Chapter Twenty-Four

Jordan

"And they lived happily ever after."

I stare at the drawing of the married couple on the page. The princess, radiant in her golden dress, waves from the balcony with a huge smile. The prince, dressed in white, gazes at her tenderly.

Marriage, huh?

"Mommy?" Claus's voice jolts me out of my thoughts.

I quickly close the book and set it down on the bedside table.

"Sorry, darling." I touch his cheek. "Did you like the story?"

"You said it was going to be a Christmas story."

I glance at the cover of the book. "Well, it says Treasury of Christmas Stories for Children. Besides, didn't the Christmas fairy help the prince and princess find each other?"

"But Santa wasn't there," Claus complains.

"You're right." I pat his head. "Don't worry. Next time, I'll read one that has Santa in it."

He smiles. "Maybe next time, Daddy can read me a story."

At the mention of Lance, I stiffen for a moment. Then I shrug.

"I don't know."

"Where is he?" Claus asks.

"At the house across the street, I think," I answer.

"Why doesn't he live here? Robby's Daddy lives with him."

I give him a puzzled look. "Who's Robby?"

"The boy in my favorite story."

"Oh."

"Why doesn't Daddy live with us? We lived with him when we were in Boston."

"Well, that's because..."

"I want Daddy to sleep here with me."

I sigh. "I wish it were that simple."

Claus's eyebrows crease. I pinch his cheek lightly.

"Don't think about it for now. Just go to sleep, okay?"

"Okay."

I pull the blanket up to his chin and plant a kiss on the top of his head.

"Good night, darling. Sweet dreams."

He yawns. "Good night, Mommy."

I turn off the lamp, give him one last kiss on the cheek and lie down beside him. In the darkness, I stare at the ceiling as thoughts churn in my head.

Will you marry me?

Such a simple question. And yet it can mean so much. It can change so much.

If you say yes, that is.

But I didn't. All I said was sorry, and then I ran away like a coward.

I place my arm over my forehead.

Why did I refuse Lance's proposal? I love him, don't I? Besides, he's Claus's father. If we get married, we'll live together just as Claus wants and he and his father will spend more time together. It's the best for Claus. And it's the best for me, as he pointed out. If I'm his wife, the media won't go after me. They won't be able to drag me down and through the dirt, because I'll have his name.

It's funny how just a change in a person's name can mean such a big difference.

It's for the best. Even I can see that. But maybe that's why I refused.

I don't want to marry a man, even if it's the man I love, just because it's right, just because it's for the best. I don't want a man, even a man as great as Lance, to marry me just because I'm the mother of his child or just because he wants to protect me.

Is it too much to ask to want the man who offers marriage to you to offer his heart as well?

I run my fingers through my hair.

Maybe I'm doing the wrong thing. Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe I'm asking too much. After all, Lance is already offering so much. And he and I are already having sex and enjoying wonderful conversations together.

Why isn't that enough for me? Should it be? Should I just resign myself to marrying a man who doesn't love me because of a mistake I made a long time ago? Am I supposed to pay for that mistake for the rest of my life?

I glance at Claus. They say mothers should do everything for their children. Mothers are supposed to be indestructible, invincible and self-sacrificing. We're supposed to be more than human. We're supposed to live for our children and lay down our lives for them. But didn't we already do that once? We gave our children our bodies and we put our lives on the line to bring them into this world. We've given up so much for them, put so much on hold for them. Am I supposed to give my heart up for my son as well?

Strange. I used to think I was content with having just Claus. But now that Lance is offering me marriage, I suddenly want more.

What is going on with me? What am I supposed to do?

For a long time, I stare at the ceiling. I toss and I turn with my thoughts, unable to sleep. Finally, I get out of bed and go downstairs.

I find myself in the kitchen. My gaze rests on all my baking equipment.

Maybe I should bake? It should help me relax, right? Maybe it will even help me gather my thoughts. But what do I bake?

Then my eyes fall on the piece of paper stuck to the door of the fridge, the one Audrey handed out.

The cake baking contest is tomorrow afternoon.

I might as well give it a try.

I grab the piece of paper.

I don't really want to draw any more attention right now, but at the same time, I don't want all this mayhem to deter me from my passion.

Then I read the theme - "Christmas Love".

Great. Just great.

I have second thoughts about entering, but then I think of the things I love - Claus, Christmas, baking. Who said I have to make a cake for Lance?

The more I think about the things I love, the more ideas fill my head. Excitement begins to bubble up in my veins.

Fine. I'll join the baking contest. Not for the prize or for the attention. Just for fun.

