Chapter Four

Jordan

Two weeks after Christmas

The bathroom rug feels as warm beneath my bare feet as the tiles feel cold against my back. The white stick in my trembling hands feels strange.

No. Not a stick.

A pregnancy test.

The pee-on-them kind.

That part I've already done. Now I'm just waiting for the result.

Waiting. Holding my breath as I stare at the ceiling. Maybe praying to someone beyond that. And hoping with my whole heart that just won't stop pounding like a jackhammer that when I finally summon the courage to glance at the itty bitty screen on this stick, I will see only one line and not two.

A negative result.

Funny how just one extra line can mean a world of difference to me right now.

If I'm not pregnant, I can breathe, for starters. Then I can go on with my life. I can go back to culinary school a few days from now and finish my pastry classes. I can keep making brownies, cupcakes, cakes, meringues, and later on intricate pastries that look more like art than food without a care for anything else in the world. I can keep dating, hopefully better men, and then one day, get married and have a happy family of my own that I can run home to, bake for and spend Christmases with.

I can have a normal, happy life.

On the other hand, if I am pregnant - I knock on the wooden door of the cupboard under the sink - I'll most likely have to give up school. I might even have to coop myself up to avoid awkward questions and unsolicited judgment. I'll get bloated. I'll go through painful labor. And after the baby is born, I'll be stuck with feeding it and changing its stinky diapers. And then eventually I'll have to hire a sitter and work, because my parents are both retired and Mom is too busy taking care of Dad to take care of another person. Kevin will probably help, but I don't want to rely on him forever.

And the father? Forget him. I barely know him. I don't even know his last name. I don't want the help of a stranger, and even if I did, there's no guarantee he'd give it.

He's a jerk, after all.

I shake my head.

Wait. I'm getting carried away. I'm letting my thoughts go way ahead of me. For all I know, I might not be pregnant.

I glance at the clock hanging on top of the toilet. Well, I guess there's only one way to find out.

I squeeze my eyes shut and draw a deep breath. Then I slowly open them and begin chanting a mantra as I lower my gaze to the pregnancy test.

"One line... One line... One line..."

My voice fades. My heart stops as I see the result.

Not one but two lines.

"Fuck!"

My hand goes to my forehead. The slapping sound bounces throughout the tiny room.

No. This can't be.

I glance at the test result again.

It is.

I'm pregnant.

"Fuck."

I drop the test on the rug and run both my hands through my hair.

Screw you, Lance whatever your last name is.

If only you hadn't appeared in that lounge while I was drunk and brooding. If only you had left me alone instead of saying the things you did, doing the things you did. If only you had stopped at kissing me instead of touching me in all those places I'd never been touched...

At the mere thought, I feel something spark beneath my skin. Fire burns in my cheeks.

I shake my head and bury my face in my hands.

Why? Why can't I forget what happened that night even though I was drunk and it's been more than three weeks?

I hug my knees to my chest.

No, it's not Lance's fault. It's mine. Yes, he should have left me alone. Yes, he should have worn protection or pulled out. But I was the one who went to a party to cheer myself up but ended up sulking anyway. I was the one who provoked him, thinking I was in control.

But I never was.

The moment he stood there in the shadows in front of me, I was a captive of those dark eyes, under the spell of that deep voice. I could not resist the magnetism from those rugged yet beautiful features and the lean muscles of that perfect body. It wasn't just how he looked. It was how he moved, oozing with confidence. How he stood there watching me with intelligent eyes that were just a tad cold, like he knew just what he wanted and how to get it.

There was a challenge, even a threat, in those eyes, and yet there was also a promise. I don't know which took my breath away.

I knew I was supposed to back off, but I couldn't. I should have let him walk away but I didn't. And by the time he kissed me, it was too late.

I was lost. I was his.

My inexperienced body obeyed his every command, yielded to every pleasure with shivering delight.

The same delight that goes through my body each time that scene plays in my mind. The same one jolting my spine now.

He gave me exactly what I never knew I wanted.

And with it, the one thing I know I don't want right now.

A lifetime of trouble for a moment of bliss.

I place my hand on my belly.

Now what?

"Jordan?"

As my brother's voice pierces the bathroom door and my troubled thoughts, I jump.

Shit. He's home early.

"Jordan?"

"Bathroom," I answer as I quickly shove the pregnancy test in the pocket of my sweater and get rid of the box and all the other stuff.

