Chapter Four

Nights were the worst. My mind not only raced, but it replayed every gut-wrenching moment of the past eight months. From the second Neil confessed his supposed one-time indiscretion to the real truth. Or at least as far as I knew. I wasn’t sure what was real anymore. He was gone, and all I knew was the king-size bed felt too big. Loneliness filled the room with the tray ceilings I had insisted on having.

I stared up at the ceiling fan spinning in a circle in the dark. It wasn’t far from how I felt. I needed to get off that track and start to live again. I needed to do more than go through the motions like the fan above me. Cody needed to see that his mom was thriving, not just putting one foot in front of the other. So I had been sidelined, benched really. That sparked an idea.

I sat up and reached for my laptop on the nightstand. I was declaring my independence. Not like the divorce decree hadn’t made that clear already, but it’s different when it’s by choice. I did choose the divorce, but there was no other choice. Neil’s one-night stand turned into a full-blown relationship. He blamed it all on Roxie; she wouldn’t let him be. She threatened and bribed him. He couldn’t say no. Those were all excuses. I had believed his lies of it being a one-night stand. I even tried to work it out, and we sought counseling. The whole time he was still seeing her. I only found out about the pregnancy because I took his car one night. Over the car’s Bluetooth I heard her on his mobile phone when I pulled into the garage. Their conversation came through loud and clear. I heard the distinct words, “I’m pregnant, Neil.”

All the hurt and anger I already felt about his betrayal compounded and left me shattered. The man I had given my all to had decided I wasn’t enough. That was the last night he ever spent in this house. Now he lived in an apartment near downtown Chicago. Roxie lived there too, though he still wouldn’t admit it to me. I’m not sure why he bothered lying. I wondered if he was going to marry her. I asked him once out of masochistic stupidity. I had learned it was better to know the painful truth than live a lie. And I had a right to know because of Cody. He shook his head no, but he wouldn’t look me in the eye.

I turned on my laptop and logged into the blog I had started several years ago chronicling the Higgins Family. When the blog came up, our last family photo taken a year ago on the shores of Lake Michigan stared back at me. I almost lost it, but I was done losing myself. I was going to rediscover Samantha Decker. Tonight, I was more than starting a new chapter. I was ending one book and starting another. I began to type as fast as my fingers and mind would allow.

I don’t think people read family blogs anymore, but for those that do and that don’t already know, there is a family here no more. At least, not the one that was portrayed in the pictures and posts. I didn’t know I was lying when I wrote all those sappy lines about how amazing my life was and how blessed I was to have a husband that loved me even if he at times drove me mad. But it was all a lie, except for my entries about Cody. He’s still the perfect kid and no one is changing my mind on that, not even him.

From now on it will only be the Cody and Samantha Show. It kind of has ring to it. I mean, who needs a husband, anyway? There’s a lot less laundry and dishes now. And I can even blare my music in the morning when I get ready. So maybe I cuddle up to chocolate mousse pie at night, but there is no one to remind me how it causes heart disease or a few extra pounds. I always wanted dimples; I might as well get a few on my butt. It’s not like anyone will see them, except maybe me. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea, but wow, was it delicious. More delicious than stale morning breath, I’ll tell you that. I don’t miss that one bit.

You know what else I don’t miss? I don’t miss feeling alone in a relationship that was so one-sided. You ladies know what I’m talking about. We are the ones who scrimp and save to get by in those early years. We do all we can to make sure their dreams are realized. That the careers they longed for become realities. We bear the burdens of day-to-day life, from taking care of the children, to grocery shopping, cleaning, and making sure a nice meal awaits them. We don’t get days off or even recognized for what a luxury it is for them to have a spouse at home holding down the fort. Some of us even have to work outside the home just to make ends meet at times, yet we still carry the weight of what makes a family function.

We are still the ones to get up all hours of the night with fussy infants or sick toddlers. We help with homework and shuttle children to and from school and a million activities. Somewhere in the middle of that we are running the errands our husbands never have the time for. Oh, and we’re still supposed to look sexy while doing it all.

But what happens to those first wives, the first string, the ones who made their teams winners and held it all together, who came through with miraculous saves in the fourth quarter all for their spouse’s glory and honor? The ones who never failed to score and make it all count? I’ll tell you what happens. We get tired, and crow’s feet start to appear. Our firm abs get stretchmarks from bearing their children, and it never seems to be the same no matter how many crunches you do. Our bathroom counters start being lined with anti-wrinkle and anti-aging cream, anything to turn back the clock on the bodies we’ve tried so hard to maintain for them even though we never had the time to put ourselves first.

They think we don’t notice the little glances that linger longer on the younger women that pass by these men we’ve pledged our all to. The ones that we’ve let gracefully age, and even found their gray hair attractive and took pride in their laugh lines because those lines reminded us that we played a part in their happiness.

For all our effort and sacrifice, we get sidelined just when it starts getting really good. When that career he spent all his time on starts paying off and your children are older and don’t need constant attention. That place where you think you can get back to the two of you and start living out your dreams of traveling and maybe even making love all night long like you used to when it was all new.

But before you know it, the second string is called in and you’ve been taken out of the game. You don’t even know why, other than the new lineup is much younger and they think the moon and the sun rise in the pig’s pants. The new string only sees a paycheck. They don’t see the blood, sweat, and tears of the woman behind the man that got him there in the first place. They will never know what real love is, or what they destroyed. They may score some points, but they will never be champions, not of him or in life. But maybe someday, when gravity and time begin to make their appearance, they too will learn what it’s like to live life on the sidelines.

For me, I’m choosing to live by my own game plan now. I’m more than someone’s wife. I am me.

I wiped the tears away each time I read over it, thinking I should delete it. But some voice called deep inside and said I should tell the truth. That it would set me free. And it’s not like anyone would ever read it. It felt like someone besides me clicked Publish.

I set my laptop aside and lay against my pillow. In the morning, I would probably take the whole site down. The Happy Higgins blog would be no more. I wasn’t sure it was ever true. But from here on out, I was living the truth. Cody and I would be happy. We didn’t need Neil for that. We never did.