Not Again
“To love,” Noah says, clinking his shot against mine. He’s on cloud nine tonight, and he deserves it. Leaning in close, he whispers in my ear, “Did I tell you she said yes to living together? She said I’m the one, Sawyer.”
“You did, I’m happy for you guys.” He’s got a bit of a buzz going on, but who can blame him? He’s having the night of his life.
“You were right, she doesn’t love Eli anymore. I was being stupid.”
“No, you were being protective. That’s all part of love, right?”
“Normal love, yes, Sara love, nope.” He sighs, and I pat his shoulder.
“She doesn’t love you, Noah, she’s obsessed. There’s a huge difference there.”
“Good point. I gotta piss, I’ll be right back.”
Noah heads to J’s office, and Ryan follows. When Noah makes it back to the bar, he’s got a shit-eating grin on his face.
“What in the world are you smiling about?”
He leans over my shoulder and whispers in my ear, “J is making out with Tyler again.”
Dammit. Tyler is Jordan’s weakness. They hang out, they fuck, J spends time with him, spends money taking him out, and Tyler hops back in the closet. Noah loves seeing J with him because he makes Jordan happy. Until he makes him miserable. I can’t stand him. I think Tyler is a user, and I wish some girl, or guy, would come and knock J off his feet.
“Great, poor J.”
“Tyler isn’t a bad guy,” Noah says, perching back up on his stool.
“Maybe not, but he’s bad for J.”
“You never know, this time could be different. This could be the time J finally gets his happy ending.”
“Ha! I don’t doubt they’ve both already had their happy endings. If it doesn’t work out, hopefully, J will leave Tyler behind for good.”
Noah and I sit at the bar and catch up. It’s like old times. Mel has been sitting in a booth in the corner since everyone else left. Noah said she’s working and catching up on emails. About thirty minutes after Noah caught J with Tyler, they come out of his office looking satisfied. J walks him to the door and kisses him goodbye before joining us at the bar.
J starts wiping the bar down and looks up to catch us staring at him. “What?”
Noah is smiling, but I’m sure my face is full of contempt. “Why do you bother with him?”
“You sure you want the answer to that?”
No.
“Yes, because all he does is hurt you.”
Mac leaves to check on Mel, giving us some privacy to talk.
“Tyler is … fun and sexy. We have smoking-hot chemistry, and we’re friends.”
“Friends don’t hide their relationships.”
He sighs. “It’s complicated, Sawyer. Not everyone comes from a family as open as ours. His family would disown him, and he … he walks away because of me.”
Noah leans into the bar. “What do you mean, J?”
Jordan pours himself a beer and takes a drink. “I like Tyler a lot, but I’m not the kind of guy who wants to settle down. Not yet at least. Tyler is, but he isn’t willing to come out to his family until there is someone waiting in the wings for him. Someone who will love him enough and make it worth losing his family. I’ll always be Tyler’s friend, but I’m not the guy to be his forever.”
“So wait … all this time … you pushed him away?” I’m shocked.
“I think we’re sort of a fifty-fifty split there. When Tyler starts pushing for more, I tend to back off. I don’t want him getting even more attached. But there are times when I don’t want to send him away, when I want him to stay in my bed, and in my life, but he knows if he doesn’t back away, I will.”
“Damn, that’s messed up,” Noah empathizes.
I feel myself slightly softening toward Tyler. “Is Tyler bi too?”
Jordan nods. “Yeah, and I think that’s partially why I push him away. If he finds the perfect girl for him, he can keep his family and have love.”
“But what if you’re the perfect person for him? Regardless of gender.”
“Jesus, Noah, you sound just like him.”
“That’s not an answer,” I point out.
“I don’t have one, I guess. If I could picture myself with one person forever, it would be him. But that’s not the life I want for myself right now.”
Jordan and I exchange knowing glances as Noah prattles off all the reasons why letting yourself fall in love could be the best thing that has ever happened to you. I excuse myself to use the restroom and reflect on how strange it is that Jordan and I are so much alike, while at times like these my twin and I are so different.
