Spiraling Sanity
Clouded by confusion, she stared
Trying to disbelieve what his silent heart bared
As her soul rippled with strange serendipity
Her mind cracked and crashed with uncertainty
Vienna
I’d never taken a day off from work. Ever.
All my holidays had been planned and booked off in advance. Even when I was sick, I worked. I pushed through, took meds and made it to the office. Working made me feel grounded. It made me feel in control.
But today, after my sudden exit from the conference room, Mike had concluded I needed some time off. I’d apologized and tried to plead my case, explaining what had happened, but he hadn’t listened.
“You had a panic attack, Vienna.” He gave me a concerned glance from the other side of the office table.
“No, I—”
“I know a panic attack when I see one. I’ve suffered through them in the past.” He gave me a caring smile. “Go home. You’ll feel much better.”
“But…”
His speculation didn’t sit well with me. How could I have had a panic attack? My fingers nervously played with the pen in my hands as I tried to argue his claims.
“Go home, Vienna.” Mike walked out, leaving me no choice but to go home.
I cleaned when I was anxious.
It normally kept me distracted from my thoughts and helped me sort through my emotions and keep them in check.
Today, nothing helped. Despite cleaning Cassie’s entire apartment and unpacking the rest of my boxes in my apartment, my thoughts dominated me.
I couldn’t shed the anxiety that flowed in my veins, reminding me of what had transpired this morning. The feelings swirled around me, ever since I’d seen him, ever since his deep oceanic eyes had held me captive. I’d lost all sense of self. Something had come over me, taking away my shield and exposing me to emotions so intense and so timeless, they made me want to rip open my skin and run.
Toward him or away, I didn’t know. A warm chill ran down my spine as the image of his face rushed through my mind, holding me captive in my spot.
Breath by breath, every feature of this mysterious man I didn’t know fell into place. The old aching desire to feel his chiseled face with my hands and mouth ran rampant in my mind. My hands craved the warmth of his skin, the rugged softness of his slight stubble, the sharp cuts of his face. I wanted to run my fingers through the lush strands of his pristinely cut hair. I wanted to know how the warm chocolate of their highlights would feel as they slid between my fingers.
I wanted to devour him with my lips, kiss him till he surrendered, punish him for making me feel this way, drink him in as if he were the nectar of the very life I was craving.
I wanted to seep into his existence and find my place, my answer, my salvation.
I wanted to inhale his existence and discover how he smelled.
Like citrus and spice.
My stance faltered, and my breath stopped.
The declaration startled me.
It was too sure, too known.
A distant smell wafted through my nostrils, reminding me exactly what my mind had just registered.
The door clicked open, and Cassie walked in, her steps coming to a halt as she saw me, standing in the middle of the living room with a duster in my hand, dressed in my old blue pajamas and an oversized men’s t-shirt I’d taken from Jason when we first moved in together.
“Oh boy,” she whispered, putting her purse on the floor and dropping her car keys into the bowl. “Put the duster away and have a seat. We need to talk.”
Despite my hesitation, I found myself talking to Cassie.
For the next hour, without a trace of judgment, she heard my entire life story. I told her everything, from the day we’d lost touch until the very moment she’d walked in tonight, leaving nothing out.
It felt good.
Word by word, the anxiety in me began to dissipate.
My nerves started to calm down, and I found a sliver of my control coming back.
Cassie listened, quietly eating the take-out meal she’d brought home.
“You need to get laid, my friend,” she finally said, her tone serious. “Your dreams are a clear indication that you’re in dire need of getting some horizontal action.”
“Cassie,” I chided. What was she saying? Talking about sex made me uncomfortable. The idea of intimacy made me anxious. The vulnerability associated with sex bothered me, made me nervous, so I tried to stay away from it. Maybe it was another of the many reasons Jason had left.
“Stop acting like a prude, Vienna, and listen to what I have to say.” Putting her empty plate on the coffee table beside my barely touched plate, Cassie crossed her legs and looked straight into my eyes. “It’s high time you get out of this shell you’ve been living in. I understand how this need for control can calm you down, but, my friend, it will stop you from living. From all you’ve told me about your life and the dreams you’ve been having, it’s clear you need to bust loose. It’s been five years. You need to let it go. Stop pretending to be this person you’re not. I know you. And I know how you used to be. This is so not you.”
