“Hey, honey, how you doing?” Harper enters the room and walks up to where I’m just staring at my baby like a crazy person. I’ve been rooted to this spot for hours in a daze since Joel dropped his bombshell. My head is a mess, and my heart is beyond shattered.
It’s a stupid question that warrants the equally perverse reply.
“I’m fine.” I lean into her sideways hug and enjoy the fleeting comfort for what it is, fleeting.
“Yeah, okay. How’s our little one doing then?” Harper forces a brave smile that people do in these situations.
“Sleeping, fighting, and generally being a stubborn little madam, and refusing to wake up.” My breezy response takes a herculean effort when all I want to do is shut down. I pray to take Ruby’s place, and I’d give anything to just swap positions. It’s all-consuming, debilitating, and counter-productive. And the ridiculous thing is, I know better. This isn’t helping.
“Yep, that sounds like Rubes.” Harper squeezes me and then moves around me to give Ruby a kiss.
“They think they have found a couple of near matches.” I explain as I absently rearrange Ruby’s cover for the umpteenth time.
“Oh, wow, that’s good, right?”
“It needs to be better than a near match I don’t think she would survive with anything less.” I hate that I know this. I hate that I know exactly how sick my little girl is when every other parent in this situation would be cushioned to some extent with blissful ignorance, at least for a little while. I have no respite.
“You know that for sure?”
“No, nothing’s certain.” I say the right thing, because anything else is unacceptable. Fat tears spring from my red raw eyes, and I don’t even bother to wipe them dry.
“Hey, hey, she’s a fighter, right, like her momma.” Harper looks fondly from Ruby to me.
“Raleigh wasn’t that kind of fighter, Harper.” I sniff back the tears.
“Since when did you start referring to Raleigh as Ruby’s mom?” Harper’s hands rest on her hips, and sassy indignation clips her tone.
“Since I found out Joel is her birth father.” My flat response floors her. She gapes, and her neck seems to elongate a good few inches.
“What the fuck? Joel fucked your sister behind your back?” Her crystal clear voice cuts above the background noise, and I’m thankful Ruby has been moved to a private room on the ward.
“Actually I don’t think he did. I mean he obviously did, I just don’t think he knew.” I glance over my shoulder to check if her announcement garnered any attention our way, but bodies outside of the glass wall and closed door remain busy and focused.
“The ‘just happened to slip and fall into her vagina’ defence doesn’t really cut it with me, Regan. I just don’t buy it; he’s not that stupid to make a mistake like that. He knew. Fuck, he’s a lying sack of shit, I’m going to tear—”
I interrupt her tirade as her volume escalates. “Remember when you went to that graduation party with Raleigh instead of me?”
“That’s different.” She reels back, frowning as my question stops her in her tracks.
“How? You didn’t know it wasn’t me until I turned up late and wondered why the hell my best friend went to the party without me.”
“She was wearing your clothes. She tricked me.” She crosses her arms, affronted all over again at being duped.
“You think she didn’t trick him?”
“She would’ve had to be naked. You’d think he would be able to tell the difference.” Derision slides from the accusatory curl in her lip.
“Identical twins, Harper, identical.” The emphasis is unnecessary, it may not clarify the situation, but it does make it at least a possibility.
“Fuck.” Harper exhales, shaking her head with the enormity of what I’ve been processing for the last few hours.
“Yeah, at least it solves one mystery.”
“What mystery?”
“What she hoped I would never find out, and why in her letter she was so very sorry.”
“Too fucking late for that.”
“Too late for a lot of things.” I shrug. I may have shared her bitter inclination over this at one time, but on the scale of things, now it barely registers. Ruby is the only thing that matters.
“Um, Regan, can we get her ready for the move?” Kellee pops her head around the door, she’s one of Ruby’s primary nurses—bright, bubbly, and blonde. She’s friendly and extremely proficient at her job. However, her question has me confused. Ruby was only moved into this room yesterday.
“Move? Where are you taking her?”
“She’s being transferred over to CMC. ”
“Why?” My heart kicks up to that of a rabbit in the headlights. What new information is floating around, and why I haven’t been told?
“Not sure. Hey, Paula, do you know why Ruby’s being transferred?” Kellee leans back out of the doorway and calls to her boss. I can see Paula look up from the nurses’ station, her dark features quickly assess the situation, and she stops whatever she is doing and walks over.
“Hello, Regan. I’m sorry; you obviously weren’t informed. We received the request just now, and it has something to do with her father working over there; he wanted her close.” She shifts uncomfortably, her eyes unable to hold mine as unease rolls off her stiff frame and starched scrubs.