A little while later, the bar is clean, Noah, J, Mac, and Ryan are in a dispute over some movie they all saw, and I make my way over to Princess to see how she’s doing. When I get to her, she’s yawning, and it’s totally cute, especially the way she sighs out loud while doing it.
“Princess, are you sleepy?” When I yawn as the words leave my mouth, she laughs.
“I guess as sleepy as you are.”
I slide into the booth across from her as she glances over at the guys.
“Hey, I really just wanted to say I’m sorry for earlier. I didn’t mean for you to overhear us arguing about things.” Pausing, I run my hand through my hair before meeting her gaze. “But to be honest, I’m glad you did. You have the right to know what is going on. I couldn’t forgive myself if anything happened to you because you were unaware, so … please be safe, Princess.”
Her expression goes from cautious to understanding in the blink of an eye. She looks like she wants to tell me her innermost secrets, and I’d give my soul to hear them, just once. Instead, she shakes off whatever she was feeling and pastes on a fake smile. It’s pretty enough, but it’s not the smile I love. The one that highlights her laugh lines and makes her eyes sparkle. That one is reserved for Noah these days.
“You don’t have anything to apologize for, Sawyer. You were right. I know Noah wants to protect me, but knowing your battle is half of conquering it. I appreciate that you care enough about me to want to protect me. It means more to me than you could ever know.”
The chemistry between us that lingers just under the skin ticks up. The pulse of energy between us is strong, and it’s obvious she feels it too. As we adjust ourselves in our seats, I flash her a small smile. She’s not mine. Our chemistry isn’t real.
“Yeah, well, we’re family now, so be prepared to understand how Rory and Diane feel. We’re going to be in your business all the time. It’s what brothers do. And when you and Noah eventually tie the knot, that’s what I’ll be … your brother.” I’m practically choking on the words. They sounded much better in my head than they did coming out of my mouth. No one should have this kind of chemistry with their sister-in-law. Especially if they have a brother as great as Noah. Now I’m regretting not fucking Sasha earlier; maybe it would have eliminated some of this tension.
“Hey, you guys about ready to get out of here?” Noah asks, sliding in next to her. At least with him here the uncomfortableness of the last few minutes is gone.
We nod, and I tilt my head toward Mac and Ryan. “How are we working security?”
All the extra guards escorted Darren, Wyatt, and our family members home earlier. Only Mac and Ryan are here with the four of us now. We should be fine considering it’s after two a.m. Besides, only Mel needs a guard; the rest of us can fight.
“Mac is going to take you and J to Jordan’s house and stay on his couch. Ryan is going to take Mel and me back to our house.”
Sounds like a solid plan. The three of us can kick back with some alcohol and play poker once we get back to J’s. It’s not the booty call I’d wished for, but it will be a good night to catch up.
Mac and Ryan lead us to the rear exit of the club, and Jordan sets the alarm as Mac pulls up our car. Mac gives us the all clear to load in and waits until Ryan nods his okay for us to go as he does his final sweep of their SUV.
We’re barely around the corner when the emergency alert goes off. It’s a system where one of the guards only has to push a button if he’s in distress and it pages the rest of the team.
“It’s Ryan, hold on,” Mac says calmly as he flips the car around in the middle of the street to head back to the bar.
“What the hell is going on?!” J yells, fear in his eyes.
Mac turns the lights off as he pulls into the drive and kills the engine.
“Stay back,” he cautions, but we don’t listen. We’re out of the car and following quietly behind him as he scopes out the situation.
My heart stops when I come up behind him and see Noah crumpled on the ground with a pool of blood growing beneath his head. J covers his mouth and bends over, trying not to throw up, and I know he’s being transported back to that day we’d both like to have permanently erased from our memory.
When I manage to pull my eyes back up, Sara is holding a gun to Mel’s head, and my world starts to spin. I hold on to the brick wall to keep myself upright, and J grabs my shoulder for strength. Mac already has his gun out and is inching even closer. I want to call out, to help them somehow, but I know this is what Mac’s trained for, and one misstep on my part could mean their lives.
The beating of my heart echoes in my ears. I try muffling it with my free hand, praying we continue to remain unnoticed. I scan the area quickly, looking for Ryan, but he’s nowhere in sight. It does sound like there may be a scuffle not too far away; I hope he’s not hurt as well.
