Chapter Forty-Four

I should have been basking in the glow of more offers than I could count, of TV interviews, book deals, and sponsorships. Instead, I felt like I was wandering around in the dark, all while reality hit me.

I wasn’t as whole as I thought I was. Sure, I knew I was a mess, but I truly believed I was over Neil. But not wanting to be with someone and being over them are two starkly different things. That realization had me hating Neil more.

I hurt someone I truly cared about, albeit unintentionally, but he was hurt. I saw it in his eyes. And worse, I knew how it felt to love someone that didn’t love you back. Neil could profess that he still loved me all he wanted to, but his actions spoke the truth. Just like my actions spelled out to Reed where he stood.

The worst part was I didn’t know how to fix it or if I could. Was I damaged beyond repair? All I knew was when Reed left, he took something. Something I missed. Him.

Not only did he disappear from my life, but from every Decker, even Peter. It hadn’t gone unnoticed.

Peter stopped by my office the Monday before Thanksgiving. He and Delanie were leaving the following day for New York. I was probably more depressed than I had ever been, but like always, I was trying to hide my emotions. It was a horrible habit and had cost me dearly. But I didn’t even know where to begin.

Not only had Reed walked out of my life—or more like I’d pushed him—but Peter, Delanie, and Ma were still on the outs. It was causing marital discord between my parents. More and more when I was at my parents’, Dad was disappearing into their garage to tinker on the boat Ma hated. And Ma was digging in her heels, unwilling to even talk to Peter or Delanie until they apologized. Peter and Delanie, like the rest of us, weren’t sure what they had done, and Ma couldn’t articulate it. To top it off, it was the first time I would ever be spending Thanksgiving without Cody. I saved the advanced copy of A Black Night to help get me through, though I wasn’t sure it would help. Reading a romance was probably the last thing I needed, seeing I was incapable of having one of my own.

I was beginning to wonder if August Moone had some supernatural abilities beyond being unknown. She sent a card with the book that read, Embrace the night, learn what the darkness has to teach. You can never appreciate the light until you do. Then once the light comes, it will warm you and illuminate your path in ways you never dreamed of.

It was like she knew what I was grappling with. Maybe I should have been creeped out by it, but I took solace in her words. Though I had no idea how to embrace the night. I was afraid of the dark.

Peter peeked his handsome head into my office. Like all of us, some of the light was dimmed in his eyes. He was team Delanie one hundred percent, as he should have been, but family was important to Peter and he hated the separation between him and Ma. He had been a mama’s boy growing up. And James and I always suspected Peter was Ma’s favorite.

“Hey, sis. Can I talk to you?”

“Sure.” I turned away from my monitor. I was tired of updating vendor accounts anyway.

He shut my door and took the only other seat in the office, in front of my desk. He looked worn, with red cheeks from working out in the cold. They were finishing up a job for the city park, winterizing and redoing the mulch before the big snow came. He rubbed his cold, dry hands together and blew into them.

“You look like a lumberjack in your flannel shirt.”

He gave me a small smile. “Delanie finds it sexy.”

I knew someone else that liked flannel, but I didn’t mention it. “That’s true love, there.”

“Speaking of love.” He leaned forward. “Do you want tell me what’s going on between you and Reed?” Peter’s knowing eyes weren’t going to let me off the hook.

I took a deep breath and let it out. “I can honestly say, nothing.”

“Let me rephrase. What happened between you?”

My eyes betrayed me; they pooled with tears.

Peter handed me a tissue from the box that sat on my desk.

I took it and dabbed the corner of my eyes. “We were secretly dating, or at least I thought we were.”

He tilted his head. “Either you were or you weren’t.”

“I thought we were, but what I was really doing was hurting him.” Moisture continued to accumulate and run down my cheeks.

He handed me another tissue. “It looks like he wasn’t the only one hurt. What happened?”

I wrung the tissue in my hands. “I didn’t realize—or I wouldn’t admit it to myself—that he wanted more than I could give, more than I was ready for. I’m damaged goods, and I really suck at relationships.”

Peter shook his head. “That’s not true. You are a great friend, sister, mother, daughter, and you were a good wife.”

“Then why did Neil leave? And now Reed?” I begged to know.

Peter’s eyes said he wished he had an answer. “Have you ever asked Neil?”

“He thinks I made him leave.”

“What about Reed?”

“He says he’s willing to wait until I figure things out. He thinks I’m still hung up on Neil and closed off.”

Peter leaned back. “Is he right?”

My fists balled up. “I don’t love Neil.”

Peter reached across and placed his cold hand on top of my clenched one. His eyes were trying to reach me and understand my pain.

“You were married for a long time. That kind of love just doesn’t go away, even when a betrayal so deep has occurred. Maybe you’ve been hiding from the love to lessen the pain. That’s a natural reaction.”

“How could I still love him after everything he did to me?”

“Because you’re human, Sam. Loving him doesn’t make you less of a person, nor does it mean you should be together. But you have to go through the pain.”

“I feel like that’s all I’ve done,” I cried.

He squeezed my hand. “You have to forgive him, for yourself.”

“How do I do that?” I desperately wanted to know.

“We think that time heals wounds, and maybe it helps, but I’ve found that we must actively be doing.”

“Doing what?”

“All that we do requires action, faith, love, forgiveness. Even letting go and receiving love.”

I wiped my eyes. “It might be too late for Reed. He said he wouldn’t wait forever.”

“Sam, if we all waited to be whole to give or receive love, we would live in a very dark world indeed. We’re all broken. Some more than others, and some less than they think.” He gave me a little wink.

“I bet you were a good priest.”

He sat back. “I hope I’m a better husband.”

“I think you do okay there.” I gave him a small grin. “Thank you. I guess I have some work to do.”

“You’re not the only one.”

Was he talking about himself or someone else?