Chapter Thirty
Lila (Tuesday)
I was officially a pin cushion, and it made me feel like complete and utter shit.
I was having test after test after test, and it was driving me crazy. I knew the doctors were trying to do their best for me, and that all of this was essential to find out exactly how to look after me, but I couldn’t help getting increasingly grumpy. If I had to go through one more round of blood tests, I might just scream. I gave the nurse a bright, fake grin as she left the room, but inside my emotions were churning.
At least I had Kyle. He hadn’t left my side for even a second the entire time. I didn’t know what I’d do without him. Except I realized just how exhausted and scruffy he looked.
He hadn’t slept, ate, or washed properly in that whole time. Much as I didn’t want him to go, he needed a rest. I had to think about him in all of this, too; he was suffering almost as much as me. Plus, he had the added pressure of trying to keep me upbeat while I tried to figure out how to deal with this cancer diagnosis.
“You go home for a bit,” I told him in a croaky voice, making my mind up. “Go and have a nap and a shower.” There was no point in Kyle sitting around here all the time while nothing was going on. I could deal with a short time alone, couldn’t I?
“I’m not leaving you,” he shot back, just as I knew he would. It was almost as if he was afraid of leaving me by myself, in case I did something crazy. “You need me.”
I was going to have to tell some lies if I was going to get rid of him. Much as that wasn’t something I wanted, it was right for him.
“Look, I need some sleep myself, and I can’t rest properly if you’re here. Just give me a few hours, yeah? Then I can be refreshed, and you’ll be more equipped to deal with this nightmare, too.” Blame it on myself, that was the only way I could do it. He wouldn’t leave if he even slightly suspected that I wanted him to remain.
He eyed me curiously, before finally accepting defeat. “Okay, but I’ll have my cell phone with me the whole time so you call me if you need me.” He shook his phone at me, as if I wasn’t getting the hint. I knew he wouldn’t let me go without a way to speak to him, since he seemed utterly terrified that he might miss something.
“I’ll be fine.” I forced myself to chuckle, trying to keep as upbeat as possible. “I have all the doctors here. I’m in the best hands, but if I need you I’ll call you.”
“Right, okay...” But even as he walked toward the door, he kept glancing back at me as if he thought I was going to spontaneously combust or something. He cared, it was nice to feel looked after in that moment, but I did want him to go now. I cared about him, too, even if he didn’t need me to.
But even though he clearly didn’t want to, he left, which allowed me to relax and breathe a little deeper. I didn’t realize it while he was here, but it was nice to have some time alone. I couldn’t really deal with my thoughts with Kyle here. I was just trying to push them to one side the entire time, to put on a brave face for him.
Throat cancer.
I still couldn’t believe it. Those words continued to race through my mind and right through my body, spreading a weird numbness as they went. None of this felt real at all. I still didn’t know how serious it was, so I couldn’t even begin to make any plans.
All I knew for sure was that one minute I was living the high life, recording in a real-life studio, living with the brother I adored, hanging out with an awesome guy. Now everything was on hold. My life was potentially in danger, I could be about to lose absolutely everything.
Cancer was pretty much a death sentence, wasn’t it? Why did I still feel so numb about that? I should’ve come to terms with things a bit more now. I should have some idea about what that was doing to me. I’d had a couple of days to think about it all, and I hadn’t gotten anywhere with that. I was still just as confused as ever.
“Hello, Lila.” Ugh, just when I thought I was going to get some time alone, the doctor poked his head around the door to smile thinly at me. “How are you feeling today?”
“Like crap,” I admitted, sitting up straighter in the bed. My body ached, I felt far too exhausted for someone who had been in bed for ages, but I just about managed to make my expression presentable for the man who held my future in his hands. It was written on that clipboard, I just knew it. He had more information for me; I was about to get the full details. Still, I didn’t feel anything.
“Everything hurts, I can’t stop coughing, and I’ve barely slept.”
“Well, I’m sorry to hear that.” He glanced down at the information written in front of him. “But I do have some more information for you today, if that helps?”
