Chapter Thirty-One
Terrance
Friday
Oh my God, what am I going to do?
I couldn’t move. My entire body was stuck to the bed as if it was permanently etched in there. The sun flickered through the window, proving that morning had come around. I hadn’t slept a wink. I just... I didn’t know what I was supposed to think anymore – this was all too much.
I’d only just gotten used to the idea that I might like Morgan enough to keep her around for a long time. It was a massive step for me to consider someone as more than a one-night stand, never mind anything else. I’d spent my entire life running away from commitment, seeing it as a terrible thing to let someone in because they’d leave me, and now...
Well, now this had gotten all too much.
This was no longer about considering someone as a girlfriend. It was a permanent fixture, a human life that would rely solely on me. Yes, of course it was incredibly selfish to consider wanting to ignore this issue until it went away, but what else could I do? I couldn’t be a dad. Even thinking about myself as a father hurt my heart, it just felt impossible. I tried to think of me holding a baby in my arms, but the images just wouldn’t come.
It was even harder when I considered the fact that I didn’t even really know Morgan. I mean, I knew her enough, but not as well as I’d like to know the mother of my child. We’d had our fun, we’d had our chats, but still...time was running out, far too quickly.
Oh God, this is a mess.
Plus, there was my lifestyle to think about. Sure, the issue of the loan shark was long gone now, but being wealthy could easily bring about more negative attention such as that. I wouldn’t want anyone else to go through that, I certainly wouldn’t like to leave my child with my issues, like my dad did to me, whether he intended to or not.
I jumped up as terror spiked my heart and a tear pricked in my eye. I couldn’t cry about this – it wasn’t worth tears. I only wept when someone in my life passed away, never any other time. This was something I just needed to...to get my head around. Morgan had to come to terms with this, too, and she seemed to have adjusted a lot easier than me. Then again, she had been given more time to consider it all. Maybe it wouldn’t seem so bad in the end.
I cast my eyes around my apartment, realizing that actually I had acted a bit like an asshole when Morgan told me. I just said nothing. Just because I was freaked out, didn’t mean that I had to be a dick. I needed to go and speak to her now before I wrecked things forever. The last thing I needed was to get used to the idea, just to find out that I was no longer wanted.
I grabbed the scattered clothing along the ground and shoved it on my body, hardly paying attention to what I was doing. I wasn’t bothered about what I looked like, I just needed to speak to Morgan. I had absolutely no idea what I was going to say, but I would figure it out.
Once I had clothes covering my body, I raced out the door and hopped into the car without even bothering to check in the mirror. This terror coursing through my veins as I burned towards the hospital was something I was getting used to, only this time it had nothing to do with Braxton and everything to do with me.
As the city whizzed past me, a big blur of gray, nausea swirled and cascaded through my stomach. I wanted to do the right thing – I needed to – but it had to be the right thing for all of us.
I just I hoped that I worked out sooner rather than later what that was.
***
“Well, where is she?” I called out a little too loudly to the receptionist at the hospital. “Why isn’t she here?”
“Look, sir, I understand that maybe she’s treated you in the past, but there’s a thing called data protection. I can’t just tell you where someone is.” She twisted her curls around her finger and shot me a knowing look. We didn’t need to have that discussion for her to understand that my reasons for trying to see Morgan were personal. “So, I suggest you leave now and maybe try again tomorrow.”
“Terrance?” As a vaguely familiar voice called out behind me, I spun on my heels to see Morgan’s friend staring back at me with wide, surprised eyes. “Are you here for Morgan?”
“I am.” I save the receptionist an ‘I told you so’ look before turning back to Nickie. “Where is she?”
“She’s not here today, she’s...not well.” The falter in her voice spoke volumes.
“Oh well, maybe I should go and speak to her at home then.” Stress tore through my body, and I felt a desperation clawing in my stomach.
Nickie grabbed my arm and looked at me full of sympathy. “Terrance, I don’t think she wants to speak to you.”
Fuck. Clearly I’d been spoken about and not in a great way. I knew I was an asshole, and I was fully aware that I’d acted horribly. “I just need to speak to her.” I told Nickie softly. “I know I was wrong, I just freaked. It was very unexpected news.”
“Not just for you,” she reminded me, raising her eyebrows. “For Morgan, too.”
“I know, I know.” I tugged at my hair, a pounding headache bursting into my skull. The exhaustion was finally catching up with me, and I could feel dizziness swimming in my brain. “What can I do, Nickie?”
