Chapter Seven

I walked up the wooden steps to the office, still shaken about the events that had taken place at the school. I took a deep breath, or several, and admired the beautiful wraparound deck my dad and brothers built last year around the double-wide that was our office, or as my brothers referred to it, headquarters. I guess that made it sound manlier. Our “headquarters” were located just outside Clearfield near a nursery and an apple orchard. We had a deal with the nursery for discounted materials and they had given us plenty of referral business. In exchange, we gave them free snow removal service in the winter.

I was glad only Avery was in the office when I arrived. She was really the one who ran the place. She did all the scheduling and most of the communicating with customers, unless they had unpaid invoices, then that was me. She also did all the landscape design work, as well as any company logos or materials. She had such a talent. She could transform any yard or business front.

James and Avery made a good team. His knowledge of plants, coupled with her gift, is what put us on the map. Their work had been showcased in several model homes and dozens of businesses, including large corporations in the Chicagoland area. They were the perfect couple, if there ever was such a thing. I would be jealous, but they deserved it. Not to say I hadn’t wished for a relationship like theirs. The one where the husband couldn’t keep his hands off his wife and she couldn’t get enough of him even though they’d been together for over twenty years. Every time James would smack Avery’s butt in the office, I would think, why doesn’t Neil ever do that? Or why didn’t he undress me with his eyes? Roxie popped into my head. I pushed the tramp back out. Mostly. How could I not compare myself with her? But it wasn’t only her. I had lost my luster long before she entered the picture.

I shook my head and begged the tears to take a hike. I was Samantha Decker. Which reminded me of how ridiculous I’d sounded at the football field. I sighed and smoothed out my poly-cotton sundress before heading in.

Avery’s gorgeous blonde head popped up from the front desk when I walked in to the jangle of the bell. “Wow. Look at you. What’s the occasion?”

“What do you mean?” I shut the door to revel in the cool inside air.

She gave me that smile that said, I think you need help. Believe me, I knew.

“Oh, honey, did you look in the mirror?”

Wait. I hadn’t told her about my mirror aversion, had I? I thought I kept that one close to the vest. She basically knew everything else about my pathetic existence, but that tidbit seemed better to keep private.

I nodded in response to her question.

“Did you notice anything?”

I wasn’t sure where she was going with this. “I think I might have lost a few pounds, but don’t worry, I plan on making those up.” Not like losing a few pounds hurt me.

She laughed. “I was talking about how sexy you look today. I’ve always been jealous of your naturally curly hair. It has this 1980’s pinup-poster-girl vibe to it.”

“What?” I ran my fingers through my unruly hair. “I haven’t looked sexy in at least sixteen years.”

She shook her head at me. “That’s a negative. Maybe you haven’t felt it, but whether you believe it or not, you’re one hot mama.”

“Did you fall and hit your head this morning when you went running?”

She laughed the daintiest, cutest laugh ever. “I don’t think I’m the one with head issues here.”

“Tell me about it.” I related my recent mortifying tale to her.

She came around her desk and hugged me. She was so petite. I towered over her when I wore any sort of a heel.

For a tiny thing, she was strong and squeezed hard. “You’re brave and beautiful, and you’re going to get through this.”

“You sound like those positive affirmation skits from Saturday Night Live.”

“Well, gosh darn it, people do like you,” she mocked the skit.

“I’m not so sure Reed Cassidy does anymore. Can you believe I called him a grown-up?”

She released me. “Serves him right. The snot snuck into the champagne at my wedding.”

“I totally forgot about that. Ma was so mad. I think even Peter drank some.” They couldn’t have been older than thirteen or fourteen.

“I do have to say, though, he grew up to look mighty fine.”

“Avery.”

“What? I mean, it’s not like I want to leave James for him. But don’t tell me you haven’t noticed that he kind of has it going on.”

“I babysat him. If I thought like that I would be a pedophile.”

Her dainty laugh turned into a very un-lady-like snort. “You’re not even six years older than him. And it’s not like you changed his diapers or anything, or did you?”

“No. I think he and Peter became friends in the fourth grade.”

“Then you can totally admire his . . .”

“His what?”

“Oh, never mind. If you haven’t noticed already, I can’t help you. But seriously, check out his butt the next time you see him.”

She got me to laugh. “Does James know you checked out his butt?”

“He was the one who pointed it out to me.” She gave me a devious smile.

I headed for my office in the back, smiling at her attempts to make me feel better.

“Hey,” she called out. “I read your blog post this morning. It was poignant and tragically beautiful.”

I turned back to face her. “Oh. I forgot about that. I think I’m going to delete it.”

“Don’t. It’s a good reminder.”

“Of how much my life sucks?”

“Not at all. It’s a reminder that even the best of us must go through the worst, but it only makes us better.” She more than anyone knew that. Losing Hannah was the worst of the worst. How she still smiled and functioned made me admire her even more.

“Have I mentioned lately how glad I am that James was lucky enough to coerce you into marrying into our family?” The day James brought her home from the gym my senior year of high school was a game changing day for our family. James had some chasing to do, but he knew what he had in her and never gave up.

“If you hadn’t been part of the package, I would have said no.” She went back to work as if she hadn’t made my day. She had no idea what her friendship had meant to me over the years, and especially this last year. She was a sister to me in the truest sense of the word.

~*~

I got settled at my desk and realized what a mess it had become. I used to be so organized you would hardly ever find a piece a paper on my desk. Now it was covered in invoices that needed to be filed, along with a few granola bar wrappers. That was changing, starting now. I was going back to the land of the living. Barely functioning wasn’t cutting it. How could I expect Cody to move on if I didn’t?

I took the first hour of my day and cleaned my entire office, including dusting. I didn’t pause until I found the picture of Neil and me I had kept stashed in my top drawer. It was one from our honeymoon in London. After he told me about the affair, he’d talked about going there again. He knew I always wanted to go back. But I didn’t want to go back under those circumstances. When he told me about Roxie, the thought of him touching me made me physically ill. Besides, he probably would have only done some family research. It wouldn’t have been the romantic trip that our honeymoon had been. I stared at the young couple with stars in their eyes riding on top of a double decker bus. Who would have ever thought they would end up like this? Who would have ever thought that man would quit looking at me as if I was his one and only?

No crying. I steeled myself and tore the picture into pieces before tossing it in the wastebasket.

Going through this exercise reminded me of something our therapist said to Neil. He told Neil that he needed to learn to get out of his head. To look around and see, not only what he was missing, but to see what I had done for our family, for him. I didn’t want to become a victim of my own head. I didn’t want to miss out on life, especially Cody’s life.

I took that moment to log into my computer and volunteer for the football booster club. I could help sell tickets and merchandise at the school before game days. I would also tell Dad that our business would sponsor an ad in the programs they handed out at each game. I would ask Avery if she could make an ad or maybe repurpose one we already used.

I sat back and stared at the screen. I could do this. Like everything else, I was going to keep saying it until I believed it.