“I’m not pretending to be anything, Cassie,” I said defensively. “I’m just…” I let go of an exasperated sigh. Her words had hit too close, and I wasn’t ready to acknowledge her speculations.
“You were such a flamboyant and outgoing girl in school. Why did you allow yourself to suppress all that to become this person you don’t even want to be?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I tried pulling away, but Cassie held my hand, not letting me go. Her questions were starting to make me uncomfortable. A familiar sense of unease was creeping into my bones like it had in the first year after the accident as I’d struggled to find my way back to my life. I’d already been failing my classes, as I’d fought through severe migraines and sleepless nights. My injuries had left me bedridden for almost three months, and I’d never felt so helpless in my life. I’d hated my incapacity to fix myself. Hated how weak my mind had become, how susceptible I’d gotten to drowning in my fear. I was never scared, but everything I’d known had been ripped from me. I couldn’t even mentally focus the way I had before.
I barely recalled the therapy sessions I’d taken to deal with my PTSD, my mind too broken to register anything for months. Soon I dropped out of my courses and took up accounting, no longer enjoying the spontaneity of my previous field. I’d wanted something more mundane, something that had no element of surprise. I hated not knowing what to expect. I hated surprises. I hated how my mind had been out of my control, pushing me into the darkness I so despised. I needed calm. I needed control. I needed to feel safe.
So I changed who I was.
“Vi, bad things happen, but it’s up to us to rise above it. Don’t let what happened to you five years ago ruin your future.”
I shook my head. Her words didn’t pacify me. “It’s not that easy, Cassie. You don’t know how it feels.” I breathed heavily, the tension already rising within me. I hated this. I’d felt this many times in the past, this gnawing anxiety.
“Then tell me. Let it all out.” Her green eyes bored into mine as she squeezed my hands. “Try.”
“It seems like…” I began, fighting the conflict within, wanting to take a leap of faith and share. “After the accident, I could no longer be the person I used to be. Something changed. The thought of opening up to someone scared me. I just felt that if I opened up, I would be ripped apart, and shredded to pieces.”
“But you opened up to Jason.”
My breathing picked up with anxiety. “Even with Jason, I was always on my toes, waiting for him to do something to break me.” It felt odd but good to finally voice a truth I’d barely allowed myself to think. “I can’t explain it, but it felt like I was waiting to be betrayed. And to avoid feeling betrayed, I learned to keep my distance.”
“Seems like someone did a number on you.” Sighing, she took a sip of wine from her glass and looked at me. “You know when I broke up with Chad, my boyfriend from college, I felt the exact same way. It feels like someone broke your heart, betrayed you, but you said there’s only been Jason.” She gulped the remainder of her wine and stood up.
I just sat there, taking in her words, trying to make sense of everything.
“Vienna, I’ll say it one last time, let it all go. Forget it all and start fresh. Sooner or later, you’ll figure out how to feel like yourself again. Life has a way of bringing you back, even if you’re lost.” She held her hands out. “Look at us. We hadn’t talked in five years and yet here we are, just like old times. You even rekindled your friendship with Alex. So, go with the flow, and try to loosen up. All the answers will come. Trust me.” She leaned down to give me a quick hug and a kiss on my cheek. “Now stop brooding and get some sleep. Go back to work tomorrow and take control.”
Mike gave me another chance.
He rescheduled the meeting for me. And I promised him I wouldn’t let him down.
For the two days until the rescheduled meeting I fought to keep my focus. I worked hard and kept my head down, perfecting my presentation. But it all failed the moment Mike mentioned I would be presenting in front of Mr. Sharp.
After that, I consistently found myself distracted by the chaos it brought up in me.
I did my best to move on and stay focused, but in the darkness of night my dreams unfurled once more, and they invited his presence to possess me so wholly that I couldn’t forget him, even for a split second.
Today was the day I presented in front of Mr. Kingston Sharp, the man whose gaze had the power to undo me.
