Blair

After Sadie shared the secrets she’d been guarding, Whitney and I decided to leave sooner. It no longer mattered to her that she would be violating her lease. We knew that staying in Chicago would only continue to weigh heavy on both of us. Sadie may have violated the friendship between her and me, but in doing so she’d violated Whitney too.

I know we both felt devastated.

We’ve been back in Iowa for a little over a week and in that short time, I’ve been able to find that strength inside of me that I once held. That strength finally gave me the courage to push Jake and even any lingering thoughts of Nate out of my life for good. That same strength helped me push through the weeks that followed until I found level ground once again. That was until Jake shook the surface beneath my feet and screwed it all up once again.

I’d love to say that when I left Chicago I was also able to leave everything that had to do with that man behind, but I can’t. I wish I could say that the miles between us now made forgetting him easier, but I can’t say that either. Jake didn’t just crush my soul by violating my trust. He didn’t just use me to get answers for his warped father. He left a life-altering mark on my life, a mark that I would now hold forever.

Every morning, I’m reminded of our short time together. There is no longer the possibility of forgetting he even existed. That fantasy, that wish, is long gone.

Swoosh, swoosh. I close my eyes tightly when the sound fills the room. Whitney stands at my side, holding my hand tightly in hers as I lie back, both my feet firmly planted in the stirrups before me.

“That’s your baby’s heartbeat.” I take in a deep, shuddering breath when the technician confirms what the three tests I’d taken just yesterday had read. “You are only about five to six weeks along, but the heartbeat is strong.”

I open my eyes and turn my head toward Whitney, a tear running over my cheek in the process as it drips to the surface beneath me. She forces a smile, but I know her well enough to understand what she’s thinking. It’s the same thing I fear.

Fear of the Gunther family finding that I’m now carrying one of their heirs. The terror that one day my child would be trapped in a life of hell.

“With the information you’ve provided about your last period, and the measurements I’ve taken, I’d say that puts the conception date somewhere between April seventeenth to April nineteenth.”

Again I close my eyes tightly, knowing she is dead on. That was the time that Jake and I were locked away in my apartment together. The days right before it all went straight to hell.

“Congratulations, how exciting.” Is it? I think as I look toward the tech just as she holds out a curling strip of paper. When I take it from her I twist it around so I can look at the images, and my heart feels as though it seizes in my chest. I feel ashamed that only moments ago I’d actually wished this was all nothing more than a dream, or a nightmare even. The hazy black and white photo softens the regret I feel. My baby, though at this point it barely resembles an infant, more of a blob really, is all I can see at that moment. Mine. I vow right then and there to protect him or her from the life of their father. No way will I ever allow them to be a part of that dark world I left behind in Chicago.

“Thanks,” I whisper as I stare at the image, unable to peel my eyes away from it. My heart beats rapidly as my chest grows tight. The pain I feel from reality is overwhelming. But I can’t regret this, I won’t allow it. I’ve known what it feels like to be tossed aside, I’ve lived that life. One where my parents didn’t care for me the way a parent should. I won’t repeat history, but instead, I will learn from it and vow never to let my child feel as though they aren’t wanted.

“A new start,” I whisper to no one in particular, but more of a statement to myself. When Whitney squeezes my hand in hers and repeats the words in her own whisper, I know she gets it. This baby, though he or she is unplanned, is a sign of a new beginning for me. One I’ll treasure and love unconditionally. From this day forward, I will do everything I can to give my child a life full of so much love they never once feel the absence of their father.

“Do you wanna talk about it yet?” Will, Whitney’s oldest brother sits down on the couch beside me and stares at me with his arms crossed over his chest. “Because I know the story about not knowing who the father is was nothing more than a lie. That isn’t who you are, Blair.”

“How do you know?” I challenge him with an arch of my brow and though he tries to remain serious and in control, he falters. A grin tugs at the corner of his mouth and he averts his stare for a few seconds before looking back up at me. We both grin wide and he bumps his shoulder with my own.