“Help him!” Mel’s terrified plea carries through the still of the night. Even scarier is the eerily calm, almost sing-song reply Sara gives her. Mel continues to beg, and it takes every part of my conscious mind to stay put and let Mac do his thing. Deep down I know he’s her only chance. Their only chance.
“He’s fine, he’s only sleeping. It will be just like a fairy tale. He’ll wake up from his true love’s kiss. But first … I need to get rid of you.”
The gunshot echoes through the silence of the night. My eyes involuntarily squeeze shut before they fly open at the sound of footsteps. Mac is running toward Noah, and Sara is slumped into the car. I follow quickly with J right behind me and realize Sara is on top of Mel.
Mac kneels next to Noah. “He’s got a pulse.”
I feel like a thousand pounds have lifted from my chest as I sidestep them to get to Mel.
“Is she hurt?” J calls out once I get my head inside the car. All I can see is Mel’s hair, Sara covers the rest of her.
Come on, Princess, hang on.
“I don’t know! Fuck! Help me get this bitch off of her.”
J pulls at Sara’s legs, and I lift her under her arms. She’s dead weight, and as Jordan realizes it, he freaks out.
“Why did you shoot?!” he screams at Mac.
“I had the shot. Even if I didn’t, she would have killed her if I didn’t try.” Jordan’s hands are trembling as we lay Sara’s lifeless body on the ground a couple of feet from Noah. I hope this bitch burns in hell.
Mel’s groans have me racing back to the SUV. Thankfully, she’s moving. Tears are running down my cheeks as I take in the amount of blood covering Mel.
Please let it all be Sara’s blood.
Mel’s arm is bent at an odd angle beneath her, but she’s moving. That has to be a good sign.
She’s gasping for air as I pull off my shirt, each breath sounding more painful than the one before. Pulling her free, I tuck her close to my body, thanking God that she’s alive as each of her warm breaths greets my skin. She pulls back, repeatedly blinking, trying to get her eyes open. Using my shirt, I’m wiping her face off the best I can to help but it’s not easy; there’s so much blood.
Realizing she probably doesn’t know who’s holding her, I try to find my words. “Princess … fuck. Are you okay? The ambulance is on its way. Please tell me you’re all right.”
She sobs. “Why can’t I see, Sawyer? Where’s Noah?”
“She’s okay, alive,” I call out to Mac and J as I try moving her arm. Her painful cry lances through my heart, and blood is oozing from a wound on her arm where her clothing is torn.
“He’s here, and he’s still breathing. Help is coming, Princess. Your eyes are okay now, you just got … something in them. We’ll get them flushed and you’ll be fine. Help will be here soon.” When I pull her to me and feel her against my bare skin, I sigh in relief. Her warmth means she’s alive, and that is all that matters right now. Mel and Noah are alive, and Sara is going to spend eternity rotting in hell.
My tears splash against her cheeks, and she reaches up with her good arm and brushes them away. This night could have ended differently, and the thought rocks me to my core. What if we’d been just a little bit further away? What if Sara had heard us come back? What if …
“She shot me?” Mel’s frantic cries pull me from my horrific thoughts, and I tighten my arms around her.
“J, how’s Noah doing?” I call out.
“He’s okay. He’s starting to move. I think she just knocked him out.” The relief in J’s voice is shadowed in fear. This is going to be so hard on him.
“You left … and she … shit … Noah!” Mel’s beginning to freak out, and I think the shock might be starting to wear off. I need to keep her calm.
“Ryan hit the panic button on his phone, and Mac turned right back around. Thank God he did … we were a split second away from her killing you. Jesus, Princess, what happened?” She blinks her eyes rapidly, and I move my shirt from her arm to wipe her face again, but when the blood begins to ooze from her arm even more, I put the shirt back. Within seconds, she’s managed to get her eyes open.
“Shit, that stings,” she hisses as I keep pressure on the wound.
“Sorry, I think the bullet grazed you. It’s not too bad, but you’ll probably need some stitches or something. It’s still bleeding.”
“Is that why I’m wet? Why is there so much blood?”