Straightening the slinky beige dress I’d spent hours deciding on, I made my way toward the elevator.
People turned back and looked at me with surprise and silent admiration.
I guess it was just as new for them as it was for me to be dressed up.
I stepped into the elevator, feeling a little less jittery when my phone pinged with a message from Alex.
Alex: Hey Vi, long time no messages from you. Everything alright?
I smiled, glad to hear from him.
Me: Yes, all good, been busy with work.
Alex: That’s great. Just don’t burn yourself out. I know how involved you can get when you set your mind to something.
He still remembered me as a tenacious go-getter. Maybe I could be her again.
Me: I know, it’s hard to be easygoing.
Alex: Oh, you’ve always been easygoing. Just a tad more passionate than is good for your health.
Me: LOL. I know what you mean! Are you still in Dubai?
Alex: England, returning to the US in two weeks.
A hot tingle of a déjà vu swooshed through me at the mention of England. Agitation, like that night at the restaurant with Jason, surged inside my body.
Something from the past tried to push its way into the present but failed as a headache formed.
Alex: I am sorry for cutting out last week, I just…
Me: It’s okay. I understand, you’re a busy guy. Hopefully, when you get back, we can catch up.
Alex: That sounds good. That sounds really good.
Alex: I still can’t believe we’re talking again. It’s been such a long gap and we have so much to share about our lives with each other.
Alex’s enthusiastic response eased my tension and helped bring back the positive feelings I’d had earlier.
I typed back as the door to my floor pinged.
Me: Yes, but it’s never too late. Soon we’ll be just like we were in high school. Anyway, I need to say goodbye for now. I have a big meeting with my boss. Wish me luck.
I’d just realized who Kingston Sharp was: Alex’s brother. But for the life of me I couldn’t recall ever meeting him. Why was I so affected by him? It wasn’t like me to swoon over a stranger.
Alex: You don’t need luck. I know you’ will charm his pants off. Talk soon.
I tried to focus on Alex’s words, working hard to believe him, but it was useless. The confidence he seemed to have in me wasn’t helping me today.
I moved with unwanted anticipation. My heartbeat raced with the fear of the unexpected. But I kept walking.
You can do this, Vienna. It’s not a big deal. You’ll do great.
Chanting and prepping myself, I kept walking to the door that held my fate behind it.
My hands faltered, my resolve shook, and a deep-rooted awareness ran through my bones as I twisted the doorknob and pushed the door.
You can do it. Keep it together.
I closed the door behind me, walking into the dimly lit conference room.
Mike had mentioned it would be an in-person meeting. Kingston Sharp was now in Malibu and would be working closely with our team.
I found my team members and took an empty chair beside Andy, shamelessly searching for the one person who was conspicuously absent.
My nerves started to settle as my heart mourned the possibility of seeing the stranger it had been secretly pining for. It was ridiculous.
I sat and prepped myself for the presentation, replaying it over and over again in my head.
Low whispers continued around the desk as the entire table waited for someone.
For him.
My heart fluttered at that possibility, and my nerves flared to life.
Just on cue, as if the universe had heard my heart’s silent plea, a door opened behind me, making my body stiffen and my heart wake from its mourning sleep.
“My apologies, everyone, I didn’t mean for the call to take so long.”
That voice.
The air around me thickened with his presence.
He was standing right behind me.
Every nerve, every cell, every atom in my body erupted to life, registering his presence.
I froze in my chair, my nails digging into the table with all my remaining strength.
I could feel him too deeply, my soul scarily aware of his slightest movements.
His first step stole my breath.
His shuffle, readjusting his tie, had my heartbeat going erratic.
His steps faltered for a second; I could feel it in my bones.
Right when he walked past me, he almost stopped, setting fire within my body, as I inadvertently inhaled his scent. Fire and passion, mixed with heady spices, and a soft undertone of citrus—exactly the way I’d imagined he would smell.
My nails clawed at the table as I chanted with frantic breath to keep holding on, to let this wave of madness pass.
I had to get through the meeting without creating a scene.
I had to present and forget about the person walking past me right this very second.
I had to be strong.