I hear footsteps stop outside the bathroom door.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I lie as I open the door. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Kevin touches his chin as his eyes narrow.

"What were you doing in the bathroom?"

My eyebrows arch. "Excuse me?"

"What were you - ?"

"I heard you the first time." I push him out of the way. "And the answer is what people normally do, of course."

He doesn't look convinced.

"You're home early," I say in hopes of changing the topic.

"Weather's getting bad, so..." He shrugs.

"Well, they did say the storm would hit tonight."

I glance towards the window.

I didn't hear it while I was in the bathroom, but it seems like the wind has picked up.

Kevin crosses his arms over his chest. "Are you sure you're fine?"

I sigh. "Like I said, why wouldn't I be?"

"You didn't eat dinner again. I passed by the kitchen and it didn't seem like you cooked anything."

"Sorry." I scratch the back of my head. "I wasn't hungry."

Lately, my appetite just seems to come and go. Now I know why.

"But I'll gladly cook something for you," I tell him.

"I have a better idea." He wraps his arm around me. "Why don't you eat dinner with me? I already bought something."

"What?"

"You'll see."

He leads me down the stairs to the dining room, where I see two red oyster pails and a box of what I think are Chinese steamed buns.

He opens one of the pails. As soon as the whiff of garlic reaches my nostrils, I feel a jolt in the pit of my stomach.

I wave my hands in front of me.

"Sorry. But I really am not hungry."

"Oh, come on."

Kevin grabs a spork from the table and digs out a small pile of fried rice from the pail.

"Say 'aah'."

I shake my head and step back. "No."

"Come on." He steps forward. "Just a little."

"Nope."

I go around the table but he follows me.

"Come on. You have to eat, you know."

"I ate a snack earlier," I tell him.

"I mean a meal." He tries to shove the spork at me.

I dodge it and cover my mouth and my nose. "I'm not hungry."

"Here comes the airplane."

I run off. "Stop it. I'm not a toddler."

He chases after me. "But you're acting like one."

He backs me up into a corner.

"Now open up."

"I said stop it!"

I shrink towards the floor and lift the hem of my sweater to cover my face. As I do, the pregnancy test tumbles out and clatters on the floor.

The spork falls right next to it and the grains of rice scatter.

Shit.

I reach for the test, but Kevin gets it first.

"What's this?"

I stand up slowly. "It's... a urine test. A UTI test. I was reading up on symptoms and I got scared that I had it, so..."

His icy gaze, one I've never seen before, stops me in the middle of my lousy explanation.

I swallow.

"It's a pregnancy test."

"And it's positive," Kevin says.

I shrug. "Well, those things aren't a hundred percent accurate, you know. It - "

He steps forward.

I draw a deep breath. "I think it is."

"You're pregnant, aren't you?" Kevin asks seriously. "Otherwise, you would never have bought a test."

I lower my face and nod.

His hands roll into fists. "I'm going to smash Arthur's face to bits."

He grabs his coat and walks to the door.

Arthur?

"Wait!" I grab his arm.

Kevin turns. "You can't stop me, Jordan. I'm your brother. I have the right to do this. In fact, didn't I promise you I would? And you didn't seem to have a problem with it then."

"But..."

He shakes off my arm and reaches for the door knob.

"It's not Arthur," I blurt out.

He turns, more slowly this time. "Say that again."

"It's not Arthur," I repeat.

Kevin's eyes narrow. "Then who did this?"

"I did."

"Jordan," he warns.

I stare at my feet.

Fine. I'll tell him. If that will stop him from going back out in this weather and bashing Arthur's face, as much as it deserves to be bashed. At least he won't know who Lance is.

"Jordan?"

"Lance," I tell him. "But I don't know what his last name is."

"Lance?"

"I don't know where he lives, either. We just met..."

"At the office," he finishes my sentence.

I lift my head to meet his gaze with wide eyes.

"What? How did you...?"

His fingers clench around the knob. His hand shakes.

I touch his arm. "Kevin?"

"Stay here," he orders between gritted teeth as he turns the knob.

The door opens and a rush of wind sweeps snow against my face.

I turn away, and by the time I turn back, Kevin is already beside his car.

"Kevin!" I step out the front door. "Don't do this! There's a storm coming."

He opens the car door and gets inside.

