Chapter Twenty-Eight

Jordan

I don't know how things ended up like this.

As I lie in my bed, Claus snores softly beside me but I can't seem to sleep. My thoughts restlessly bounce around in my head as I stare at the ceiling.

One moment everything was perfect. Lance, Claus and I were a happy family getting ready to celebrate the best Christmas ever. The next moment we were thrown back into the shadows of the past.

It's as if the past suddenly sensed the future showing up and wouldn't let it take over without a fight.

I turn on my side and hug my pillow tight.

Why did Kevin suddenly have to show up now?

I'm not mad at him for coming home. I have no right to be. He's the one who's been supporting Claus and me all this time, after all. He was there for me when Lance wasn't. Also, I can never be mad at him after what I've done to him.

Kevin may be alright now, but I still remember how he looked on that hospital bed. I still remember how he cried in anguish when he found out he'd lost some of his memories. He pretended not to care about them. He tried to put on a smile and look on the bright side. But when he thought he was alone, I saw him crying and it broke my heart.

He lost so much because of me.

He lost his company. He lost a lot of money. For a moment there, he even lost his way, his will to live. He managed to pick himself up and find a job. Somehow, he found the strength to start over, even if it was from square one. That's why I admire him more than anyone.

But I'll never forget how he looked when he was at his weakest. And I'll never forget that it was because of me.

If I hadn't left his Christmas party, I would never have run into Lance. If I hadn't drunk so much, I wouldn't have let him sweep me off my feet. I wouldn't have gotten pregnant.

Even after that, I could still have been more careful. I could have hidden the pregnancy test somewhere safer. I could have given him some made-up name about who put a baby in me. I could have stopped him from leaving the house that night, from rushing into that storm.

But I didn't. I failed him. Even though Kevin was always there for me, I failed him and he nearly lost everything.

After that, I swore I'd never fail him again. But isn't that what I'm doing right now?

I'm engaged to the man he least wanted for me, the man he wanted to beat to a pulp and would probably still want to if he hadn't lost his memories.

And what if he regains them? The doctor said there was a possibility. What if I have to choose between the two of them?

I shake my head. I refuse to think of that. If I do, I might go crazy.

Even so, I can't seem to sleep, so I get out of bed and go downstairs. I think of making myself a cup of hot chocolate, but then I hear the TV. I see Kevin on the couch.

"Can't sleep?" he asks me.

I nod.

He pats the space on the couch beside him. I reluctantly sit.

"What's wrong? You seem scared," he says.

"Scared? And of what would I be scared? You?" I snort.

Kevin pinches my cheek. "Now that's my brave little sister."

I rub my cheek. "I'm not little anymore."

His smile vanishes. "No. You're not."

He takes my left hand and looks at the diamond ring that has been added to it since the last time he saw me.

"Tell me about him."

"Lance?"

He nods. "You've never told me about Claus's father before."

That was because I was afraid he'd remember Lance. And he'd remember my sin.

Wait. Have I been secretly hoping his memories will never return even though I should be helping him remember them? What kind of a sister, a person am I?

"Where did the two of you meet?" Kevin asks.

"Boston," I answer. "Where I used to study. I went to this party and he was there, too."

"I see. What does he do?"

"I thought you asked him. What exactly did the two of you talk about?"

"Oh, I just gave him a bit of a warning," he says.

My eyebrows arch. "A warning?"

"As long as he doesn't hurt you, we'll be the best of friends."

I sigh. "You didn't have to do that."

"Why not? I'm still your big brother." He pats my shoulder. "You know you can count on me to always watch your back."

But maybe that's the problem. Maybe I shouldn't have counted on him so much.

"So, what are our plans this Christmas? A tree, huh? That's new."

I nod. "Claus picked it."

"And what does he want for Christmas this year?"

"Oh, you don't have to get him anything," I tell him.

"Because Lance is here?"

I fall silent. Have I said something to hurt him?

"You and Claus no longer need me because Lance is here, right?"

I shake my head. "That's not true. That's not what I was trying to say at all. I just... I'm grateful for everything you've done for us, but I want you to think of yourself, too, to live for yourself."

This time, he falls silent.

"Kevin..."

"You know, I've never told you this, but you're the reason why I survived. If I didn't have you, if I didn't have a little sister to look after, if I didn't have you and Claus counting on me, I probably wouldn't have pulled through."

My eyes grow wide.

Kevin gazes right into them. "What I'm saying is I'm happy that I had someone to live for, and I've been happy all these years."

I should be moved. Instead, all I feel is guilt.

Don't be happy, idiot. I'm not the reason you survived. I didn't save you. I was the one who failed you.

