Chapter 37

Elle

It was getting late when Gris pulled into a gas station on the side of the road. Elle glanced at the gas gauge on the dashboard. They still had half a tank.

“Why are you stopping?” she said.

He looked at her, and it was the first time since leaving him that she could see him for who he really was. She’d spent so many years loving him, that she hadn’t seen his flaws before. He’d been a god to her. After the childhood she’d had, having a man to stand up for her and protect her held an almost irresistible appeal. She’d forgiven him all his sins, all his shortcomings, and forced herself to love him.

She shouldn’t have. Even at the time, she should have known better. He didn’t deserve her love. There were a million warning signs that another girl would have picked up on. The way he was forceful with her in the bedroom, it wasn’t the kinky sort of play that she enjoyed, it was aggressive and threatening. The way he never did little, kind things for her. The way he lost his temper and got violent.

She’d always prayed that she’d one day have a guy who woke her up in the morning before work, just to give her a kiss goodbye. Or who came home from work in the evening with a little token of his love, some flowers, a cupcake from the bakery, even a story about something that had happened to him during the day.

But that wasn’t the man she got. Gris had never done any of those things. Not even at the very beginning. Elle knew now why she’d accepted it. She’d read that people accept the love they think they deserve. When she was younger, she’d believed that was all she deserved. It was just a few short years ago, but she’d really suffered from low self-esteem and didn’t dare to believe that she deserved a man who treated her the way she’d always wanted to be treated. So she’d accepted what Gris had to offer her, which wasn’t much.

She’d tried to make the most of it. She’d tried to give him so much love and kindness that he turned around and started loving her back. But it hadn’t worked out that way. That’s why she left. She’d finally found her courage and gotten out of that situation.

The reason it took so long was because of fear. She’d have left far sooner if she hadn’t been so afraid of Gris. The first time he hit her, she thought she was imagining it. She thought she was having a flashback to her time with Los Lobos, or one of the foster homes she’d been placed in after being rescued from Los Lobos by the authorities. But so quickly, Gris’s violence and abuse became her new reality. Before long, it was normal to her. She accepted it, again because she thought it was all she deserved.

She’d gone from worshipping him like a god, to fearing him like the devil.

But now, as she looked at him driving into the gas station, the snow falling gently all around them, she didn’t see a god or a devil.

All she saw was a man. And if you can see a man, you can also see the little boy that he once was. Every man contains the child he started out as. And that’s what Elle could see now. She could see why Gris was always so mean to everyone. She could see why he was so cruel to her. It didn’t come from a place of strength. It wasn’t because he was more powerful than she was. It was because he was weak.

“What are we doing here, Gris?” she said. “Are you going to let me go?”

“Of course not,” Gris said, letting out a little laugh.

“Why not, Gris? You know you’ll have to eventually. You can’t keep me forever. Not against my will.”

“It won’t be against your will forever, Elle,” he said. “You’ll change your mind. You’ll love me again, like you used to. I know you will.”

“I never loved you, Gris. I thought I did, but it wasn’t love.”

“How can you say that?” he said. There was genuine sadness in his voice and Elle felt a pang of sympathy for him, despite what he was doing to her and what he’d done to Forrester.

“Because I didn’t know who I was, Gris. And if you don’t know who you are, you can’t really love another person. Not properly, anyway.”

“What do you mean, you didn’t know who you were?”

“Think about it, Gris. You know the story of my childhood. You’re the only person I ever told it to.”

“Yeah, I know it. So what? I didn’t exactly have a rosy childhood myself.”

“I know that,” Elle said. “But it meant that when you met me, when you came along, I was still trying to figure out the really basic things about my life. I was trying to figure out who I was, what I wanted, what kind of a person I was going to become. I didn’t know what I wanted, Gris. I didn’t know what I deserved.”

“And now you do?”

“Yes. I do.”

“And you deserve more than me, is that it?”

Elle looked at him compassionately. Despite wanting desperately to leave him, she still found it difficult to tell him this. She wasn’t used to asking for what she wanted, or saying it out loud.

“That is it, Gris. I want more. And I deserve more.”

“What’s so bad about my love?” Gris said, becoming strangely vulnerable all of a sudden.

“Nothing,” Elle said. “It is what it is. And I hope you can continue to grow, and become a more loving person in the future. If you do, you’ll be able to give some girl, some day, the love she deserves.”

“But not you?”

“Not me, Gris. I’ve already found the love I want, back in Stone Peak. And I want to be with him. Forrester claimed my heart. I’m his now, and nothing you can do will be able to change that.”

Gris nodded. He knew that what Elle was saying was true, but it was still hard for him to accept. Perhaps it was too hard. Elle couldn’t tell. All she knew was that she no longer feared Gris. She just hoped, for his own sake, that he wouldn’t cause trouble for himself and get into a fight with Forrester.

Forrester was the exact opposite of Gris. Forrester had real strength. If it came to a fight, Forrester might kill Gris. He would only do it if he had to. Elle knew that. But it would still be a tragedy for Gris. It wasn’t his fault that he came from where he came from. It wasn’t his fault that bad things had happened to him when he was a child. But it was his responsibility now to overcome it, and become a better man than his own father had been. He was responsible for the man he would become, same as everyone else, and he still had a chance to make some woman happy some day. If he only made the right decisions now.

Gris locked the doors.

“We’re going to sleep here for a few hours. I can’t drive in this weather without some rest.”

“We’ll freeze,” Elle said.

“I’ll keep the engine running so that we have heat.”

“What if I’m not here when you wake up?” Elle said.

Gris shrugged. “You’ll be here, Elle. Because we’re still not far from Stone Peak. If you’re not here when I wake up, I’m going back to that jail, and I’m killing that man you think you’re in love with. You’re not in love with him. It’s an infatuation, plain and simple.”

Elle sighed. She’d thought she was getting through to him. She’d thought he might let her go. It was probably too much to hope that someone could change that much in such a short time. Over time, Gris might become a better man, but not today. You can’t expect miracles from people, especially after they’ve had a life like Gris’s.