“This had nothing to do with him.” I mutter to Harper as we bounce around in the back of the ambulance currently transferring Ruby from Mercy to CMC. Ruby is stable and still sleeping, her vitals haven’t changed, but they haven’t deteriorated either, and I’m taking what comfort I can from that.
“You don’t need to explain.”
“It’s just better for Ruby.”
“It makes sense.” Harper grins, tight-lipped and extremely irritating. I made this decision on its own merits, and it certainly doesn’t mean I’m about to cave to Joel’s demands.
“He’s not having her, Harper.”
“Why?” She closes the magazine she wasn’t really reading and raises a curious brow.
“What? What do you mean why?” My eyes widen, and then scrunch with confusion.
“Look, I know you’re up to your ears with all this, and, honestly, I wouldn’t be coping half as well as you, but this isn’t like you.”
Without a second thought, I crisply shut her down. “No.”
“See, that’s what I mean. Shooting me down like that. You don’t do that, I do that.”
“This is a new me,” I counter with absolutely no conviction, doubt already chipping at my resolve. I’m in turmoil, and the only way I can see a way through this is to not let any of it in.
Deny, deny, deny.
“Bullshit, and what about ‘everyone deserving a second chance’, hmm? Joel hasn’t even had one chance with Ruby, and you’re hell bent on keeping him out. It’s crazy. It’s so not you, and I just want to know why.” Her voice rises for a fraction and softens with her features. I can see she’s trying to pick her way to an answer, and I kind of hope she finds one, because I’m floundering. No, I’m not floundering; I’m scared out of my mind. I look over to my expectant friend, paused and breath held waiting on an answer that I can’t give her. All I have is a feeble shrug that cuts no ice with Harper as she continues her interrogation. “And I know you’re not even mad about him cheating because you don’t believe he did.”
“Actually, I think I know how that happened, and it’s seriously creepy.” I’ve had many hours to ponder this, and, if nothing else, I jump at the chance to change the subject, even a little.
“How? I can’t quite picture her drugging him, and him not knowing, and that’s the only scenario I came up with.”
“That one crossed my mind too, but I agree. Okay, but this is gross.” I wrinkle my nose with warning. Harper’s smile widens, and she sits ramrod straight in her seat, even the paramedics in the front turn their radio down. “Joel is messy, and I mean throws his used condoms vaguely near the bin in the bathroom kind of messy. I remember one morning; he’d stayed over and after he left and we’d… Well, anyway, Raleigh insisted on using my bathroom. I didn’t even get the chance to get out of bed to let her in. She just came barging in as soon as Joel had shut the front door. She bolted straight to my bathroom saying something about hers being blocked, and all I could think was great. She was in there ages, and after awhile, the nurse in me started to get worried. I banged on the door just as she opened it. I asked her if everything was all right, and she replied she’d let me know when the time was right. Cryptic shit that I brushed off as Raleigh being Raleigh. Anyway, I went in holding my nose to have my shower. After, I started to clean up, and as usual, I expected to have to hunt for the discarded condom, as it wasn’t on the top of the bin like it should’ve been. It was nearing the end of my safe period for my contraceptive implant, and you know what a stickler he was. “It’s funny how all this clicks into place after the fact. Raleigh had been really curious about my birth control, asked me a ton of questions that, like a dumbass, I assumed at the time meant she was reconsidering her grand plan. Anyway, I couldn’t find it, anywhere. I even stood in the middle of the room and did the mock ‘now where would he fling it in a hurry’ thing, and it just wasn’t there. I actually remember laughing at the possibility of him finding it later in the day stuck to his elbow or something.”
“So?” Harper asks, even as her face transforms with dubious comprehension and horror.
“Raleigh must’ve taken it and the contents.”
“You can do that? I mean you can actually get pregnant from a used condom?”
“Googled it, and yep, it’s a fifty-fifty thing, but it’s possible.”
“Wow, she really was a class act. At least Joel didn’t fuck her.”
“Yeah, still not a hundred percent on that one.” My gut twists with the lie.
“He didn’t.” Harper’s assertive reply surprises me and makes me feel a little less naive. “I don’t even like the guy that much, but he wasn’t lying. As far as he is concerned, he kept his dick firmly in his pants when it came to your sister. Still, this was Raleigh, and she had no moral compass, and the lawyer in me has to caution about the possibility she duped him like she did me. The pertinent point is, his intentions were…are pure. He didn’t cheat back then, and actually, he’s probably feeling all kinds of violated right now.”
“I know.” I swallow the hard lump in my throat as she voices the same thoughts that plague my conscience.
