Chapter Thirty-Two
Morgan
Saturday
I leapt up from my semi comatose state on the couch in front of terrible reality television when I heard the hammering sound from the door. There was no way that I could face work after the trauma of telling Terrance about our baby, so I feigned illness to have a mental health day all to myself. I’d spent the majority of the time rubbing my hand over my slightly swollen belly, wondering when I’d have to tell the world that I was having a baby alone.
God, all the questions, how the hell would I face them? ‘Was the baby planned? Who’s the father? Where is your baby’s dad? Why isn’t he helping? How are you going to cope alone? Will you work? How will you pay for everything?’ It made me sick to my stomach to even consider. Especially when I didn’t know the answer to all of those questions myself.
Still, as I raised my body from the seat which had moulded around me, I couldn’t help but wonder if everything was about to turn on its head. Maybe this was Terrance, ready to make everything right.
“Who is it?” I asked anxiously, tugging my robe harder around my body. I glanced in the mirror, screwing up my nose in disgust as I saw how dishevelled I looked. My hair was bushy and unbrushed, my eyes had thick bags hanging underneath them, my skin was even pastier than usual...plus I had the whole slob thing going on.
“It’s Nickie; let me in, will you?” Her frustrated voice lifted and sunk my heart all at once. At least it didn’t matter what I looked like now.
“Okay, hold on.” I unlocked the door and swung it open, just to see her sympathetic face staring right back at me. “Hey, how’s it going?”
“Yeah, good; how are you?”
I followed behind as she let herself in and started to make herself at home, really considering my answer to that. I didn’t want to sound like I was moaning all the time, but at the same time, I didn’t want to lie. “Same as usual.”
“Work was super stressful yesterday.” She rubbed her forehead hard, stress etching her features. I felt bad enough for not turning up yesterday, I didn’t need that rubbed in my face more. But then Nickie corrected herself as if she could read my mind. “Not because of you, just because... Oh well, you know how Friday’s can be.”
“Hmmm.” I couldn’t be bothered to answer that – my own Friday hadn’t been the greatest.
“Although, one interesting thing did happen.” She sat forward in her seat and stared intently at me. “Terrance came to see me.” My eyes snapped up in interest. “Well, actually he came to see you.” I sat up straighter, wondering why he hadn’t come here afterwards. “He wanted to speak to you about the baby, but... Well, I told him not to bother until he knew exactly what he wanted. He looked stressed and worried, like he had no idea what was going on inside his own brain.”
I nodded slowly, hating this, but also glad. I didn’t want to speak to Terrance while his head was all over the place – we’d only end up fighting about it. This was something he needed to adjust to, and although I felt resentment about it, I understood. It had taken me a while to come to terms with it, too.
“Right, thank you.”
“Also, Braxton has a follow up appointment today, so I guess if you want some more insight into how Terrance is truly feeling, then you have a chance there.”
I nodded rapidly, seeing this as the only way. Terrance barely knew Nickie; he’d had minimal conversations with her while he was waiting in the hospital by Braxton’s side. If I really wanted to know where his head was, I would have to ask his friend. After all, I couldn’t ask him.
“Yeah, I think that’s what I’ll do.” I picked myself up and raced towards the bathroom, almost forgetting that my friend was there. “Oh and thanks, Nickie!” I called out behind me. “I really appreciate it.”
“Do you want me to come with you?” I heard as I flicked the shower on, a burst of positivity finally there inside of me. “I mean, I can just wait in the car if you’d like.”
“Oh yeah, sure, thank you.” I needed all the support that I could get right now, and I was lucky to have such a good friend. “I won’t be long.”
***
I hated lurking in the waiting room like a creeper, but I wasn’t sure how long Braxton was going to be in his appointment, and the more time that passed, the less convinced I was that I’d be able to make this appear like a chance encounter.
I wanted to find out what Terrance was thinking. I didn’t want to make things worse by letting him know that I’d become something of a stalker.
“Hey there, Morgan, you okay?” Rae, the ditzy girl from HR walked past me, barely brushing her arm across my back. I gave her a smile, but I couldn’t force any words past my lips for fear of bursting out the truth. Sooner or later, I’d have to have that chat with human resources, but not right now.
I almost missed the moment Braxton walked past me. In fact, if he hadn’t seen me, then maybe this whole trip would’ve been a waste.
“Oh hi, Braxton,” I grinned at him, my face heating up as I already felt like I’d been caught out. “How are you doing?”
“Good.” He nodded happily. “It seems I’m healing well, and I can reduce the meds soon, so that’s good.”