Without answering her, I look over my shoulder to check on Noah. “It’s going to be okay,” I reassure her as the paramedics pull into the lot.
“I need to be with Noah.”
Wishing she didn’t have to see Sara and Noah, I reluctantly help her from the SUV. The paramedics are tending to Noah, only giving a quick glance at Sara’s dead body. Mel looks around, taking everything in, and her eyes grow wide. She looks down and pulls her shirt away from her body and screams when she realizes all the wetness she was complaining about is blood. About halfway through the scream, her eyes roll up and she starts to go down. I catch her and lay her down gently on the second stretcher. The second set of paramedics begins assessing her, and I look down to see Noah being lifted and rolled to the ambulance. J has his hand and is running alongside him.
“You’re okay to stay with him, J?”
He nods, already jumping inside. “Stay with Mel, I’ll meet you there.”
Mac pats my shoulder to catch my attention. “I’ll call Warren before I give my statement. I’ll probably be here a while.” He looks down at Sara and shakes himself off before meeting my eyes again.
“Mac, are you okay? This is … well, it’s a lot for anyone.”
“It’s my job, but yeah … it’s a lot. Can you call Belle? I’m not sure I have it in me to break that little spitfire’s heart right now. I’ll have Warren call everyone else.”
They’re lifting Mel inside the ambulance now. “Yeah, I’ll call her on the way. I’ll see you there?”
“If I’m done in time, if not I’ll go straight back to the house.”
“Okay, if you need anything, anything at all, you call me.”
“Will do, now go.”
Once we’re in the ambulance, the paramedic is fussing over Mel. After asking if it’s okay to call her sister, I pull out my phone. I really don’t want to make this call.
It only rings once before Belle answers. “What’s wrong?”
“Sara got to Mel and Noah. We’re on our way to the hospital. You might want to meet us there.”
“Sawyer,” she pauses, her voice shaky, “please tell me she’s okay.”
“She’s fine. She’s got some injuries, but she’s going to be okay. Noah … he’s alive, but he has a head injury, so he needs some tests. He’s been unconscious since it happened, but he’s going to be fine.”
“Oh God,” she says softly. “I’m so sorry. We’re on our way. Did they get Sara?”
“Mac did, she’s dead.”
“Oh no, poor Mac.” I hear keys jangling and doors closing, and then I hear the sound of an engine starting. “Sawyer, please don’t let anything happen to her. She’s …”
Her sobs greet my ear, and my heart is heavier than it was a few minutes ago. “I know, Belle, they’re my world too. See you soon.”
If I hadn’t hung up, I would have been sobbing too. I’ve got to keep it together.
They have me exit the ambulance first, and we’ve pulled in right behind Noah. Dr. Martin is standing next to the door waiting for Noah and Mel.
“Dr. Martin!”
He looks up and nods my way, walking toward me. “Sawyer, it’s nice to see you. I wish it were under better circumstances. Can you tell me what happened?”
I fill him in on everything we saw as we follow inside behind Noah and Mel. “Please, Dr. Martin, you have to keep them together. Do you have a room big enough for both of them? They’re … I don’t know how to explain it, but trust me, they’ll help heal each other.”
Dr. Martin calls out to a few people, and within seconds Mel and Noah are sharing a trauma bay with the middle curtain that normally separates them pushed back.
“Does this work?”
“Yes, thank you.”
He leaves me and begins running the room. Sticking close to the wall, I watch as he assesses them. J taps me on the shoulder, but when I look at him, he’s staring at the floor. Jordan hates hospitals. “I’m going to go to the waiting room. Mom texted me, she said you didn’t reply to her text, but they’re here, so I’m going to go fill them in.”
“Shit, once I called Belle I didn’t look at my phone again. Tell Mom I’m sorry and I’ll come see them soon. Tell them Noah is going to be fine.”
“You don’t know that, Sawyer,” he whispers fearfully.
“I do, J, our brother is going to be fine.”
