Invasive Instincts
A sense of disarray, an inkling of panic
She sparred with her instincts, curbing her manic
But the voices within screamed even louder
As the ghosts of yesterday stood up prouder.
Vienna
“I leave for New York in two days.” I handed Cassie a glass of wine as I sat beside her.
She was having dinner with me in my new apartment. I’d finally moved in last weekend and settled in.
“Wow, that’s great. For how long?” She sipped her wine and relaxed on the chaise, enjoying the soft Indian classical music playing in the background. It was the music my dad used to put on in the evenings after dinner when I was growing up. And, ever since, every time I heard Indian music, it put my mind at ease.
“I’ll be in New York for three days then come back for a few weeks before the entire team flies to Dubai, followed by Rome, and Paris. It’s a month-long trip once we get to Dubai. We’re going to the major facilities of the company and refreshing and restructuring a lot of things in the offices.”
The thought of travelling made me a little anxious, but I’d worked so hard on the project, there was no way I’d let go now.
I was still a little baffled by what was coming my way. Just two months ago, the mere idea of moving houses made me dizzy. And now here I was living in Malibu, ready to be on the road for the next month, with nothing but new and unpredictable things coming my way.
It made me nervous, thinking about what life had in store for me next, but more than that, the idea of being around Kingston for so long was incredibly daunting—and scintillating. I had no clue how I’d handle the entire situation.
“How’s your obsession with Kingston Sharp coming along? Anything juicy I need to hear?” Cassie winked, trying to gauge my reaction to her question.
“Let’s not talk about it, shall we?” I wasn’t ready or willing to allow my thoughts to go back to him. He was rapidly invading my thoughts when I was at home, as well as dominating them when I was at work. I needed to have some space within me where I didn’t think of him. It was much-needed for my sanity.
“Oh, so that means something happened.”
“Cassie, please.” I took a sip of my iced tea and tried to deflect her curiosity.
“Come on, you can tell me.”
I wanted to share, I wanted some advice, but if I opened that door, I wouldn’t be getting any sleep tonight. He would pollute my dreams.
So, instead, I shoved it all aside and stood up, clearing off the table and walking to the kitchen.
Cassie followed me. “Vi, stop acting like you didn’t hear me, and spill.”
I shook my head. “I can’t. For now, let it go.”
“Try,” she insisted, coming a little closer as I washed the dishes, fighting with myself.
“It will help you understand your thoughts better. It will untangle everything.”
I wanted nothing more than to understand what was going on. But I couldn’t. Something about venturing into those recesses of my psyche scared the hell out of me. I couldn’t muster the courage to open that door. Something behind it had the power to rip me apart—that I knew with certainty. There was something dark attached to these thoughts and emotions. “Cassie, I can’t explain, but talking about this will only make things worse.”
“How are you so sure?”
“I am. Please let it go.”
For the next minute, Cassie didn’t say a single word. She just stared. It seemed like she was coming to terms with my request. She took a deep breath. This was hard for her, I could tell. “For now. I’ll come back to it. Trust me.”
I sighed. I should’ve known how persistent Cassie could be.
“So, are you writing?” She changed the subject.
I smiled, thankful she understood. “Yes, and it’s the only thing keeping me sane. It feels so good to be writing again.” A strange melancholy filled my heart.
A lot had changed since I’d left Thousand Oaks.
Sometimes, when I looked at myself in the mirror, I couldn’t help but wonder how life had changed.
One accident, one moment, had been enough to change me on a fundamental level.
It was like I went to sleep one night as the old me and woke up to an entirely different person.
My phone buzzed.
Alex: Hey, long time. Sorry I’ve been busy. How are you doing?
I smiled. Hearing from Alex instantly put me in a better mood.
Me: I’m doing great. Work’s been keeping me busy, and same as you I guess.
His reply was instant.
Alex: Oh yeah, it’s been crazy. With all the changes, I don’t have an hour to spare. I haven’t even been home in a month. I can’t wait to fly back next week. Maybe we can meet up.
Me: Of course, I understand. And I’d love to meet and catch up.
“Who are you texting?” Cassie asked, already settled into her original seat, busy skimming through the TV guide.
“Alex.”
“How is he? It’s good you guys reconnected again. You were inseparable.”
We had been, until we’d lost touch for years. I didn’t know how that had happened. Blurred images filled my head.
Alex. He was drunk. I screamed and ducked just in time to miss the beer bottle he threw at the wall.
Dread and disbelief filled my senses.
I was in an unfamiliar room with the most beautiful interior filled with classic artifacts which blended seamlessly with contemporary furniture.
Alex stood in front of me, his eyes red and filled with rage and hatred.
The images crashed over each other, rearranging themselves into another scene. Now I was in the same room on the bed. Crying, while the phone on the pillow beside me rang.
Pain radiated from the images. The phone stopped ringing then started again. I grabbed the phone, tossed it onto the floor, and wailed. Tears fell like massive raindrops.
My mom’s voice echoed over a vision of me and my mother standing in my parents’ house. “Vi, listen to me. Try and understand… Don’t just—”
“Shut up! I don’t want to hear anything from you,” I screamed at her as I ran to my room.
You have to forgive them. His voice broke through the scene and pulled me into another.
I was alone in a garden, angrily writing in my book, tears blurring my vision.
Let it go, Vienna. His voice reverberated around me. Don’t hurt yourself.
Don’t tell me what to do, I screamed back.
Stop, and listen to me.
The buzz of my phone shook me out of my trance. This was the first time I’d had such visions when I was fully awake. Usually, they were just sporadic dreams, but this felt more like a memory, something I’d experienced in real life.
What was going on?
I grabbed my phone and tried to break past the emotions flooding inside me.
Alex: I can’t wait. What are you doing on the 8th?
I stared at the screen.
“You okay?” Cassie was staring back at me. “You look a little rattled.”
“No, it’s all good.”
I quickly unlocked my screen and responded to Alex.
Me: 8th works for me.
I hit send as a thick wave of anger passed through me. The idea of meeting Alex suddenly didn’t sit well with me. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see him anymore.
The sudden shift in my emotions confused me.
My phone buzzed one last time.
Alex: Great. I’ll work out a plan and let you know. Anyway, I got to go. I have to meet up with Chloe in fifteen minutes. She specially flew to London to see me. Talk later.
Me: Enjoy!
I put my phone down.
What just happened? Where had all those emotions come from? What the hell did those images mean? I closed my eyes and leaned into the sofa.
Something was not right.
Nothing made sense. I needed to sort through this shit.