Jake

I knock lightly before carefully pushing open the door with caution. “Hello,” I purposely keep my stare focused on the wall opposite the door in case she is indecent. “Tell me you’re dressed this time.”

“If pajamas classify as dressed, then yes.” Sadie sits on the chair just to the left of her bed and offers me a half-hearted smile when my gaze finally connects with hers.  

“Hey, pajamas are a step up from yesterday’s attire.”

I notice the reddening of her cheeks as she looks away from me quickly. Never again will I enter without announcing my presence first. I’ve grown to care for Sadie over the last year, but nothing has ever or will ever go beyond friendship. I don’t need to see her in anything less than fully clothed, especially not in her underwear and that alone. It was like seeing my kid sister half nude, and correct me if I’m wrong, but that shit feels wrong in the worst sense of the word.

I feel like I owe Sadie. After all, it was my doing that finalized the ending of her relationship with Blair. Just thinking her name alone deepens the ache I have felt every day since she drove away without looking back.

Both Sadie and I hit rock bottom after that. Once my family was placed behind bars, without the chance of ever seeing life outside a maximum security prison, I fell apart. I’ll admit I did things I wish I could take back. The guilt ate away at me, knowing that I was responsible for what happened to Blair. I should have somehow warned her, or hid her away safe, and I failed her. Part of me sometimes feels guilt from the joy I have knowing my family is now locked away.

Then I remember the things they’ve cost me and that guilt fades.

All of that, though, didn’t stop me from falling into darkness. I know without a doubt had it not been for Detective Farris I most likely would’ve someday joined my brother and father. He didn’t give up on me; he didn’t let me become the person I swore I never would. His persistence and loyalty really led me to the place I am now.

Sadie deserves more too, and I’m going to make sure she realizes that.

“How you feeling today?” I sit down on the edge of her bed.

“Better than yesterday.” The sadness in her eyes is always the same. “But that’s the goal, right? One step at a time.”

Sadie is one week away from completing a six-month program. It’s designed to not only help her with her addiction, but also to find the root of her struggles and teach her how to face them without the help of drugs, alcohol, and even sex.

“Never backward, always forward.” I recite the same statement I’ve heard her say many times before.

“Focus on the good and forgive myself for the bad.”

“That’s right.”

She lifts her gaze to meet mine once more and again smiles. Only this time it seems less forced than before.

“So have you thought of where you’ll go from here?”

I see a flash of discomfort in her eyes as she worries her lip. With a nod, she fists her hands in her lap. “It haunts me every day.”

She too is struggling with her place, wondering what will happen next. I hope what I’m about to offer can one day give us both the peace we wish for.

“I was thinking…” I wait for her to look in my direction once again. Her long lashes bat as she blinks a time or two when her emerald eyes focus on mine. “Getting out of the city, starting over someplace new might be the best option for the both of us.”

“Both?”

“Yeah.” I lean forward and rest my elbows on my knees, getting a better look at her. “Iowa, maybe?”

Her eyes widen for a split second, surprised I’m sure. I’ve tried more times than I can count to get her to tell me where Blair had gone, but never once did she ever violate that loyalty she felt she owed Blair. She refused to hurt her any more than she already had, and it only made me realize how much she regretted the choices she made, the mistakes of her past.

“You forget I now have my own ways of finding things out.” It is my turn to smile. “So what do ya say? Ever been to Iowa?”

“I can’t go there, Jake.” Her lower lip trembles almost immediately and it tugs at the space I now have for her in my heart. “They are better off without me rocking the safety they’ve found. You too.” Sadie’s eyes fill with tears. “You showing up there is only gonna bring back a time I know they just want to forget.”

She may be right, but I’ve thought about finding her for weeks, months even. “What my family did to her is something that’ll also haunt me. She hates me for the lies I told and the part I played in it all, I know this.” I pause, thinking over my thoughts, the same thoughts I’ve analyzed almost daily. “There hasn’t been a day that I haven’t thought of her, Sadie. Every time I close my eyes I swear I see her smile, hear her laughter in the streets. I’ve looked around more than once positive that I’ll see her, and left disappointed when I don’t. I’ve tried to forget her, but here I am a year later, still feeling the same way I did that first time I saw her. Hooked, captivated, and engrossed by her. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move on if I don’t at least give it a try.”

“What if she’s not there anymore?”

“She is.” I’ve verified Blair’s location, more than once.

“And if she refuses to see you,” she takes in a shuddering breath, “tells you to stay away from her?”

“That’s a chance I’m willing to take.”

I’m a city boy, always have been. I’ve never been outside of Chicago unless you count the occasional trip I’d gone on as a child. Ankeny, Iowa was like a whole different world to me. Gone were the tall skyscrapers and in their place were small store fronts and diners. Kids played in yards and parks like the fear of being harmed was nonexistent. It is peaceful really, surreal even.

I glance over to the passenger side of my Dodge Challenger to find Sadie with the same mesmerized look on her face. Her own head is whipping from side to side, scanning over the areas as we slowly ease by. She’s been so isolated with her treatments that I’m sure this seems like a dream, more than reality.

“What do you think about grabbing something for dinner before we check into the hotel?” She only nods, still looking thoroughly mesmerized by her surroundings.

I ease through the intersection, in search of the first diner or restaurant I can find, my stomach choosing that moment to growl hungrily. This of course gains laughter from Sadie.

“How about there?” she asks, pointing to our left.

Spencer’s—a lit up blue sign with red accents almost beckons us. At this point a gas station burrito would be good enough for me. I didn’t realize how hungry I truly was since during the entire trip I’d been so bound in knots from the inside out that focusing on anything else seemed impossible. But now that we’re here, the idea that I’m in the same place as Blair once again both excites me and terrifies me.

“Looks good to me.” I turn into the parking lot and find the first available spot I can. The smell of grilled food fills the air around us. Sadie is the first out of the car as she rounds the side and passes the front waving her hand out before her. She seems more relaxed now that the city is behind us, and I assume it’s due to all the temptation she feels is left behind too. No longer does she have to go back to the life that led her to drugs, among other things.

“Let’s move it, granny.” She tilts her head to the side and places her hands on her hips, portraying impatience.  I love seeing how carefree she is. We both struggled over the last year and in the end found a connection to one another. She quickly became my best friend, right alongside Farris.

I step up to her side, bump her shoulder with my own and she laughs loudly, the sound of it easing a small amount of my anxiety.

That is until we start to walk toward the restaurant. I stumble and bump into Sadie’s back as she pauses. I don’t have to look twice to know what I’m seeing. I think I felt her before I watched her exit the restaurant.

Blair.

Her hair seems longer now, even though it’s pulled back in a high ponytail. A pair of black slacks hug her hips securely, a tight blue T-shirt shows off her trim waist. It’s almost as if the impact of seeing her hits me so damn hard the wind is instantly knocked from my lungs.

But the worst part about it is the tall man at her side. The one with his arm over her shoulders as they walk side by side, together. Both of them are wearing bright smiles and the sound of her laughter echoes across the parking lot, feeling like another kick to my stomach.

She looks happy.

“You still think coming here was a good idea?” Sadie whispers the question over her shoulder as she watches me close. Only I don’t respond, because I can’t. Instead I remain exactly where I am as I watch Blair walk off with some guy. The entire scene feels as though it’s a movie playing in slow motion.