Aftermath
When I wake up, I’m pissed off and confused. I can’t believe that bitch drugged me. Who does that? I’ve got half a mind to call her school and get her ass fired, but I don’t need the publicity, and this would get out.
Last night, after Mel woke me up from my nightmare, I tossed and turned for hours. Between the anniversary creeping up and the drugs, it’s no wonder I couldn’t escape the bad dreams. She was like an angel appearing out of nowhere. The light pulling me from the dark. How is it one woman can be so strong, so kind, and so fucking patient? Especially with an asshole like me.
Maybe the drugs enhanced her kindness, but I doubt it. Mel is always doing something nice for us. Whether it’s cooking dinner or just lending an ear, she’s the perfect woman, and when she left my room in the middle of the night, I realized something terrifying. I’m in love with her.
I’ve never been in a more fucked-up situation in my life. If there’s anything in the world I’m addicted to, it’s her. She’s my drug of choice, and the high I get from being around her is better than any chemical high I’ve ever had.
It’s now come to the point where I’m counting down to the end of this tour. To a time where I don’t have to watch the stolen glances, the loving caresses, and the utter perfection that is Noah and Amelia. By then I’ll have figured out a way to deal with my feelings for her. Most of all, I hope to have figured out how to be a better brother because, right now, I’m not even worthy of Noah’s love. Then again, I probably never was in the first place.
My phone vibrates across the table, and I wish I didn’t have to look at it. Today is not going to be a good day. The only good part already happened. Breakfast with Mel.
Bethie: Meet me outside, we need to talk.
Without replying, I throw on my shoes and go to meet her. She seems sad when she looks up at me, and after hugging me tightly, she leads us to the bench I was sitting on yesterday.
“What in the world happened last night, Sawyer? Everyone is pissed and freaking out. You’re about to be called into an intervention.”
I figured as much, but her words still sting.
“She drugged me, and by the time I realized what was happening, we were practically fucking.”
“So you just let it go?! That bitch. Give me her name, Sawyer, so I can go beat her down.”
With a light laugh, I shake my head. “Down, Cujo. I already thought about getting her fired. She’s a teacher, for fuck’s sake … but I don’t want my shit being publicized. It’s best just to let it go.”
“The hell it is,” she snaps before taking a long look at me and sighing. “Okay, maybe it is, but still … what a bitch.”
“Pretty much, and now I’m guessing Noah told everyone I’ve got drug issues again.”
She hedges, which isn’t like her.
“Anna … spill it.”
“Ugh, I hate when you call me that. It makes me feel less loved.”
“You’re always loved, but it’s your name, and for me, it’s the equivalent of using your middle name. Please tell me what’s going on.”
We’re looking out at the empty field in front of us. The sun is shining down on us, and there’s not a cloud in the sky. It’s chilly though, even with the sunshine.
“Noah thinks because you’ve been such an asshole lately that you’ve been using again,” she says softly.
Leaning forward with my head in my hands, I take a few deep breaths as I let her words soak in. How can I even be angry with him? I’d probably think the same thing in his position. Someone else sits on the other side of me, and when I look up, Darren is looking down at me.
“It’s time, Sawyer, you have to tell him. Unless you want to do a stint in rehab.”
“Maybe that’s precisely what I need to do. Rehab myself away from Mel because loving her is utterly and completely self-destructive.”
Anna gasps, and Darren pats my shoulder. “Admitting you have a problem is the first step.”
“Darren,” Anna admonishes, “you’re not helping. And Sawyer, when did you decide you loved her?”
“That was a hypothetical, Bethie. You did not hear that.”
Great, now I’m being a dick to my best friend, but she has to keep this secret for me.
“Fine. Hypothetically speaking, how long?”
