Chapter Thirty-Three
Xander (Wednesday)
“Latte, please,” I said glumly to the waitress in the coffee shop. “Thanks.” I couldn’t make my tone do anything other than reflect my bleak mood, even to be polite.
Ever since Lila told me to leave her alone at the hospital, I hadn’t known what to do with myself. I’d had a little chat with Kyle outside of the room, but of course that couldn’t solve anything. If Lila didn’t want me around, there was nothing her brother could do about that.
Okay, maybe I’d overstepped a boundary by paying off her medical bills – I had a feeling that her proud side wasn’t going to like that one bit – but I just wanted to help and she wouldn’t let me in any other way. I just didn’t want her to be worrying about money while she was in that hospital bed. At the time, it felt like I was doing the right thing, but now I was scared it would only add to her reasons for wanting to keep me away.
“Oh no.” Michael sat back, reading my expression as I joined him at the table. “That isn’t the face of someone who’s having a good day. What’s going on?”
“It’s Lila.” I shook my head and huffed loudly. “She’s in the hospital. That’s why she hasn’t been in touch.”
“Oh, my God.” Michael’s face fell. “Why? What happened? Was it some sort of accident?”
“Throat cancer.” Oh, God. Even using the word cancer to describe Lila hurt me deeply. It spiked into my heart and made me all icy cold inside. “The cough she had turned out to be cancer.”
Michael was stunned into silence, and I couldn’t blame him. That was exactly how I felt when I first heard the news... Well, that and total, all-consuming, unbridled panic. I decided if there was ever a time to get the whole story out, it was now.
“So, I went to the hospital to see her, but she told me to leave. She said she didn’t want to put me through it all and that if I was there with her, she’d be worrying about me the whole time.”
“And, what did you say to that?” he gasped. “I mean, that’s heavy; how did you even respond?”
“I guess I didn’t say anything. I just did as she asked and left.” I felt pathetic as I admitted that aloud. Maybe I should’ve fought harder. There were lots of things that I wanted to say, but I didn’t because I wanted to be respectful.
“Oh, God, was that the wrong thing to do?” My head fell into my hands as that hopelessness crept back through me once more. “Should I have refused to go?”
“No, no, I don’t think so.” He placed his hand on my back in a comforting gesture. “If that’s what she wants, then that’s what you should do. She’s the one going through all of this. If she said to leave, then you have to respect that.”
“Yeah?” I peeked back up at him, desperation coursing through me. “You think so?”
“Sorting things out between you two isn’t what she needs to do right now. She needs to get better. Maybe it’ll be better if you go home today. I don’t know how much work you’ll get done while you’re this worked up.”
“No, no,” I interjected quickly, sharply shaking my head. “If I’m at home, I’ll just drive myself crazy. I need to be doing something. Work is all I have.”
“All right.” He agreed with me, much to my surprise. He seemed to be much easier going about things ever since our chat. Maybe a lot of his pent-up aggression was keeping all that inside and to himself. Maybe now that he’d expressed some of it to me, he would be a little easier to deal with. “Let’s get going then. There’s lots to get done today.”
***
“Was that okay?” the girl, whose name escaped me, asked curiously into the mic. “How did it sound?”
Shit, I wasn’t listening at all. I was thinking about Lila the whole time, but I couldn’t admit that aloud. I still needed to remain professional – this was still my business after all. “Yeah, that sounded great. I think...”
“Xander.” Michael tapped me on the shoulder, causing me to spin around to look at him. I shot him a grateful glance, internally thanking him for saving me from that awkward moment. “Can I talk to you a minute?”
“Take five, guys.” I smiled weakly at the band, before following Michael away. Maybe I should’ve gone home when he suggested. My mind was not in the game. “Is everything all right?”
Michael gave me a little look, one that suggested he was about to tell me something I might not like. “I just got off the phone with Kyle...”
“You did? What did you call him for? Don’t interfere.” I wasn’t sure why that freaked me out so much. Maybe it was because I should have been the one to call Kyle. Why the hell didn’t I think of that?
“No, I wasn’t doing it to upset you. In fact, I didn’t mention you at all. I just told him that I knew Lila was in the hospital and that I’d be grateful if he kept me up to date.” He stared at me, almost challenging me, but this time I kept my mouth firmly clamped shut. “And, she’s at home.”
My heart stopped, and my eyes blinked a few times in shock. Lila was out of the hospital? Already? Was it safe for her to be at home? Rationally, I knew that the doctors wouldn’t have sent her home if it wasn’t, but terror overshadowed that completely.
