Chapter Eighteen

Jordan

Did I do the right thing?

The question keeps going through my mind as Claus and I construct his gingerbread house. It seems to be coming together well. The walls are already up. The biggest problem is that Claus has eaten most of the decorations - the candy sprinkles, the jelly beans, the meringue kisses, the chocolate buttons and even the gold leaf stars. I guess I'll just have to get more of those.

I know that what I said is true - Claus needs something more than money, something money can't buy. He needs a father, a family. As to what those mean, Lance should figure it out himself.

But was it right for me to tell him he doesn't know what family means? Maybe that was a bit harsh. Also, was it right for me to refuse his offer completely? True, Claus and I get by just fine, but that's only because someone's helping us. Why shouldn't we accept that same help from his father? Besides, as Claus gets older, he'll need more things. He'll need to go to school. He'll need new clothes - every few months, at the rate he's growing. In several years, he'll need his own computer. And what if he gets sick and needs to go to the hospital? Lance can give him the very best of everything, and why shouldn't I let him?

I shake my head.

I do need the money. I know that. I just got frustrated that Lance seemed to be saying that it was all Claus needed, that it was all he had to offer.

I expected more.

I want more.

I let out a sigh as I cup my cheeks. Maybe I'm asking for too much?

"Mommy?" Claus asks.

"Yes?" I quickly perk up.

"Can we show this to Lance when we're finished?"

I freeze. It didn't occur to me that Claus would look for Lance. Why didn't it? How could I have forgotten that he's even more involved in this than I am?

"Mommy?"

"Um... I don't know, sweetie."

Claus looks puzzled. "What don't you know?"

"Maybe Lance is busy today."

"With what?"

Good question.

"Maybe he doesn't like gingerbread," I spout the lousy excuse.

Claus's eyebrows bunch up above his nose. "But this gin... gingabread has no sun-a-moon."

"I know. But..."

"And he doesn't have to eat it. I just want him to see it."

I sigh. "Fine. We'll ask him."

The wide smile that immediately lights up Claus's small face puts a crack in my heart.

So innocent. So oblivious to what's going on with his life right now.

All the more reason for me to do the right thing for him.

I give him a smile as I ruffle his hair. If he wants to see Lance, so be it. There's nothing wrong with that. Who knows? It might even help Lance realize a few things.

"I don't think we'll finish today, though," I say. "We hardly have any decorations left."

"Yes, we do." He grabs a handful of sprinkles from the bowl and lets them rain.

"Well, I guess we can show him the house first," I give in.

Claus gives another wide grin. I run my fingers through his hair.

"I'm sure Lance will be impressed."

~

"I'm sorry, but Lance isn't here," Mrs. Cooper informs Claus and me as we stand on the doorstep of the Marsh house. "He went home."

"Home?" I feel confused.

"His mother had an accident, I believe."

I clasp a hand over my mouth as a gasp escapes my lips.

"Oh, but not a car accident." Mrs. Cooper waves her hand. "She fell or something. So anyway, Lance left."

Claus's face sinks. His chin drops to his chest.

"But now I can't show him my gingabread house."

His lower lip sticks out.

Oh dear. He's not going to cry, is he?

Mrs. Cooper notices it, too. She stoops down and grasps his chin.

"You made a gingerbread house?"

Claus nods.

"I love gingerbread. Will you show me?"

The corners of Claus's mouth twitch up into a faint smile. He gives another nod.

"Let me just get my scarf," Mrs. Cooper says.

As she goes back in, I crouch beside Claus and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Isn't that nice? You'll get to show Mrs. Cooper your gingerbread house."

"But I want Lance to see it, too. Why did he leave?"

"Well, you heard Mrs. Cooper. Something happened to his mother, so he went home."

"I thought this was his home."

I open my mouth to say it isn't, that Lance is just visiting, but I realize the weight of the words and so I leave them unsaid.

My poor Claus. He just assumes the people who come into his life are here to stay.

"Here I am." Mrs. Cooper reappears. She turns to Claus. "Lead the way, young man."

Claus starts walking off. Mrs. Cooper and I follow him towards the house.

"Does Claus know about Lance?" Mrs. Cooper suddenly asks.

At first, I don't understand what she's asking. When it dawns on me, I stop in my tracks.

Mrs. Cooper knows about Claus and Lance?

She glances at me. "I suppose he doesn't. I guess your conversation with Lance didn't go too well, did it? Even before he heard about his mother, he seemed rather confused and upset."

I say nothing.

She reaches for my hand. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."

I shake my head. "It's fine, Mrs. Cooper. I'm grateful for all you've done for Claus."

"Oh, he's such a darling." Mrs. Cooper glances at him.

I nearly chuckle. "You're one of the few to think so."

"Well, people can't expect him to be a saint. He's a boy."

Now I laugh.

"Really, Mrs. Cooper..." I take her arm and rub it. "Thank you for caring for my son and about him."

"I should thank you. I've always wanted a grandchild."

My eyebrows arch. "You... don't have any?"

"My son died before he could have a family and my daughter chose not to have children. Then she, too, left."

I frown. "I'm so sorry to hear it."