The ambulance pulls to a stop, and the rear doors swing open. I gather Ruby’s things, and Harper and I jump from the vehicle and wait for the paramedics to carefully ease Ruby’s gurney out the back of the ambulance. Once inside the hospital I lead the way to my ward, relief washes over me at the familiar surroundings and I kick myself that I didn’t think to do this sooner. I smile for the first time as we move Ruby into her new room. The truth hits me hard ,when I’m greeted by friendly faces and people I know and trust. This has nothing to do with Ruby’s treatment; this move was about me. He knew this would be better, for me. Damn him.
“You know he can’t have kids?” Harper blurts as soon as we are left on our own, clearly bursting to continue a conversation I thought we’d finished.
“He told you that?”
“He’s pretty cut up, Regan, and that’s what I don’t understand, why you won’t let him in, for Ruby’s sake.”
“She’s all I have.” I cling to that reality as tightly as I hold her tiny hand, willing her to open her eyes and wake up.
“She’s all he has, and all he’ll ever have and who knows for how long…” She snaps her mouth shut far too late to take the unspeakable back. I step back, amazed and horrified, dumbstruck. I turn my back. I have to get away before…before what? I have no idea. This is too much, too damn much.
“Oh, god, I’m sorry. You know I didn’t… Fuck, Reggie, please…please don’t walk away.” Harper’s broken cries mix with the echo of my footsteps down the corridor. I walk… and walk, faster and faster until I’m running, breathless, flat out and blind from the tears. I can’t breathe. I can’t stop. I can’t do this anymore.
“Regan.” A shadow falls across my face chilling the air around me. Joel blocks the view even as he wisely hovers at a minimum safe distance. I pinch my jaw tight and try my best to look right through him.
“Not going to talk to, me hmm? Well, this should be interesting,” he says, tapping his fingers on his lip in contemplation. I narrow my eyes before looking away. “May I sit, or did you want to enjoy pity party solo?”
“Pity party why you utter -“ My volatile response is cut off by the exact same word I was about to hurl at him.
“-Asshole, yes, I know, and even so, you are still going to have to talk to me, Regan. You’re not the only one hurting. You might not believe me, but I do understand.” His tone softens, and without invitation he takes a seat next to me. I stare ahead, afraid to look in his eyes. I’m barely hanging on as it is, and I can’t break, not in front of him.
“You don’t know her, Joel, you’ve had nothing to do with her, you’re not a parent, so forgive me, but you can’t possibly understand what I’m going through right now.”
“I didn’t mean it like that, but just because I haven’t been Ruby’s parent doesn’t mean I don’t care, and not being her parent is hardly my fault. So how about I flip that sentiment and say, ‘you can’t possibly know what I’m going through either’. I have a child I knew nothing about, and I know you don’t believe me, but I never fucked your sister, not consciously.” He adds like an awkward afterthought.
“But sub-consciously is a possibility?” I clip.
“I don’t know.” He drops his head and drags his hands through his hair pulling himself upright. He lets out a long tired breath that mirrors the exhaustion I feel in my bones.” I’ve racked my brains, and it’s the only thing I can come up with.” He muses out loud. “She did like to dress like you to try and fool your friends. It’s not beyond the realms of possibility…I mean she tried it once with me, but I…I never-”
“-I know,” I interrupt, but the anguish and pain is too much, his face contorts with the need to be heard. He turns, and grabs both my hands, pulling me round to face him.
“No, Reggie, you must believe me, I always knew it was her. I never touched her, not one fucking finger, and I fucking hate that she did that to me…to us.”
“There is no us, Joel.” I ease my hands from his. I know he’s hurting. It’s as plain as the agony in my own chest, only I can’t help him, not like this. There is no us.
“But there was, and even if I fucked it up at the end, it was still the best time of my life, and she’s ruined that memory. I fucking hate her for that.”
“You hated her before that,” I add, with a lacklustre smile.
“True, I’m a great judge of character, and she deserved it.”
“Yeah.” I literally have no words left to describe my sister, defaulting to the safe option of ‘it’s wrong to speak ill of the dead.’
“I just can’t work out how she-”
“-Used condom.”
“Excuse me?” At any other time his face might be comical, all screwed up with a mix of shock and disgust.
“She stole a used condom from my bathroom,” I clarify, and undiluted anger replaces the shocked part of his expression.
“Fucking bitch, that’s unbelievable, who does that?” he fumes.
“Raleigh does that…did that.” I don’t hold his gaze for more than a second.
“For what it’s worth, that helps.” He speaks, breaking the few moments of silence.
“Helps how?”
“I’m not a cheat,” he states, pushing himself up from the bench.
“I never thought you were.”
“Thank you, that means a lot.” I look up, and with little hope I force myself to ask.
“Enough for you to drop this arbitration thing?”
“Will you give me access to my daughter?” His quick response is expected, and I’ve already started to shake my head.
“I can’t.”
“Then you have your answer.” He turns and walks away.
