Chapter Twelve
Alissa
December 10, Sunday Afternoon
A mournful tune came out of my clarinet, filling the apartment with a melancholy atmosphere. I knew I was bringing myself even further down, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. I was in one of those moods, where nothing could make me feel better. So, I had to just roll with it.
It wasn’t so much to do with the night out to the Rockefeller Centre with Cade. Although, that did have me a little confused. Mostly, it was still all the stuff to do with my mom. The holidays were always a tough time for me; they always had been. But after seeing all those happy families surrounding the tree and at the ice skating, I felt worse than usual.
"Oh, my goodness!” Elle called through the apartment as she flew in through the front door. “What is going on with you, Alissa? You won’t make any money busking if you’re driving people to suicide. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, and all that.”
I sighed loudly and placed my clarinet on the couch. “Yeah, sorry about that. I don’t know why I’m playing such a sad tune.”
Elle dropped three bags of groceries on the countertop and narrowed her eyes at me. “Are you alright? I didn’t mean to upset you. Sorry, you know what I’m like. I speak before I think sometimes.”
I couldn’t even force a smile on my face, even though I really did try. “Don’t worry about it, Elle. Honestly, it isn’t your fault. I’m just... Well, you know how it is around the holidays. I’m an emotional wreck.”
A tear burst unexpectedly from the corner of my eye. “Urgh, see? I’m crying over nothing now!” I let out a strangled laugh, but Elle didn’t look convinced. “Except maybe the fact that I might be living on the streets by January if I don’t get a position with an orchestra soon.”
She perched her butt on the barstool in the kitchen and stared intently at me. “I know this is a touchy subject, but why don’t you take some money from your stepfather? He wants to help you out, and it’ll get you through a couple of months. Trying to do what you do is hard enough, without adding financial strain into the mix.”
I shuddered at the memory of my mom’s words with regards to Jacob and me. Even though she was a gold digger herself, having her basically accuse me of the same was too much for me to handle. I didn’t want anyone to think that way of me, especially the woman who sent emotionally-damaging voicemails all the time. “No, I don’t want to owe him anything.”
“You mean, you don’t want to owe your mom anything.” Of course, she could see right through me. She knew me far too well. “Why do you care what she thinks so much? I don’t see her giving a shit about your opinion.”
“I just want to be free of them. I want to be my own person. I’ll make it somehow – even if I have to take on another job as you do.”
I knew Elle couldn’t argue with that. Maybe she would prefer to be in my position, where she didn’t have to take on a waitressing job, but for the time being, she was managing to survive doing both. I could do the same. I was strong enough. Yes, I could see the downfalls – it would take time away from my music career, just like it did with Elle and acting – but it was better than the alternative.
“Yeah, I suppose so,” she finally agreed. “Personally, I think you’re making things unnecessarily difficult for yourself, but I know what you mean.”
“Mom might not be with Jacob forever, anyway. He may wise up in the end and get rid of her. I can’t exactly rely on him then, can I?”
She paused thoughtfully but nodded in the end. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right. He can’t be a dumbass forever, can he? She doesn’t exactly treat him well, does she? It’s better to be self-reliant before it all goes wrong.”
She stood to start to unpack the groceries. I jumped up and helped her, feeling incredibly guilty that I hadn’t bought any of them. I would soon, though; somehow, I would earn some serious cash to start paying my own way.
“So, Alissa, how was your date? I haven’t seen you much since Friday?”
Instantly, my mind filled with the memory of Cade’s gentle lips pressed up against mine. My heart fluttered, and my stomach flipped with glee. But still, I felt weird about it. It was so strange to feel in such a way for a man technically and legally classed as family.
“It wasn’t a date,” I snapped back a little too rapidly. “It wasn’t like that at all.”
“So, what did you do?” Elle’s eyes glittered cheekily. I could tell that her mind had gone to a place which was only slightly far from the truth.
“We went to the Rockefeller Centre, to see the Christmas tree and to go ice skating.”
“Ooh no, that’s not romantic at all.” She nudged me playfully as she teased me. “No, I would hate to be taken on such a lovely date.”
“It wasn’t like that, honestly. It was like a... a friend’s thing. He’s my brother, sort of, so it was just us hanging out.” I was falling apart. I couldn’t stop tripping over my words, which made me sound even guiltier. “We just saw the tree and tried ice skating.”
“Were you any good at it?”
My cheeks flamed, I could feel them painfully heating up. “No, not really,” I admitted quietly.
