Chapter Thirty-Six
Lila (Monday)
“Hey, how’s it going?” As Michael greeted us walking through the door, I instantly knew that Xander had already told him what was going on. Kyle, too, judging by his broken-hearted expression.
I tried to work out how I felt about that, before deciding on not caring. What did it matter who knew? I was going through it anyway, and at least I was getting to do this first.
However this turned out, even if I did lose my ability to sing, at least I would’ve done this. At least I had something to be proud of.
“Good.” I grinned as brightly as I could and nodded. “Looking forward to recording today; thanks for fitting me in.”
Kyle pushed past Michael, his emotion getting the better of him as he pulled me toward him for a big hug. “I’m sorry this is happening to you; you’re being brave. If there’s anything I can do...”
“…” I pulled back and stared into his eyes, giving him the puppy dog look. “I know you probably aren’t ready with it yet, but the music you’ve been working on while we’ve been living at Xander’s house is what matches these lyrics. Would you mind if we recorded with it?”
He paused for a moment and pursed his lips as if he was deep in thought. “Well, I don’t know.” He shrugged regretfully. “I’m not ready... but I suppose because it’s you... Yeah, let’s do it.”
As he slung his arm over my shoulder and grinned, I felt warmth in my chest, gratefulness. Sure, this was a bit of a shitty time, but I had the best people in the world around me. I was lucky, really.
“Thank you. This is the song I couldn’t quite manage to write before, but I’ve got it now. I think you’ll love it.”
We moved into the recording studio, and I felt confidence surrounding me. Compared to the first time, when I felt star struck and out of my depth, I now felt like I belonged. Admittedly, it was a shame that it was potentially the last time, but it was okay. All self-consciousness fell away – life was too short to be worried about silly things like that.
“Are you ready?” Xander grinned at me over the mic. I flicked my eyes between him and Michael, happy to have them both watching me like that. I assumed my illness would somehow void our contract, and the fact that I wouldn’t be able to do gigs and promotions would get in the way, but neither of them seemed too worried about it, so I wouldn’t, either.
“I am,” I gasped with a happy grin.
“Yep, me, too,” Kyle called out confidently from behind me. I spun around to look at him quickly, noticing something very different about my brother. He wasn’t shy anymore. He didn’t seem to be hiding, he was loud, happy with himself, coming out of his shell in the best way possible. I couldn’t believe I’d missed that happening, but I was proud to see it now.
Whatever happened in the future, I just knew he would be fine. I sent him a smile, hoping to convey all of that and from the short nod he sent me, it seemed like he got it.
Then, I slid my eyes shut, got my head into the game, and bobbed along a little as Kyle tinkled his fingers along the keys. I felt nervous, exhilarated, passionate, afraid, happy, and freaked out all at once. I sucked in a deep breath as my cue came along, and I started to sing.
“Before you, there was nothing... No one makes me feel this way...”
I threw myself into it, giving the song my heart and soul. This was for Xander, and I wanted to let him know how big of an impact he’d had on me in a different way entirely. I’d told him that I loved him; I hoped that I’d showed him that, too. This was just another level to that. Unfortunately, I couldn’t meet his eyes as I sang, so I kept them closed to lose myself in the music instead.
“Your eyes, your smile, that love filling your heart...”
I was giving it my all, and I hoped that was coming across. I wanted this to be my best song ever. Then as I got to the very last line, I finally found the bravery to open my eyes and meet Xander’s, and the love-filled gaze that he was sending me back brought tears to my eyes.
He loved me, I loved him – how could it be better than that?
“Say that you’ll love me forever.”
A silence hung in the air for a beat too long, leaving me a little fearful that I’d done a terrible job. I moved my eyes from Xander to Michael, and finally around to Kyle, with my emotions kicking and dancing all over my body. Why isn’t anyone saying anything? Why are they just... staring? The entire world stood still, time almost stopped, I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Then, they burst into cheers and clapping, and everything rushed back to normal. Everything unfurled, my muscles loosened, and my shoulders relaxed... They loved it, probably more than anything I’d ever done before.
***
“My goodness, I’m exhausted!” I exclaimed to Kyle as he made me a mug of hot chocolate in Xander’s massive kitchen. “That was an awesome night.”
