Find Your Cadence – One Year Before The Illusion Tour
“Guys, she’s up next!”
Darren’s excitement is contagious. We’re exhausted after performing earlier tonight, but we had to stop by Sully’s before leaving Utah. I managed to sweet talk the waitress into bumping us up to the top of the list so we could sing right away.
When we finished, I let her blow me in the bathroom as a thank you. I even let her take a selfie of us under the condition I could hold onto her phone until we leave. She was more than willing. I’m flipping through her pictures as we wait for Rhymin’ Rieanne to take the stage.
This chick takes sexting to a whole new level, and I’d love to forward some of these pics to my phone, but then she’d have my number, and that won’t do. No one gets my number, ever.
“Stop being a perve, Sawyer, and put her phone away,” Noah chastises.
“She’s fucking hot, and I want to see the picture we took. Besides, she’d probably get off at me looking at her. Fuck, check out her rack.” Noah diverts his attention back to the stage, and Wyatt shakes his head, but Darren looks over my shoulder with enthusiasm.
“Damn, maybe I should hit that before we leave.”
Darren doesn’t need my encouragement, but I give it anyway. “Do it. She can deep throat as well as some of those porn girls.”
He looks at me with a mischievous twinkle in his eye. “Down for a double tag?”
“Nah, she’s all yours. I’m tired as fuck.”
Speak of the devil, she brings our next round, and Darren pounces. “I hear Sawyer confiscated your phone.”
She licks her lips and nods.
“Want me to bring it back to you tonight? What time do you get off?”
“I’m off now but decided to stay until I get my phone back. Want to drive me home and join me for an orgasm?”
This girl is like the male version of us. It’s hot.
“The bus is leaving at three in the morning, Darren,” Noah reminds him. It’s after twelve now, that’s plenty of time.
Darren easily goes with the flow. “Change of plans, gorgeous. How would you like to come back to my bus with me? I’ll have a car ready to take you back to your place before we take off.”
Her eyes light up, and she leans down to kiss him. Their kiss progresses fast, and within seconds they’re devouring each other at the table. The music changes and Darren backs off. “Go get your stuff, we’re leaving after this song.”
She dutifully sashays away, and Wyatt groans. “Dude, you know she just had Sawyer’s dick down her throat a few minutes ago, right?”
Darren chuckles. “Like that’s ever bothered me before.” He fist bumps me, and he and Noah shake their heads at our laughter.
“Oh my God, look at her song title,” Noah says between a laugh and a groan.
The monitor says “If I Were a Penis” and out comes our little sexually inappropriate trailblazer. Rhymin’ Rieanne looks like a more petite version of Velma from Scooby Doo. I’m seriously not sure if she’s even twenty-one, but she has to be if she’s in here. If she didn’t look so young, I would have already fucked her for the novelty alone. Someone who comes up with the shit she does and has no qualms doing it in front of a crowd has to be a sexual deviant in the bedroom.
Our eyes are all locked on the stage. She’s looking down at her feet and whispers, “This is a Rhymin’ Rieanne original. ‘If I Were a Penis.’”
When she begins beatboxing low in her throat, I know we’re in for some fun. This girl intrigues the fuck out of me, and if we’re ever in this town long enough, I hope one day to talk to her and find out what her deal is.
If I were a penis
I’d want to find a home
Somewhere warm and safe
Where I could shoot my load
If I were a penis
I’d wake up nice and hard
My head might be dark-purple
But please don’t be alarmed
If I were a penis
I’d want you to take a lick
Nothing would be nicer
Than your mouth around my tip
If I were a penis
I’d need you to suck, suck
So when I come, deep down your throat
There’s nothing to clean up
If I were a penis
I’d like to feel your hand
With lube or spit to make it slick
You’d make me come like BAM!
But if I were a penis
I’d often want to roam
I’d need to try
A lot of twat
Until I find my home
Alas, I’m not a penis
Because I’m not a man
So I’ll have to wait
Until mine comes
And says
Hey! You’re my Vag!
Her eyes dart away from the crowd and land back down on her feet. She whispers “Thank you” into the mic before leaving the stage. The whole room breaks out in applause and whistles.