Mrs. Cooper sighs. "Frankly, I never thought I'd be alone in the world. I mean, they've all gone before me. And I thought I'd be one of the first to go."

I fall silent. I had no idea Mrs. Cooper had experienced so much tragedy.

"I'm sorry," I mumble again.

It's all I can say.

Mrs. Cooper squeezes my hand. "That's why you must treasure your family. They're irreplaceable, you know. And you never know when you might lose them. It might be sooner than you think."

I nod. Oh, I know that last part so well.

You never know when you might lose someone dear to you. Just like my brother.

My thoughts turn to him and to my parents. Mom and Dad haven't called in a while. I wonder if they're doing fine.

Then something occurs to me. How could I scold Lance for not bothering with his family when I don't pay enough attention to mine? Yes, Mom and Dad are fine because they have each other. But they still have me, too. Yes, I talk to them over the phone every now and then, but maybe I should visit them more often, too. They just live a few hours away.

Just then, Claus stops and turns around. "Is Lance coming back?"

"I think so," Mrs. Cooper answers. "He left his things."

Claus frowns. "Why couldn't he take us with him? I want to go on a trip, too."

"Really?" I pat his head. "Because I was just thinking maybe we should go on a trip ourselves."

~

"Well, this is a surprise," my mother says as we walk to the kitchen.

Claus is with my father in the living room, petting the beagle that he's already grown attached to. Now, I'm sure, he'll pester me even more for a dog of his own.

I take out the ingredients I've brought to make pie and set them on the counter.

"I just thought we'd drop by since we haven't seen you in a while. And well, since Christmas is just around the corner. I hope it's not too much trouble."

"Nonsense." My mother starts preparing her signature hot chocolate. "But you didn't have to come. We're doing fine."

"Do families only visit each other when they're sick or in trouble?" I ask. "If so, we wouldn't be so different from casual acquaintances, would we?"

My mother nods. "Well, it's good you came. Your father gets bored in winter when he can't get out of the apartment as much." She leans towards me. "He's been talking about moving to Hawaii, you know."

"Hawaii?"

"And Claus is so much bigger now."

"He grows so fast," I agree.

"They usually do at this age."

She turns on the electric kettle and sits down. I grab the peeler from a drawer and start peeling one of the apples, but I stop as I hear a sound from the living room. At first I think it's a shriek of pain and my heart stops, but then I realize it's a squeal of joy.

"Will they be okay?" I ask my mother just the same.

"They're fine," she answers. "Your father is happy for the company. And so is Duster."

"Duster?" My eyebrows arch. "The dog?"

"He was our neighbor's dog, but he moved away and left him to us."

I nod. "I see. And Dad can take care of him? The doctor has no objections?"

My mother shakes her head. "The doctor said it might even do him some good."

"Looks like it."

"Well, he still has a hard time doing certain tasks, what with his left hand being paralyzed, but he's doing well. You don't have to worry about him so much."

"He's my father," I say. "Of course I worry."

A moment of silence hovers over us as I peel the apple. Then my mother reaches for my hand.

"I'm sorry."

I turn to her with creased eyebrows. "What for?"

"I've always felt guilty, you know, for not having been there for you more when you had Claus," she confesses.

"Mom." I put down the apple and the peeler.

"And also for not being there for you recently. I wish I could take care of my grandson, take care of you, but..."

"Mom, it's fine," I cut her off. "You're taking care of Dad and it's fine. You took care of me for so long."

She squeezes my hand. "I'm so glad you turned out to be such a fine woman. I was worried, you know, that your life would be ruined when you got pregnant, but look at you."

She touches my cheek.

"You're surviving. And thriving."

I place my hand over hers. "Someone taught me to be strong."

My mother smiles. "Yes. We must be strong for those we love, mustn't we? That's what it means to be a mother. Just don't forget that you need to rest sometimes, too, that you need to take care of yourself, too."

I nod.

She cups my face. "You're still young, Jordan. It's not too late to find love."

"Love?" I snort. "I have a son, Mom."

"And he needs a father," my mother says. "Just look at how happy he is spending time with your dad."

"Maybe he just needs a dog," I suggest.

My mother chuckles. "I'm serious, though. Claus needs a man to look up to. And to keep him in check."

My thoughts immediately turn to Lance.

"You never did tell me about his father, you know. Has he been in touch?"

I shake my head.

"Have you tried getting in touch with him?"

I hesitate but nod.

"And?"

"He offered money."

"Well, that's good."

"But that's not what I want."

My mother sighs and squeezes my shoulder. "I know, but it's a start, isn't it?"

I don't answer.

"The thing with men, they're not too good at expressing their feelings. That's why they give gifts to women when they're just starting to go out. You know, the roses and the chocolates. Then they get comfortable and they express their feelings more and so the gifts no longer come."

I chuckle.

She pats my shoulder. "What I mean is give him a chance, a real chance, even if it's just for Claus's sake."

I nod. "I understand, Mom."

She's right. I should take what Lance is offering for now and see where it leads. Better that than nothing.

I smile. "It's nice talking to you like this again, Mom."

She, too, gives me a wide smile, the one that always makes her eyes almost disappear.

I'm really glad I decided to visit her and Dad. I wonder if Lance's family visit is going well, too.