Kimber

As upset as I am, I know driving while crying with a baby in the backseat is a bad idea. I don’t know anybody in Jewel Falls well enough to pop in and cry on their shoulder for a couple of hours while I plan my next move.

The closest friend I have is Tiana and she lives across the street from the one place I don’t want to be anymore. I’d go home to my mother’s but it’s too far to drive in my condition. And frankly, I’m too embarrassed to show up on her doorstep crying about my second failed relationship in one year.

I may end up driving the hour trip home later but for now sitting in the lot of a park a couple of miles away from our house is going to have to do.

I’m grateful Grayson has chosen now to be a cooperative quiet baby. He didn’t even wake up when I transferred him from his crib into this car seat to leave.

I get out and slide into the backseat next to him and watch him sleep while I cry some more. I try to be a strong woman and roll with the punches but the last year has brought me to my knees more than once and this is the last straw.

Julián and I based our relationship on honesty, we talked about truth and its importance at length when we first started dating. I never wanted to get involved with someone who wasn’t being completely honest with me… again.

I thought I’d found the perfect man. Mom always said if it seems too good to be true it probably is. It breaks my heart to admit she was right. There is no such thing as perfect but Julián was close.

My phone beeps for the twentieth time in the past forty minutes. I look at the screen through tear-filled swollen eyes. All of the calls and messages are from Tiana except for the last one. It’s from Julián.

He must know I’m gone now. It’s barley been long enough for him to turn around and come home from the base. He must have been driving way over the speed limit and he’s not a speeder.

He’s not a rule breaker in general, he doesn’t do quick stop and go’s through stop signs. He makes a full stop and looks both ways before driving through. If someone gives him the wrong change he always corrects the person, whether it’s to his benefit or not. He never texts while driving, he tips more than he needs to, the list goes on and on.

But he kept his dangerous family a secret from me and endangered my life and my baby’s life and that is something I cannot wrap my mind around.

Manuel Jesus Garcia is a household name, he’s not some street thug. He’s one of the biggest criminals of our time. Julián must have known I wouldn’t want to be involved with someone who could bring that kind of evil into my life. That has to be why he refused to talk about them.

Different morals, I snort. What an understatement. Julián went north when his family went south. It’s hard to believe he chose such an honorable career that is so different from his family’s business. I wonder how that happened.

I caress Grayson’s chubby pink cheek with the back of my knuckle and think about his future. I want the best for him. If I stay with Julián, I’ll always worry about retaliation and revenge for situations I have nothing to do with.

What if his uncles try to corrupt him when he grows up to stick it to Julián for turning his back on his family? What if someone kidnaped Grayson and held him ransom to get money from the Garcia family? The list of possible scenarios goes on forever.

Even if I could forgive him for not telling me who he is, I don’t see a way for us to have a safe future together as a family.

I’m exhausted from the stress of this morning. It’s still cool enough outside to crack the windows and lock the doors while I close my eyes for a few minutes and nap. Grayson will wake me up when he’s hungry and knowing the way he eats, that won’t be long.

I use one of the many baby blankets in a bag by my feet as a pillow. I turn my body to face Grayson and stuff it under my head closing my eyes. I want to escape with sleep and forget for a few minutes how my life has been unexpectedly derailed this week.

I want to have a dream that none of this is true. Caleb doesn’t want shared custody, Julián isn’t the son of a drug lord, and I’m not sleeping in my car in a park with my seven-week-old infant son.

The shitty thing about having a good dream is that you always wake up to reality.