“She’s... She’s home? She’s home?” If she was out of the hospital, what did that mean? Had she been given the all clear? No, that was silly. She couldn’t get better that quickly. But still...
“She still has to go through treatment, but she’s not being kept in anymore. I think... I think maybe you should go to her.”
“But what if she still doesn’t want me to? She hasn’t called me – that might mean she still wants me to keep away.”
God, I’d never experienced so much self-doubt in my life! Even during my awkward teen years when I was trying to figure myself out, I’d never been so confused. This was horrible; I didn’t even know what to do with myself. “I shouldn’t go if she doesn’t want me there. What you said before still stands. It’s her choice. She’s the one who’s ill. This all needs to be on her terms.”
“Kyle seems to think that she might want to thank you for paying off her medical bills.” Michael grinned, and I thought I could see some pride behind his gaze. “So, I think you need to go. Forget what I said before. That stood when she was in the hospital, but she isn’t anymore. Kyle looks out for her; if he thinks you should go, then you should go.”
Warmth filled my chest and happiness swirled in my stomach. Maybe Michael was right. Maybe I did need to go and see her after all. I certainly wanted to. I felt that intense pull in my stomach. I couldn’t wait to see Lila’s face again. Whether she wanted to see me or not, I had to at least try. I would regret it forever if I didn’t.
“Okay, yeah. I’m gonna go. Thanks, Michael, I appreciate it a lot.”
I raced from the studio, forgetting all about the band I’d not even been listening to as they recorded. Now, I could freely focus all my attention on Lila and how much I wanted to see her. Knowing that she was home was a good sign. At least I didn’t have to worry quite so much anymore.
***
My heart raced as I waited for Kyle to answer the door. I hadn’t warned him that I was coming, but he was probably still expecting it after speaking to Michael. Still, I couldn’t shake the fear that he was going to turn me away.
“Oh.”
But when the door swung open, it wasn’t Kyle standing there staring back at me. It was Lila, and I wasn’t sure if she looked shocked to see me or totally pissed off.
“Lila, I know that you told me to stay away, but please just give me a chance to talk to you,” I gushed, wanting to get my point across before she shut me out again. “Just for a minute.”
She glanced behind her, and for a horrible second, I feared that she was going to send me away. “Okay, sure.”
As I followed her into the front room, I tried to convince myself that this was a positive step, but still I wasn’t sure how much I believed it.
“Oh, hi, Xander.” Kyle grinned at me, while slinging a bag over his shoulder. “It’s good to see you. I’m just on my way out for the afternoon. I need to get back to the music shop to get some inspiration. Maybe I’ll see you later.”
“Okay, see you later.”
It seemed like he was just leaving to give us some time alone, for which I was grateful. There was a lot Lila and I needed to talk about, and it wouldn’t have been so easy to do with an audience.
As Lila sat down on the couch, I decided to sit next to her rather than opposite. I wanted to know if there any feelings were still there, and I figured the only way I could do that would be to allow our bodies to touch a little. If that fission of electricity was still there, we’d both be able to feel it.
“Look, I just want to say thank you for paying off the medical bills for me,” she started stiffly, her whole body fixed in a very firm position. “Of course, I’ll pay you back.”
“Oh, I know that.” I grinned. “I didn’t think I’d get away with that one so easily.”
She must’ve been shocked for me to agree because she burst into unexpected laughter. “That’s great.” Her expression softened, and I could feel her relaxing a little bit. “Look, I’m sorry for being such a crazy bitch at the hospital. I know I must have hurt your feelings. I was just so freaked out.”
“No, no, I totally get it. You don’t have to apologize.” I turned to face her and placed my hand on her arm to draw her nearer. As I did, I felt a powerful spark digging into my chest. There was definitely still something there between us. There was no denying that!
“I’m just glad that you’re okay, and if you’ll have me, I want to be around to help you now. I don’t want you to have to go through this alone. If you don’t want me still, I get it. But if you do...”
I left the question hanging in the air while I waited for her to think it through. Internally, I was pleading desperately with her, but outwardly, I just about managed to keep my cool.
“I don’t want you to go anywhere,” she finally admitted, shrugging awkwardly. “I guess I’m just scared of putting you through this with me.”
“I want to be here, and if you want me, then I’m not going anywhere!”
We sat there, smiling at one another, both lost in our own little bubble, and there honestly wasn’t anywhere else in the world that I’d rather have been.