“Oh, wonderful.” We stared awkwardly at one another for a few moments, before I felt compelled to continue. There was no point in beating around the bush. “So, I suppose you know by now that I told Terrance about...” I pointed to my stomach, not wanting to verbalize that aloud right now. “And, that he didn’t take it well.”
“Yeah, I saw him.” He gave me a sympathetic look. “And, I know he’s freaked out at the moment, but I can assure you that he’ll come around. He’s a good guy, he just needs time. I know he’s not been the best, but he will be. Trust me.”
“Right.” I nodded, wishing that I could trust his words. I knew that he meant them, I just wasn’t sure if he could see his friend as objectively as I hoped. “Well, I hope you’re right. And, I hope you get better soon.”
As Braxton left me, I felt none the wiser. Maybe this hadn’t been the best plan, after all. I felt as confused and messed up as before. I was just lucky to have Nickie outside waiting for me to give me that support. Without her, I would probably fall apart.
I walked almost aimlessly back towards the car, my head way up in the clouds. I had no idea if anyone was even talking to me, I couldn’t pay attention to anything. I was just walking...
“Are you alright?” Nickie stood, pressed up against the car, waiting anxiously for me. “You look very pale. Do you feel sick?”
“No I... I just feel weird. Braxton said... Well, he just said to wait. I know that he’s right, it makes a lot of sense, but I’m impatient. And scared.” I got into the car and turned to look at my friend who’d done the same as me.
“I just want to know either way. Right now, I’m in limbo. I have no idea whether I’ll be doing this alone or not, and that’s terrifying. Even if I learn that Terrance wants nothing to do with me and our child, at least I can plan accordingly, you know?”
“Let me take you out to lunch,” she replied spontaneously. “Let’s go and take your mind off of this. Do something nice for you, you deserve it.”
“Thank you.” I appreciated the sentiment, but I wasn’t sure I could ever forget. This was going to haunt my mind until I got my answer. As I stared out the window, I could think of nothing else, and I didn’t think a simple lunch would change that. Still, I appreciated the effort, and I felt grateful to my friend.
***
I twisted my body around in my bed to grab my phone, just to see a name plastered across the screen to fill my heart with dread. I groaned loudly, feeling sick, but I hit the answer button anyway because again it had been too long. I could only avoid her for a certain period before she began to worry.
“Hi, Mom,” I answered sleepily, rubbing my eyes hard. “Are you okay?”
“Am I okay?” Her tight tone made me regret hitting that answer button. I should’ve known this would happen. “You’re the one who hasn’t spoken to me for ages again. Do you think I don’t worry? Does it not bother you that I might be scared?”
“It’s work...” I tried, but Mom jumped back in rapidly.
“I know it’s your job – it’s always your job. I just wonder if you ever have a life outside of it. I mean, you’ve been promising to come and see me for nearly a year now and you haven’t.”
I sighed as quietly as I could manage, hating every damn second of this conversation. “I know, Mom, and I will come and visit as soon as I get a chance...”
“Don’t you get time off? Vacations?” Everything I said only made her angrier.
Visiting you is not what I’d consider a vacation! “I will soon, I’m sure of it.”
“Okay, because I miss you. It’s lonely here.”
As I listened to her piling it on thick – I knew for certain that she had loads of friends and a very busy lifestyle – I thought about my next vacation. Maternity Leave it would be, and that was when it’d all become far too real.
I’d really have to get prepared, I’d have to start buying all the things that a baby needed. Sure I really didn’t want any money from Terrance, but maybe I’d have to ask for some even if he said no, just for the initial set up. I didn’t earn enough to buy a stroller and reams of clothing, diapers, and wipes, and...whatever else babies needed.
“Are you still there? You’re very quiet?” She tutted loudly, dragging me from my thoughts.
“Oh sorry, Mom, I’m just...”
“Tired, from work, I know.” She sighed loudly and angrily, her disappointment in me shining through. If only she knew how disappointed she really should be in me. “Right well I’ll let you get on with it. I’ll speak to you soon, okay?”
Mom, help me! I’m pregnant, and I don’t think the father wants to have any involvement in my life. But I’d never get the sympathy I truly wanted, so there wasn’t any point in saying any of that aloud.
“Bye, Mom, I’ll speak to you soon.”
Once she was gone, I flopped my head back onto my pillow and screamed loudly in frustration. All the horror that I felt inside burst free and for a split second I actually felt okay. But once the screaming was done, I felt like shit again.
I felt okay when I rubbed my belly, when I caressed my baby bump, but that was the love speaking. Love would only get me so far – there was reality, too, and that was still very difficult.