I can’t stand the two of them staring at me like I’m broken or something. “Last night I had some nightmares. They were some of the worst ones I’ve had in years. I couldn’t get out of them. No matter how hard I tried to wake up, I couldn’t. Mel heard, and she … she saved me from them and then stayed with me until I was okay. When I was in her arms, I felt loved. I’m well aware of how much I sound like a girl, but there’s no other way to describe it. I’m not sure I knew until right then how fucked I really am.”
Darren exhales. “What are you going to do now? If you’re not going to tell him, what is your plan?”
“To stay away, switch buses here and there, something. I won’t fuck Noah over, not ever again.”
“Oh, honey.” Anna wraps her arm around my shoulder. “You didn’t fuck him over the first time. All this guilt you carry should be a burden split between the two of you. He didn’t know she was your permanent fuck buddy, and you didn’t know he had feelings for her until it was too late.”
“She’s right, man, you’ve got to let this shit go.”
“Hey, guys, Warren wants to see us on our bus. Anna, babe, can you go hang out with the girls on Mel’s bus?” Wyatt bends down to kiss Anna, and Darren and I head toward the bus, giving them a few minutes of alone time. I’m sure this isn’t going to be a quick meeting.
When we enter the bus, Noah is glaring at me, and it pisses me off. Wyatt follows quickly after us, and once we’re all seated, Warren clears his throat.
“Sawyer, is there something you want to tell us?”
“Nope,” I say, leaning back and crossing my arms over my chest. Fuck them all for doubting me.
“You were high last night, Sawyer.” Damn, I’d like to punch his condescending attitude right out of him.
“I was, Noah. What are you going to do, retire even sooner? Pretty sure I don’t need to play by your rules anymore.”
“Dude, Sawyer, come on … tell him what really happened,” Darren pleads, but I’m angry now and want to be difficult.
“I got laid. That was hot. She even let me fuck her in the—”
“Stop. I don’t even want you to finish that sentence,” Warren interrupts.
“Do you see? I’m not exaggerating. He’s being a bigger asshole than normal. Tell me it’s not drugs.”
“It’s not drugs,” Darren and I say in unison, and Noah throws up his hands.
“Then, for the love of God, would you tell me what is going on with you? And last night it was drugs, so explain that away while you’re at it.”
Flying out of my seat, unable to hold back my anger any longer, I finally let loose on Noah. “I’m pissed at you! Is that what you want to hear? You fucked up my entire life plan. Everything single thing I do revolves around you. How tired you are, how much you want a family, how you’re done with touring. You don’t want me to do drugs, and you don’t want me to be happy with my band, and you sure as fuck never want me to get the girl. Tell me, Noah, at what point is it finally acceptable for me to be an asshole because I’m pissed off?”
A stunned silence echoes through the bus, but it’s Noah’s brokenhearted expression and tear-filled eyes that make me stumble back and fall into my seat. Why am I such a dick to him?
“I’m sorry, that was completely uncalled for,” I mutter as Noah wipes away a single tear, refusing to meet my eyes. “Look, I’m tired. I didn’t sleep well last night, which I’m sure tends to happen when someone slips you drugs. She told me it was mint. I thought I had bad breath, shit went downhill from there and apparently hasn’t stopped.”
“Wait, she drugged you? Sawyer, that’s a crime and a serious allegation.” Warren’s shocked tone matches Wyatt and Noah’s expressions.
“Not one I can prove easily, and it’s not a story I want in the press. It would go viral in a hot second, and I’m not going out like that. The rock star who got drugged by a groupie. Nope, not happening.”
“Sawyer, you have to go to the doctor,” Noah pleads. “You’ve got no clue what she gave you.”
“It was Molly, X, the love drug, whatever you want to call it. I’ve had it once or twice before, and it wasn’t a favorite then. It was less of a favorite last night. On the plus side, it’s nothing I want to do again, so there’s that.”
Wyatt’s brow furrows. “Why did you still have sex with her?”
“Molly enhances everything. She smelled so fucking good, and we were well on our way to fucking when it kicked in. I was upset for a second, but there was nothing I wanted more at that moment than sex. And before anyone bothers to ask, we used protection.”
