Chapter Twenty

We sat in Reed’s jeep with the top down, eating cheeseburgers and fries under the starry canvas in one of the forest preserves in Clearfield. Did I mention the forest preserve was closed? Reed took some back-access road he knew about. So to top it off I was breaking the law. I mean why not? I had already made a fool out of myself for the night, I might as well get arrested.

I looked out over the lake. The moon reflected in the ripples. The night had cooled off, making me glad I brought my jacket, though my legs were filled with goosebumps.

Reed was observant and slipped off his suit coat. “Take this.”

“I would hate to drop any food on it.”

“I’m already going to have to have it dry cleaned. Someone used it as a makeup wipe.”

I gave him a small smile. “I don’t wear that much makeup.”

“It’s one of the many qualities I like about you.” He handed me the suit coat.

I draped the charcoal jacket over my legs. His lingering body heat felt good against my skin. In the awkward silence, I ate a fry and observed how clean his jeep was. I was surprised. Peter and he were slobs growing up.

“Thanks for dinner, by the way.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say, and he seemed nervous. Not sure why. Maybe he was worried about getting caught, though he assured me we wouldn’t.

“You’re welcome. I’m glad you finally agreed to go out with me.”

I choked on my fry, coughing and spluttering.

He patted my back. “Are you okay?”

I was going to go with no. I held my chest and coughed one more time before taking a sip out of the bottle of water that came with my to-go meal. Once the coughing fit was over, I wasn’t exactly sure what to say. Did he mean what I thought he meant? Or was it a general getting-together kind of a thing? My gaze stayed fixed on the lake while I tried to process.

“Will you look at me?”

That was an odd request. “What?” I didn’t look at him.

He took the bottle of water out of my hands and placed it in the center console. “Sam, look at me.”

I turned my head slowly, as if I was fighting against an unseen force. My plan was to do a quick glance, and that’s what I did, but—

“Really look at me.”

My eyes shifted downward. “I did.” Why was he being so weird?

“No you didn’t. And you haven’t since I’ve been back.”

My head whipped his way, our eyes locked. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Every time I see you, I look at you.”

“You look for the boy you knew. He’s not there.”

“I know that.”

“Do you?”

“I don’t understand why this matters to you.” Or did I just not want to admit it?

He was silent while I peered into his eyes doing my best to see what it was he wanted. A strange thing happened as I looked deeper. I saw something. Me. What was I doing in them?

Reed leaned in. His scent made me catch my breath.

“Sam . . . what if I told you that I was attracted to you?”

I shook my head. I must have had an aneurysm or a stroke. Out of body experience? Maybe a loss of hearing. Lots of weird noises escaped my mouth, not one of them a word. I finally managed to say, “No, you’re not.”

He wasn’t amused. His jaw tightened, and he cleared his throat. “Obviously you’re not ready to hear this.”

If he wanted me to look at him, he succeeded. I couldn’t not look at him. “Why?” was all I could think of to say.

“Why aren’t you ready, or why am I attracted to you?”

“Sure,” I breathed out.

His facial features softened with a smile. “This wasn’t how I imagined us having this conversation.”

“How did you picture it?”

“Well, first of all, I was going to take you curtain shopping and drag that out for as long as I could.”

I returned his grin.

“That would have led to dinner. Throw some wine in there for good measure. And then I was going to lean across the table once we were both a little tipsy and tell you I’ve had a raging crush on you since I was thirteen. You would laugh and think I was joking. Then I would confess that I prayed to Saint Valentine to keep you single until I grew up. Damn fool, I’m still upset with him. He’s really let me down over the years. And not just with you.” Reed shook his head.

I sat still, in shock, trying to process what he was saying. And relating to him about Saint Valentine. I hated that guy and refused to ever ask for his help again. Reed wasn’t the only person he had let down.

“Reed you’re—”

“I’m what? Too young?”

“Well, yeah, kind of.” At least for me. I had never dated anyone younger.

“You’re thirty-nine and I’m thirty-four.”

“I’m going to be forty next month.”

“I’ll be thirty-five in March. Who cares?” He loosened his purple tie, whipped it off, and threw it in the backseat like he was getting down to business.

I turned away from him and stared aimlessly up at the cloudless night sky. “This is crazy. I can’t—”

“You can’t what?”

“I can’t date you.”

He reached over and took my hand. It felt different this time. More than a friendly gesture. “Please look at me. Really look at me.”

I faced him and took a deep breath. His smile, I noticed, had a smoldering quality to it. Wait. Had it been like that since he’d been back? He rubbed his thumb across my hand. Why wasn’t I pulling it away?

“Sam,” his voice was soft but deep, intimate. “If you hadn’t known me as a kid, would my age really bother you?”

That was a good question. But it wasn’t the only factor. “I don’t know, but you’re Cody’s coach, and I haven’t even thought about dating yet. I’m still a mess.”

“A beautiful mess.”

“Have you really liked me all this time?”

A sheepish smile played on his face. “This might be a good time to tell you it was Peter and me that let the air out of Neil’s tires on the night he proposed to you.”

“What?” I spat out.

“We overheard your mom talking about the big proposal and how he had asked your dad for your hand in marriage. Neither Peter nor I cared for the guy. Peter thought he was an uptight pansy, and I hated him because he was living out my teenage fantasy. I don’t know why we thought letting the air out of his tires was going to stop him from proposing.”

“I can’t believe that was you guys! You ruined my proposal.” Well, sort of. Neil could have asked me to marry him in a garbage truck and I would have said yes.

“What can I say? We were fifteen and stupid.”

“I’ll give you that.” Neil was so nervous that night that he didn’t even notice, and I was so wrapped up in him, I didn’t either. But it didn’t take long after we drove off to figure out something was wrong. Halfway up our street he got out, and when he realized what was wrong, he swore and kicked at the tires. But when he got back into the car, he looked at me, and it was like nothing else mattered to him. He pulled out the one carat princess-cut ring right then and there and asked me to be his bride. It was a fond memory, and one we laughed about for a long time. That was, until the laughter stopped and the ring came off.

“Did Peter know how you felt? Does he know now?”

“You’re the first person I’ve ever told.”

“I think both James and Peter are suspicious.”

“It’s hard when I’m around you to pretend I’m not attracted to you.”

“I think you’re mistaking attraction for something else.” I mean, I found him to be physically attractive.

He leaned in closer. His vanilla-shake breath lingered in the air between us. There wasn’t a lot of space, if truth be told. It wasn’t bad at all.

“I think you’re scared. I understand why you would be.”

Scared didn’t even cover it. “What do you even know about me?”

“I know you’re witty as hell. I’ve been reading your blog posts.”

I wasn’t sure if I should be embarrassed or flattered. Probably some of both, but it wasn’t like Ma hadn’t embarrassed me enough about it in front of him.

He continued. “I know you’re a fighter, a good mother, smart, generous. I remember you were always helping someone in your neighborhood, whether it was babysitting for free or watching their pets. You were the girl that always donated her birthday presents to the local women and children’s shelter. I watched you more than you ever knew. And I only annoyed you because I couldn’t think of any other way for you to pay attention to me.”

I was truly at a loss for words.

He squeezed my hands. “Just promise me you’ll think about it. About us?”

Us? I gulped.