Chapter Forty-One
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t tell him after that.”
Like a teenager, I was sitting on the floor of my closet having whispered phone conversations with a man I was secretly dating and would be for the foreseeable future, as long as he was still okay with it. Was that wrong? Was I lying to my son now?
Reed was awfully quiet for longer than was comfortable. “It’s understandable.”
“He’s been through a lot.”
“You both have.”
“I really am sorry.”
“Don’t be. Cody comes first, I get that.”
“We can still grocery shop tomorrow. It’s what I’ve always wanted for my birthday.”
“It’s probably not a good idea for us to go out in public anymore.”
I leaned back against the wall in my closet. “You’re probably right.”
“I’m beat. I’m going to head to bed.”
“I guess that’s what happens when emotional women show up at your doorstep in the middle of the night.” I tried to add some humor and longevity to the conversation. I didn’t want to end on this note.
Reed wasn’t taking the bait. “Goodnight, Sam.”
“Goodnight.” I stared at my phone after we hung up. Loss filled me. What was I going to do? I felt like I had moved into the space between the rock and the hard place. No matter which way I went, I felt like I would hurt someone I cared about.
Reed was right, though, Cody came first. Maybe in a couple of months Cody would feel different. So maybe Reed and I couldn’t see each other as often, but we could still see each other. It’s not like anything had really changed, except it felt like there had been a major paradigm shift. I couldn’t understand it. If we were only having fun, why did it matter if it was private or public?
I took to my blog. My feelings needed an outlet, even if I couldn’t express exactly what I was going through.
Tomorrow I turn the big 4-0. I smell a mid-life crisis the size of the Sears Tower coming on. Okay, it will probably be more like me going crazy and throwing in some towels with my jeans when I wash them. I know, I live on the wild side over here. I should probably invest in more lint rollers. Besides that, I will probably down half the chocolate pudding cake I plan to make myself. Which brings me to some life lessons I’ve learned during this supposed first half of my life:
- Don’t buy jeans that you think you will fit into. You never will.
- Don’t wear those jeans. Just because you can zip them up with the help of a crane doesn’t mean they fit. UTI’s are not fun, sisters.
- If something feels wrong, it is. Don’t run from it. If you do, it will run right over you when you least expect it. Face it head on. It won’t take the pain away, but there is power in choice. Choosing to go through the obstacle rather than being forced lends you amazing strength and a sense of control.
- Act. If you don’t, someone else will, and you won’t like it. Guaranteed.
- Leave the dishes until morning. The world will not come to an end. I promise. I didn’t used to believe it, but I’ve tried it a few times and I’ve never died. There’s always tomorrow, though.
- Lick the spoon.
- Raw cookie dough is worth risking salmonella poisoning. You only live once, might as well enjoy it.
- Cereal can replace any meal.
- Frozen food will not kill your family, at least not while you are feeding it to them.
- Fat weighs less than muscle. I’ll let you proceed with that information how you best see fit.
- Don’t let the number on the scale rule your mood. P.S. remind me of this daily.
- The next step is always the most important step you will ever take.
- You can always take a step back if you need to.
- Send thank-you notes.
- It’s okay if you don’t know everything.
- Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
- You don’t find your soul mate, you make them.
- Don’t take what’s not yours, especially someone’s spouse.
- It’s okay to burn bridges.
- Look back to learn, but don’t dwell.
And maybe life is like a box of chocolates and you never know what you’re going to get. But don’t be afraid to spit that crappy filled piece of chocolate right out of your mouth. Try every piece in the box until you get the right one. And once you get the right one, a new box will come along, and you’ll have to start over. That’s life. It’s a series of starting over and over.
Here’s to forty.
Sidelined Wife in Chief
Reed was one of those pieces of chocolate I wasn’t too sure about, but once I was brave enough to taste it, I liked it. A lot. But now I wondered if I had soured in his mouth. Or perhaps I wasn’t exactly the filling he was looking for. I knew things would eventually end, but I wasn’t ready. I enjoyed our friendship and rendezvous. I thought he had too. Some part of me maybe even thought there could be more someday.
~*~
I never thought I would start forty this way: divorced, single parent, in some weird relationship with a guy I once babysat, and more confused than ever about life.
My birthday was going to be a low-key affair owing to the big party on Saturday. It started with a text from Reed wishing me a happy birthday, but even from his text I could tell something was off. There were no teases about what he would like to be doing to me or plans for seeing each other. It was just, Happy birthday, Sam. Have a great day. My fans on Facebook were more personal than that. I got smiley faces and hearts from them. Even all caps from some. And wishes for the best year ever.
I decided to take my own advice and acted instead of waiting to be acted upon. I didn’t want to lose Reed’s presence in my life.
Thank you. Cody might stay with his grandma next weekend. If he does, I would like to make you dinner at my place. I could wear that black dress.
I waited for his reply while I made Cody breakfast. Reed was taking longer than normal to reply. Maybe I should have called.
The oatmeal was done and in bowls by the time I got his response.
It’s a date.
Maybe not as enthusiastic as usual, but I would take it.
Can’t wait.
Me either.
That was better.
So maybe all would be right in the world, at least for the day.
~*~
My birthday had a surprise after all. Delanie called me mid-afternoon while I was at work.
“Are you sitting down?”
“Yes, but now I feel like I should stand up in case I need to get help.”
“You might want a paper bag to breathe into. You’re going to be on TV.”
It felt like a vessel in my brain popped. No words would form for several seconds. “What?”
“Kevin called. He wants you as a client, bad. He’s booked you a gig, free of charge.”
“I don’t do gigs.”
“You do now.”
“No. No.”
“You haven’t even heard what it is.”
“You said ‘TV.’ Enough said. The camera adds like fifty pounds and highlights your wrinkles.”
She laughed. “You don’t have wrinkles and you’re thin. You have nothing to worry about.”
“I know, because I’m not doing it.”
“You can’t pass this up.”
“What is ‘this’?”
“Have you ever watched Weekend Musings on channel ten?”
“A few times, but it’s been awhile.”
“Well, brush up on it, because they want you to come on and make your ‘protein balls’ and chat with them. No big deal.”
“This is huge, like the-Cub’s-winning-the-World-Series huge.”
“I understand why you may feel like that, but these local weekend morning shows don’t have huge ratings. Think of it like dipping your toe into the pool to see if you want to dive in.”
“This is insane.”
“It’s mini-insane.” Delanie was quick with a comeback.
“Then I’ll only have a mini heart attack.”
“Does this mean you’ll do it?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“I’ll be there with you. I’ll make sure they give us a list of questions they might ask.”
“They do that?” I drummed my fingers on the desk.
“These types of shows are more scripted than you think.”
“Huh. That’s disappointing.”
“The exposure would be good, and it would really add some legitimacy to your brand.”
“I can’t believe I have a brand.”
“Well, you do, and like any living thing, it has to be fed.”
“What if it eats me up whole?” That was a real question and one I’d been thinking about lately.
“That will only happen if you let it. I’ll come with you. Avery can come too.”
“I’m going to have to think about it. Like forever.”
“You have until tomorrow morning. They had a cancellation so they are scrambling to fill it and need to know sooner rather than later.”
“No pressure there.”
She laughed. “I’ll call you later to talk you into it.”
I was going to need a lot more than a pep talk. A lobotomy was coming to mind.