“Oh right, so how did you manage it?” She wiggled her eyebrows knowingly at me. “Did you have to hold his hand all the way around? Did he catch you as you fell?” Damn it, did she have to be so close to the truth? “Did he make your heart beat faster? Did you kiss again? Did he invite you out again?”
“Actually, he didn’t mention going out again...” I cringed as I recognized my mistake right away. I shouldn’t have mentioned anything; now I’d given away all the things that had happened.
“So, you did kiss him?” Of course, she would jump on that part. “But is that it? Have things progressed yet? I’m referring back to our conversation we had a while back when I suggested that maybe getting some action would do you good?”
“Nothing like that.” At least I could be open and honest about that part. “It’s a bit weird, isn’t it?”
“Why is it weird? What’s wrong with it? You like him, don’t you? He’s handsome?”
My God, he was handsome. He was the most gorgeous man that I’d ever laid my eyes on, but that didn’t make it right. Our families were far too closely linked, and just because it was unlikely that my mom and Jacob would last, that didn’t make it any less wrong.
“Yeah, I suppose so, but...”
“What’s the problem then?” Elle tossed her hands in frustration above her head. “I can’t understand why you’re putting this off? I honestly haven’t seen you like anyone in forever. I don’t know why you don’t just go for it? Your mom wouldn’t give a shit about your feelings before she did anything.”
“I just haven’t got my confidence back since...”
“Don’t bring fucking Luke back up; he doesn’t deserve a moment of your time. He doesn’t deserve your breath.” Elle grabbed onto my arms and stared intensely at my face. “Not everyone is like him; not everyone is like your mom. You need to find a way to move past all of that, and I think this might be a way to help you do that. You only live once, you know. I don’t want you to waste your life on people who have never deserved anything from you.”
I nodded, outwardly agreeing with Elle. But inside, I was still dying. I knew that she was right about a lot of things, but it just didn’t seem to apply to me. My life felt like it had its own rules, and none of them worked out in my favour.
“So, kiss Cade. Go back to his house, or bring him back here. Sleep with him, have some fun. I’m not saying you must marry the guy, but you do need to bring a smile back to your face. It’s Christmastime, a time where most people are happy, and you’re still miserable because of that fucking bitch who still controls you even from miles away.”
I felt pathetic. She was right; I did allow myself to be controlled. I wished I could find a way out of that. I wanted nothing more than to escape the grip my mother held over me, but it was too tight. Her nails dug too deeply into my shoulders. I wasn’t sure how to shake her off.
“Now, I am cancelling on Brad tonight.” Elle pulled out her phone and punched out a text before I could even stop her. “And, we’re having a girly night in. Movies, snacks, drinks, and gossip. I am absolutely determined to find a way to bring your confidence back up, however hard it is.”
I felt a bit like I wanted a night alone, but I didn’t want to argue with the one person in the world who actually cared about me. She’d been through some very difficult times with me, and it seemed I was in the middle of another. I couldn’t rely on my mother, but I knew I could count on Elle. She’d always been there.
“Thanks, Elle, that sounds great.”
***
As I lay in my bed a little later that night, giddy from my girly night and a little tipsy from the bottle of wine we’d drunk while watching cheesy rom coms, I allowed Elle’s uplifting words to wash over me again.
Why didn’t I deserve some happiness of my own? Why had I let my mom control me so deeply? I was an adult now, in charge of my own destiny, and it was time to take the reins and control myself.
I smiled to myself as I recalled the kisses. Cade’s lips felt different against mine than anyone else’s had ever. With Luke, I always felt like he had a mask on – which, of course, made perfect sense now – but with Cade, I could feel that protective bubble I’d built up around myself slipping ever so slightly. He made me want to open up in a way that I hadn’t ever done before.
I wanted to kiss him again, that idea was lovely. But more? That only left me nervous. A deep, tight coil of terror knotted in my stomach as I tried to picture how it would go.
Not only would sex make this thing between us feel much more real, but it’d also put me at a massive disadvantage. I wasn’t exactly sexually experienced, where I could only imagine Cade really was. He was so gorgeous that he undoubtedly had women throwing themselves at him all the time. Hell, he probably took someone back to his hotel on the night of the wedding! I was the warm up flirt before he picked a curvy woman who knew how to please a man.
It’d be embarrassing to reveal just how inexperienced I was – it’d put him off me forever. Cade didn’t seem like a cruel man, but he’d probably laugh at how silly I was. No, I would have to try and put that off for now. Maybe even forever. This was only a bit of fun, after all. It didn’t need to go that far whatever Elle said, kissing was plenty wild enough for me.