Will is like the big brother I never had. He is even more protective than Whitney. He’s always been the guy to scare off any boy who tried to date us, terrify those who slid under his radar, and ensured they understood he was watching. I love the guy and know that no matter what, he’d serve as a male role model for my child without me even asking. So will Warner, who is the middle child in the Flannigan family. Both guys are happily married, and Will has a child of his own. Will is an investment banker and Warner is on the police force for Polk County.

They are both stand-up guys, great family men, and I feel lucky that they consider me family.

“It was a mistake—the guy, not the child. I will never consider my baby an accident, more of a blessing really.” He doesn’t have to ask questions as to what my words mean; he knows the details of my life too. “Let’s just say that the guy doesn’t come from the greatest family and the idea of my son or daughter being brought up in that atmosphere is something I can’t allow.”

“Does he know about the baby?” I shake my head. “Are you gonna tell him?”

I let his question roll around in my mind, and I know that part of my decision may seem selfish to some. But I can’t take a chance, I have to keep my child and myself safe.

“I just want to live by the story I gave you. The one where I went to bed one night and woke up the next morning pregnant. You know, kind of like a kiss from an angel or something, that’s what I’m sticking to.”

He stares at me, scanning over my face for a few seconds as if waiting for me to show any signs of sadness. But I told myself I’m done with that time. I’m home now, safe with those who love me. I left behind the darkness and hate the moment we saw the Welcome to Ankeny, Iowa sign. It’s over, it has to be.

“Is this guy dangerous?” If he asked me that a month ago I would have said only to my libido, but now I’m not so sure. “Should any of us be worried?”

“No, nothing like that.” The last thing I want is for Warner to go snooping around into the life of the Gunthers. It may trigger a panic alert and I don’t want any of those people to get wind of where it is I’ve disappeared to. “His family is just controlling and judgmental, and I found that he wasn’t the sweet guy I thought he was. Turns out he’s a real ladies’ man and I wouldn’t doubt that I’m not the only woman running around with a Jake bun in the oven.”

He narrows his eyes.

“Really, I’m fine.” I feel my hands grow clammy. “I’m where I should be, surrounded by a great support system. This baby is gonna have so much love and that to me is almost perfect.” I want this subject to be forgotten, but I have a feeling they will all be watching me closely for months to come.

“When are you and Whitney supposed to get the keys to your new place?” I am thankful he got the hint and feel relieved that the subject of my child’s father is now past.

“Saturday morning.” I feel happy once again over our next move—a three-bedroom, two bath townhouse, move-in ready. It helps to have a connection with a kick-ass Realtor^® in the area. Whitney’s mom has worked the real estate field since she was nineteen and with her help, we landed the perfect place not far from the Flannigan’s homestead, with the best price. Things are looking up for us, and I know that her family won’t allow us to fall. They are great that way, loving, and supportive no matter what the circumstances may be.

“Marcy’s parents are downsizing and she managed to reserve a truckload of stuff for the two of you before they donated it or sold it to someone else.” My heart feels as though it grows in my chest. This is what I’m talking about, that love and support. “She snatched up a living room set, kitchen table, and chairs. I know she said there was some kitchen ware too, but I can’t vouch for what exactly that means.”

Before I can stop myself, I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him in for a hug.

“Your wife is amazing, but then again I’d expect nothing less because you're pretty great too.” He hugs me in return, giving me a sense of security I am in desperate need of but will never ask for. “Don’t let that go to your head though.”

“I won’t,” he replies with a chuckle. “I already know it to be true, so it’s not like you announcing it is a surprise.”

I roll my eyes but still hold him close. I guess I just need a little comfort. I am scared, terrified even, of the future. I’m going to be a mom, the life of an innocent child will be soon placed in my hands, and my biggest fear is that in some way I’ll damage them. I have absolutely no idea how to be a mother, how to guide someone to make the right choices…because I’ve spent my life making all the wrong ones.