With a dubious look my way, he races out of the ER, most likely trying to outrun his demons. The reason Noah gives so much to this hospital, and specifically to Dr. Martin, is because he’s the doctor who saved Jordan’s life that day—in this very ER. My mom made sure we stayed close because she wanted Dr. Martin to know the people he saves matter and appreciate him. Even though a lot of people never look back, we do. To Mom, Dr. Martin is an angel.
Noah moans as the nurses get him out of his clothes. It’s the best sound I’ve ever heard. I rush to his bedside, not giving a fuck about the glares from the nurses.
“Noah, can you hear me?” When he moans at my question, I reach for his hand. “You scared me. Thank God you’re all right. He is okay, right?” I ask Dr. Martin as he checks Noah’s pupils.
“I’d feel better if he was speaking actual words, but let’s get some tests and see what we’re dealing with. He’s waking up, though, and that’s a good sign.”
“You hear that, big brother? You’re going to be all right.”
“Noah, where are you?” Mel sits up and starts pulling the wires attached to her; she’s freaking out.
“Amelia, you’re okay. My name is Dr. Martin. Please calm down and let me explain what’s happening.”
Mel isn’t paying attention to him though. She looks over at Noah and screams again.
“Amelia, you’re in shock.” Dr. Martin tries getting her attention to no avail. “I’m going to give you something to help calm you down. It’s going to make you sleepy, but you’ll feel much better when you wake up.”
My heart aches as Mel continues crying, but Noah needs me more right now.
Within seconds Mel is knocked out, and Dr. Martin asks the nurses to get her cleaned up and into a gown.
“Is she …”
“She’s fine, Sawyer. She does have a minor gunshot wound. We’re going to run some labs, get her on some antibiotics, and bandage her up. It looks like they were both lucky tonight. The paramedic mentioned their attacker was killed at the scene?”
“Thankfully,” I mutter, but I quickly clarify my position when I see his shocked expression. “She’s been stalking Noah, making all of our lives hell. I’m just relieved she can’t hurt him anymore.”
“I see. That makes more sense.”
As he turns to check on Mel once again, my leg bounces with restless energy until I blurt out what’s on my mind. “Dr. Martin? I think Jordan is a bit … lost right now. Would you mind checking him out too? I’m not sure he’ll be okay. It’s a lot for him to handle.”
His sympathetic eyes meet mine as he rolls closer to Mel on his stool. “Of course, but what about you? Isn’t it a lot for you to handle? Do you want me to call Dr. Stein?”
With all of my fucked-up issues these days, I could keep Dr. Stein occupied for hours, but I’m okay; it’s J I’m worried about.
“No, I know how to reach her if I need to, but maybe call her for Jordan?”
He smiles at me kindly. “Let me clean and bandage Amelia’s wound and I’ll go check on him.”
“Thank you.”
“Noah Weston?” a tech asks as they enter our curtained-off area.
“Right here,” Dr. Martin answers.
The tech moves in and raises the rails on the bed so he can push Noah out for his tests, but I don’t want to let go.
“Sawyer,” Dr. Martin says, “you can’t go with him. He needs a few scans and will probably be gone close to an hour. Come sit with Amelia. She’s going to need someone by her side when she wakes up.”
Leaning over the rail, I place a kiss on the side of Noah’s forehead that isn’t bloody. “I’ll take care of Princess, Noah, and it’s your job to come back to us awake and talking.”
My stomach is queasy. Between the blood, alcohol consumption, and general stress of the day, I’m wiped. As soon as Dr. Martin leaves, I take the seat next to Mel and hold her hand.
“Hey, Princess, you lucked out tonight. Mac is good at his job, but never in a million years did I imagine we’d need him to take care of something like this. That man deserves a raise, a vacation to a tropical land, a new house, car, whatever he wants. Nothing in the world is more precious than having you and Noah safe and here with us.”
She looks so peaceful; you’d never know she’s been to hell and back tonight. As I look at her, my mind floods with memories from the last few months. It’s crazy to think she’s only been in our lives for four months. I’m pretty sure I fell in love with her the second she called me a dick. Fire flared in her eyes, but her cheeks blushed the perfect shade of pink. My cock was instantly hard. She was the perfect blend of feisty and humble.
Later that night, when she walked into my bathroom, it seemed like the fates had aligned and brought her to me. I was a goner the second her lips crashed against mine. And when she turned me down, fuck … I felt like an addict being denied his high.
