Chapter 5

Lacey

“What’s this?” I said, pulling down an old envelope, its paper worn with age.

Grant was surprised when he saw it.

“Oh, shit,” he said. “Here, give that to me.”

He’d never looked handsomer than he did at that moment. He was wearing an impeccable tuxedo, its crisp lines contrasting with his muscular, tattooed frame. He carried an old fashioned lamp in one hand, and with the other he held the ladder. His hair was combed, a rare sight for Grant, but it still refused to be tamed. His curls fell down around his face like ivy.

I was about to hand him the envelope when something about his urgency stopped me. What was so important about it?

“Not so fast,” I said.

“Lacey, come on. It’s private.”

I looked at him. “Can I take a peek?” I said, mischievously.

He sighed. Then he shrugged.

“Fine,” he said, “but pass me the flask first.”

I reached back up to the beam and this time found the metal bottle he’d intended me to find the first time. I unscrewed the lid and took a swig of the aged whiskey before passing it to him.

The envelope contained photographs and a letter. I tipped it and the small bundle of old photographs slid into my hand.

“What are these?” I said.

“We’re adults now,” he said. “I suppose you can see for yourself.”

I looked at them and gasped. They were pictures of me. Not naughty, I wasn’t naked or anything, just portraits that had been hanging in the hall of the mansion until we took them down for a remodel years ago.

There was one of me at my high school graduation. I remembered the day clearly. Me in my hat and gown holding my diploma. Grant had taken the picture. That was before the other brothers had come to live with us.

Another was of me on Mustang, the wild horse Grant had broken and given to me for my nineteenth birthday. My hair was long and wavy, flowing over my shoulders in billowing curls. It was one of my favorite shots.

Another was of me in my prom dress, taken on our wraparound staircase before my date arrived. I remembered thinking it was the most beautiful I’d ever looked in my life up to that point.

“How long have you had these?” I said.

He took a swig of the whiskey before answering. “A long time.”

“What were you doing with them?”

He was embarrassed. He didn’t answer.

“Grant,” I said insistently.

He came toward me and handed me the hip flask. Then he took the envelope and photos from my hand and put them back up on the beam. I hadn’t even read the letter but now I wasn’t sure I wanted to. What would it say?

“I didn’t mean for you to see those,” he said. “I hope they didn’t upset you.”

“Why do you have them?”

“That’s not important,” he said, sitting on a bale of hay.

“Of course it’s important.”

“Why?” he said. “Why is it important?”

“It’s important because I want to know. We’ve lived together since I was seventeen. What are you doing with photos of me?”

He looked at me as if apologizing for a crime. “All right. If you’re going to force it out of me. There was a time when I had a crush on you, Lacey.”

I felt my cheeks redden. “That doesn’t explain having my picture.”

“It wasn’t just a little crush. It was an all encompassing, all mighty obsession. It burned inside me like a fire. I tried to get over it, I tried not to think of you in that way, but I couldn’t.”

“So you brought pictures of me out to the barn for what reason?”

I looked at him questioningly.

“Are you really going to make me spell it out?” he said.

My head was spinning. How did I feel about this? I mean, I’d had my fantasies about him, but this was different. Or was it? Was it exactly the same?

“Tell me.”

“I fantasized about you, Lacey. I didn’t want to disrespect your father by doing it under his roof, so I came out here to look at your photos.”

I could hardly believe what I was hearing. “This doesn’t make any sense.”

“You were pretty, Lacey. In fact, you were hot, smoking hot.”

“I was never hot.”

Memories of all the insults I’d ever received as a child flashed before my mind. All those kids calling me fat, calling me a pig, laughing at me when I ate. No matter how much weight I lost, I’d never forget those words.

“You’ve always been a beauty. You know that.”

“No I don’t,” I said, my cheeks burning with embarrassment.

“You knew it back then. That’s why you gave me such a hard time. It was torture living with you and never being able to make a move. You knew I wanted you.”

I was dumbfounded. “You wanted to make a move on me?”

“Of course I did. Why do you think I teased you about so many things?”

My eyes filled with tears. I didn’t even know why. “What did you do with the photos?” I blurted without thinking.

“What do you think? I jerked off, thinking about you.”

“Is this a joke?” I gasped.

“I forgot the pictures were up there. You shouldn’t have seen them. I’m sorry.”

I looked at him. I didn’t know how to feel. Was I offended? I didn’t think I was. I mean, I felt I should have been offended in some way, but I wasn’t. He’d had a crush on me all this time? That wasn’t a crime. If it was, I was just as guilty as him.