“Yeah, it was great of the guys to take us out to dinner, but we did have a lot to celebrate. That song you wrote was incredible – an awesome addition to the album.” He glanced around just to check that we were alone, before he sat down at the table with me. “I think Xander was very touched, as well.”
“Oh, God, do you think he liked it?” Even as I said those self-doubting words, I couldn’t keep the big, beaming smile from my face. Xander had been flying high ever since, and it was clear that my lyrics had touched him deeply. “He seemed pretty happy, right?”
“Yeah, yeah...”
Uh oh, I could tell from Kyle’s face that there was something going on behind his eyes. I knew him well enough to recognize that he had something awkward to tell me, which made me shift uncomfortably in my seat. Today had been bad, then good, and I feared that it was about to turn bad once more. I narrowed my eyes and stared at him, willing him to just get on with it.
“So, I do have something that I want to talk to you about now, which is a bit difficult because of the news you got earlier.”
“Don’t worry about that, it’s okay.” I touched his arm gently and gave him what I hoped would be a reassuring smile. Things had been so much about me recently; if Kyle had something going on in his own life then I wanted to know about it. “Just tell me whatever it is you want to say.”
“Okay.” He sighed deeply. “Well, I’ve been looking at apartments. I know Xander said I could stay here. Believe me, he’s been very clear about that. But I feel like it’s finally time for me to live by myself. I have a solid job now, I have a lot more confidence in myself... I think I can do it.”
“But...” I had no idea what to say about that. In one way, he was right. My life was moving on, and I didn’t want to leave him in the dust. But on the other hand, I was going to miss him like crazy. “Really?”
“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about it for ages, and I’ve actually found somewhere that I love. But I don’t know if I can leave you now. I don’t want you to have to go through all of this by yourself.”
“But I won’t be alone,” I told him, only a little tearfully. All my emotions were conflicting inside of me. I hadn’t been this much of a mess in... well, ever. “I have Xander, and you can still be there for me. Just because we’re not living together doesn’t mean we won’t see each other.”
“Yeah, I suppose you’re right.”
A pregnant pause filled the air, and during that time I saw my brother growing up from the boy he once was, the one I felt like I needed to look after, to the man he was today. It seemed to have happened in a heartbeat, but I was happy that he felt so comfortable in himself to do that.
“Well, I presume you’re going to be staying here, since you’re all in love.” As he said those teasing words, I felt my face flame with an embarrassed happiness. “So, you won’t be too far away from me. You’ll have to come with me to see the place tomorrow.”
“I would love to.” Even though everything was changing, it felt okay. “That sounds lovely, but for now I need to get to bed, okay?”
“Goodnight, sis.” He pulled me in and kissed me lightly on the cheek. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Night.”
As I walked toward the bedroom, where I could already sense Xander waiting for me, I couldn’t believe how quickly everything had turned on its head.
“Hey, there.” I grinned as I saw Xander lying across the bed, looking at his phone. “Anything important?”
“Oh, I was just firing off a couple of emails.” He grinned happily at me. “Sorting out the album, ensuring the changes all go through right.”
I slowly slid my trousers down and unhooked my bra from under my t-shirt. I was more than happy to just sleep in my top and panties, and from the way Xander’s eyes lit up, so was he. “Is that for our album?” My heart raced excitedly. “That’s so exciting.”
“Yeah, of course it is.” I slid under the sheets and he instantly wrapped his arms around me. “It’s the most important job that I’m working on now.” As his lips met my forehead, my heart fluttered noisily. “And just so you know, things are going amazingly.”
“Oh, wow. Well, as you know, I’m grateful for everything that you’ve done for me. I know how lucky I am to have you.”
“I think I’m the lucky one!”
I lifted my head up to look into his gorgeous eyes, and as I did, he brought his lips down to press them against mine. He kissed me softly before pressing his mouth in a little deeper and snaking his tongue between my lips. I was still a little tired, the exhaustion was still there inside my body, but a buzzing excitement was taking over instead. Xander always did this to me; he unleashed such a powerful thrill in my body that I couldn’t control it.
He made me animalistic, and I loved that about him.
“I love you,” he murmured into my mouth, giving me the words that I would never get tired of. He could tell me that forever, and I’d still always look forward to hearing it.
“I love you, too, and I always will.” As soon as I said that, I knew it was the truth. Maybe it was a little crazy to be thinking so long term already, but Xander was so incredible, how could I not? He was the man of my dreams, come to life.