That was the beginning of the end for me. I couldn’t shake the way her lips tasted against mine, or how her body heated with my touch. All night long, her sultry moans reverberated through my body. I’d only had a small taste of her, but I wanted more— so much more.
“Noah,” she mutters, still sleeping.
Noah. It all comes back to him. Noah was enraptured by her. That was something new; I’d never seen him like that before. As much as it pained me to do so, I stepped back for him. Little did I know how intense my feelings for her would become and how large of a wedge she was going to drive between the two of us. I thought I’d been doing good the past few weeks. Just like any addiction, I was beating it. Until Sara held that gun to her head. I realized then I’ve been fooling myself. I love her more now than ever before.
“Noah,” she calls out again, a bit more coherent this time. His name on her lips is just the reminder I need to set me straight. It’s like Wyatt said, she made her choice. No matter how much it hurts, she picked him, and I’m going to respect that. I just need to figure out how.
A sense of dread comes over me when Darren and I walk into the waiting room. My parents are going to be pissed they haven’t been able to go back and see Noah yet. Mom should take some lessons from Belle; there was no way she was going to take no for an answer.
“Sawyer!” Mom flies out of her seat and into my arms. She pulls me close and sobs into my chest.
“Shh Mom, it’s okay. We’re all okay.” I rub her back and let her cry until she’s ready to pull away.
“How’s Noah?” Rory asks, trying to swipe away her tears.
“He’s having some tests, but he’s going to be fine.”
Jordan glares at me, but I don’t care. There is no other acceptable outcome in this situation.
“If he’s having tests, how do you know?” she counters and they all look at me.
“I know because he’s Noah. He is strong, and he’s not about to leave now that he’s found, Mel. He was mumbling and stuff before they took him, he was waking up.”
“That is a good sign.” Diane pats Dad’s hand while he nods. “And Mel?”
“Mel has a minor gunshot wound, but she’s okay. Belle commandeered her way in to see her and is sitting with her now. Has anyone been able to check in with Mac?”
Darren answers my question “Warren went over there and is going to stay with him until he’s no longer needed at the scene.”
Good, that’s good. Ryan, on the other hand, looks like he could use some air.
“Ryan, can you walk with me?”
Ryan hops up quickly, looking relieved and quietly follows me outside.
“Sawyer, I’m sorry. If you need to fire me, I understand.” He says once we’re outside. Puzzled at why he would even say that I turn around.
“I don’t think that would be necessary. I’m sure whatever happened tonight, Sara had something to do with it. I just wanted to know what went down and that you’re okay.”
Ryan breaks down what happened from when we pulled away until when he got to the hospital, and just as I thought, Sara was up to no good.
“Thanks, Ryan. You did your job. You hit the emergency notification and checked out a potential threat after securing their vehicle. There was only one of you, but Sara had friends. In no way is it your fault they ambushed you. This whole mess only proves what depths of depravity Sara was willing to go to. If we hadn’t gotten there in time, she would have killed Mel and probably kidnapped, tortured, and killed Noah too.”
A chill goes through me just thinking about it. I’m so glad that bitch is no longer a threat. We walk around the hospital, and before going back inside, I have Dr. Martin paged. Once he’s on the line, I arrange for Mel and Noah to share a private room. They need one night before having to deal with the press and our family. He agreed easily enough; they have the space and he knows money isn’t an object. He also informs me Noah is talking and finishing up with his tests.
After disconnecting the call, I update my family and tell them where they can see Noah briefly.
“What do you mean you’re staying here? I don’t think that’s wise, Sawyer,” Mom chastises.
“Mac and Ryan need to get some rest. Hospital security has things on lockdown, but I’m not leaving Mel and Noah to fend for themselves in case someone gets on this floor or, God forbid, in their room. Besides, I’m sure they’re going to need help during the night.”
“Son, that’s what the nurses are for. You need your rest too.”
“Dad, I’ll rest tomorrow. I’m used to late nights anyway. It’s one night, I’ll be fine. You two go back to the house and get some sleep. Maybe bring them both some clothes in the morning?”