“Asshole.” I mutter, but I’m not really sure who I’m referring to.
There’s barely a second to dwell when I hear the tentative voice of my best friend.
“Hey,” Harper approaches me bearing gifts. Her face is so pale, I think she shouldn’t be outside in this chilly air. She holds out the bag of flying saucers that I know she must’ve scoured the city for. A childhood favourite sweet of mine that you can only get in England or those specialty shops in the States that charge an arm and a leg.
“Hey,” I take the bag with a faint smile. I can’t stomach the fizzy sherbet on my empty stomach, but I really appreciate the effort. I know she must be feeling just as shitty as I do right now, probably worse. She sits on the bench beside me, facing the main entrance to the hospital. I didn’t run far; my feet froze the second my face hit fresh air. I couldn’t leave, and I couldn’t go back inside either. I’m in limbo, alone, and I need my friend.
“I’m sorry I walked.”
“No, I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry I said—”
“You are right though, and I think that’s what hurts the most.”
“I’m not, I’ve never been more wrong. Ruby is going to be fine.”
“I hope so.” I struggle with the lump in my throat, but I force it down and face her. “I know I’m not being fair, Harper, and I don’t care. I’m sorry if that makes me the monster, but he doesn’t deserve her; he doesn’t. She’s mine.”
“Can you afford for this to go to court, Regan?”
“I thought…” My voice wavers, leaving my assumption hanging between us.
“I don’t mean the money, silly. Of course I’ll represent you. I mean the time, time away from Ruby. Wouldn’t it be better to sit down and talk this through, like grown-ups?” she urges, and she’s right. However, it still doesn’t stop my instant and adamant response.
“No.”
“I so didn’t want to have to be the one to tell you this.” She pinches the pressure points at her temples, and for the first time, I can see the strain dulling her normally immaculate features. Her eyes have no sparkle, and she looks almost as bone-tired as I feel, almost.
“Tell me what? What’s happened?”
“I wanted you to say yes to that last part.”
“What’s happened?” I snap, only to shake myself and softly add. “Please tell me what’s happened.”
“Joel is insisting on a sit-down, arbitration. He’s serious about this, Regan.”
“He can’t—”
“He’s Ruby’s father, so, yes, he can,” she insists firmly and interrupts me before I can counter.
“I’m her—”
“You never legally adopted her Reggie, at best, you’re her aunt.”
“I’m her legal guardian though.”
“Um, that’s not entirely accurate.”
“What?”
“I have the paperwork.”
“No, no, that’s not right. I was appointed Ruby’s guardian at her birth I just never bothered with the adoption process. There didn’t seem any point.’
“Well, the point might’ve brought to light the fact that the court documentation for guardianship of Ruby wasn’t filed correctly. It’s a technicality, but it is also a problem.” She waves a fat manila envelope, dropping it ominously with a loud thud on the wooden bench between us. “Joel’s been busy.”
“What do you mean?”
“Two things, actually, the guardianship papers weren’t served properly, and the witness signed the wrong form. The forms never got officially filed with the court. They were left pending correction, and then somehow got forgotten. It’s a technical issue which is only an issue if …” She doesn’t bother to finish the fuck up of a sentence, I do it for her.
“If the birth father finds out and wants to make it an issue.”
“Exactly.”
“Arsehole.”
“He could be, but I don’t think that’s his intention.” Her earnest expression and insight do nothing to ease my rocketing anxiety.
“Just when I thought my life couldn’t get any worse.” I let out a humourless laugh and drop my heavy head in my hands. Harper picks the envelope up and slides to fill that space. Her arm resting across my shoulder, she hugs me as best she can at this awkward angle. I exhale a world-weary breath and ask, “So what happens now?”
“You have to attend an informal meeting.” She’s quick to clarify when I stiffen with panic under her arm. “I will be there to represent you, but the idea is that you both talk the situation through to some mutually acceptable arrangement. It’s all conducted in front of an impartial arbitrator.”
“When?”
“We have two days to compile a case against him, if that’s the way you want to go.” I can hear the hope in her intonation, and a part of me wishes I could concede to make this easy on everyone; however, a much bigger part of me just wants my daughter and me to be left the fuck alone.
“I don’t want to share her, Harper,” I say resolutely. Harper gives a sharp nod, resignation and determination vying for pole position on her expression.
“Then you better get some rest. We have work to do.” She stands and brushes away the conflict along with the creases in her clothes.
“Thank you.” I stand and throw my arms around her, squeezing tight, and when we face each other, she returns my hope-filled smile.
“Don’t thank me just yet.” The effort to keep her tone optimistic is wasted, and she looks so concerned. We walk silently back into the hospital, and I take inordinate comfort from the renewed look of determination now fixed firmly on my best friend’s face.
We’ve got this.