Lourdes

“I’m going outside. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

“Lourdes,” Rachel says.

I stop halfway through the kitchen and look over my shoulder to find her her clutching another of Ivy’s sweet dresses so tightly, it’s going to be a wrinkled mess. She looks at me for a moment and shakes her head back and forth.

“Never mind.”

I run my fingers along the inside of the necklace Terrell gave me four years ago and frown.

“What is it, Rach?”

“Nothing. Go play with your baby.” She waves her hands toward the sliding doors that lead out back where I hear Blake and the kids laughing.

“Okay,” I say and pause to look toward the sliding door and back at her.

It’s not like her to be so peculiar, but when I look one last time, she’s folding laundry and watching Wheel of Fortune. Strange.

Out back, it’s dusk and the kids are running around catching fireflies in a jar with Blake. For the first time all day, I smile and my heart warms. I may have problems, but I have a beautiful son and a loving family. I’m one of the lucky ones.

“Hey, buddy!” I say, scooping my little bug hunter up over my head.

“Bugs!” he yells.

“Hey, Lourdes, how’d it go today? Do you think you’ve got that scholarship locked down?”

“Na, they don’t subscribe to Law School Parenting Weekly, but it’s all right. I’ll figure it out.”

“You know I’d pay your tuition if I could, don’t you?”

I rest my hand on Blake’s shoulder.

“I know. Believe me, if there is anything I know, it’s how messed up the legal system is.”

Blake has been fighting two huge cases against medical supply companies for several years. He and Rachel are stretched really thin right now while waiting for settlements. All of their money is tied up in paying to represent his clients. When someone finally makes a move, they will be set for life, but for now, they can’t spare the cash.

“Did Rachel tell you about our idea?”

“Uh no, she started to say something when I was coming out here, but she clammed up. What was that all about?”

“Shit, maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Shit, shit, shit,” Toby parrots, and I laugh before I realize I should be scolding him instead.

“Shit, I mean crap. Sorry. I forget they copy everything at this age,” Blake says.

“It’s all right. Toby, we don’t say shit, okay? it’s not a nice word.”

He looks up at me with his dark brown eyes. Terrell’s eyes.

“Not nice,” he repeats shaking his head.

“That’s right, not nice.”

He nods and breaks out of my arms when a firefly buzzes past his face, and Ivy screeches when one lands on her arm.

“What were you going to say, Blake? What’s Rachel keeping from me?”

“Okay, well I’m not sure she wants me to say anything, but we were talking about ways that you could earn a lot of money quickly, and that made me think of my friends, Jack and Carla, who are trying to have a baby.”

I roll my lips inward and cock my head to the side.

“Not sure I’m following you here, Blake. What’s that got to do with college money?”

“Well, they can’t have kids, so they are hiring a surrogate, and the money they are paying her is . . . well, it’s a lot. I don’t know if it’s anything you would ever consider, but it’s a thought. I mean, I hate to see you postpone school for a whole year, ya know? It might be worth looking into. I don’t know. Maybe it’s a lame idea. I can’t imagine going to college and being pregnant, but I know how much you want this.”

“Surrogacy? Shit.”

Toby turns away from Ivy and points his little chubby finger at me.

“Not nice, not nice.”

“I know, baby. I’m sorry. You’re right—not nice.”

“Rachel’s probably gonna kill me for mentioning it. She wasn’t sure we should say anything. But, Lourdes, it’s a legal way to earn money, and I could represent you. Just think about it.”

“It’s a lot to think about, I’ll admit, but yeah, I will.”

Having a baby for someone else is serious business. My pregnancy with Toby was a breeze compared to the horror stories of preterm labor and nausea I hear my friends talking about, but that doesn’t mean it will be the same way again. And having a stranger’s baby inside of me and carrying it around for almost a year, only to go through the hell of labor and hand the baby over to someone else? I don’t know if I can do that. I’ll never forget the way my heart grew two sizes the moment Toby was placed in my arms and how hard I fell in love with his little face, his little hands, his tiny, wrinkled nose.

No, I can’t do it. I’ll find another way to get my tuition. Having someone else’s baby isn’t an option. It’s too emotional, and what would people think?