Chapter Thirteen

By the time I reached the office, I was shaking and crying. I swore I wouldn’t cry over Neil anymore, but there was a part of me that desperately wanted him to acknowledge the pain he had caused me and Cody. I wanted him to truly understand what he had done. Deep in my heart, I knew he never would, but for a split second today I thought maybe he got it. Once again, though, he disappointed me. I needed to quit giving him that power.

I fanned my eyes and blew my nose, trying to get rid of the evidence of my breakdown. Judging by the trucks in the parking lot, I knew my brothers were there. It was one thing for Avery to see me in this state, but the men in my life liked to pretend I was handling it. They were fixers, and they knew this wasn’t something they could make better. If only they knew that they were making it better. Sometimes all I needed was their arms, especially my dad’s. And the way Peter and James took Cody under their wings meant more to me than they would ever know.

With most of the evidence of my tears gone, I headed in, taking deep breaths as I went. I was getting better, I reminded myself. I didn’t even wince this morning when I looked in the mirror and got ready. That was progress. And Autumn Moone knew who I was, along with a bunch of other women I didn’t know. Not to mention there was that sneak peek to read over and over again. Now I was sounding pathetic. But I was trying.

Avery’s face lit up when I walked in, only to be doused when she took a second glance at me. She came running around the front desk. “What’s wrong, honey?”

I apparently hadn’t done a good job of hiding my episode. I should have touched up my makeup, but I hadn’t carried any around in months. I figured, why bother? I couldn’t even stand to look at me, so who else could? I found myself wrapped up in Avery’s toned arms. It had been a frequent occurrence the past year, which made me feel guilty, considering her own loss.

I sank into her. “Neil called.”

She swore in French under her breath and held me closer. She had spent a semester abroad in college and loved using her multi-lingual skills when she was angry. She always said it came in handy as a wife and mother. “He didn’t ask for another chance again, did he?”

“No. He asked me to take down my blog.”

“He read it?” There was a lot of glee in her voice.

“Supposedly Roxie is a fan of Autumn Moone too. I’ll try not to let that affect my love for Ms. Moone.” I sniffled.

James and Peter came walking in from the side door. I left the comfort of Avery’s arms, but it was too late. I had been caught.

“What’s happened now?” James approached, his overprotective brother jaw was tight. He could be a menacing creature if he wanted to be. He was tall and muscular. His jet-black hair with strands of gray gave off a shrewd look. In reality, he had a heart of gold and was mostly a teddy bear, unless you messed with his family.

“I’m fine.” I smoothed out my white eyelet blouse.

James narrowed his gray eyes. Like I said, he was reluctant to know anything he couldn’t fix.

Avery swatted her husband’s arm. “Leave your sister alone. Neil called her about her blog.”

“The one she wrote about her sex life?”

Peter’s green eyes went wide and Avery rolled her pretty blue eyes.

“I didn’t write about my sex life,” I defended myself.

“What was all that crap, then, about you making love all night long? Hell, had I known you and Neil were having sex, I may have killed him.”

“You’re so immature. How do you think Cody got here?”

“We believe in virgin births.”

Peter and Avery laughed at James.

James pulled me to him for a hug. “Maybe I’ll kill him anyway.”

See? He was a fixer.

I nodded against his chest. “Just don’t tell me how or when. I don’t want to have to testify against you.”

“Don’t worry. I have some friends that would be willing to bury a body for me, no questions asked.”

Avery walked off. “You’re all talk.”

James gave me a good squeeze. “Just say the word and he’s gone.”

“I’ll let you know.” I pushed away from him. I wasn’t fond of his cologne; it smelled like rubbing alcohol to me, unlike Reed’s. Why had I thought that? Reed kept popping up in my mind at odd times the last couple of days.

“Are you okay?” Peter asked. He was a fixer too, but out of all the Decker men, he was the most sensitive.

I took a deep breath and let it out. “I’m just realizing I was married to the most selfish person on the planet.”

Peter gave me a soft look. It suited his smooth, angular cheeks and light brown hair that shined like an angel’s. He was a handsome kid. See me calling him a kid? Reed’s emasculated cringe popped into my head. Reed really needed to quit doing that.

“I don’t think he was always that way.” Peter tried to see the best in everyone. “You wouldn’t have married him if he was.”

“Honestly, sometimes I wonder if I was blinded.”

Peter stepped closer and rested his strong hand on my shoulder. “It was him that was blinded, by worldly pursuits.” Sometimes his priest side came out.

“Is that a nice way of saying sex?”

“There you go with that word again,” James shouted over by the coffee pot.

“You say it all the time.”

“That’s because I’m a man; it’s what we think about ninety-five percent of the time. Baby sisters should be thinking about flowers and bunnies.”

Avery and I both gave James an are you serious look.

“I hate to burst your bubble, honey, but Sam and I talk about sex all the time.” That was true on occasion. Avery gave me an evil grin.