“Do you know what you want?” she asked rationality. “Have you decided how you feel about it all?”
“Not really, all I know is that I don’t want to leave it too late...”
“Terrance, I think you need to work out where your head is before you go back to Morgan. She’s having a baby, the last thing she needs is uncertainty and you going back and forth. I know this might be hard for you to hear, but what you need to do is keep away until you know for sure.
“If you want this baby and you want to help, then perfect; but if you decide against it, then you need to let Morgan know and you have to leave her alone. That will be best for everyone.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I stammered quickly, my heart racing painfully in my chest. “Yeah, okay. I know you’re right.”
Nickie got called away from me, back to her work, leaving me completely alone with my thoughts. As I made my way out of the hospital, my steps were much slower and more considered than when I came rushing in.
Everything inside of me had frozen over. I didn’t know where to even head next. I’d been so damn determined to see Morgan, but that was clearly wrong. After the way that I’d acted, I couldn’t go to her without some for of truth about what I intended to do next.
I slid into my car, parking my butt in the driver’s seat, and I rested my head wearily on the steering wheel. The whole world crashed down around me. I felt the heavy weight of that crushing my lungs, making it incredibly difficult to breathe. I couldn’t make this decision alone. I needed some advice from someone smarter than myself, someone who could see this from the more sensible view of an outsider.
Braxton.
He was the only one who knew me well enough, who understood my fears. He was the only one who could help me right now, so I flicked the engine on and I made my way to see him where he was recovering at home.
***
“You don’t look surprised?” I narrowed my eyes at Braxton as he digested the information that I was going to become a parent. “Why aren’t you surprised?”
“Oh, well, I am,” he stammered awkwardly, his entire face heating up as he spoke. “I am surprised, it’s just... Well, I’m shocked...”
“Did you already know?” I clutched my hand to my chest feeling stunned that my best friend might know before me.
“I’m sorry.” His shoulders fell as his resolve weakened. “I’m sorry, Morgan let it slip in the hospital. I think she just wanted some confirmation that you’re a good guy and you wouldn’t run away. Of course, I told her that you’re the best.” Now it was my turn to feel uncomfortable. “Oh God, what did you do?”
“I didn’t do anything.” I threw my hands up in the air as my brain whirred manically, trying to find the best way to defend my actions. “I just freaked out, like, a lot. I wasn’t expecting it, and it threw me. Maybe a heads up from you would’ve been nice.”
“There’s no point in accusing me! You know I couldn’t have told you that news – it wasn’t my place. Plus, I think Morgan really wanted to share it with you. Of course, that’s before she knew you were a coward.”
This wasn’t an argument exactly, but there was definitely tension in the air. “A coward? You know why I don’t want a family, why I’m scared.”
“Yes, I know. Because you don’t know your mom, because your dad got sick, and because your brother was murdered. Trust me, if there’s one person in the world who understands it’s me.”
Braxton clutched onto my arm and stared deeply into my eyes. Sympathy flooded from him, I could feel it deep into my core, but it didn’t help to make me feel any better. “I know that you’re scared, but this is your chance to have a family that’s just for you. This is a blessing, but you’re seeing it as a curse.”
I fell back onto his chair and clutched my forehead that hadn’t stopped aching. “I know, I just... I don’t know if I’ll be any good.”
“I’m sure most new parents feel that way; it’s a territory unexplored. Just because your experiences are unique doesn’t mean your feelings are.”
“So, what do you think I should do?” I glanced up at him, desperately searching for answers. “How can I... What can I do to make my initial reaction better?”
“Nothing – not until you know for sure.” He gave me the same stark advice as Nickie had. “I’m sure Morgan will understand; she’s undoubtedly been through a long period of shock herself. Just take some space, have some time, and really think.”
I nodded slowly and rose from the chair, before making my way to the door to finally be alone. “Thank you, Braxton. I appreciate you listening to me.”
“You know I’m always here. Any time you need me.”
I walked through the door to my own apartment, that heavy weight still clinging to my shoulders. As I got inside and locked the door behind me, I felt more alone than I ever had before. I’d spent a lot of my life by myself, as was the way a bachelor life happened, but this was the first time I truly felt that sadness to my core.
I wandered over to my bedroom and climbed back under the sheets, pulling them fully over my head to block out the outside world completely. There I hoped to think intently until the answer flew into my brain, making everything alright.