deeper than some ad-hoc discussion: that we were in a new relationship; we barely knew each other, and that was no foundation to bring a new life into the world. That we were both still students and training, and it would be selfish for both our sakes and the foetus—”
“He said foetus?” Her jaw drops in horror, and I feel the same now, although, at the time, I’m not sure I felt anything other than numb. I shrug and continue.
“He also said embryo, and no, he never called it a baby. He said if he was ever to have children, he wanted it to be a joint decision. He said it was grossly irresponsible in this day and age to bring a human into the world because of an accident. Unless it was deeply held religious belief he said it wasn’t even a consideration. He said the number of people who have children that shouldn’t, makes him sick. His exact words were, ‘Just because they can doesn’t mean they should’.”
“Wow, and you love this guy?” She raises her brow high and full of judgment.
“I know it sounds harsh, retelling it like this, and I’m not saying it’s a popular position or even that I agree, but I do understand why he believes this. Harper, you’ve seen the stories in the papers. Some people shouldn’t be parents. We both work in paediatrics. Believe me, we see the worst of the worst, and I can’t blame him for his rather dark view. When a baby comes in black and blue with tiny broken bones, it tends to colour your view. Some days it’s a very ugly world.”
“But that’s not you.” Her voice is pitched high with utter shock, and I have to wave her down.
“I know. I know it isn’t, and I said as much. He just said it’s a big decision, and if he was consulted now, he’d say no. And if he wasn’t consulted, he’d say fuck, no.” My lips fail to comply with my attempt at an accepting smile. This is so fucking hard.
“He might change his mind if you told him,” Harper coaxes, her hands squeezing mine. Reassurance and hope fill her tone, but the sentiment and wishful thinking roll off me.
“He might, because he’s known for changing his mind.” I reply flatly.
“Fair point, but you don’t really know him,” she adds, and I know she thinks that’s a good thing in this instance, but it’s the nail in the coffin, as far as this topic is concerned.
“No, I don’t.” I draw in a deep and steady breath. “So, at the very least, I have to believe he’s telling the truth when he voices his very clear opinion on unplanned pregnancies. I can’t and won’t assume he’d change his mind just because it’s me.” I watch her expression shift softly from expectation to resignation.
“So what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. I’m only in my second year of Med school. I don’t want a baby, either, not now, not like this, but—” I’m startled when my voice catches. The swell of emotion hits me like a tidal wave, and I have to stifle the rise of a sob from somewhere deep inside me. Harper pulls me into a tight and much needed hug. She kisses my hair and the difficult question is softened by her whispered words.
“But… Yeah, that is some ‘but’ you’ve got yourself, Reggie.” I sniff and let out a humourless laugh at her understatement. “If you keep it, do you think he’ll leave right away?”
“I know how he feels about this, Harper, I wouldn’t want him to stay.”
“What about money? I mean, he’s loaded.”
I pull back, and she rightly flinches at my scowl. “What the fuck, Harper…I’m not my sister…shit!” I drop my head to my cupped hands, and I don’t bother to try and stop the tears from falling. Despair descends, cloaking and choking my heavy heart. “I took the morning after pill, for fuck sake. How did this happen?” I sob, and rivers of tears stream down my face, giant heaves of sadness mixed with frustration and unbelievable stupidity. The one and only time we didn’t use a condom at the tail end of the expiration date on my contraceptive implant, and it was definitely me that said we’d be fine. I begged Joel, on my horny sore knees. I pleaded that my dates we pretty safe, and when his resolve looked unshakable, I promised to go straight to my doctor’s the next morning, which I did. ‘It only takes one swimmer.’ His humorous warning rings hollow in my ears, not so funny now. Fuck!
“Seems to me you’ve already made the decision, Regan. It’s just a matter of a few extra days.” Harper slides her arm over my shoulder and leans her body over mine like a protective shell. A little too late for that.
“Weeks, a few extra weeks,” I argue.
“But you know it’s just a bundle of cells right now, right?”
“That’s rationalizing.” I suck back the barrage of ugly sounds clogging up my throat.
“It is, but you have to do what’s right for you, and no one who loves you is going to judge you either way. I mean me, by the way.” Her lips quirk in a half-hearted smile that is still tender and warm enough to hit me where it hurts. I nod my understanding but can’t quite get my words out; she fills the silence, though. “I know it’s a shitty thing for me to bat right back at you, Reggie, but this is your decision, and it will be with you for the rest of your life. Your body…your choice.” She shifts to create some space, and I uncurl and straighten myself. She smooths the wet hair from my face and wipes the river of tears dry with her thumb…well, dry for the moment.
“I know.” I give a short nod,
“Want to talk about something else?” She tilts her head, and I sag at her change of subject lifeline.
“I really do.” Dragging the back of my hand over my cheeks I wipe dry the remaining stray tears.
“So what’s with all the outfits on the bed? I didn’t know you had this many clothes.” She lifts up a cute little sequinned cocktail dress and stands, holding it against her front, spinning to size up the outfit in front on my wardrobe mirror door.
“I don’t. Possibly the only perk to Raleigh’s shopping addiction is I get her cast offs. Joel is taking me to his cabin for the weekend. I’ve never actually stayed at his place, he always stays here.” Despite the weight of my situation I can’t hide the excitement in my voice. This is big.
“Really? How come?”
“He lives with his mother and his stepfather, but he hates it there and wouldn’t inflict his family on his worst enemy, his words. I think he’s just a very private person.”
“You’re his girlfriend. You’ve met them, though?”
“Sure, well, his mother, who is only slightly better than mine.”
“Oh, well, I can understand him staying here, then. I’d still not want a hottie like him so close to Raleigh.” Harper warns, and I get a hit of pain from a stupid teenage memory.