Chapter 9

Lacey

I felt like such an idiot, crying right in front of him. The orgasm was amazing. Being with Grant was amazing. It was a dream come true. So why was I ruining it by bursting into tears like an idiot?

Because I knew it was only going to last one night.

He’d said it, over and over again. We’d have this one night of passion. It would be our little secret. He’d never ask me to do this again. He’d promised.

I didn’t understand. He wanted me, but did he really only want me once? Didn’t he want this to go on and on, again and again, forever? Didn’t he want to make something out of it? Didn’t he want me?

I’d agreed to making love reluctantly, but it wasn’t for the reason he thought. He thought he had to play things down to convince me. He thought I’d only agree to this if I knew it was a one-night-stand. He didn’t know me at all. That was the exact opposite of what I needed to hear.

He emphasized the fact it would only be this one time, and all the while, I was secretly praying it might lead to more.

That’s why I was crying. I didn’t want it to be just once. I didn’t want a dirty little secret. I wanted something that would last. I wanted it to become something more, something real. I wanted more than just sex. I wanted a full blown relationship with Grant. God, I had to keep my mouth shut before I made a complete fool of myself.

“Lacey,” he said, trying to turn me around. “What’s the matter? Did I hurt you?”

“It’s nothing, Grant.”

“It’s something.”

“I’ll be fine. I’m just feeling emotional.”

“Emotional?”

He said it like he was surprised. Didn’t he know that emotions were always involved when people had sex? Was it really such a big surprise? It wasn’t just about sex. We weren’t animals. We were people, with feelings, and vulnerabilities, and secret hopes and wishes.

I was making a fool out of myself. I would be so humiliated if he realized the reason I was crying was because I wanted more than he was willing to offer me.

“It’s been a while since I’ve been made love to like that,” I said. “That’s why I’m crying.”

Then I bit my tongue. Was that what we’d been doing? Had we made love? Or were we just fucking? Luckily Grant didn’t catch the distinction.

“Me neither,” he said, rolling onto his side to face me.

I felt a momentary loss as his penis slid out of me. I was wet inside, his stickiness all over me, but already I knew I was losing him. He’d done what he’d wanted to do. Now he was ready to move on.

I looked into his dark eyes and then forced myself to look away, letting my eyes gaze over his naked body. His arms were so thick, so perfectly formed, the deep colors of the tattoo ink drawing my attention. His back was like a contour map, muscular hills and valleys leading all the way to the perfect valley between his buttocks.

“Are you all right, Lacey?”

“Of course I am. I just got a little overwhelmed. That was pretty intense.”

“It was,” he agreed.

“Calling each other husband and wife. What was that?”

He shrugged. He wasn’t taking things lightly, he looked serious and thoughtful, it was just that he’d made it so abundantly clear that this was a one time thing, it made me want to cry again. Why didn’t he want me again? It made no sense. If he’d wanted my for seventeen years, why didn’t he want me for more than one night?

“I don’t know, Lacey. I just thought, I guess, it was part of some fantasy I had in my mind. I’m sorry if it upset you. It was silly.”

“Silly?” I said.

“Yes.”

I took a deep breath. I knew I should drop the subject, I should have pretended to be fine and maintained whatever dignity I could, but some part of me had to keep the conversation going.

“I guess it’s just a little surprising, coming from the man who says he doesn’t believe in marriage,” I said.

“I think marriage is a false promise,” he said.

“I know, Grant. You’ve said it a million times. People have a better chance of being elected president than finding their soulmate.”

“That’s not what I say.”

“You say something like that.”

He nodded. “True.”

“So why did you want us to cry out husband and wife as we climaxed?”

He shrugged. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it would upset you. It was just a sort of … fetish.”

“A fetish? You’re kidding me.”

“I don’t know. Not a fetish. You know what I mean.”

“No, Grant. I don’t know what you mean. All I know is that you made it perfectly clear this was to be a one night stand, that it wasn’t going to go anywhere, that I shouldn’t get attached to anything, but then, right at the most intense moment, you want me to cry out husband. It’s a head game.”

“A head game? Lacey, I’m sorry if that upset you, but it was just a fantasy, like wearing a stewardess costume. It was role-play.”

“Husbands and wives aren’t role-play, Grant. That’s real life. That’s what women expect. A fantasy is a hunky police officer handcuffing you to a chair at a bachelorette party, or a fireman grinding on his hose. Husbands? That’s reality. That’s what we’re allowed to hope for.”

“Hope for? Lacey. What are you talking about?”

Shit. What was I saying? I was making an absolute idiot of myself. I was giving away too much. I didn’t know what I was doing. All I knew was that my emotions were in a hurricane of confusion and I had better shut up if I didn’t want to say something I’d regret.

“I’m just saying, Grant, that maybe it’s not a good idea to play with girls’ feelings about marriage. I know you don’t want to get married, but that doesn’t mean you can just use the idea as a fantasy to play out. Especially when the person you’re playing with might think differently about marriage.”

“You’d get married?”

“I can’t believe you’re even asking me that. Of course I would. One day.”

“Oh, Lacey. Sorry. I had no idea.”

“What do you mean, you had no idea? Do you think I’m just some sort of slut who wants to sleep around for her entire life? Do you think I don’t deserve to hope for marriage one day with someone amazing?”

“Lacey, of course I don’t think that.”

“That’s what it sounds like.”

“No, I didn’t mean that at all. I guess I just never thought about it.”

“Why should it be such a big surprise for me to admit I’d like to get married one day? It’s perfectly normal.”

“You’re right. Of course it is. I guess, I don’t know. I’m sorry Lacey. I just assumed you felt the way I did.”

“And how’s that?”

“That marriage is a fraud. That it’s a fairy tale. That a sane adult should be more interested in finding out who they really are, than in tying the knot with some random person they happen to like having sex with.”

Tears formed in my eyes. It was so stupid. I knew Grant thought all those things about marriage. He was a good guy, but his ideas on family life were royally screwed up. It was the result of the horrible childhood he’d had to endure. I knew it all. It shouldn’t have shocked me.

But after what we’d just done. After making love, without a condom, and crying out husband and wife at climax, I couldn’t help take it all personally. It was as if he wasn’t just saying that marriage was a mistake, but that marriage with me specifically would be a big mistake.

I was crying. I was so embarrassed I could die.

“Would you mind giving me a few moments to get ready?” I said. “I’d like to freshen up before rejoining the party.”

“Lacey, I never intended to upset you like this. I’m really sorry.”

“I’m fine, Grant. Really.”

“Are you sure?”

I wiped my eyes. My makeup would be a complete mess but I had a compact.

“Of course I’m sure. I was being silly, that’s all. It happens after I make love. I get emotional.”