He was no worse than I was. I’d masturbated while spying on him through my bedroom window. I wasn’t about to tell him that. I would literally die if he ever found that out. I had to play it cool. I’d pretend to be a little shocked, even though I was secretly thrilled at the thought of him hiding up here, jerking off, fantasizing about me.

I tried to picture his cock, what it would have looked like while he stroked it to orgasm using pictures of me. Then I shook my head and forced my mind back to the present.

“Are you upset?” he said.

“I don’t know, Grant.”

“You shouldn’t be. It was a long time ago, and it was really innocent. I swear I tried to resist. I just couldn’t help it. I was young, my hormones were raging. You know how it is.”

“I’m not upset, Grant. I understand. It’s just, it’s surprising is all. I was used to thinking of you in a certain way, and now I find out that you’ve got my prom photo in your porn stash.”

“It’s not like that, Lacey.”

“I know,” I said, softening my tone, “but Grant, what am I supposed to feel? We’ve known each other our whole lives.”

“Feel whatever you want to feel.”

I laughed. “You obviously don’t know women very well, giving advice like that.”

He smiled.

“We should get back to the party,” I said. “They’ll be looking for us.”

A jazz quartet had started playing, and we could hear the romantic music through the slatted walls of the barn. I felt awkward and wanted to escape.

I’ll admit I was thrilled to find out Grant had had a crush on me, even if it was years ago. It made me feel a little less guilty about all the fantasizing I’d done about him, but it was still definitely very uncomfortable. It was as if I’d invaded his privacy, even though he was the one with my photos. This was his private place. He was allowed to think what he wanted in the privacy of his own mind, wasn’t he? I shouldn’t have looked in the envelope. It was his, not mine, even if the photos in it were of me.

I stood.

“Don’t leave,” he said. “Not yet.”

“Grant,” I said. “I’m not upset. It was harmless, a few photos. It’s understandable, I suppose, given the circumstances of our life back then.”

I felt awful for being so hypocritical. I mean, I’d basically done the same thing he’d done.

“We should get back to the wedding,” I said. “They’ll notice we’re not there.”

“They’ll survive without us,” he said. “Please don’t leave yet, Lacey.”

I looked at him. I knew him better than anyone else in the world. Apart from my father, I’d spent more of my life with Grant than with anyone. But as I stood next to him, I realized just how rarely it was that he ever asked me for anything.

“All right,” I said. “I’ll stay a little longer.”

“Thank you,” he said.

He looked thoughtful, like he was remembering something.

“I know this is awkward,” he said, “but you have to admit, I had pretty good taste in girls.”

I laughed, more out of relief that he’d lightened the mood, than at the humor. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I could have had pictures of anyone up here. I could have had Playboy, or pinups of nude girls, or even straight up porn.”

“But you chose me?”

“Damn right, I did.”

I smiled. “Well, we did spend a lot of time together back then.”

“I wish it could have been more.”

“Yeah,” I laughed, “and ten dollars says I can guess what you’d have liked to be doing.”

He laughed.

The awkwardness had left. It gave me the confidence to ask a serious question. I cleared my throat. “I always thought you’d have gone for one of the popular girls. The hot crowd.”

“You were the hot girl, Lacey.”

“No I wasn’t. What about the cheerleaders? That whole group?”

“You’ve always been out of their league,” he said.

“Come on.”

He looked genuinely shocked. “Are you kidding me, Lacey? Those girls couldn’t hold a candle to you. Every guy in the valley knows that. They still can’t hold a candle to you.”

“You’re just being nice because you feel bad.”

“Screw that,” he said. “You were the most beautiful girl in the valley, and you’re even more beautiful now than you were then.”

I looked at him but looked away quickly. It was like all my best dreams, and all my worst nightmares, were coming true at once.

I knew what I had to do. I knew I had to climb down that ladder and pretend nothing had happened, that I’d never seen the photos. I could take it as the compliment it was, but it could never go any further than that.

The next time I found myself awake in my bed, alone, fantasizing about Grant, I could picture him pleasuring himself over my prom photo, but that was it. I had to climb down that ladder and never look back. Some fruits are forbidden for a reason.

“You look very beautiful in that dress,” he said.

I looked down at myself. I was exactly the same fit as my mother, and I must have looked just as she had on her wedding day. It brought tears to my eyes to think of it.