I run to the driveway, but I'm too late. He's already leaving.

"Kevin!"

In a few moments, he's out of sight. The wind coats my hair in beads of snow as it whips it back. My cheeks turn cold.

I head back to the house and close the door behind me. Then I sit on one of the dining chairs. Tears brim in my eyes as I stare at the oyster pails.

As another blast of wind hits the window, I bury my face in my hands.

What have I done?

~

For the next hour, and the next, all I can do is wait.

It's the worst kind of waiting, not knowing what's happening while you wait, not knowing how long you'll be waiting.

When I'm lined up at a fast-food counter or at the supermarket checkout, I know I'll get there eventually. I can see what's holding me up. Right now, I have no clue what's going on, which is why I can't sit still.

I go from the dining chair to the stairs to the couch. My eyes get drawn to the clock on the wall every now and then, to my phone more often.

I try to call Kevin for the hundredth time, but he's still not picking up.

I run my hands through my hair and groan in frustration.

How did he even know who Lance is? I don't even know who he is. Are they friends? Is that why he was so furious?

Did they meet? Did they fight? What did he tell Lance and what did Lance say?

I lean back on the stairs and let out a sigh.

When will Kevin come back?

A crash on the roof makes me jump.

A fallen branch? That isn't a surprise considering how the wind is still on a rampage. One glance out the window tells me the driveway is covered in snow, too.

Is Kevin alright?

Suddenly, my phone rings. When I see Kevin's name on the screen, relief washes over me. It vanishes quickly, though, when I answer the call and an unfamiliar voice speaks.

"Hello?" It's a man's voice, but not Kevin's. Not Lance's, either.

"Hello. This is Kevin's sister. Who are you and why do you have my brother's phone?"

"You're his sister?"

"Yes."

"Okay. I need you to calm down and listen carefully, okay?"

Calm down? That usually means bad news.

I draw a deep breath. "Okay."

"Your brother's been in an accident."

A loud gasp leaves my mouth.

"Don't worry. He's here in the hospital now, being treated. I'm a police officer, Rick Stevens. I was the one who called for an ambulance."

An ambulance? A hospital?

"Is he okay?"

"Like I said, he's being treated right now."

"Where?"

"If I tell you, you'll rush right over and might get in an accident yourself. Do you have a car?"

"Yes."

I would have followed him by now if not for the weather.

"Do you live with your parents?"

"No."

"When the weather has cleared, I'll pick you up and bring you to your brother. Until then, stay put. Whether you tell your parents or not is up to you. Do you understand?"

Stay put?

"But what if - ?"

"Ma'am, he's with the doctors now. I don't know any more than that, and there's nothing you can do to help if you come here. Given the weather, you'll be a lot safer waiting at home. Do you think you can just calm down and stay put for a while?"

I nod. "Okay. And my name is Jordan. Don't call me ma'am."

"I'll see you soon, Jordan. Don't do anything rash."

"Okay."

The call ends. I go over to the couch and sit down. Again, the tears come. This time, I let them trickle freely over my cheeks.

An accident? It's the worst thing that could have happened.

And now my brother is in the hospital all alone. God knows what they're doing to him right now. And here I am, the reason for his being there, feeling just as alone and utterly helpless.

I grab a pillow with shaking hands and sob into it.

Kevin, please be alright.

~

"His condition is stable right now, but he's in an induced coma to help his brain heal. He did have brain surgery, after all. We'll be monitoring his condition closely."

That was what the doctor told me two days ago. Kevin still hasn't regained consciousness.

I stare at him as I sit beside his hospital bed. With some of his hair shaved, the still purplish bruises on his face and all the tubes attached to him, I can barely recognize him. Each time I look at him, my chest tightens.

What if he doesn't wake up? What if he dies because of me?

"Ms. Watts?" the nurse who's just entered the room calls my attention.

"Yes?" I turn to her.

"You've been watching over your brother this whole time. Isn't there anyone else?"

I shake my head. "My parents can't come. My father is not in the best of health and my mother is the only one caring for him."

"I see. You should take care of yourself too, though. Have you eaten today?"

Have I? I can't remember.

She looks at her watch. "I have some time. I can watch him for a bit while you grab something to eat and maybe a cup of coffee. It usually helps to relieve some of the stress. At least, it does for me."