She’s greeted by a little Poindexter guy when she leaves the stage. He pulls her close and hugs her, and it makes me smile. I bet the two of them have freaky fucking sex, but if they’re lucky, they also have a good relationship.
“That was the shit, you guys. Where does she come up with this stuff?”
Darren took the words right out of my mouth. “Shit, I don’t know, but I swear we should get Warren to put her on our payroll. She’d be the best opening act ever.”
Darren fist bumps me in agreement with my idea.
“She’s definitely creative,” Noah agrees
“I bet she’s like this secret dominatrix or something,” Wyatt tosses out, making us all laugh. I’m not gonna lie, that could be kind of hot.
Yawning, I cover my mouth and push back my chair. Mac nods to me from the corner understanding I’m ready to go. “I’m wiped, guys.”
“Me too,” Noah adds, standing up.
Wyatt is standing too. “This shit isn’t as easy as it was when we were twenty. Especially when you go all rogue and throw everything you have into it, Sawyer.”
Shrugging, I reply, “Not my fault you’re getting old. It might be a little bit more tiring, but it’s still fun. Besides, the fans eat it up, and they’re the whole reason we’re even touring. The next tour will be mellow with our new acoustical stuff coming out.”
As we reach the door, Darren and the waitress catch up to us. Darren has more energy than all of us put together. He always has, and it’s a good thing, too, since he’s our drummer. He has to have high energy to work the sticks the way he does. Darren has a raw, natural talent, and it shines in every show. I’ve got no doubt he’ll still be drumming away long after the rest of us decide to call it quits.
As I sip on my morning coffee, I’m still chuckling to myself about Rieanne’s performance last night. I’m exhausted, but Rieanne’s performance never disappoints. She makes the trip worth it every time.
We’ve been on the road about a month now. Utah was one of our first stops this time, and hopefully, after seeing Rieanne last night, it will breathe a little life into the band. Maybe we’re still finding our groove, but everyone seems much more mellow than normal this time around. The Find Your Cadence tour is our biggest tour yet—everyone should be happy. Most days it’s still hard to believe how much our band has blown up in the last eight years.
Our new album is kicking ass, with each song topping the charts as soon as it’s released. It’s a far cry from the demos we used to hope would catch on. We’ve come so far, so fast and there’s never a dull moment. The money is phenomenal, and our buses are state of the art, luxury on wheels—they’re a far cry from the shared buses we used to have.
Even without the money, this is all I’d want to do with my life. Traveling with my brothers and being creative is the only thing that’s ever made sense. The closer we get to Wyatt and Anna’s wedding, though, the dark clouds begin hovering in my mind.
I’m terrified he’ll want to quit, to stop touring and give it all up for a domesticated life. He says he won’t, but I know Wyatt, and even more, I know my Bethie, and she’s going to want a life with her husband home by her side. More importantly, she deserves it.
The snow-covered ground glistens outside the bus window as we drive to our next gig. I love seeing the world in all its different seasons—the blooming flowers, autumn leaves, and my favorite of all is when we’re able to coincide our tours with the northern lights. It’s a magical beauty that makes me appreciate being a small part of such a large universe. They even make me give pause to Noah’s theory of fate, although I’d never admit that to him. Sometimes I think he got all the optimism and I got all the pessimism. Or maybe I’m just jaded from the shit I’ve seen in my life that Noah has fortunately been spared from experiencing. It’s cool, though, seeing the world through Noah’s eyes is an incredible thing at times.
“Morning,” Noah grumbles as he pulls a bottle of water from the fridge.
“You’re up early,”
Noah wipes the sleep from his eyes and takes the seat next to me. “I never really slept, mostly tossed and turned all night.”
My twintuition is screaming at me in a way it hasn’t since all that shit went down with Marilyn. After taking a long pull of my coffee, I turn my attention to him.
“Say it. Whatever is bothering you, whatever is keeping you awake, spill it so we can figure out how to fix it. What’s wrong?”
He blows out a long exhale and drops his head into his hands. When he looks back up at me, his eyes are glassy.
“Come on, Noah, you’re freaking me out. Are you okay?”