I closed my eyes and prayed, for an anchor, for a distraction, for a way to make it through.
“Why don’t we start with the meeting without wasting more time? I bet you all have things you need to get done.”
My eyes flew open, forgetting everything, wanting nothing more than to look in the direction of his voice. He walked past me toward his chair at the head of the table.
I couldn’t look away, absorbing every detail.
A full head of luxurious brown hair, cut to finesse, swayed gently as he moved, highlighting the natural shades of his hair in the sunlight peeking through the blinds.
He was wearing a white shirt, covered by a dark charcoal suit that accentuated his broad muscular shoulders.
The jacket did nothing to hide the form of his well-sculpted body, making it more prominent, presenting a perfect tease to the spectator.
Recalcitrant eyes travelled lower, following his footsteps, wholly captured by his presence.
A taut derriere flaunted long, lean legs that carried him with utmost confidence and surety to his chair.
I was captivated.
Everything around me became slow, too heightened, and nothing but my heart and his presence, his evasive, invasive presence mattered in this moment.
I observed everything about him, forgetting my entire existence. Such was my obsession with a stranger I didn’t know. I wanted to know him like the emotion that lived within me, that withering throb of emptiness. I wanted him to be the oasis that washed over the Sahara of my battered heart. I wanted to be set free.
And even without reason, from within the deep recesses of my fragile, empty existence, a voice boomed with utmost surety, stating this known stranger to be my demise…and my rebirth.
My eyes locked onto his neck, reveling in his very life force, the beat of his pulse as he adjusted his collar. What I felt for him was so carnal…I craved him, as he reached out to grab the arm of the chair, wanting nothing more than to be ravished by his touch.
I wanted to be the object of his affection.
Vienna, focus.
My thoughts shattered as I forced myself to snap out of my daydream. Anger rushed through my veins in an instant, making me realize how stupid I was being, how far I’d allowed myself to wallow in the strange fantasy. I had to stay focused.
He’s nobody.
He’s your boss.
Why was I suddenly angry? Why did I crave him like life itself?
My peripheral vision caught the way he halted. It felt like my silent words had reached up to him, making him stop, making him hesitate like my words had pricked him— No, that wasn’t possible.
Taking a few deep breaths, I banished such foolish notions and steeled myself, doing my best to skim through my presentation and veer away from the temptation of stealing one last glance at him.
My heart cried to look at his face, but the new resolve in me—and the anger that was fueling it—was too adamant.
All I had to do was focus on what I was feeling right this instant and mute my heart, and I would be just fine.
“Let’s get started,” he began, ease and confidence oozing from his voice. “Mike, why you don’t go ahead and fill us in?”
Nodding, my manager took over and started talking about the proposal he’d created.
Everyone’s attention except mine was on the screen, listening to and reading the slides carefully.
I focused solely on the anticipation of getting through my presentation, glad that the lights had been turned down. I detached myself from the world around me until the crisp baritone of his voice pulled me out.
“That’s wonderful, Mike,” he said. “We’ll get started ASAP. Now let’s discuss the financial budgets.”
“Sure, will do,” Mike said as he walked over to me and tapped my shoulder, whispering in my ear. “It’s your turn now. Just relax and make sure you hit all the points you mentioned to me. Breathe, and you’ll do good.”
I nodded and carefully collected my materials, taking a few breaths.
Anger still ran through my veins and, thankfully, took care of my nerves.
I was so amped up that I walked with utmost confidence to the front, now wishing it were brighter so everyone could see my surety.
I kept walking until I was behind him.
He didn’t notice me. Engrossed in the screen, waiting for my presentation, he absently fidgeted with his cufflink.
The faint sparkle it let out in the darkness captured my attention.
My steps faltered, and I almost dropped the folder I’d been about to put on the table.
My folder knocked the mouse, bringing the screen to life. Light reflecting from the projector illuminating me from behind.
He looked up, assuming the presentation had started, and our eyes locked, green-blue to brown.
My world stopped.
My breath waned.
Pupils dilated.
Lust churned.
Anger evaporated.
His cufflink sparkled.
And two words fell from my heart.
Shooting star.