Warren is texting away on his phone, and Noah is still looking at me with a mixture of sadness and confusion.
“Do you even remember us coming in last night? You broke our only rule, Sawyer.”
“I’m lucky I knew my own name. All I could think about was sex, and the only thing I wanted to do was fuck. I know it sounds crass, and I’m sorry, but it’s what happened. I do remember you coming in and saying something … but I was so lost in the sensations of everything else I didn’t hear a word you said. If it makes you feel any better, I apologized to Mel over breakfast.”
“Oh, you mean one of the girls I never want you to get?”
Shit.
“I didn’t say that.”
“Really? I’m pretty sure you alluded to it about five minutes ago,” he snaps back.
“Enough, you two!” Warren yells, interrupting what could likely be a fight that would prove fatal to my relationship with my brother. I’ve never been more grateful to him for breaking up our arguing.
“Sawyer, a nurse is coming by to draw your blood. We need to be sure everything is okay with you. We’re also doing an STD panel, and since we’re doing yours, we’re going to do one on all of you.”
“Even me?”
“Yes, Wyatt, even you. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you couldn’t cheat.”
“Seriously?”
“That’s messed up,” I reply, defending poor Wyatt.
“I know he won’t cheat, but you’re the ones who signed the contract with the label agreeing to twice-a-year testing. Take it up with legal if you want it out of your contract. I’m only the messenger here.”
“There’s no point. We’re almost done touring for good anyway,” Wyatt replies, and it feels like he’s just pouring salt in my wounds.
“Are we finished? Does anyone seriously think I’m back on drugs? Because I have to admit your lack of faith in me kind of sucks.”
“We’re good,” Wyatt and Darren agree.
Noah shrugs. “Whatever, I’m over it.”
I hate being at odds with Noah, but I’m not a drug addict, and he’s acting childish. Granted, I shouldn’t have gone off on him, but still.
“Okay, good. I have another matter to discuss, and since no one has mentioned it, I’m assuming it’s not a known fact. Amelia’s birthday is in two days. Do we want to do anything for her?”
The pleasure I get from Noah’s shocked expression is like a gift on Christmas morning. Normally, I’d feel bad for him, but not today.
“We’re going to be in the middle of nowhere,” Noah mutters.
“There’s got to be a bakery somewhere along the way. We can at least get her a cake,” I offer.
“Yeah, totally, and where there’s cake, there’s candles and probably balloons,” Darren adds.
“We could get pizza. We know what kind she likes now,” Wyatt says.
“If she didn’t want us to know, we should keep it low-key. Maybe just pizza, cake, and tequila shots,” Noah replies thoughtfully.
“After everything with her dad and her birthday, maybe she prefers not to celebrate for a reason, but I wanted you guys to know because she’s part of our crew now.”
They chat about Mel’s birthday as I let Warren’s words sink in. She is part of our crew now. She’s blended in seamlessly with us all from day one. It’s like she’s meant to be here. Like it’s fate, and if it’s fate … she’s definitely meant to be Noah’s girl.
Wyatt pulls me from my thoughts. “Sawyer, are you ready?”
“Sorry, guys, I didn’t hear you. Ready for what?” When I look up, they’re all standing.
“To go to the venue for rehearsal and sound check. We do have a show tonight, or did you forget that as well?” Noah’s words are sharp.
“Actually, can you guys give Noah and me a couple of minutes please?”
Once they all leave the bus, I motion for Noah to sit with me. “We can’t go on stage like this. I hate fighting with you. I’m hoping we can clear the air.”
Noah runs his hands through his hair and exhales loudly. “I’m not sure what we’re clearing the air for.”
“Do you believe me that I didn’t take those drugs knowingly?”
“I want to believe you, but you’ve been hiding so much else from me lately I’m not sure I know anything about you anymore.”