With a reluctant sigh, Mom kisses my cheek. “Okay, we’ll see you in the morning. We love you, Sawyer.”
“I love you both too,” I reply as Dad gives me a quick hug.
Collapsing in the chair outside their room, I finally exhale. It feels like this night has dragged on forever. When the nurse finishes with the two of them, she pauses to give me an update.
“Amelia is asleep, and Noah is in and out. Remember to keep the lights dim and the sound down. If anyone needs anything, hit the call button on either of their beds. I’ll be on duty all night.”
“Thank you,” I reply, and then make my way inside the room.
The hours pass slowly. I’m in a semi-comfortable chair between their beds. Mel’s been having intermittent nightmares, and Noah is in so much pain I don’t know what I can possibly do to help.
I keep one earpiece in my ear and one ear free so I can be aware of their needs. Regret weighs heavily on my mind. If I’d just insisted J come back to our house tonight, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. I can’t win for losing; giving them their space only backfired on me. And now I’m sitting here wishing dawn would come faster. As much as I want to help, listening to them cry out for each other at the worst time of their lives only cements the fact I’m not a player in this game.
I’m listening to “If It’s Not Me” by Tyler Ward, and without even realizing it I start softly singing along. Once the song is over, I turn off the music so I can go to the restroom, but Noah’s sympathetic eyes are on me.
“Sawyer …” His voice is gravelly, and I reach over to give him a drink of water. “Thanks,” he rasps as I place the cup on the table.
“Do you need something else? Do you want me to get the nurse?”
“I’m fine, but I’m worried about you. Are you okay?”
This man is lying in his hospital bed with a massive concussion and he’s worried about me. Maybe it’s because I’m tired, but it just niggles at the constant feeling of inadequacy lingering under my skin. Noah will always be the better brother.
“Of course I’m fine, just worried about you guys.”
He winces as the sun peeks through the blinds before glancing at Mel and back to me. “You mean you’re worried about your Princess.”
There is no malice in his words. In fact, he sounds … resigned if anything.
“No, that’s not what I meant at all. Don’t do this, Noah, please. Not now.”
His eyes flutter closed, and relief floods through me as I think he’s going back to sleep, but they open again.
“I’m not trying to have conflict with you. I heard you singing. That song is … sad.”
And now I see where he’s going. Those lyrics do kind of fit our situation, but this time I wasn’t exactly thinking about Mel.
“It is sad, I agree. The label asked me to listen to it. It’s part of the new music they gave us to familiarize ourselves with their new artists and upcoming new releases.” I could kick myself now for singing along, but that’s how I work. Committing new music to memory helps me remember it and promote it when the opportunity arises.
“And that’s all? Because if this is something more, we should talk it out.” Every word he speaks causes him to wince. This is the last thing he needs to be worrying about right now.
“That’s it. I’ve told you before, and I’ll say it until my dying breath, nothing is going on. I need you to believe me once and for all.”
I’m tired, overemotional, and I can’t keep having this same discussion again and again. All it does is open wounds I’m trying like hell to keep closed. Each time he asks about Mel, it’s like a dagger to the heart. Some days I wish I’d never met her, but I can’t imagine our lives without her either.
“Sawyer, it’s okay.”
“I wouldn’t do that to you, Noah. You have to know that.” The desperation in my words lingers between us.
“I do,” Noah replies softly. “Aside from Mel, you are the most important person in my life, Sawyer. Don’t ever forget that.” I wish I could unsee the pity in his eyes. It’s as if he knows I’m feeling inadequate again. The last thing I want right now is his sympathy.
“I know, and no matter what you might think, I’m glad you found her. The two of you are sickeningly perfect together.”
“What I think, Sawyer, is you put up a brave front, but deep down inside you’re ready to settle down too.”
It seems like all we do is go around and around with this. Noah is desperate for me to settle down, and I wonder how much it has to do with me moving on from my inappropriate crush on his girl if I do. Thankfully, Princess yawns, bringing our attention to her. I’ve never been happier for someone to be awake. The two of them are alive, the sun is shining, and soon enough we should be able to get out of here so I can put my focus on something else for a bit.