Chapter Forty-Three

Giddy. I felt positively giddy. I survived the interview, my house smelled heavenly, like red wine stew and the homemade rolls I had thrown in the oven a few minutes ago. Cody was surviving per Gelaire. She said it was tense between him and Neil, but Cody lingered wherever baby Farrah was. I took that as a good sign. Not only that, in moments my spine would be tingling. I planned to pull Reed in the house and kiss him thoroughly. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed him.

I was flitting around my kitchen like Doris Day, checking on the last-minute details of our candlelit dinner that was way overdue. I had set everything up at the breakfast bar. For some reason, I still couldn’t do the formal dining room. The candles flickered to the tune of Frank Sinatra on the surround sound. The wine was chilling and the glasses sparkled, waiting to be filled. I stirred the stew one more time and turned on the oven light to check on the rolls before the doorbell rang.

I hustled out of the Marla and Manny apron I was given today before I left the studio. I smoothed my little black dress and checked to make sure I put on deodorant and that my armpits were still smooth. A lot of skin was showing. I had to moisturize the heck out of myself this afternoon. Don’t even get me going on the hair removal. When I deemed myself passable, I headed for the door in my heels, clicking against the hardwood floors. All in a rush to see Reed.

I swung the door open and before I said a word, I looked to the left and right to make sure he wasn’t seen. I didn’t even see his jeep. He must have parked far away. Good plan.

I pulled him in by his red tie and shut the door before wrapping my arms around his neck. I let my lips say hello.

Reed didn’t reciprocate the way I thought he would. It took him several seconds to wrap his cold hands around me. His lips were hesitant. No tingling spine moves.

I pulled my head back. I was eye level with him in my heels. “Hi.”

He pressed his lips together. His blue eyes studied me. “Hi.”

“I’m glad you could make it. I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” he replied, but it sounded against his will.

I took his hand. “I hope you’re hungry.” I pulled him toward the kitchen.

He didn’t respond, but followed me.

“Did you see my interview?” I continued to drag him along.

“Yeah,” he sounded off. What was going on with him? He was probably bummed about the season being over.

I led him to a stool and sat him down hoping to kiss him again, but his tightened jaw was flinching in addition to his stiff posture.

I stood for a second, not sure what to say or do. “Is everything okay? Did you think I was awful?” Delanie and Avery had called it fantastic, though I wouldn’t go that far.

He looked me over and I couldn’t tell if he liked what he saw. I’d hoped by this point he would have told me how much he loved the barely-there dress and that I’d be needing to fix my hair.

My heart raced. “Reed?”

“You were great.”

I tilted my head. “You don’t sound so sure.”

“It gave me a lot to think about.”

“Are you going to give up cookies for protein balls?”

He didn’t even crack a smile. “Sam.” He took my hand, but not as a romantic gesture. It felt more out of necessity than want. “Did you mean what you said today in the interview?”

“The part about protein balls lasting for up to a month in the freezer?”

“Could you stop it with the protein balls?”

I stepped back. I had never heard him upset before. “Okay. What part?”

“The part where you dismissed relationships. Is that how you really feel?”

“You mean about marriage and dating?”

“Yes. Is that not something you want?”

I braved edging closer. “Reed, we date.”

He let out the heaviest of breaths. “We don’t date, Sam. You squeeze me in when it’s convenient for you, all secretly. All on your terms.”

Where was this coming from? My feet shifted. “I thought you understood my circumstances and that you were okay with the way things are.”

“I’m sorry if I gave you that impression. I told you sneaking around wasn’t my style.”

“You know how Cody feels about it. I can’t change that.”

He shook his head. “You don’t know how Cody really feels about it because you won’t talk to him. And you don’t want to.”

“I was going to.”

“Sam.” He pulled me closer. “You were relieved when you didn’t have to. You used Cody as an excuse.”

My first instinct was to deny what he was saying, but the truth rang in my head. He was right. “I still don’t get why that bothers you. You’ve never indicated you wanted a serious relationship with me. You even talked about dating Penelope.”

“I only said that to your mom to keep playing your game.”

“I’m not playing games with you.”

“Maybe that’s the wrong word, and maybe I’ve been playing games too, all in hopes that you would come around and let me in.”

Confusion continued to swirl in my head. “What do you mean ‘let you in’? I’ve been open and honest with you from the beginning.”

A softness washed over his features. “You’ve done your best to keep me at arm’s length. And I don’t blame you. I probably should have waited to ask you out. I knew you were hurting, rightfully so. I thought if I played it cool, with no pressure, you might open yourself up to the possibility of a real relationship. But every time I tried to talk about it or tell you how I really felt, you would change the subject or say something funny to brush over it.”

“I didn’t—”

Reed placed his finger on my lips. “Think about it, Sam.”

I thought back to all the times we were together and suddenly, as if a light went on, I saw them in a whole new way. He was right. I ran my fingers through my hair, taking shallow breaths.

“I think today on that show is the most honest you’ve been. You don’t want to date, and you certainly don’t want to get married.” He wrapped his arms around my waist and peered into my eyes. “I do, though. I want those things. I see myself having those things with you.”

It was as if a wave of ice cold water hit me, tossing me every which way. I wasn’t sure what was up or down. “You want to marry me?” I stuttered.

“I’d like to explore that possibility someday, but I can’t until you’re willing to move on and let yourself be vulnerable again. I’m through sneaking around and pretending this is all for fun. Don’t get me wrong, it is the most fun I’ve ever had and I don’t regret a second of our time together. But I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep falling in love with someone who has no intention of loving me back.”

“I . . .” What did I say? My heart was pounding so hard I could feel it in my head. I could barely hear over the blood rushing through my ears. “I care about you. I don’t want us to end.”

He pressed his lips to my forehead. “You didn’t let us begin.” He pulled away and stood up.

“You’re leaving?” My voiced cracked.

“I think it’s for the best.”

“So that’s it?”

He shook his head. “If and when you’re ever ready, call me. I’m not going anywhere. I’ve waited a long time for you. I can wait some more . . . but not forever.”

I stood staring at him, dumbfounded, tears pricking my eyes.

“Goodbye, Sam.”

He left. He just left. It was like watching Neil leave me all over again.

The timer went off for the rolls, giving me a heart attack. With tears streaming down my cheeks, I took them out of the oven and threw them on the counter. The sound of metal against the granite reverberated through the kitchen. I looked at the melting candles and flickering lights, trying desperately to think of all the reasons he was wrong and how unfair this was of him. I was over Neil and my divorce. I was only trying to protect my son. I hadn’t known how deep Reed’s feelings ran. Or did I?

I looked at the breakfast bar, set for dinner. It was glaring proof; Reed was right. I couldn’t even face eating in my dining room because Neil’s ghost still haunted it. And maybe I was trying to protect Cody, but it was my heart that I shielded more than anything.

But in trying to protect my heart, did I forfeit what it had truly wanted all along?