“Okay, sure.” My heartrate kicked up a notch. I felt sick, but this time, I wasn’t going to let it spill out. I needed to hold it inside until the sensation passed. Time with the doctor was precious. I’d learned that very early on, so I didn’t want to waste it because who knew when I’d get to see him again. “Shoot.”
“Well, there is some good news...” Good news? About this? Is that even possible? “The cancer is at a very early stage, so it is manageable. There isn’t too much for you to worry about.” I nodded slowly as if I understood, but it was all flying over my head. “So, while I can’t tell you how long it’ll take for you to get better, there is a good chance you will. We might not even have to go through the aggressive treatments to get there, either.”
“Right, sure, okay.” I knew that I should be experiencing some happiness about this, but it was still nothing. My chest was empty, my heart hollow, a sickness was spreading right through me. All I wanted to do was head to the bathroom to throw up, but that time would come soon enough. “Thank you for letting me know.”
As he went through the next steps with me in careful consideration, I nodded as if I totally agreed with everything that he was saying, but I could barely even hear his words. It wasn’t even like thoughts were swimming through my mind, I wasn’t thinking anything. I just couldn’t take any more in. I had enough to go on for now.
“So.” He finally leaned in closer, forcing my attention back on him. I opened my eyes wider, trying desperately to make myself listen. “Do you have any questions?”
There were so many questions, but I didn’t know how to ask any of them. “So, you don’t know how long things will take? Any rough idea?”
“I’m afraid that I can’t tell you that now. I don’t have any idea. It all depends on how your body reacts to the medication. There are a lot of factors that can affect the timing.”
“Okay, so will I still be able to sing?” I never would have asked that question if Kyle was here. I would have been too afraid of the answer. But now that I was alone, I needed to know the answer.
“I can’t tell you that, either. You may be able to sing as you did before, but there’s a chance that you won’t be able to.”
“Right...” That hurt more than I thought it would. It might have been a newer dream for me, but now that I had it, I held it close.
I’d just finished recording my first album. How the hell was I going to make more music, go on tour, and do gigs if I couldn’t sing? It would probably put Xander off the whole business with me and Kyle, after all. I’d spent so long trying not to screw up my brother’s dream, my own dream, and now my health was doing that for me. It wasn’t fair.
As the doctor left the room, a stray tear rolled down my cheek. Everything was falling apart. Maybe I’d done something horrific in a past life; that was why I had no luck. Everything seemed destined to be bad for me, no matter what.
And Xander... I’d been doing my utmost not to think too much about him since I’d been lying here, but now that I knew for sure that I might not be able to sing again, I couldn’t think about anything else. I was going to let him down just as much as Kyle. It was bad enough that he’d been calling me and texting me without any response. When I eventually did speak to him, I was going to have to land this massive bomb on him.
It wasn’t going to be fun.
How was I supposed to tell Xander that not only was I a flake when it came to the business, but that I couldn’t see him anymore, either? It would absolutely kill me to let him go – he was officially the best thing that had ever happened to me – but it was clear now that we were never meant to be. If we were, this wouldn’t have happened. There was no way I could drag him through all of this. It just wasn’t right.
I would just have to deal with this alone. I was tough, and thankfully I’d built up quite a thick skin over my life. Sure, this was going to be one of the bigger challenges that I had to face, but I could do it... I was sure I could.
Depending on what happened with this treatment, I might not have time to think about him, anyway! I might become so wrapped up in making myself better that I didn’t even care.
I was going to have to face him eventually, though. Now that we’d met, our paths were going to cross again at some point. I needed to work out how I was going to get over him so I didn’t die inside every time I saw him.
I sighed deeply and grabbed my cell phone, just to look at the time. As I did, it was as if he could sense me, because it immediately started ringing and his name tortured me on the screen. God, I wanted to speak to him. My heart absolutely ached for him. It would be so easy. All I had to do was hit answer. I didn’t even have to tell him what was wrong with me. I could just have a chat...
But of course, that wasn’t possible. I’d been ignoring him for long enough for him to ask questions, and I didn’t think there was any way that I could lie to him. As hard as it was, I would just have to continue ignoring him until I felt ready to explain.
Or until he got bored and moved on. Whichever one came first.