“What the fuck! No! She’s not being transferred. Harper, he can’t do this, can he?” I snap, my attention diverted equally between the nurse in charge and my best friend, the hot-shit attorney.
“Um, I don’t know. Family law isn’t really my… Give me a minute.” She reaches for her phone and starts to scroll, and I start to lose my shit.
“Stop, stop that! Don’t touch her.” I position myself between a startled Kellee and Ruby’s bed, my wide arms blocking any attempt to get close. To be fair, she hasn’t tried since I yelled, but I’m not taking any chances.
“Regan, you need to calm down.” Paula steps into the room, and her attempt to be the voice of reason bounces right off my ears as if I have my fingers wedged in the holes. I retaliate, the rising hysteria beyond my control. Every fucking thing is out of control.
“Oh, because that always works, telling someone who is clearly losing their shit to calm down. I am calm, and I’m calmly telling you to leave my daughter alone. She’s not going anywhere.”
“Regan, what’s going on?” Joel pushes his way into the room, and it takes everything I have not to fly at him with fists raining down and knees crunching his nuts.
“You! You…you fucking arsehole.” I stammer to get the words out fast enough. The rage hinders my ability to speak and addles my brain. I march up to him and punch my finger into his chest. He doesn’t flinch. Steely resolve and understanding form this perfect, balanced, and rational barrier. I know I’m not doing myself any favours, and yet I can’t stop. “You’re not her father, I am.”
“You’re her father?” His brow furrows like he’s seriously processing the possibility of my mistake.
“Not what I meant.” The anger pinching my shoulders to my ears evaporates for a moment, and the weight of everything pulls them down with a heavy slump.
“When did you last sleep?” He goes to stroke the hair away from my eyes, and I slap his hand away.
“Fuck you, Joel. Leave her alone. She’s mine, and you had no right to interfere,” I snarl, my teeth grinding with the force of my clenched jaw.
“Technically, I do, and besides, I didn’t think I was interfering. It’s only a request, not a court order, and I had come here to discuss it with you. I thought it would help you.” He states this all too calmly, dismissing my tempered rage, if not my statement. “You work at CMC. It’s closer to your home, and you would have people you know to help you care for Ruby, including me.”
“She’s not your patient.”
“No, she’s my daughter, and she’s sick. I deserve to be with her, Regan, and you know that.” His voice softens so much, it’s unbearably tender, and my heart just cleaves in two. My head starts to shake of it’s on volition.
“No, no…”
“Regan…” Harper touches my arm, and I snap my whole body away from her and back away. I continue to refuse to acknowledge any of this. My whole body starts to shake.
“No, Harper. I don’t want to hear it.” Sobs wrench from deep inside me, sucking the air from my lungs, making it so hard to breathe. The tentative hold I have on everything begins to slip, and I gasp at the agony at my chest. Endless tears streak my cheeks, still, I manage to draw in a forceful breath, and I wildly point my finger at everyone in the room to bear witness to what I have to say. “He doesn’t come near her. I want an injunction, something, anything. I don’t care. But he doesn’t come near my daughter.”
“Fine, I’m going now, but only because this escalated way beyond what I’d intended.” He holds up his hands in defeat and backs away one slow footstep at a time. I exhale loudly, even if I don’t feel remotely better for my victory. He reaches the door, and I catch the moment he fixes his eyes on Ruby. Pain distorts his perfect face, and heartbreak etches his eyes as they close; however, when they open, all that is gone. This expression I recognise: determined, fixed, and focused. “Harper, you need to explain the reality here, because, trust me, I’m Ruby’s father, and I will be back.” His tone brooks no argument. I get it; Joel always gets what he wants, but not without one helluva fight.
“Trust you! That’s priceless.” I fire back, thrusting myself forward like a rabid dog only to be leashed back by Harper and Kellee. “You’re only contribution to being a father was not wearing a fucking condom when you fucked my sister behind my back!” Kellee gasps beside me, and Paula winces, most likely because I’m screaming the F-word at full volume.
“I never fucked your sister.” Joel lowers his voice perfectly at the pertinent word before pushing away from the door and storming off down the corridor.
“Wow, you’re right; he didn’t, did he?” Harper releases her hold of my arm, expressing what I know in my heart to be true. She still continues to ask the unanswerable question all the same. “How the fuck is he Ruby’s—”
“What did he mean by ‘explain the reality’ Harper?” I interrupt because horse, stable door, and bolt are the only things relevant to how Ruby came to be. I want to know what happens now that she is, and now that he is her father.
“I’m so sorry, Regan.” Harper pulls me into her warm and strong embrace. It’s not strong enough. I break out all over again.
“Not what I wanted to hear, Harper.”
“I know.”