“I can’t do this anymore, Sawyer. This needs to be my last tour. I’m done.”
His confession jars my soul. It takes all of my self-control to take a deep breath and count to at least ten before I lose my shit.
“You can’t just quit, Noah. We’re still working on the acoustic album.”
“And you still can, just without me. You guys can hold auditions, find my replacement, but I can’t do this anymore. It’s killing my soul.”
“Have you told anyone else about this?”
He shakes his head. “That doesn’t mean you can convince me to stay. Honestly, even though we haven’t actually talked about it, I don’t think Wyatt is far behind me. He’s getting married soon, and you know as well as I do he and Anna deserve to have a life together after all this time.”
His words sound like they’re dipped in static. I hear them all, but there’s a serious disconnect between them and me.
“Say something, Sawyer.”
“What do you want me to say? You want me to tell you it’s okay to just quit? It’s not, Noah. It’s not fucking okay at all. Westons aren’t fucking quitters!”
He flinches, but now that the floodgates have opened, there’s no holding back my fury.
“Look at everything we’ve built! Look around, Noah, because once you quit, it’s going to affect us all. You know damn well we’re not going to replace you. Once you’re gone, it’s all over. For everyone. Are you ready to have that on your conscience?”
Noah’s anger replaces his sadness. “You don’t get to blame this all on me. I told you years ago I was going to want to stop touring one day. It doesn’t mean the band has to break up … maybe we just take a long break.”
With a snort, I lean back in my seat. “Yeah, because that will change your mind. Why are you doing this? Tell me one good reason you have to end this.”
He flashes me a sad smile and leans back too. “I’m lonely, Sawyer. I want to fall in love, get married, and have a bunch of fucking kids. I want to start the rest of my life. Is that so hard to understand?”
His impassioned plea hits me right in the heart. This is all Noah has ever wanted, and he’s given us eight years already. What kind of asshole am I to put my own happiness before his?
“No, it’s not. Look,” I pause and run my hands through my hair before standing. “Can we put a pin in this until tomorrow morning? Give me a day to let it soak in so we can come up with a plan. Better to talk to everyone as a united front anyway.”
“Yeah, sure. Are you pissed at me?”
Noah raises his fear-filled eyes to mine, and I can’t help but soften a bit. No matter what, he’s my twin and my best friend. His feelings matter more than our job.
“I am, but I’m a dick, and that’s how I’m wired. I’ll get over it. You’re what matters right now, not my feelings.”
He sucks in an audible breath. “Your feelings always matter, Sawyer, it’s why I’ve hung on for as long as I have already.”
Fuck, if I didn’t feel like a big enough dick before, I sure do now. “Tomorrow,” I say, clearing my throat, trying to speak over the huge lump in it.
“Same time, same place?”
“Yeah.”
I leave him alone looking miserable and lock myself in my room. After putting “Last Resort” by Papa Roach on blast, I finally give into the frustrated tears that were begging to give way while we were fighting. I’ve got to come up with a plan to at least give our fans a chance to say goodbye.
Who am I kidding? I need this more than anything. Time to prepare for a final farewell before the best time of my life goes away for good.
Twenty-four hours after our last attempt at talking, I’m sitting on the couch in the bus sipping my coffee and bracing myself to battle this out with Noah. I’m so fucking angry with him, but the worst part is I know it’s an irrational anger fueled by my own fear and insecurity about what happens next. I don’t want to be a has been … A featured story on Where Are They Now? five years down the road. None of it is Noah’s fault, but dammit, I still expected more from him since he’s my brother. He knows what this means to me.
That’s it in a nutshell though; I know what this means to him. Noah was never going to be in this for life.
Just when I thought maybe he was going to sleep in like normal, his door opens. He looks worse than he did yesterday, and my guilt intensifies.
“You still look like shit.”
“So do you,” he counters, plopping down next to me.
“Change your mind by any chance?”
“Nope,” he replies while pulling on his socks.
“All right then, here’s what I came up with. I’ll back your decision to leave, but you have to agree to one more tour.”
A hurtful expression is quickly replaced by one of anger. “Sawyer, fuck! I already told you, I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. It’s killing me!”