But I can't seem to say those words out loud. So I say nothing.

He reaches for my hand. "Maybe I'm being selfish, but I don't want Lance to take you and Claus away from me."

And I can't stand to see anything else taken from him.

"What are you talking about?" I ask him. "We're all a family."

"Are we?"

"Tell you what. Audrey's Christmas party is tomorrow night. Why don't we all go, hmm? You remember her, don't you?"

His eyebrows crease. "Um, no."

"The woman who lives down the street and thinks she owns this town."

"I think I remember."

"I'm sure she won't mind me bringing you along. She probably has more than enough food to feed a hundred guests."

Kevin smiles. "Yeah. Why not?"

~

As usual, Audrey's party is just like her - over the top, loud and sparkly. Three Christmas trees stand in her foyer and the great room of her house has been cleared of all its elegant furniture to make room for all the food - heaping plates of pasta, roast beef, roast chicken, ham and the cupcakes and brownies that she probably ordered from Dover - and all her guests. There seem to be even more people here than there were at the annual Christmas dance.

"Just as you'd expect from Audrey, huh?" Lance says as he takes a sip from a glass of champagne.

"Just," I agree as I munch on a brownie.

It's not as moist as mine, but it's not bad.

"I'm surprised Kevin's here."

I cast a glance in his direction. He and Claus are looking at the ice sculptures across the room.

"Why? He's part of the family, too," I say.

"That's not what I meant, Jordan. I just meant I was surprised that he agreed to come."

"Really? So you're okay with this?"

"With him being your brother? I'm surprised, of course, but it's not like I can change that."

I say nothing.

"Of course, I wouldn't have been surprised if you'd told me."

I narrow my eyes at him. "Are you accusing me of something?"

"Nothing." He takes another sip.

"Maybe it's like you and the press. I didn't want to have to deal with... this issue until I absolutely had to."

"He was the reason you were fighting me so hard in the beginning, right?" he asks.

"What makes you say that?"

"There must have been a reason."

"You mean other than the fact that you were a jerk?"

"Jerk I may have been, but I'm still Claus's father and you tried to keep him from me. There had to be a bigger reason."

I look at him. "But I didn't succeed, did I? What's the point of this trip down memory lane?"

"You tried to get rid of me because you didn't want me hanging around because you knew Kevin wouldn't like it," he says. "And you didn't tell me about Kevin because you didn't like the idea of him finding out. You felt guilty."

"Shut up," I scold him.

I don't want to think about that right now.

"So do I," he says to my surprise. "I suppose we're partners in crime."

He takes another sip of champagne.

"But at least we're partners."

I look at him with creased eyebrows. Is that supposed to make me feel better?

"Hey." Kevin comes over.

I put on a smile. "Hey."

"Can you watch Claus for a bit? I need to go out for a smoke."

I nod. "Yeah. Sure."

"I'll do it," Lance offers.

Kevin nods before walking off.

Claus tugs on Lance's pants. "Daddy, I want to go upstairs."

"Can we?" Lance asks me.

I glance up at the second floor, where I see a few kids looking down from the railings.

"It's fine," I say. "Just make sure you watch him."

Lance hands me his empty glass and leads Claus away. I look for a place to set it down and decide to get a bit more food to munch on in a corner. I've just sat down when Audrey finds me.

"Where's Lance and Claus?" she asks me.

"Upstairs," I say. "And my brother's outside."

She smiles. "I'm glad you brought everyone. Are you enjoying the party so far?"

"Yeah." I poke my fork into a slice of roast beef. "The food is very good. Even the brownies and cupcakes are good."

"I'm glad you think so. I - "

She stops as someone screams.

I look up and see Claus dangling from the railing. The plate in my hands drops to the floor.

"Claus!" Lance shouts.

He grabs Claus's hand.

"Don't worry, I've got you."

I should do something as well, but I just can't seem to move.

Just then, Kevin comes back into the room. He sees what's going on and stands below Claus.

"Let him go," he says. "I'll catch him."

"It's okay," Lance says. "I'll just pull him..."

But suddenly Claus's hand slides down his arm. My heart almost leaps out of my chest.

"Just let him go!" Kevin shouts.

Lance frowns but does as Kevin asks. As Claus falls, my heart seems to sink into my stomach as well. I hold my breath. He falls into Kevin's arms and I gasp.

Kevin's caught him.

But Claus is too heavy and Kevin stumbles backward, right into the table holding the ice sculptures. His head hits the edge of the table.

Finally, my feet begin to move. I scream as I run to my brother.

"Kevin!"