And we’re back full circle. “I don’t hide things from you. I just choose not to talk about my feelings until I’ve worked them out. My issues aren’t your problem, and I’m sorry I made it out to be that way.”
“Sawyer, I know how you are, and I love you all the same. I’m not sure I can say the same about your feelings for me. Answer the next question for me honestly, and no matter what the answer is, we’ll work it out.”
“Okay.” I know it’s coming, and I have to tell him the truth.
“Do you have feelings for Mel?”
“Yes.”
There, I said it, and even though he flinches, he nods.
“Is that why you didn’t tell me about the kiss?”
“No. It was a good kiss, I won’t lie about that. But what I said was the truth. She chose you, and I respect that. That’s where our story ends.”
“Then why all the hostility? Why do you act like you hate me?” His voice drops several octaves, and he’s blinking back tears. Noah has always been the twin most likely to show his true feelings, and making him cry has never been something I’ve been the cause of, until lately.
“I could never hate you. Maybe I’m jealous. Maybe I’m just pissed I haven’t gotten my way this time. You’ve done nothing wrong except not believe me about the drugs. That killed me inside. Knowing you don’t trust me when it comes to something important like that shows how much we’ve drifted the past year. No more drifting, Noah. You’re as much a part of me as I am you, and this has to stop.”
He pulls me into a hug and wipes his tears as he releases me. “Why are you jealous?”
“I’m not sure exactly. I guess because you know what you want with your life. Because you can quit our band and never look back and have zero regrets.”
“Is that what you think? Jesus, Sawyer, quitting the band is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Why do you think I want us to go into business together? I’m quitting touring, but I’d never quit you. For someone who shows the world a massive amount of self-confidence on the outside you’d think maybe some of that would rub off on the inside, where it actually matters.”
“I’m fine.”
He vehemently shakes his head. “You’re not, Sawyer. You are lonely, and you’re afraid to let people into your world. I love Mel, but in a way, I’m sorry she pushed you away.”
“What? Why?”
“Because if you would have let her in, maybe you’d understand you’re worthy of so much more than you give yourself credit for.”
“I’m not sure about all that. Besides, there will be other girls, Noah. She’s the one for you, and I’m fine. All the other stuff on top of being rejected just threw me, you know?”
“I’m in love with her,” he blurts, and I laugh.
“That’s been obvious for a while, big brother.”
“I’m such a loser.”
Now it’s my turn to pep talk him. We’re quite the pair.
“You’re not a loser. Does she know?”
“No way, it’s too fast.”
“You know what Mom always says about love.”
“It’s never too fast if it’s right,” we echo in unison. And it’s true; I finally understand what she’s been saying all these years. Too bad we both fell for the same girl.
“Don’t rush it. Tell Mel you love her when you think she’s ready to hear it. She’s got enough of her own issues. Your love isn’t going anywhere, so just take your time.”
“Now you sound like Mom.” A smile breaks through, and I’m glad we’re getting past the other crap. I hate fighting with him. “What about us? Are we cool? Because I’m tired of playing this hot and cold game with you.”
“Give me a few days. I’m still pissed off about what happened last night, and I know I’m going to keep being a dick. I’ll be good by Vegas, especially since we’re going home afterward. I need some family time. Some Saylor and Emme time.”
Noah smiles wide at the thought of our nieces. “All right, I’ll give you space. But Sawyer, I have to ask … your feelings for Mel …”
“You have nothing to worry about, Noah. You love her, and I’m pretty sure she’s on her way to loving you if she doesn’t already. The two of you are damn near perfect. Mom’s going to love her.”
“Yeah, okay. God, I do love her. It feels so fucking good to say that out loud to someone. She’s nervous to meet the family, but she’ll fit right in.”
“Come on, you guys! I hate to rush your brotherly reunion, but Warren is practically shitting his pants out here.”
On the outside, I’m laughing with Noah at Darren’s exaggeration, but on the inside, a part of me is dying. Whatever fantasy I had is over. Noah is in love.