“Yup, I heard you loud and clear, but here’s the thing. We’ve already announced the acoustic album. Technically, we don’t need to tour for it, but even if we wrap it up and release it, how is that fair to our fans? You know, the people who put food on our table and pad our bank accounts?”
He slinks down further in his seat and rubs his eyes. “Tell me everything.”
“It’s going to suck for everyone, but if we wrap up the album ASAP and tour again immediately after this one, we can call it a farewell tour. On the plus side, we can keep it super low-key. We won’t need opening acts or high-energy numbers. It can be the four of us, our instruments, and smaller crowds.”
“Keep going” he encourages, looking up at me now.
“Well, Warren will have to figure out all the details with the label and shit, but it will give the band a chance to say goodbye, and the fans too.”
“I’m not opposed to making new music, I’m just not willing to give up any more of my life riding across the country in a bus.”
I think about his point for a minute. “I’m not a fan of bands who retire only to make a big comeback. I know most of them do it, but I don’t want that to be us. I guess we can figure all of that out later.”
“Yeah, of course.”
I hate the disappointment he’s shrouded in, but there’s not much I can do about it.
“Look, Noah, I’m not unsympathetic here. I understand more than anyone what you want from your life. Our visions may be different, but I still want you to be happy. I know doing another tour is not what you want, but in two years you’ll be done, you can live your life, and you’ll be doing it the right way instead of screwing our fans.”
No matter how encouraging I want to be to him, I still can’t help feeling like I’ve been fucked, and I’m pretty sure Darren is going to agree.
“Are you still mad at me?”
“I’m probably going to be mad for a while. It’s not your fault, but this seriously fucks with my vision for us and the future. I’m going to miss this, miss us.”
Noah smiles and turns his body toward mine. “You should go solo, Sawyer.”
“You know I can’t do that.”
“Sure you can, and you should. You were made for amazing things, and you’re so fucking talented, you can do anything you put your mind to.”
“Except convince you to stay.”
“You could do that, too, and you know it. But I appreciate you’re not trying to, that you respect me enough to help me figure out how to get out of this. There was a lot I didn’t think about, and you’re spot on. Our fans deserve more from us, and I’m willing to follow your plan. I’m not happy about it, but as long as there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, I can deal with it.”
“I really thought we’d have another twenty years at this, at least another ten.”
Noah pats my shoulder with my sullen words. “Deep down you knew that was never going to happen. We’re all family men, Sawyer, even you. You might not be willing to admit it to yourself now, but whenever you look down at your little namesake, your face says it all.”
Saylor.
My niece is my happy place. When Diane told me she was naming her daughter after her favorite person, I didn’t think much of it; my sister can be a jokester. But after Saylor was born, I was the first to hold her after her parents. They told me her name while she was tucked safely in my arms; I almost lost it. Never in a million years would I have thought they’d name their baby after me. Or, as Rob pointed out, the closest, cuter version of me they could come up with.
“I’ve never denied wanting a family. Kids at least … women, on the other hand, I’m not so sure about.”
“One day you’re going to meet someone who makes you question everything you thought about yourself. I can’t wait to see it happen and watch you learn to let someone into your world.”
“Don’t hold your breath, none of that is happening anytime soon. Let’s shower and swap buses so we can talk to the guys. I’ve got a feeling it’s going to be a long-ass day.”
“Hang on a sec,” he says as I stand. “Are we okay? I need to know you and I are good.”
Noah always heaps the loaded questions on me at the worst times.
“We will be okay?” He cringes at my questioning tone. “Look, I’m just all hurt feelings and shit right now. Once Darren knows the deal, the two of us will go off and lick our wounds while you and Wyatt plan your happily ever afters. Things will be fine sooner or later.”
Noah stands and hugs me. I return his hug but pull away first before I get choked up. Days like today make me wish I could be as open with my feelings as Noah is. Maybe someday.
“Love you, little brother,” he calls out to me as I head toward the bathroom. I flip him off but reply with an “I love you” of my own. His answering laughter hits me like a lightning bolt. My world is upside down right now, but Noah is happy, and that’s the only other thing that matters to me.