I glance at Kevin. "You're too kind, but I just can't - "

"I'll call you at once if anything happens," the nurse cuts me off. "I promise."

I nod. "Okay."

I'm not hungry, but I guess I do need to eat. And it would be nice to stretch my legs.

"Thank you..." I glance at the nurse's name tag. "Connie."

"You're welcome."

I grab my coat. After casting another glance at the bed, I leave the room.

On my way to the cafeteria, I cover my nose so as not to feel sick from the smell of bleach. I keep my head down as well, not wanting to see anyone or catch anyone's attention.

We're all in this hospital because we're all in misery.

When I get to the cafeteria, I get a sandwich and some yogurt. I'm about to go back to Kevin's room, but then I bump into someone.

"Sorry," he mumbles.

I shake my head.

Like I said, we're all in misery here, so our minds are all occupied.

"Wait a minute."

To my surprise, the man grabs my arm.

I look at his face. Blond hair. Bluish gray eyes behind glasses.

Nope. I don't recognize him.

But the look in his eyes tells me he recognizes me.

"You're Kevin's sister, aren't you? I saw your picture at his office."

My eyebrows arch.

He knows Kevin?

"You work for him?" I ask.

"No, I don't," he answers. "But I work in the same building and I go to Kevin's office sometimes for chips and coffee. Sometimes something stronger. I guess you can say we're friends, though don't tell my boss that."

I don't even know his boss.

"I always say Lance should be more like Kevin, but he never listens."

Lance?

My eyes grow wide. "Did you say Lance?"

"Yes." The man nods. "He's my boss. Oh, and I'm Michael."

He offers me his hand and I shake it slowly.

This man works for Lance? Wait a sec.

"Would you know if... Lance and Kevin spoke recently?"

"I don't think so. Lance hasn't been in town all week. Why do you ask?"

"Nothing." I shake my head.

"Is Kevin okay?"

I don't answer at once. I don't know what to say.

"He's..."

Michael touches my arm. "Do you need help?"

"No." I shake my head. "I'm fine. And he'll be fine."

"So he's not right now?"

Perceptive.

"I better go." I turn to leave but stop as something occurs to me. "Michael?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think you could not tell Lance about this?"

"About me meeting you or Kevin being in the hospital?"

"Both."

He pauses. "Okay."

"Thank you."

I walk away. In one of the corridors, I find an empty bench and sit down to catch my breath. Or maybe I'm just stalling.

Maybe I don't want to go back to Kevin right away and spend more time seeing the state he's in.

I let out a soft sigh.

Why did I ask that man, Michael, not to tell Lance? I don't know. It just felt right.

Right now, my life is a mess and I don't want him to be a part of it.

Suddenly, the cry of a newborn baby from a nearby room pierces the air. I lift my head.

Right. Not everyone here at this hospital is in misery. Death looms here, but life begins here, too. How could I have forgotten that?

After a few moments, the cry stops. Probably the baby is already being attended to by its mother.

I glance down at my belly.

Its mother, huh?

I guess I'm going to be a mother soon. In nine months, give or take.

With everything that's happened to Kevin, I've almost forgotten about it. I can't deny it, though.

I'm pregnant. At this very moment, another person is growing inside me. Someone who will need me more than anyone. Someone whose life I will be a big part of and who I will know better than anyone. Someone who will be a big part of my life, who will change my life forever.

I place a hand over my belly.

I am no longer alone.

I know it's going to be tough. I know I didn't ask for this. But I'm going to do my part. I may not be a good mother, as unprepared and inexperienced as I am, but I'm going to be the best mother I can be. I will take care of this child, my child, and I'll do it without relying on others any more than I absolutely need to. I'll do my best not to rely on Kevin. And I won't rely on Lance at all.

This child is mine. This life is ours.

For the first time in a long while, a faint smile forms on my lips.

For the first time, I'm hopeful.

Everything may be a mess right now, but I'm sure things will work out.

"Ms. Watts!" Connie's alarmed voice breaks into my thoughts.

I stand up. "Yes?"

"You have to come back to Kevin's room right away."

My smile vanishes along with most of the blood from my face. My gaze drops to my feet which feel planted on the floor.

"Ms. Watts!"

I force myself to nod and start running. With each step, my heart races even faster as a dozen thoughts swirl in my head, each worse than the last.

No. Please don't let my worst nightmare come true.

Kevin!