With a smile on my face, I put on my favorite red apron and grab my spatula.

Time to bake a cake.

~

I manage to finish two hours before the deadline. I hold the box firmly on my lap as Lance drives me to the town hall. Claus sits in the backseat. He seems even more excited than I am.

"I'm glad you decided to enter this contest," Lance says.

So far, he hasn't brought up his failed proposal last night. In fact, he's acting perfectly normal, for which I'm grateful.

"Me, too," I tell him. "I thought it might not be the best idea, what with everything that's going on, but then I thought, what the heck? I'm not baking for anyone else but me. Even when I bake for other people, I do it first and foremost for myself, because I love to bake. And isn't that reason enough? In fact, I think it's the only reason to. You don't bake because it's best or because it feels like the right thing to do. You bake because you love it, and the fact that you love it is what makes it right and best."

I pause. Wait a minute. Am I still talking about baking here?

Lance doesn't answer. Maybe he's caught on, too?

"I want to see the cake," Claus says from the backseat.

I glance over my shoulder. "Don't worry, sweetheart. You will. Just a little longer."

"But I want to see it now!" Claus whines.

"Listen to your mother, Claus," Lance tells him. "The cake is a surprise for all of us. You don't want to spoil that, do you?"

As usual, Claus listens to him and shuts up.

I grin. "What did you feed him?"

"Nothing," Lance answers.

He reaches for my hand.

"Good luck at the baking contest. I haven't seen what's inside that box, but I'm sure it will amaze everyone."

I shrug. "I didn't bake to amaze. This time, I really had fun."

"Which is why it will be even more amazing." Lance smiles. "I can't wait to see it."

I grin.

Frankly, I can't wait to show off my creation, either.

~

When the time for unveiling the cake arrives, I draw a deep breath. Then I take the cake as carefully as I can out of its box.

At once, cameras flash. The whispers that started as soon as I stood on the stage fall silent, replaced by gasps.

I stare at my creation and smile.

It's just a two-tiered cake with layers of chocolate, vanilla and raspberry. The icing is made of white and milk chocolate, the paler chocolate appearing splattered over the dark. On top of the cake, there's a gingerbread man missing an arm, a Christmas ornament made of sugar that appears shattered, and what looks like a clumsily wrapped present. And there's a pair of colorful mittens, one larger than the other, both sprinkled with chocolate and dusted with sugar.

I haven't made anything I've been prouder of in all my life.

"Can you explain what this cake means?" one of the judges asks. "How does it relate to the theme?"

Someone hands me a microphone. I swallow.

"Well, the theme for this baking contest is, I believe, 'Christmas Love'. The first thing that came to my mind was my son. Ever since I had him, Christmas has been a little out of order and a little messy..."

Some people in the audience laugh.

"And I feel like I can't celebrate Christmas the way I used to, the way I want to. But it's always been filled with love and so it's more fun. Love makes everything perfect."

Applause erupts inside the town hall. The loudest seems to be coming from my son, who is hoisted up on Lance's shoulders. Lance, on the other hand, seems deep in thought, but as our gazes meet, he smiles. I blush.

"Thank you, Jordan."

Kimberly, the host of the contest, takes the microphone away from me. The judges begin to scribble on their notepads.

"Now, on to the next contestant..."

I get off the stage. As I go down the steps, Audrey meets me.

I force a smile.

"I just wanted to say, Jordan, that your cake looks wonderful," she says. "And what you said was amazing."

"Thank you," I mumble.

"And that I'm sorry for being such a bad friend. I shouldn't have told everyone about that article."

"Well, I'm glad you told me."

"And I shouldn't have brought Catherine to your house. And I shouldn't have been bossy to you all this time."

I chuckle. So she's realized she was being bossy.

"I was just trying to be a good friend, trying to look out for you," she adds. "In my own way."

I nod. "I know."

She removes her glove and offers me her hand. "So am I forgiven?"

I stare at her hand.

Oh well. Everyone in town was bound to find out about Claus eventually. And I'm in a good mood right now. Besides, it's the season for letting bygones be bygones.

I shake her hand.

"Friends?" Audrey gives me a hopeful grin.

I nod. Well, whatever it is we were before.

"You'll come to my party, won't you? You and Lance? And Claus, of course."

Is that why she made up? So I'd go to her party?

"Sure," I say.

"Oh, but I already got cupcakes somewhere else. I hope you don't mind."

"Not at all."

She gives me a quick hug. "Good luck with your cake. I hope you win."

I smile against her shoulder. If I do, it will be just the icing on the cake.