Blair

I stand in the doorway of my apartment; the only remnants of anyone ever living here are the bed and the couch. They are both run down and full of nothing but moments I want to forget. I don’t want either of them. I’ll get new ones once I’m settled.

With one last deep breath, I turn around to face my friends and say goodbye forever to this chapter of my life. They both smile at me, but I can see Sadie’s smile is forced and again that bothers me. There’s been this sadness about her, this emptiness that makes my heart hurt for her. She’s always been the girl to make all the wrong choices, the first one to jump without looking to see the place she’ll land first. She is sporadic and spontaneous; on most occasions that gets her into trouble in the end.

But this time is different. Whenever her eyes meet mine, she looks away, almost like seeing me hurts too much to bear.

“Are we ready?” Whitney asks as she wiggles her car keys before her. “Ready to let go of this black hole and start over?”

“More than ready.” I step toward her and immediately I’m taken into a hug. Sadie stands back allowing us our moment, but I refuse to let her isolate herself. Reaching out I hook her shoulders with my outstretched arm and pull her in as Whitney securely holds us all in one big hug.

We share a silent moment before we part and all walk together toward the elevator. Again Sadie looks at the ground or toward the wall each time I attempt to make eye contact. A heavy weighted feeling hangs in my chest, a fear I can’t quite explain.

When we step outside and begin descending toward the sidewalk, she slowly fades away until there are more than a few feet between us.

Reaching the passenger side of the car I notice her, paused at the bottom of the stairs, her eyes searching the street from one side to the next. Her hands are held out before her as she continues to wring them nervously.

“Sadie.”

Her body actually jerks in surprise to the sound of my voice. Her gaze lifts to see my own and that’s when I see it. Her eyes are reddened and glossy, her lower lip trembling uncontrollably. Whitney is the first to move toward her, only Sadie holds out her hands, shaking them frantically, her head whipping from side to side.

Both Whitney and I begin searching the streets too, looking for what may have frightened her somehow.

“I can’t do this anymore.” Sadie cries out as she hangs her head in defeat.

“Do what?” Whitney and I share a confused look, and the longer we stand there the worse my stomach tenses. Something is wrong; I’ve never seen Sadie act this way. She looks lost, scared even.

“I’m sorry, Blair.” When she lifts her head up and her gaze meets mine, I feel like my stomach drops to the ground at my feet. “I just wanted to try it once, I thought it’d be a wild experience. I never expected to get the hook after just one try.”

Even though I suspect I know what she is referring to, I refuse to believe it. Sadie isn’t that stupid.

“I showed up at your place and you weren’t home yet. Nate was sitting around with a couple guys and when they offered I didn’t say no.”

“Sadie,” Whitney whispers her name but she doesn’t take her eyes from me. I can already see it in her eyes that there’s more.

“It all happened so fast.”

“What did?” My shoulders and back are tense. I think I may have even been holding my breath.

“It’s almost like I closed my eyes for only a second and when I opened them it was already over.” I can visibly see her throat bob as she swallows hard. “I should have stopped it then, but I couldn’t. I needed more and he offered it to me.”

“But there was a price, wasn’t there?” The sour feeling in my stomach makes my mouth water as I try to fight off the nausea. “Something other than money?”

She nods.

“So not only are you a junkie, but you’re a whore too.” She flinches at my words, and maybe they are harsh, but here I am looking into the eyes of one of my best friends and she is telling me something I never thought I would ever hear from her. “You fucked my boyfriend to get a free high.” Tears fall over her cheeks. “Then you pretended to be my friend. Every time you were with us, you acted as though you weren’t screwing each other behind my back.”

“It was like I couldn’t control it.” She sobs as she steps toward me. “I’m sorry Blair, but I can’t keep up this charade. I can’t keep getting threats of outing me, making me do things I don’t want to do.”

“What?” I narrow my eyes at her as my voice rises a few notches. “What do you mean threats?”

A few very long seconds of silence pass between us, my irritation only growing stronger and deeper.

“What aren’t you telling me?”

“The fact that we walked into Miller’s that night, or that you ended up with a job there was not a coincidence.” I feel like she kicked me hard in the stomach and I was now looking at a complete stranger. “When I got involved with Nate, I also got involved with Gabe.”

“Gabe who?”

“Cyrus’ brother.” An uncontrollable sob escapes me. “They threatened me, but I never once thought they would hurt you, Blair. That wasn’t part of the deal. Had I known—”

“How could you not have known that they’d hurt me? They are awful people, Sadie—cruel, cold, and vengeful people.” She tries to stop my rant but I lunge at her only to be caught by Whitney. “You threw me to the wolves, you stupid bitch.” My words echo off the buildings around us. “You were all part of this sick game to destroy me and you want forgiveness?”

“Blair…” Whitney attempts to control my outrage but at this point, nothing will stop it. This is days of fear and terror, days of anger and frustration all being poured at the feet of a person I thought I could trust.

A person who violated me right alongside of Gabe Gunther and his sidekick, even if she wasn’t present. She played her hand in this sick game.

“Fuck you, Sadie.” She hangs her head and has the nerve to appear hurt by my words. “I loved you, I trusted you.” I took in a deep shuddering breath.

“Blair.” This time it isn’t Whitney or even Sadie that says my name. It is a deep baritone, one that at one time I longed to hear as it whispered in my ear in the darkness of my bedroom. But that time is over. The only thing Jake reminds me of now is a time I just want to forget.

I twist in Whitney’s arms and find him standing only a few feet away. I relax in Whitney’s embrace, but only long enough to gain the strength I need to break free. It happens so fast, my body jerks, her arms part, and Jake reaches out for me when he sees me coming. Only there is no acceptance of his offer, only my hand connecting with his cheek.

The contact stings the palm of my hand, his head jolting to the side.

“I hate you,” I scream, my throat burning as the words rip through me. “Both of you!” I take in a ragged breath, finally relaxing back into Whitney’s waiting arms. “I hate all of you.” My body shakes as silent sobs rush through me. I’m unable to stop them as the reality of my life and where it’s led me hits me hard.

I allow Whitney to hug me tight as she leads me toward the passenger side of her car. Once I am safely tucked inside, she closes the door and turns to face Jake and Sadie as they still remain frozen in the places I’d left them. I can hear her muffled words, but they aren’t clear enough to distinguish. I just know that whatever it is she is saying causes Sadie to crumble to the ground beneath her. Her legs just give out and she sits down on the last step that leads up to the place I once referred to as home. The truth is, though, it was never truly a home and now it was more tainted then before. How can one place hold so much heartache?

I look away from Sadie because a part of me suddenly feels as though she may have been genuine in her plea for forgiveness. I’m not ready to accept yet that what she’s done to me may have possibly been out of her hands.

In doing so, my stare settles on a man who not too long ago seemed so strong and so sure. Jake looks smaller now, not literally, but the feeling I’d once had when looking at him was no longer present. Seeing him reminds me of the things I’d gone through that night outside the bar. I hate that even the good memories I had of him are now destroyed by that one single action.

I have to look away because my heart is too weak. For a split second, I let myself see the hurt in his eyes. The worst part about it is that space inside me, the one that once believed he and I could be an us, wants to go to him.

My head and my heart are so confused, and I just need to get away.

I have to let go, I have to let it all go.