James about choked on his coffee. He grabbed some napkins to wipe his shirt where he dribbled coffee on it. “Did you tell her about—”

I put up my hand. “Don’t say a word.” I wasn’t sure what he was going to say, but like him, I didn’t want to discuss his sex life with him. With Avery it was one thing. And we never got detailed. It was more along the lines of what was going on with our bodies and frequency issues. For her, sometimes it was too frequent; for me and Neil, it had come to a screeching halt.

Avery was laughing hysterically while Peter was trying not to. I noticed his cheeks were a tinge pink.

Avery and James started in with each other about why Avery was talking to me about their sex life, but Peter flicked his head toward the side door. “Do you want to go for a walk? James and I have an hour before we have to get to the property on State Street.”

I nodded and followed Peter out the door he kindly held open for me. The lovebirds were ramping up and their voices carried, even out the closed door.

“Those two.” I shook my head.

Peter chuckled and followed me down the steps.

We walked past slats of stone and turf for their job today, heading toward the neighboring orchard. It was already warm at nine in the morning, but the humidity was down.

“How are you really, sis?” Peter shoved his hands in his shorts’ pockets.

“I have my moments.”

“Delanie really loved your post. She thought it was cool that Autumn Moone put it on her website.”

“Does Delanie read Autumn Moone’s books? I always pegged her as someone who read self-help and social causes books.”

Peter shrugged. “She loves Autumn’s books.”

“Autumn? Are you acquainted with her books too?”

“There is nothing wrong with a man being interested in what his wife reads.”

I couldn’t help grinning. I nudged him with my shoulder. “You’re a good guy. Delanie’s a lucky girl.” Neil would have never done such a thing for me. And I know James wouldn’t be caught dead reading a romance novel.

“I’m the lucky one.” Such love ran through his words for his bride of three years.

“She’s great.”

Peter stopped and kicked a rock on the gravel path we were on. “Do you think you could spend some time with Delanie? She’s feeling out of place in our family.”

That sent a pang through my heart. “Of course. I’m so sorry I’ve been too wrapped up in my own life to notice. Or to do anything about it. I know Ma hasn’t been as kind as she should be.” I felt terrible for not making more of an effort with her. The way she came into our family was unconventional, scandalous by Ma’s estimation. Peter had just up and left the priesthood and eloped with Delanie. When he brought her home from Phoenix, we were all in shock.

“That’s putting it mildly. Delanie doesn’t want to come to Sunday dinners anymore.”

“Tell her I want her there. I’ll talk to Ma, and I’ll be better about including Delanie in conversation. And now that I know she loves Autumn Moone books, I’ll invite her to Avery’s and my secret book club.”

We should have anyway, but Avery and I both thought it wasn’t her thing. Delanie was a content manager, or something like that, for an online publication. She didn’t really like to talk about her work, which I thought was odd. But I had looked at the website and saw some published pieces about how fictionalized fantasy ruins relationships. We figured she agreed with the kind of articles that were published on the site. And I noticed that occasionally she wrote some of the articles. They were always raw and gritty. The topics dealt with poverty, censorship, the sexualization of children, etc. They were well written, and I tried to talk to her about them, but like I said, she did her best to avoid it. That didn’t help with her relationship with Ma. Ma found her to be secretive. But Avery and I shouldn’t have assumed she wouldn’t want to join our Hunter Black fan club.

“You know that’s not a secret, right? James knows all about you and Avery lusting over Hunter Black.”

I giggled. “The fact that you know his name kills me.”

“Happy wife, happy life. And don’t you think I kind of resemble Hunter?” He held his chin in a model pose.

I took ahold of his muscular bicep and laughed more than I had in a long while. And no, I would not be picturing my baby brother as the object of my desire. Once my laughter died down, we began our slow walk again. “I can tell you’re happy.”

“You have no idea. I never knew life could be this good. I thought nothing could bring me more joy than dedicating my life to God, but I was wrong.” He smiled down at me. “Does that sound terrible?”

“Not at all. You found your purpose. I’m happy for you.” I tried to keep the envy out of my voice.

Peter placed his hand over mine on his arm. “Your day will come, sis.”

“I had my day.”

“And you will again.”

“I don’t know. I would hate to make anyone commit adultery on my behalf.”

Peter’s mouth twitched. “Mimsy means well. She values tradition.”

“I value fidelity.”

“As you should.”

We walked in silence for a few steps. “You know, I ran into Reed last night. We ended up having dinner together.”

“Really?” He didn’t sound as surprised as I thought he would have.

“I think maybe he could use some of your attention.”

“Is something wrong?”

“I don’t think so. But I get the feeling that he’s looking for connections. You know, his roots.”

Peter tilted his head and scrunched his forehead. “Are you sure? That doesn’t sound like Reed, and when I talked to him a couple of days ago, he seemed good.”

“I’m not saying he’s not. Maybe lonely is a better word. I mean, why else would he want to have dinner with me?”

A smile crept across Peter’s face.

“What’s that Cheshire grin for?”

“Did it ever occur to you that he likes you?”

“Sure, in that we-knew-each-other-way-back-when sort of way. And he’s Cody’s coach.”

Peter’s smile only grew.

“Am I missing something?”

“I think so.”

“What?”

“I think I’m going to let you figure that out.”